Are you okay?

What a loaded question.

No I'm not.

I feel like I am losing control.

My mind,

It's flipping inside out.

But here's the thing,

You don't actually care.

You don't have the time to hear,

To really listen to my answer,

To deal with my answer,

And I don't actually want to tell you.

So yes,

Every **** day

I am

**Fine

How am I supposed to make a decision
When my heart is severed in half
Slowly
But surely
Bleeding out

How am I supposed to jump
When all I can see at the bottom are
Sharp rocks

You held my hand today
All the way home
And the feeling subsided
Your hand took its place
Your firm grasp
Tore his fingers
From my wrist
And for the moment
I was no longer a slave
To this crushing pressure
Once again
I was safe

Do you remember that year
I couldn't sleep?
I ran into your bedroom
Almost every night
Crying
Making up some excuse

Some nights you would
Send me back to bed
Disgusted
I was too old to be bothering you
But other nights
You would pull me right in the middle
And both of you would wrap your arms around my trembling frame
And finally
I would fall asleep
Next to you
I was safe
The images couldn't touch me
The probe that normally tormented me
Couldn't penetrate my mind
I was secure in your embrace

And then they disappeared
For good
These images
They left
And I slept
Peacefully

But now
They have returned

You said you wanted
Details
So I gave you
All I could

It wasn't much
But it was enough
I thought I could handle it
But I couldn't
I can't

Now I am back to being afraid,
Afraid of closing my eyes
For who knows
What will meet me in this dark?

When I said I couldn't say anymore
I meant it

But when I said
I wanted to protect you

I wasn't telling the whole truth

For with each memory
Bypassed
I was also protecting
Me

The insides of my eyelids
Are tattooed with the
Scars of my soul
I close my eyes and
The slides click into place
Rapidly flashing before me
Colliding violently
Within the tunnel of my vision
The images
Gouge out my eyes
Drill into my skull
Haphazardly, they
Caress
Manipulate
Assault
My mind
I watch this show before me
Helpless
Unable to lift my eyes
Unable to wake from this
Terror

But
Suddenly I am awake
Alive
Breathing in real time
Seeing in real time

And I can still feel it
The distinctive touch of
His hands
On mine
Pushing down
Halting my fight
His fingers
Digging into my wrist
Squeezing
The life escaping from inside me
As his grasp gets
Tighter
And Tighter
And Tighter
My bones
Cracking under
His brute force
Yes
I can feel it

All day I walk around
And I feel this
Suffocating hold
And I swear
People can see it
The marks he has left

But
I really don't care
If people see
I just can't stand
That feeling
Those indents
The pressure
I feel it and

I can't stand it

Fifty years later
And the tears are still
Falling
In the midst of the rain
Your lips spit out the words
I continue to deny

Feelings
Are
**Real