Today, I couldn't stop smiling
I still can't
I'm laying in my bed
Alone in the dark
Grinning like an idiot
Unable to sleep

I feel so alive
So awake
This joy is coursing through my veins
This love is overwhelming my heart
I am
Strangely
Wonderfully
Content

I would trade almost anything
To experience this struggle
Every night

They are sneaking out
Quick
Stop them
Come on
Can't you hear me?
My urgency?
Please, this is an
Emergency

I have spent years
Building up these
Flood gates
Miles high
They stand
Miles long
They run
Strong
Sturdy
Unable to be penetrated

But there is one thing in life I've learned
Nothing in this world is completely
Unbreakable

I have a feeling
These walls are going to
Fail me
The corners of my eyes are done
Fighting
The wave is coming
It just a matter of time

These walls are
Straining
Creaking
Bulging
Under the weight of this
Water
And then it happens
They cave
And then
They break
Fully split
These walls lay on the ground
Blasted down
Thoroughly defeated
And the water rushes over, across
Trampling any chance of recovery
Nothing can stop this water now
It streams from my eyes
Hot and heavy
It rolls
Leaving tracks down my cheeks
Marking its territory
Carving its way down a path not-so traveled
And suddenly
This water
It slams into my side
Almost knocking me over
I realize
Never have I let go
So completely
Before
I have let the water well up
Sure
But never have the corners allowed
Escape
I have let the water creep into my voice
My body
But never have I really
Released it

All of the sudden
It makes sense
The reason this feels so right
For with the fall of each rain drop
A moment of
Pain
Anger
Fear
Disintegrates

This water is crashing down
With no signs of reprieve and
Your arms are around me
Embracing me
Trapping me
In your love
Unconditional love
Love that,
No matter what I do
No matter what happens to me,
Will never abandon me
I am ensnared
In this love
Held down
Held together
By your arms
Yet
I feel so light
I might just float away
Never
Have I felt

**So free

When the sun goes down and the fears begin to fly
My poisoned thoughts pollute my mind
Telling me I can't do it
Anymore
Leading my hands to
Grasp
Hungry and desperate
For that cold, shiny piece of metal
I hear the whispers of the devil
Soft and comforting against my ear
Encouraging my movements
Taunting me
And the second it touches my palm
I am more in control
This metal has tamed me
Just holding it in my hand makes it better
But the whispers are not satisfied
Oh no, they intensify
Cut
They say
Cut
They scream
And I am close
So close
But I hold on
I hold out
My fingers curl around each other
Forming fists
My nails dig into my flesh
I squeeze my eyes shut
And I sing

Hold on tight this city's about to break*
More God?
Really?
Why?
Please no more
Please
His hands wrap around my wrists
His knees push down
Pinning me
Like an animal
Stretched out on a board
Ready to be dissected
And everything that is
Everything that was
Strong
In me
Disappears

Hope sweet hope how much more can she take
My shoulders shake
My spine stiffens
All over
My body is trembling
From the stress
Of holding it all
Together
From the weight of
Fear
Anger
Confusion
Expectations
Hurt
It's crushing me
I don't know what to do
So I cling
To the one thing I know is true

The glimmering light in the corner of a broken sky
I see it
And I lunge towards it
I can't run
I don't have it in me
But I stagger and stumble
And slowly
I make my way
Through Him
To Him
It's the only thing I know to do
I want to cover myself in this light
In this life
It's bright and warm and
So unlike the things I've come to know
To expect
For this glimmer is the only thing
Keeping me in this game
The only thing
Breathing air into my collapsed lungs
The only thing
Pumping blood into my mangled heart

In the cold, dark night
She's not giving
Not giving up
Because this glimmer has done something,
Something that nothing else has ever accomplished
This glimmer has halted
The thoughts
The memories
The pain
The blade
And reminded me of
The love

The light may be dim
But it's there

That's all I need

When you throw a plate at the ground
It breaks
And no matter how many times
You apologize
It will stay on the floor
A million little shards of ceramic
So scattered
All the sweeping in the world
Would still leave some pieces
Behind

The best people possess
An innate ability to feel
To truly know themselves and others
To recognize and appreciate real, raw beauty
All around them
Especially in the simple things

The best people have
The courage to take risks
To be spontaneous and crazy
To turn around even the most desperate situation
To have creative fun

The best people have
The discipline to tell the truth
To realize that lying gets you nowhere
To know that honesty should be the rock
Laying solid and strong underneath every relationship

The best people have
The capacity for sacrifice
To fully invest in the lives of others
To love completely

Ironically,
Unfortunately,
These type of virtues cause for
Vulnerability
Which means
The best people
Are often wounded
Sometimes they even get
Destroyed

He found her most beautiful
Not when she was all fancied up
But when she wasn't
When she was lying on the ground
Rolling in the dirt
Her hair, a mess
Her body, folded over
In stitches
Her mouth open wide
Teeth bared,
Laughing about something stupid
That had happened years ago
A crazy laughter
Encouraged by the dry summer heat
In these moments
When she wasn't trying to impress anyone
When she had taken down that wall she built for most people
That's when
He couldn't keep his eyes off of her

**** is a real thing
It happens in books
It happens in movies
But it also happens to real people
Everyday

People talk about it
All the time
But
To them it's a joke
A hilarious situation
An exaggeration
So extraordinary
It warrants laughter

I ask how the game went
The response
"Oh man, we got *****"
A friend walks out to her car
They yell after her,
"Love you!
Be Careful!
Don't get *****!"
And then the giggles ensue
Because obviously
This isn't a legitimate threat
**** isn't something
We should actually be concerned about
Because obviously
You have control over
Whether or not you get *****

When I hear these things
**** spoken about
In this context
I have to stop myself from
Striking out
In a livid explosion
Of boiling anger and frustration
We live in such a bubble
A bubble of artificial safety
We lie to ourselves everyday
All I want to do is
Pop this bubble
With a giant metal rod
I want to just run at it
And stab at it
Until there is nothing left
I want to scream
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
But usually my mouth stays
Shut
My anger,
Behind the gates
Because it's not the time or place
Because I'm a coward
Because I don't want to be known as
The ****** girl
Who takes things too far
So I endure it
And nothing changes

And gradually
**** loses its
Twisted significance
With each joke
****
Moves further away from
A reality
And closer
To a bad dream
Closer to
A story
That could
Never
Possibly
Happen
To
You

I'm sick of waiting for
The right time
The right place
I don't think they're ever coming
So here it is

**** is real

A cold hard fact
Right there
Stop trying to escape it
Or sugar-coat it
Or rationalize why it's okay to joke about it
Accept it and work to change it
Don't ignorantly perpetuate the problem
It's not that we need to walk around fearing for our lives
That's no way to live
But it's time to adopt some sensitivity
Some awareness
Some sense of reality
We need to give thought to our words
Before they hit the air
Before they hurt the world
Because

**** is real

**** happens in big cities
At night
In downtown alleys
At bars
Behind clubs
To homeless people
To strippers
To prostitutes
To people
"Asking for it"
Whatever that means
But
It also happens
To innocent 14 years old girls
In sleepy suburban Minnesota
In broad daylight