Sometimes
We allow our hurt
To blind us
All we see
Are all the things that have ended
All we see
Are all the people who have let us down
All we see
Are all the ways the world has wronged us

And we forget

We forget
All the things that have gone right
All the people we have been blessed with
All the people who have loved us
And stayed
This good
These things
These people
Are bigger
More plentiful
Still
We only see the hurt
Because
The hurt is far more memorable
The torture has been
Etched
Into the very fiber of our beings
With a knife
A knife so sharp
A simple touch
To the pad of your finger
Would produce a stream of
Red
An undeniable scar of suffering
Yes,
The hurt may be smaller
But only
In raw amount
These unexpected, unwanted outcomes
These abrupt endings
They leave
Marks that are unable to be erased
Memories that burn through our skulls
And eat away at our flesh
Flashes of recollection
That rob us of life
Pain
So deep
We can feel it
All over our
Body
All throughout our
Broken
Bones
The open slices, they
Bleed
Fast and strong and full of confusion, they
Bleed
And using our shirt,
We mop up this
Blood
This rapid, rising
Flood
But no matter how many times
We wash our shirt
The stains
Remain

So I ask of you
Every time you look down
And see one of
Those gaping wounds,
Your gaping wounds
Those gaudy stains
Your gaudy stains
Please
Remember
All of those who have
Stayed
All of those who have
Embraced you
And refused to let go
Don't let yourself be fooled
The bad,
It has nothing on you.
Nothing.
Good triumphs over evil
Now and for
Eternity
Don't wade in circles,
Trapping yourself neck-deep in a puddle of
Hurt
Don't sit in self-induced
Blindness
Don't miss it
Just because
Your long lashes, your heavy lids,
That conceal your soul
Have been stubbornly glued shut
By you

Open your eyes

I know,
The light is bright
Take it slow
You can do it
Open your eyes
With the restoration of your sight
Will come your heart
It's terrifying
I know
But you're capable
Please
Believe and
See

Because
More often than we
Recognize
Perceive
Realize

**Good things happen to good people

I am freezing
The window is open and
I can't handle
This breeze
I am
Shivering
I am
Shaking
So violently
But there is no shutting it now
This window is open for
Good
I just have a hard time
Seeing, feeling, recognizing this
Good
It's so
Cold
Please
Make it stop
I am reaching
The blanket is in sight
It's warm
I know
But I can't get it
My arms aren't long enough
My hands aren't strong enough
I think I may have a piece of the corner
But it's slipping from my fingertips
I can feel it
Slipping
The tighter I hold
The harder this wind blows
The faster it slips

I am freezing

Why can't I just speak?
I had an hour with you
Just you and me
A whole hour
And I couldn't even do it.
I couldn't muster up the courage
To bring up
Anything
I tried
But I couldn't
Every time I opened my mouth
Intending to speak
My conscious began to scream
No
It felt like invisible hands were suffocating me
Shoving the words back down
To the place they came from
Why?
I trust you
I really do
I care
I really do
So why?
Why am I still afraid?
I don't have anything to fear?
Do I?
I just want to be able to speak with ease
I want the words to fall smoothly from my mouth
I desperately want to apologize
I want to tell you what I think
I want to listen
But first
I have to speak
I want to speak
But I don't want to say the wrong thing
I don't want to offend you
Or stir up anger
But
I'm pretty sure I don't actually have to worry about this
I don't
But I still do
And until I let this go
I will struggle to speak

I brushed it off
I pretended it wasn't a big deal
I said you really had no reason to feel that way

But
I shouldn't have
It is
You do

The truth is
I didn't know what to say
Because
I feel the same way about you
People have deserted me
People have deceived me
My entire life
I have come to expect it
When you spend time with other people
I always feel the painful twinge
Of selfish jealousy
This jealousy, it's irrational and I know it
But that doesn't mean I still don't feel it
That's part of why I enjoy just being around you
That's why I spend a lot of my time with you
So that you can't forget about me
And leave

But who am I kidding
It's not like I am going to stop you
If you want to leave
You will

When you said that
I didn't know what to say
I failed to return your honesty
Because I didn't want to face the truth
Because I hate that you have been hurt
I hate that you too, have a reason
A reason to expect people to leave
A reason to dread it's seeming inevitability
I hate that I have given you a reason to leave
Because I have
I have been so selfish
Fully absorbed
In things the really don't even matter
I was ridiculously irresponsible
But instead of judgement or anger
You treated me with overflowing compassion and love
Things I haven't even earned
You told me about kissing R
You told me you still love T
And I was too drunk to really care
To give you an appropriate response
A thoughtful response
I abused your care
I abused your love
I've been so wrapped up in myself that
I've neglected to really ask
How are you?
Or maybe I did
But I didn't take the time
To really listen to the answer
Last night,
You were real with me
Like always
You confessed that you didn't want me to leave
That you felt like I was already floating away
And I just pretended like that was a stupid, silly thing to think
I shot down your honesty
I was too scared to actually address your words
Because
They cut deep
Right to the bone
I let you struggle with it
Alone
I went to bed
I ran
Hoping everything would magically be better in the morning
But it doesn't work that way
I was lying to myself
I was lying to you
Two things
I'm all too good at

I have a deep-seated desire
For you to think
That I'm all good
That I'm okay
That I'm starting to figure this whole life thing out
But I'm not
And you know
You know me so well
And I know you know
So there is no sense in hiding
In pretending
In being afraid
You have poured all of yourself into my life
You have promised to be there
Always
And I have let you down
I wish I could promise this will be the last time
That I won't mess it up again
But in the spirit of being honest
That's probably not true

But I believe
I believe love has the power to overcome
Love prevails
And I love you.
I really do.
Not a superficial love
But a strangely trusting love
The kind of love where your smile makes me smile
The kind of love where simply your presence changes my day
An overwhelming love
An all-encompassing love
You are my sister.
And I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I really, really love you.

If I could hug you forever
I would
If I could cling to you,
Covered in your comfort,
Covered in your protection,
Forever
I would
If I could love you
Forever
I would

And I will

If you let me,
I will

Please believe me,
I will

And someday
We will be wrinkly, old ladies
Swaying back and forth
Riding rocking chairs on your front porch
Still cracking up at each other's dumb jokes
Smiling
Trusting
Living

You actually don't know everything
So get off your pompous ***
Climb down from your throne
And face reality

I never meant to do that
To dig the cut deeper,
Please
Believe me
That was not my intent
I never want,
Not today,
Not ever,
To push anyone to feel that way
To do that to themselves
To harm themselves in any way
You are already covered in scars
I should have known better
I should have stopped
Sooner
No, I shouldn't have done it at all.
I know what that feels like
That level of hurt, anger, disappointment
And no one deserves to feel that way
No matter what they've done

I am so sorry.

Hands reaching
Slicing through the air
This thick, steamy air
Fingers
Burning their way
Down
This heat
My insides are
On fire
Lips
Tongues
I push
You return
Slow
Fast
Circle
Sloppy
Hungry
Desire
Hands under
Grabbing
Twisting
Ahhh
Mhmmm
Yes
Breathing
Heavy
Hard
Shirt­ off
So hot
Fingers fumble
Buttons undone
So wet
So ready
Fingers
Touching
Pushing
Circling
Hips
Thrusting
Dipping
Responding
Craving
More
More
More
Body
Exploding
Mind
Lost
You
Hard
Underneath me
Skin
Against
Skin
Lips
Tongues
Slip
Down

And then
****
Stop

Reality

Hazy
But
Reality

****

Wait no
Don't
Stop
Go

But
Yes

Stop.

Clothes thrown on
Quick
One more
Quick

Then
Slap

And even though
It wasn't my cheek

All that remains is
The distinctive sting of

Regret