I can feel myself shutting down
Again
And I hate it
I want to speak
But I can't seem to wrangle my thoughts into coherency
My words are
Lodged
Caught
Stuck
In the depths of my throat
My feelings have
Overloaded
Jammed themselves
Into the crevices of my brain
With no plans of making an appearance

Please
Make it stop

Crack me open
Guide me

Help me

Sometimes, I grip my pen
So tight
My fingernails
Dig deep
Leaving behind cavernous indents
The remains of desperate claws
Marring the intricacies of my palm
A reminder to hold on
An indicator of what happens when
You let go

Sometimes, I write
So fast
With so much intensity
So much emotion
So much urgency
My pen
Catches and
Rips
Right through the page

But it's better.

It's better
To break through my paper with my pen
Than to slice through my skin with my blade

Everyday I have the choice
I make this choice
The pen
Or the blade

And today
I choose the pen

Because
One day
Someday
Out of all this
Ripping
Breaking
Slicing
Will come
Something

New

Sometimes I can't handle being inside my skin
I want to break out of this cell
The walls, the ceiling, the floor
They're closing in on me
These bars are pressing into my side
My stomach is going to burst
All I want is to
Rip out my brain
And tear out my thoughts

But I can't move.

What if
His words weren't actually
What caused the hurt
But instead
It was just simply
The truth
That did it
He slapped you
Straight in the face
With the truth
That he will
Always
Tell you the truth
Always.
The truth that
He is honest with you
All the time
The truth that
You have been
More than real with him
So he is giving you back
Even more than you gave
The truth that
He is not
Just another
He is different
The truth that
He has professed
Time and time again
He loves you

And you love him too.

No, his words
The way he said it
That wasn't okay
But boys can be stupid
He never promised to be eloquent or graceful
He never promised to say
All the right things
At all the right times
And I don't think that's even what you want
But he has promised you
The gift of
Honesty
To treat you like a person
Not a princess
To grace you with
Nothing but
The truth
That he cares
That he loves you

And you don't really know
What to do with it
But you care too

That's the truth

They say the truth is hard
That the truth,
It hurts
He slapped you
Straight in the face
With the truth
And it stung

It's still stinging

But I think you finally saw it
At least,
I hope you see it

But you can't just see it
And ignore it
Pretending you're blind, deaf, devoid of feeling
It won't work
Because it won't stop stinging
Until you accept it
Until you embrace it
This despised
This wonderful

Truth

I'm trash
But I'm no longer floating aimlessly upon the breeze
People have come along
Picked me up
And placed me
Right
Where I belong

Deep green
Brown, blue, gold flecks
Explode from inside the green
The flecks, they lay immersed in the green
Floating, dancing
These green eyes,
Her eyes,
They stand open
Wide
Huge on a tiny, precious face
They stare
Then they dart
Taking in the room
Watching
Questioning

Long, dark eyelashes outline
These deep green eyes
And they flicker
Down
Up
Down
Up

Her delicate curls are pulled back
Carefully, lovingly
Into two messy pigtails

Her lips
Full, pink, soft
Slightly parted
They lie silent
Thoughts begin to flood her brain
Words begin to overflow into the depths of her mouth
Soon they reach her tongue
Sliding, slipping
Begging to be free
But no sound escapes
Quickly, her lips close
Tight
And these lips
They hold off the wave
Yes, her lips are
Still
Pushed together
Firmly, determined

Her hands
So small, so fragile
These hands
Grasp at the edges of her shirt and
Slowly, gently,
Peel it off her skinny torso
Leaving her chest exposed and
Cold
Deliberately, her fingers undo the button
On her tie dye jean shorts
And her shorts, they
Fall
Cascading down
Landing in a pile at her ankles
And her hands
Those tiny, fragile hands

They clench into fists

And those lips
Those full, pink, soft lips
They press together
Harder
And those pigtails
Those carefully, lovingly placed pigtails
Are violently ripped out
By the hands of a monster
And now
Her curls
Her delicate curls
They plummet down the sides of her face
Settling against her cheeks
Shadowing her eyes
Those deep green eyes
That squeeze shut
As the voice of the monster cuts through the air
And on her command
His fingers
With painstaking exactness
Burn their way up her calf
To the inside of her thigh
And still
Up
Farther
They go

Yes, she closes her eyes
Her deep green eyes
And her small hands
They unclench
And then reach up
And cover her ears

Just like that
Her world turns dark
And silent