I'm the type of person who buys cute gardening gloves

But upon first use declares them *******

It turns out, I need to feel

   the dirt between my fingers

   the layers packed under my fingernails

We've been
Waiting for
Talking about
       this
            forever

Now that it's
                      here
The moment feels
heavy
  hazy
   hectic
    hallowed
     hazardous
      hard

I'm ready to just do it already

But this doesn't feel like
The type of thing to do in
        haste

It's possible I'm being
       hyperbolic

Or I'm spot on it's
       historic

hold on

hand & hand
We stand
     hopeful

Turning
Dark brown
I let go
The sweetest release
Slowly I fall
Twisting my way
Upon the wings of the wind
I soar
Gently
I rest against the ground
Which grows
Colder
Harder
With every second
I lay
Silent
Curled up
Crunchy
Dead
A foot comes
Large and wide and horrifying
It steps
With power and purpose
Directly on top of me
Squishing me
Breaking me into
Tiny fragments
Puzzle pieces
That could possibly connect to form
What I once was
Lucky for me
My stringy veins
Hold me together
I lay sprawled
Flattened
Exhausted
Like a connect a dots completed by a toddler
I don't resemble myself
But I can see my parts
An unlikely display of
Strength
I had long thought disappeared
The wind pushes me around
I tumble
Forward
Back
The air cools
Rain soaks my surface
Snow pummels my body
Soon, I am trapped beneath its flakes
All I see is
White
A blank wall of
Nothing
I can feel my body
Disinigrate
But all of the sudden
A warm sensation comes over me
It is so strange
I see slivers of green from beneath my white blanket
Eventually I see blue
Puffy white clouds
Brilliant flowers
I am soggy
But somehow
Still
One

The whole time
The evergreen stands near

Weight
So heavy
Pile after pile of
Corpulent burdens

Massive amounts of
Stuff

Thought after thought
Thousands of miniscule pins
Poking
Prodding
Pounding

Relief?

It all comes down to
Just how well can I
Express myself

Too bad
My words never truly articulate my meaning
Too bad
My insides fizzle with rage at the slightest struggle

Too bad

No relief
Only me
Immobilzed
Bending

Crushed

Sometimes I just want to
Scream
At the world

NO YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG

Then
Run away
And hide
In a cardboard box
On the side of the road
In a ditch somewhere
Anywhere
Just far, far away

I wonder how long people would care?

Eventually
My dramatic scene
Would mean
Nothing
My presence
Would no longer be missed
Eventually
People would forget

The only thing of me remaining,
Rotting skin
***** bones

A dilapidated cardboard box
Soggy
Left out in the rain

You can't hold her
When you grip tight
She will
Slip
Like sand
Falling through the tiny cracks
In between each finger
You can try
But every time
Your hand will end up
Empty
White knuckles
Snatching up
The air
Nothing else
For she
Alone
Holds herself together
Pieces of string
Globs of glue
Strips of duct tape
Hastily slapped on
Her two hands
Alone
Pull and
Cover and
Push away

There is no room
For
You

She was there when
I first rode a two wheeler
All by myself
She was the one who
Grabbed the back of the seat and gently pushed me along
Helping me to stay balanced
Letting me go at the perfect moment
Hugging me
Telling me how proud she was
When I finally got it

She was there when
I mastered the chain stitch
She taught me how
She encouraged me when
I got frusterated
And threw the needle and yarn down in disgust and defeat
She's the one who said
You can do it
Keep trying

She was there when
I landed my first backside boardslide
She had him build the ramp and rail
For me
So I could practice
And get better
She clapped when
I did it
She smiled and said
I knew you could

She was there when
I was first really introduced to Christianity
She told me about God
His awesome power
His amazing grace
She answered my questions
Pushed me to
Look closer
Delve deeper

But
She was also there when
I was hurt
Beyond any comprehensibly reason
She was the grand master of my pain
Directing the show with
Biting words and
Slicing actions
She was the one who
Made the demands
She was the one who sat and watched
Hand on my thigh
Stroking
As he whipped his ***** against the side of my face
As he licked places that should not be licked
She was the one who
Smacked
And yelled
And kissed
And touched

Yes
She did all these things
And this,
This is why
My heart overflows with conflict
And nothing,
Not a single thing
Makes any sense
I feel a strange sense of attachment and care
But in the same moment I am gripped with boiling hatred
My brain is twisted into
A spiraled mess of indecision
And I just want
Out
To not feel sick
But
Normal
To know that what I feel is true
And right

But I can't
And I don't