When I think of love, I see The Ruins. It is you at your worst state and yet I still held your hand. It is seeing eyes turn into darkness that I thought I could hold and breathe into. It is feeding your coldness and bitterness with the warmth of a smile and a touch. To love you was to see you in ruins. It is laughing at the most unhappy moments. It is in smiling to get through the day. To not see your face the way I thought I had memorized in my brain. To not see you in dreams and only see you in nightmares. To look at synthetic leather and be reminded of your violence. To smell the scent of car perfume and be reminded of suffocating. To finally wake up and see your eyes the way they always saw mine and the way you held them without knowing who I am. To feel the thin hair on your head as I graze through it with my fingertips. To have you lie beneath my shoulder or against my chest, knowing what it cost me and what it meant to you. To see your most vulnerable spots and know where it hid without looking. To feel the weight of your arm as it lazily naps on me while I am struggling to find the warmth of a blanket. To discard your words and believe my own. To deny myself the right to my own body as you pushed me and have to explain that it hurt. To believe in your heart despite seeing it all. To see the highlights of your face against the sun and watch it dissolve when its dark and the room is empty. To never see you again. And still, to know that I have loved. To love is to see yourself in ruins and still accept it as if it had ever been anything close to love.

i relished in the waiting
a hand on a hand
a voice whispered to lips
a lie revealed itself
i stayed in the moment
before waking up at dusk
before the light surrounded me
when your voice lingered
on my mind until dawn
i have seen this play along
all in my dreams
where you stood
and bended over backwards
and broke your words
the sanctuary of your soul
the smell of the familiar
i relished in the comfort
a hand on a hand
a body on a body
a warmth on warmth
the water engulfed itself
where you hid
with a head dive
to reach the surface of desire
nothing keeps me up at night
other than word is finally out

in the end, all i saw in your eyes was silence
a darkness i have never seen before
the place where i looked for comfort
where i held your wandering hand

it was in your eyes i found
the crippling silence
it was your hiding behind blinds
and making up your mind about me
to string me along your lies
with hands that never held me the right way

the silence you can't ignore anymore
the brokenness of being home
to someone who was never there
the silence you must face alone
when you are nothing but frailty
the silence that is trembling with fear 
when there are no words left
when the sound of my soul
a silence that wakes up
holds itself whole again

i wake up at noon
and see you fly past
the moonlight as it glares
down at me for dreaming
what i'm dreaming
some of the time
i wake up at the south end
where the perfect storms
have taken course
and see you fly through it
like a breeze
i wake up to you
saying my name
as if it means something more
but i don't believe it
the voice never leaves your lips
i find it hard to wake up
every so often
for the same reasons
i begin again
the way it always ends
when the moonlight glares at me
telling me to slow down
i wake up at midnight
to the same world
that ended for me
yesterday morning

Feeling after feeling
After waiting
For another hour to pass
For another feeling to pass
The waves never reach
The shore never kisses
This moment
Never endures
The lonesome
Writes itself a letter
Off the line
Another cliff
To overcome

Where you go when you disappear
Tell me how long you've been there
All along you're awake in a dream
Things aren't what they seem

Tell me where do you go
When you disappear
Tell me to wake up
This is all a dream

Where you go when you disappear
Tell me who takes you there
Where you're far away
Living at sea

Is it a dream we're living in
To me you were real
Tell me things aren't what they seem
I envy the sea
That takes you

Tell me to wake up
If you aren't what you seem
If this isn't just a dream
Tell me what's real

Where you go when you disappear
I wouldn't know
Tell me who takes you there
Tell me I've been lied to
Who's with you
Where you want to go

You can be far away from me
To make me feel like you aren't there
You can feel so near like the light of day
It wouldn't change a thing for me

I could love you until the sun fades
Or when the earth loses its way around
I could lead you toward the center of this gravity
Where everything goes down
Where ships have fallen
Where men have died in ruins
To tell us how we found our way to each other
Even then it wouldn't change a thing

It could be everything we need
If you and I could have it all
It wouldn't matter anymore after all
All that I wanted was you
I wouldn't change a thing