My world is crashing down
here it is my home is torn from my grasp
my summer life is far away
without an opportunity to get her back  
im heartbroken
utterly shattered
in everyway I havve no idea what to do
all with one email and alone

and here it is my world is ripped in one piece of paper
1.94 is the number to define me now
my dreams of the future slipping away
pulled away by a digit
my art school hopes are dashed

and here it is empty again
left alone and finally i am so hurt there is nothing
i can do but sit and die

and above all i ffeel like im losing him
my best friend and I miss him
i cant believe how hurt i feel
i wish he was with me
and i wish i wasnt hurt

Have you ever peeled a lemon like an orange
and dissected it piece by piece
and let the sour juice spread on your tongue
making your lips pucker

Have you ever licked the blunt edge of a knife
and thought what if it cuts my lips in lavish streaks
lending a hand in
tearing up my insides  

Have you ever snorted a line of pepper
just for the hell of it
to let it rip up my nose and sneeze until I cough up blood
I haven't...

I haven't sneezed since 1943

Like a wilted plant I was caught in a ceramic *** painted like a spider web
You were my love and the band of my existence
Saying that isn't enough when I mean to say you were a ballet dancer
and a poppy seed bagel and a brand new bottle of nail polish
a champion of industry and and unsharpened pencil

I have a picture we took together
its your blurry childhood hand snatching at the camera
I clicked the button and flash there it was
a stuck moment in time
a time of playful zoo days and class field trips

Together we were a couple of culture shock cuties and sadgirl themes
making a red wine grin

You were a love and You were my artist but your friend caught my eye

hugs me warm
so beautiful and hot
kisses my head leaving me pretty
left me sitting happy head rested on my shoulder
s o loving
making me see streaks
and electric violet lines

your body is beautiful
so so pretty
coveted by the boys
the ***** ones
sharks
who devour the smell of blood in the water
the ones who thrive off the smell of their prey

baby we should cuddle
so so warm
and extra pretty
but I feel ***** ***** *****
because you have extra love baby
just for me me me
begging me for a little bit moremore more

lovely lovely
can I have a taste of the
sweet nectar
a little little bit baby
youre so pretty
a body so fine fine fine

its all a ******* twisted lie
to get your rocks off before you take a dive and ask a different girl
to prom

how big am i
how big am i when i feel so small
my reflection lives in a funhouse mirror
thick thicker
short shorter
the curves of my body are as warped as the glass
and the more i stare
the sadder i get
i see every misshapen lump to my short stature
like an eagle looking at its prey

how big am i when i feel so small

it is the ides of march
and i might not be caesar but
i want to be stabbed

******* **** me
and bury me in a cerulean lake
alone and cold and kissed
saddened by the puckers of a watercolored paper
and emptied by a lovers hollow email
telling me goodbye

i want to eat my arms
devour my legs
my heart
every bit of my body
so that i can be a morsel of my soul
so that i can be tiny
tiny
tiny tiny

To see myself through anothers eyes
anothers diary entries about me
to hear that someone loves me deeply
but to feel so ******* alone
in every sense of the ******* word
all i want is to be wanted
to look in the mirror and see a lump of clay
fat thick and moldable but never quite fitting the way you want it
when i want to see a marble slab perfect and smooth rolled under
a perfectionists chisel
all i want is to be a first choice

and everyone i love gets a piece of me stretching me smaller and smaller until my love is wisps and dont have enough to knit myself a sock let alone a sweater but everyone in my life is warm and cozy swaddled in a mess of my knitted love

every word
limited to complements and criticisms
but overwhelmingly i still love you
hand to god i cant help but live in your echo
i cant decide whether i like it
im hurt and consumed with you
--

--
hail mary bluebird
kissing your cross
and spitting on my grave
snorting coke off a jesus idol
a virginal harlett objectified by every onlooker  
twirling from beach to beach
an idle drifter living in someone elses moment
--

--
the girl i love is painting for me
when oh
when can you come back for me
and respond to my teary hello

chilly coldy cold
**** the slush on roadside drives
taste the dust of icey eyes
lips of frost and glacial heart
snowy life  
cold colder coldest
what the ****

broken broken
no talk
slice speech
words done
end

my first kiss was from a best friend to a best friend
i complained that I was fifteen and had never been loved
so she pulled me in and kissed me as a friend
it was nice

next it was a boy in love with someone else they held hands
when we kissed it was just a peck
his lips were warm but he was cold

then came a boy who fell in love too quick
i didnt know his name, all i knew was that it was in the rain
the music was loud there was blood on his shirt
and his tongue was in my mouth

following that came the one who hurt a pretty girl
we met online and testing was hard
i invited him over and we kissed my mouth tasted like mint
i was tipsy and my mom came home
he hid and he left she never found out

later was a boy who was super high
morphine helps to spell his name
he was desperate for kisses and i was desperate for love
he kissed me and later said cool
he didnt remember

most recently a girl who will never love me back
a fake kiss on the forehead but it was the best kiss ive ever had
she petted my hair and i loved it so so much
i was sad and she knew i hid behind my glasses but she saw my tears
it was a walk by in the dark and there were no words
she never dates she just has *** and i want to date her
she calls me little one or lovebug
and all i love is that

sun tanned thighs
mexico
whiskey from canada
teary eyes
and concerned lies
puzzles
pale neck bubblegum
flippy skirts
and loving from

there is a postcard lying in the middle of my floor
covered in her writing
telling me that I am worth it
telling me that she loves me
it looks so perfect just lying there
in the center of my carpet
i cant bring myself to move it or touch it
my mom doesn't try to pick it up
because even she sees how rightful its placement is
right and perfect
and truly in love

You said you hadnt been kissed in a while
i told you i would kiss you
you said youd kiss me back and im overjoyed
I love you
The rest of my night was a swirled druggy haze

i feel like melted butter
and i wont remember anything in the morning
if you want to use me tell me

I am the garden walls used
to protect me and I am the weeds that weave through the walls
and under the walls curving myself through cracks in my own cement
this is cliche

I see you sitting there comfortably blue
shin resting on your knees
mid sigh
why is everything i write caught in a sad moment
done

peel me like an orange
please
i want to feel open

hello body of summer,
I miss you
I was thinking of naming you beautiful
I'd rather call you mine again

I literally have whisky hidden in a piñata
this is not a poem
just a fact
I'm saving it for a rainy day

there are things I press after I write
I wish I could just jam screws through my fingers
and attach strings to them
to make myself a marionette
con a better writer to manipulate my hands
so I may become read by more than one

People only like me for my short poetry
its not good,
its just things people have said to me
about the girl I love
I just wanna see some words I actually wrote
getting appreciated

I was dissecting a box of candy today
and I thought of her I found one that had a warped smily face and it just seemed to be how I feel around you
skewed and distorted
i rested that heart on my tongue and it melted in my mouth

Whenever I get cold I think of you
because I put on my warm yellow sweater the same one that you have
because it gives me a feeling like you're near me
(happy)

emerald hometown
hello hello
kiss me on both cheeks
like the french
I drew my first love  
neon naked
crooked and empty
just like her tiny
freckled hands wrapped
around the wheel
towards milkshake heaven
gay okay
just like her
smoothed spiked shoulders
poured like cream
on bone
rolling in peaks down her flat back
and her lace spun spine
to her razor knees
just like me sharp and
pointed by the outside  
but I know how soft
and faint hearted you are
like a flower
grasping grazing raising
goosebumps just like your
pine tree time starts
amherst and oxford nearly
miss you as much as I do
frazzled like your bangs
and ragged like your ends
sweet and daisy fresh

she is an enigma wrapped in wildflowers, its true
and i love her

look realistically i shouldn't be sad
but now I'm small and shaky feverish and empty
I just wanna be held in the arms of someone who thinks they're tinier than I am
I wanna be pretty and little
and happy and creepy

In all honesty I have a headache and its my own fault
I cried all night
my throat hurts
but thats because I breathed through my mouth
sat stagnant pulling papers and now im still sad

1.You were real before and you're real now

do you remember

2. You are baby its all you

i get the shivers

3. I love you too

this validates me

4. wanna come with me?

i do

5. hi whats your name

this is just a beginning to something potentially new

I dont feel as empty when I think about you, I hope you feel similarly

Yo

Hi

You know your one of my best friends right

Aw thank you

Your welcome

Hehe
How are to
You

wana call or somethin

I can't I'm decomposing

oh ok
Sorry

no no its ok dont worry
What are you right now

Rolling around in my basement

No I don't mean what are you doing I mean what are you

A happy panda

That's good

Yeah

Yep

Im happy because I'm talking to you my friend

Thanks pal

Your welcome

******>
yeah

I'm incredibly Atlantic

Cool

Ya

Yup

So tell me

About?

Anything

What is YOur favoret thing to watch

Movies without plots

You?

The Isle of Man Ty race

That's cool

Yeah

Tell me more

Well I don't really have friends who would hang with me so I spend most of my time alone

That's nice

But when I feel sad I go for a long run
But I will admit it gets to be very lonely sitting alone all the time

I know what you mean

I would ask you to hang but we don't know each other very well and I don't want to be creepy

I feel you, I do the spends all my time alone thing to but I do it for funsies

Do you want to hang THO

Potentially I am kinda a loner by choice

Oh

I write a lot of poetry
And art

Yay
So what are you doing right now

Looking

Cool

Yeah

Your awsome

Thank you

Your welcome

What are you doing

Pretending I'm a ninja and throwing knives at my punching bag

Cool cool

yeah

Tell me something

Um ... I really like your hair
It's my second favoret collor
Thanks

Tell me something

Wanna know what my 5 least favourite phrases In the English language are?

Yes

1. I don't trust you
2. It's your fault
3. I finished and its late and I don't really know what to say so thanks I guess
4. Plenty of people love you. Gotta go
5. May I interject?

Yeah I feel you

I'm decomposing

Why

Why not

True
Can i decompose with you

I wouldn't recommend it

Oh ok

It's not really a fun thing to do at parties friend

Well if your going down in going down with you

Be careful where that takes you

Ok I will be thanks

So how do I do this

Lie down close your eyes and feel yourself pulling apart. Maybe cry idk do what you feel.

Oh ok

I'm lying in a puddle of myself empty as the day I was born but decomposing is subjective


Im sinking lifeless in a sea of fear and sadness

Invert that and imagine your swimming in the eyes of someone you love

Ok I'll try

What do you love

Art .. You .. Julia.. Um ... Death and soda

That's nice

But when I say you I mean that I um...

?

Never mind

Okay

I feel my self falling into pieces

I told you

This is awsome

It's not half bad
Sometimes

And now there are hungry wolves as im falling apart

I've been losing memories

Wait really

Yes

Well I'll be air for that

What

Most of my memories are bad and sad so I'll gladly loose some

I took pictures so they aren't gone

I don't feel like me

I feel achy and weepy

I feel ... Lifeless I don't feel anything anymore

I'm cold

So am I
Things are getting blurry but I don't want to stop

Close your eyes and go to sleep

I can't sleep

Close your eyes and recite then sounds of your favorite place

I love falling apart like this it feels like death

It felt like falling asleep

That was awsome

Yep

I don't trust you

I hate this because it's a phrase that takes me to my knees

2. It's your fault

All I can say is I didn't mean to

3. I finished and its late and I don't really know what to say so thanks I guess

Utterly hollowing. I'm empty

4. Plenty of people love you. Gotta go

At least that provides some solace. This is sarcasm

5. May I interject?

No

I found the draft to my first suicide note
Isn't it ironic that I wrote it on the back of a job application

Hi

Hey :)

What's up ?

Just on a dinner date w my parents

That's really awesome
When you get home can we talk

About what!

I don't know I'm just in a weird mood sorry if I'm bugging you

No no no astor I'll be home soon

Thanks so much

Sorry to bug you are you home yet

I'm on the way home right now baby what's up?

I dont know I'm just sad

About what little one

I just fall on people so easily and it's never returned, and that's one thing but at the same time I'm always used but never wanted
I don't know I'm just being dumb

Baby girl you are so loved. And you're not dumb at all! Are you sad about Elise?

Kinda but more than that I look at people like you and her and I see people so wonderful and beautiful no one wants me except for nudes

astor sweetheart love is so fickle, but I promise you on my whole heart that it will find you. You are smart and important and beautiful and worth so much love, you just gotta wait for it to find you. Lovely child I swear to you

How can that be true though not as good at people think I am, and I'm a ****** still

Virginity is overrated and it doesn't even exist
You are so good! And you're so little you have so much time
I'm sorry you feel lonely let me hold you

I'm just being dumb and whiny, but like it just feels like ever single one of my friends has done things and people on hell think of me as a little weird girl
I Just want to be wanted

I feel you astor, I wish I could give you a whole world full of boyfriends and girlfriends and support and love

That's you. But I jut want someone just for a little while to love me
I know I'm not the best looking person out there but I want someone to love me even for a minute

I promise you you will have that experience!!
Sorry that was an accident
And idk no one has ever really wante d me
Sorru

Don't be sorry astor. I'm here for you girls
I'm just really nervous
Thank toy so might
You're so amazing

You are baby it's all you
No actually I can't believe that I am even talking to you right now youre amazing

Shhhh shh

Bring your A game suckers
******* airhead egos
egocentric allied liars
lying about all their passions
passionate about calling out posers
posing as someone much better than their own
owning everyones aggression in a ten mile radius  
radius of lonely people begging for a break
breaking hearts and hurting eyes
eying brilliant bodies watching them writhe
writhing into conversations
conversing about boredom
bored. im bored

lani outstandi putting shreds of egocentric sludge
on the table shoving mushing into a glob of pulpy info
everything you you say matters more than the point of everything its self because you understand it so much better
---
Jim jam Morrison head
you know better than me the doors are your ****
loose lips and rotting teeth from all the conspiracies you spit
get your jaws in line buckeroo all you want is to be a white lighter too
---
hey listen close taunt her taunter
get me to say things thinking youre the king
never admit that youre the **** because people just know that about your oh so sly self thinking you trick me and leaving me out to dry you play it so friendly im not surprised

To compare thee to a summer wind would be quite outrageous
frankly to compare you to a tornado may be more apt
because rather than just rustle the leaves on various trees
you rip through town and trash all that resides in your crowded path
unorganized you shred apart anything and everything

To say you remind me of a butterfly would be simply false
you are much closer to a mosquito
because rather than land and add color and beauty to peoples life
you **** every bit of blood from surrounding bodies so they are nothing but husks of what they used to be
so that they are as empty as you are

continuing on to a different point

I want to run my fingers through you're greasy smoky hair
to gently stroke your bruised ashen cheeks
and kiss the ****** space where your fingers were

gently love you though thats not what you would want to do to me or anyone for that matter

You are more for clawing my frizzy hair from my head and pulling me hard around
to punch my rosy cheeks until they're cut gory and swollen
bite and grasp my neck until its black and blue
and utterly tear me limb from limb

Though I love you so deep inside myself i know
if we carry on with this escapade Ill end up just like the others
with poison on my lips a bullet in my chest straight between my two *******
in a coffin underground as empty then as i am now

Sunny hello
I told you I'm rotting
You told me that you were too
and Im so in love
All I need is for you
to let me talk
for a minute
although I'm too afraid anyway
Ten year old hair and sweet *** eyes
Im in love
did I already tell you that
Im afraid
I need you to say hi first ****
comeback
I trust you

smile for your life
penny, pennies, 5 cents empty
bubblegum
lemon colored sheets
polaroid
hole, rolls, tigers eye
rock em sock em
for a while images giving
light life lost loss
pearly buttons, stolen moments
pinky plastic gems
walls of pastel
key west
mosquito keys
curly crown floral hair
masquerade spooky shade
kneeling keeling boyfriend jeans
clenching gut wrenching shotgun grin
andy warhol longhaired jeep
beanie blunts and lipstained treats

harlequin dancer waltzing to a song specific to your home
the hiraeth I have isn't for the house I grew up in all 16 years
its for the space in between your arms, fingers, legs, neck and shoulders
the space in you

Hey rosebud
your lips are so red
so red like the blood
the blood that rushes to my cheeks
when you touch me
(even if its just on my arm)

hey clementine
your hair is orange
as vibrant
your hair in the picture i painted
the one that you keep
in your journal
(it desperately makes me smile)

hey sunshine
your aura is yellow
do you hear me?
its yellow just like
In the sweater you wear
you used to borrow hers
(the one i used to covet)

hey forest
your **** is green
like the places you go
running over damp moss
getting high driving around
smoking plants and memories
(I want to go with you)

hey ocean
Your sea is blue
like the water you swim in
lying on your back
hair unfurling
like tendrils of strawberry gold
(You are the sea and im gonna take a dip in your eyes)

Hey lavender
your room is purple
like the dreams you have
you are the smell in your room
the light of my life
the sky in the morning
(you are a flower and i think you are etherial)

you are the colors of the rainbow
you are shades
hues and beautiful tones
i see you in every pothole
every tooth in every grimace
every painting in every museum
(you are every shiver down my spine)

when I look at her I feel so tingly
and her voice sounds like piano playing
her hair smells like incense and ****
her personality and ideas are insightful
she's so smart and interesting
her poetry is so beautiful
being around her makes me shake (literally)
everything about her is so rosebud
she is sunshine

tap tap tap
on the keys
rapping typing
skimming in threes
playing the scales in arpeggios
thinking about your eyes
and kissing your nose
waves of notes
mixing up the stairs
like a boat on the tide
or clips in your hair
i can think of you only
its become an issue
to me you are holy
and i constantly miss you

Her rooms smells like incense
the car smells like ****
her pretty brown eyes remind me of trees
pretty pale legs are lilies and home
her milky skinned back is bare just for me
I love her smile its milkshake made
her rainy red hair is leafy and clean
her yellow sweater is worn out and neat
but her positive space is lavender green

her laugh is like small bells
it makes me numb
and tingly
i smell like her and I love it
piano girl

Under my eyes I feel them growing up through the sockets and sprouting out like chlorophyll tears
The dandelion petals tickle my lids like butterfly kisses it itches
I think I should tear them out

you are the sound of piano to which I type along
close to three minutes long
my classical icon
as though i could close my eyes forever to you
you aren't true love
and I know that because I think Ive felt it
one hundred times
but for the hundred first time ive fallen in love with your music

messy hair
stragglers that float in the sunlit 7:47am air
cause trouble, **** subtle  
*** with cops and killers
bikini flowers windowsills
xanax lovers loom
ugly paisley wallpapered  motel room
making out in pharmacies
I want to leave because I cant breathe

Midwest highway
sting of cold air in my veins
a rush of hope
desire flows
im happy wild and free

I ran into a house
metallic snow of my design
escape me to this day
ill find myself
where and when and why

I live for life
i guess you'd say i cant stand living
organized the boredom here it takes me back
too ******* far too wide

I miss the broken seashells
cracking on the rocks
overcast sky and shrieking gulls
hacking away at my own eyes
forget the life i left behind
i miss my island
miss my tide

Im not pretty
I wish that I was because then
maybe someone would **** me
I want to ride someone until they ***
but if I did I would jiggle and be even more ugly
I want to be thin

I wish I was pretty enough to be a seventies groupie
Strong, and graceful
with famous men wrapped around their fingers
and life at the tip of their tongues