is there water in your lungs? fire in your veins? poison in your blood?

tell me why you cant sleep at night


the whole worlds asleep and you're awake drowning in thoughts of suicide
listening to the demons cry


have you ever felt so used up that you couldn't heave breath from your chest?
do you know what it's like to feel nothing at all?
or everything at once? can you tell me why you're eyes don't shine anymore?
they were once filled with light-they were so bright.

i know you feel like nothing is okay
but darling, i will kiss your scars

let it not be confused
let no one else's name
ring throughout these sentences
let this be a hatchet
let me put this to rest
this is not a test
i don't want to think
about shipwrecks anymore
i am tired of folding apologies
into origami birds
and placing them
at the headstones to your tantrums
this is not is not geology class
these are promises
written on razorblades
      & if you are getting choked up
        then maybe you should be
maybe we should be buried
with our telescopes face down
my mouth is full of sorry
all for being honest
we are falling out of orbit
we are burning bystanders
so cast away your callous condolences
because no one is clapping
in this waist deep water
this is not a baptism
so do not tell strangers
that this was a chance to drown
any differently
i am not a catalogue
of constellations you cannot name
this is not mythology
so stop believing your horoscope
i am not a wishing well
i am just a wall for you
to paint post nuclear fallout & antonyms for catharsis on
we destroy the things
that are not ours-
the wanton ways
we embody wrecking *****
and then cry over the rubble
this is not a heap or a mosaic
this is leaping
off a thousand story building
with no one to catch you
at the bottom & maybe
that's why some quiet moments
are so fragile, maybe that's why butterflies have mimicry
your words are black powder
and poetry is your musketry
i guess that makes me your blindfold

i can feel you
distancing yourself from me
i can feel continental drift
i wonder, do the shoes
you wear to run from me
have holes in them?
or do you go barefoot
careful not to make a sound
in your retreat. "cover your tracks & don't look back" i imagine
your demons whisper daily
as you are growing fond of me
i wonder if your heart puts up a fight when you want to see me
or if it's a massacre
& the demons dance
on dreams you have
of us holding hands
do you wander to your car
only to find yourself back in bed?
do you put your makeup on
just to take if off again?  
is your imagination of me
a graveyard, or a pair of open arms
that are inches away
but just out of reach?
you see, what i've been so afraid
to tell you for so long,
why i feign sometimes
before speaking
careful not to tell you
all my unspoken promises,
it has to do with the night you had your head on my chest and confessed you never thought my heart
could beat like hummingbird wings:
i apologize for my silence
what i've been trying to say
is that my heart hasn't slowed down
since the day we drank coffee together
continents apart

To sum it all up,
I don't think anyone
has been able to
understand me as well as you did -
understand me enough to know
I needed help understanding myself.
So when you left,
you left me in this trance
where I didn't know whether
to walk back or run forward.
Instead, I lit myself on fire
thinking it would be easier
to learn from scratch
than to fix broken glass.
But either way,
I came up confused with ****** hands.

gd

Thank you for the large sushi platters
cheap, but would fill our bellies to their brims.
Thank you for the red lights,
that would grant us a moment to make out in public.
Thank you for the skyline,
that you gave to me in the rain and the sweet summer sunshine.
Thank you for the grains of sand on that one beach,
the cold water only made me hold you tighter.
Thank you for the road trip to Ohio,
you know I missed her too much to breathe.
Thank you for giving me spontaneity,
it is amazing how capable I am to achieve this trait.
Thank you for the long drives,
where I would cry and your voice would match the pitch of sweet Marley,
you would remind me that I was loved, that I was worth getting up in the morning for.
Thank you for the swim in the lake at the Botanic Gardens,
you let me come up for air first.
Thank you for the random calls,
your pungent voice reduced the swelling of home sickness.
Thank you for the large sushi platters,
cheap, but they filled our mouths with stale rice and rotting fish.

Chapter 1
Beeeep.
My mom checks her phone.
"I just took 37 pills and I'm afraid I'm going to die."

Chapter 2
Everyone always talks about how beautiful night is. In our poems we compare it to love. We compare it to eternity. We compare it to existence. But the darkness scares me. Nighttime terrifies me. I become so alone with my thoughts and there is no escape. I am completely alone. And when i'm alone i tend to do reckless things. My brain; so impulsive. I get drunk, I smoke ****, I have ***. I cut myself. I contemplate the bottle of pills under my bed.  I take the bottle of pills hidden under my bed. I don't cry; no-this isn't real yet. I don't shake. Steady hands. I forget about my family; I am not afraid of dying. Ten down. 27 to go. 16. 11. 8. 2.
I look up. I count to twenty. I feel sick. My sister, comes in. I cry- I cry so hard. I am going to die. I remember my family.
I am afraid.
So I text my mother. I refuse to face her-I won't face her. The shame, the guilt, the disappointment she will have. The anger.  She's going to be so angry.

Chapter 3
My dad storms in my room. So, so, angry. I cry-i'm scared. Not of  dying. I'm scared of my dad. Of my mother. Of their judgement. I walk into their bedroom. Nobody cries. I can feel the hostility. I can feel the anger. Why don't they love me?  "Attention seeker." They say. I cry. I hope I die. I shouldn't have said anything. I should have let them find me, shriveled up like a dried out flower- no pulse no pulse no breathing.
My mother takes me to the ER. My father stays home to sleep. My stomach feels like I have a cancer- a mold growing inside of me.
But I am afraid I will live.