i lost myself
when our eyes first met
hearts ablazed with desires
minds cluttered with questions

i lost myself
when we first talked
strings of conversations
stomach full of butterflies

i lost myself
when we went out
awed of your presence
two souls next to each other

i lost myself
when we first touch
a sting to my chest
a cure for loneliness

i lost myself
when we fell in love
gaps were filled
two souls as one

i lost myself
when we fell apart
for i knew
i wasn't going to be the same again

Four years ago I kissed your eyelids
and told you that when we grew old
I would tell them to bury my dead body right next to yours
so we'd never have to sleep apart
A part of me always knew you wouldn't last that long
You reached your rough hands to the clasp of my bra
and danced naked with me in our livingroom
I met you when you thought needles were magic
and you thought God was found in a cloud of smoke

I was 17 and the curls in my hair were designed by mother
I had my "father's eyes"
and my "sister's cheekbones:
but you liked my hips and the heart shaped freckle on my lower back
the way my brow furrowed before I fell asleep
You liked the parts of me no one could whisper "were passed down through the gene pool"
You were 20, you had track marks like sleeves up your arms
and your frail frame was a byproduct of your mother's addictions
and your father's love was formed on the thick skin he made you wear
Your lips tasted like peppermint
but I loved your heart.

When we got older you got down on one knee
and promised a lifetime of yourself to me
No one understood that I would have given a lifetime of fighting for you
if it meant there was even a small chance that I could mend those wounds
Even if I had to suffer every evening tear
every glistening moonlight
that you begged for more
because even though the needle   in your arm made you weak
I saw the strength you held me up with
and I saw the lips that craved for better
and I wished a lifetime of happy endings
because you'd had a lifetime of sorrows
I wanted to capture you in a  musicbox
because you always made my heart sing
and there was kitestring on your finger
that you promised you'd never forget
and I thought beyond everything  else someone must understand
so I wrote this poem to show the world the beauty I saw
despite the flaw
and my parents dreams for "better for me"
They didn't know the things you'd seen but they were right
I never said you were perfect
but when that hot July sun came
and you married me under that sycamore tree
and promised that you'd spend your life quitting
but never on me

So now I'm collecting red roses
for all the petals you left on my bed sheets
and I'm cleaning out the shirts in your closet
because I tried for years but you never wore them
You didn't get it
I loved you with a fire so deep in the ground
I swore I'd never let it burn out
and it hasn't
but in the end time couldn't let me keep you
Time wouldn't let you keep yourself
so now they're digging a hole in the ground
and I have to leave you there without help
because there was a boy with a needle in his arm
that couldn't face the past
and he cast a long shadow down a forever path
and even though he promised forever
he had given me the best that he had
So I kept his kitestring for another lifetime
when we get to sleep together again