Time passed with moments stolen
by the demands of life
for the first time in a long time
joy flowed through my veins
with peace giving me that warm glaze

Unexpectedly finding love
when it was the last thing I wanted
to seek out
...it found me here by the redwoods
on a stone so far away from the beaten
path

By letting my guard down
it found me...; I fell in love
all over again

The shine of the heart
blinded me, the compassion
flowed like my favorite river
not a selfish space was found

This love is unconditional
and faithful
...I found me; whole
I got to fall in love with me
again...losing the cloak
of judgement and pain

I'm a star from above
and I'm the earth child from below

I am~Love

There it was the dead air she was waiting for
the time in between lies and *******.
Love in layers like the onion and all that boils
down to is burning stench.
Can’t blame the dream though
since reality holds its own truth.

Light up, take a drag
Fill your glass to the rim
Spill the false bravado to page

And there; is where the painful laughter ends.

She was the Princess of Purgatory
wanting more from people and life
but never reaching out on her own.

I’d visit her there often inside the glass castle
braiding hair and brewing up dreams upon
thousands of stars…galactic sisters her and I.

There were territorial whispers saying that
she cried at night alone
…my heart broke for her, so I would inhale her pain.

Holding that breath I’d bend to kiss her good-bye
witches bones rattled as I passed through the veil to the light
…on exhale all was released, transmuted with life’s flame.

Balance is found in the depths of her and I
even in our one sided visitations~

There is no invitation required to enter here
just love~

My life has been on hold for years. After my divorce then falling in love with someone who claimed to be available and wasn't in so many ways I was actually in prison. Even after the divorce we lived together for 4 years while I attempted to save my family home.  But the financial world doesn't like self employed people.

So my losses were stacking up.  30 years of marriage gone and a divorce thinking I was going to be with the love of my life...which was the biggest lie of my life.  My family home sold to investors that will rent it out for profit.  During all of this I lost my best friend, my sister Cyndee.  I lost all other family members due to the fact that I was divorcing my husband over an online love.  They called him a crazy predator and called me just bat **** crazy.  

I don't regret the divorce.  So much of me had died in that relationship.  Things that I never even was aware of.  I'm on my own now. In my own space, full of my energy and full of love.  And well cats lol.  I'm the cat lady now.  And I'm ok with that.

Falling in love with someone online is so easy.  You're here pouring out your heart and soul from a place that is broken or unfulfilled.  Most of us are honest and raw in what we write.  I met him...the love was real.  I crave his voice and his face every single day.  But it's his wife that gets all that.  So then comes in the burn.  I've tried to date since, but no one has that ability to spark the light that he did in me.  I know....I own my own, but it was so **** sweet to have someone "get you"...

So where does the anticipation come in?  Well, I'm leaving for England in three weeks with my friend Jen.  We are staying with a shared friend there.  We plan on going to Wales to meet his druid clan, then King Arthur's Castle and Stonehenge.  This year is a freedom year for me.  A time to let go of the sadness and to move forward with people who honor me and love me.  I love traveling with Jen she and I always end up getting into some trouble along the way lol.  

After that I'm off to do my work in California, Florida, Arizona, and hopefully friend stops in the Carolinas and Virginia.

I'm moving forward.    It's about bringing life in after so many years behind bars.  My lovers heart is still chained...but the rest of me moves on.~

Blame got his hands *****
...yet still clung to the flower

The single flower gave him hope and light
...she loved the smell of the earth

Forgetting all that transpired
...Blame crushed the flower in his hand

Blame was washed clean
...yet his hands are still imprinted with shadows of

The flower was crushed
...in decay she still loves him

He never once crushed her soul~


~It was your choice to leave...so why do you still follow me? To hurt me more?

Those words tore at my flesh
tearing away any last thoughts
lingering in my memory.

You stole from me...

And I never have to forgive that~

Over the past few years I've realized I spend a lot of time alone. It's not because I have two heads, three teeth and multiple ******* but more so due to the fact that in learning to be alone I am learning to love myself.  All of those small intricate things that make myself unique (as we all are) or even quirky have re-entered my life and it's been fun.

Just getting back to the simple things.  The moments.  Not living in the past with hate, disappointment, anger, longing, sorrow or grief.  Not living in the future with a racing heart and always running towards something that is never guaranteed.  This moment right here...this one is where I'm at.  Living. loving and being in a world where chaos is the 666 trying to bring us all down.  

So today while unpacking one of my boxes I found an old native american blanket of my great grandfathers.  I never use it because it was special.  What the hell?  I took it, packed my wicker basket that I  got from goodwill for three bucks...filled it with a beer and pickles...yep that's how I roll.

I drove out to the highest point of Lake Michigan...(good place to dump bodies I hear) and toasted me.  Toasted my visual heaven that day.  The space between where dreams become real and I feel the love wash over me.  Despite all the haters on this site...I love it here.  Because each of us are unique, quirky, self absorbed and ******* at something.  Love?  well that's one tickle or stroke away so whatever.  I just hide behind my two heads, three teeth and multiple *******... love gone safe.  

So yes.  The beer was opened and tasted like the earthen barley and hops while I toasted the moment...the breath, the blue sky and you~

All on my Great Grandfathers special blanket...we survived.

A little girl with the shell of a woman
was brought to her knees  
The wind, rain, sun and moon feasted
upon the fragile skin

From the trees eyes watched
as the spirit inside fought the fear
it was then that a grizzly came forth, teeth bared
foul  breath seared the soul
…and she remained

Feeling paralyzed the night turned to day
with eyes wide open a wolf was spotted
…she dropped her head and took a deep breath
He circled her…growled so deep it vibrated inside her soul
…she remained

A white buffalo walks in her direction
the ground beneath her shakes as each  
hoof hit the earth
…the demand was silence  
Eyes met for what seemed like a lifetime
…she remained

The fear was released…in equal amounts to her life force
Until a man, white in spirit stood tall above her
reaching his hand out, telling her it was time
…she wept, and remained

It was then that she felt the man’s arms around her
placing her up against his chest, warming her
within the confines of his body
filling her spirit back up with light

The strength of that inner child was reborn to her  
that day…all cells became alive again and the heart
beat like a gentle drum.
…she is renamed

Eyes wide open with new sight
she looks over the meadow she had fallen into
thanking Mother for absorbing the fear
and Father spirit for loving her through it all
…she is~the wisdom keeper

Feeling life exude through sleeping cells was like
a kiss from the long awaited Prince.

…Awakening sensations that had slept for far too long
It’s time to absorb the magic that has swept through
every crevice over time, once gliding; now taking hold

The veil between heaven and earth is resting inside  
palms ready to cast the spells of immense healing
…hands ***** and heart pure the shadows are lifted to
the skies…be gone…be gone…be gone…  
(it is done) Amen

Survive with the spirit and essence of the holy ones  
that fought so many battles for us, holding true to the divine
…for guidance and survival

Hold the light for them
for you…for us.
Breathe in the magic Goddess, it is time.

Being told over and over again that there is freedom in letting go leaves me feeling inept again in life.  
There is a space of void now that sends out a vibration to remind me of all I am not. All that I never was and how most of my love was spent on someone else’s lie.

The shadows still tease me, wanting me too take that leap of death.  But I’m to numb to move.  What do you do when your body is alive and your soul’s essence has been seared?  I can’t go to the Dr.,  I’ve prayed so hard I have a spiritual hernia.  Nothing takes away the ache.  Not one prayer has taken away that moment.
.
Why am I invested in a lie?  It never was real so I’ve been told.  Yet those words hold no value to me.  It’s this feeling, deep inside my heart that remembers your soul’s imprint with mine.  I have to choice to live this life now by just standing still.

No one wins.

Spending most of my life seeking the approval
of others has left me empty...void of, on to many
occasions.
Head in the sand and spiritual *** in the sky left me *****....force fed an illusion of friendship, companionship.
Delicate and broken is now my newly accepted stance in this world.
Maybe I was to raw in a well done society.
Knowing love and hate. Pain and joy. Being the Judge and the ******, . Dark and light.
Just to real for those tripping on their many faces feeding an inner frenzy. And me? I’m laying there like a lizard in the sun.
What you see is what you get...and I’m good with that..
I love me as is...

I'm not the same person I was yesterday let alone, a year ago. That seems to be a lifetime away considering all I've learned, all the lessons that have come my way.

This time has allowed me to go inward, to also be an observer of myself and others. Spiritual stealth mode. What I've come to know and realize within myself is that the judgement of others means nothing to me. I have been their lesson as much as they have been mine. We walk equal on this earth. My soul vibrates and transmits at its own frequency. I am not less than to anyone.  

In my quiet time I have seen the ones that I see as strong and impenetrable become real...vulnerable, fearful, and greedy. All places we have all been. Believe it or not.

So my point is. I love myself and my spirit. I love who I've been scars, wounds and bliss.. I am in this moment right where I am meant to be. As are you. Embrace it, love it, love you. In this moment I choose belief in myself over vulnerability, I am fearless instead of fearful, and I'm taken care of at all times and have no need for greed.

Journey with me. Let's love ourselves together one step at a time, hand in hand...looking forward.