I'm writing my name in the rain streaking down the window, opening my mind just to feel the wind blow, scattering amongst the sea as a lost albatross, signing this obituary as sincerely your final loss, I heard a rolling stone gathers no moss, so I trip so much I can't even remember the last time I was sober, I think it was late two thousand seven on the last day of October, right before we found out your life was over, but that was so many years ago, so many tears ago, pyramids lost along the last show, belonging only to a mind they will never know, watching the storm grow, they said only a madman would venture into it though, trees topple in the fierce howling wind, a tear no seamstress could ever mend, but yet here we are again, don't you know even from the beginning I knew you had to be more than a friend, I never imagined you were just the beginning to another end, wondering quietly as it begins, these words are nothing more than a simple outlet, a mind I still haven't figured out yet, conquered would be an out stretch, little to no belief, searching for any type of relief, purity is all I really seek, trying to turn over a new leaf, but its just out of reach, blind to those who speak, well beyond the days of simply being unique, now something more like a tripped freak, here take a peak, tell me what you see, surely this isn't me, if not than what could it be, a being desperately trying to remain free, but at the same time carefully planning life number three, lets stop for a minute in time, can I share something on my mind, examine this thought and tell me what you find, how is it that I find myself on my third, most only get one and thats the last thats heard, a final farewell and not another word, divine intervention is something that never occurred, or am I just not seeing this right, maybe I was just blinded by deaths light, they said I shouldn't have won that fight, that I shouldn't have survived that flight, but they dont know that my mind didn't make it out that night, a couple scars in black ink, six years gone in a blink, a madman the way I live on the brink, I trip to keep the pain at bay, I write what I can't say, dex third eye blind because its the only way, after you left I just couldn't find a reason to stay, started down a dark path right after your service ended, a heart that is beyond being mended, that's just another thing I shouldn't have attended, all this pain was never intended, thinking back on all the times I pretended, all the monsters I've befriended, gave my soul just so my life would be extended, and you have the nerve to call me demented, waiting watching to see if i was offended, do you think this is the first time I've been labeled as such, an intergalactic mind so out of touch, six more as I wonder what is to much, went from a childish phase to using it as a crutch, so these days it seems like a must, and please just know that I say that with so much disgust, I hate that this drug is the only ******* thing I can trust, a cause labeled so unjust, potentially fatal flights until I'm ashes and dust, after I'm gone these words are all that will remain, I wonder what they will remember when they hear my name, will they smile and rejoice or shake their heads in shame, I just hope that you never know the feeling of this pain, that you never have to venture into the rain,i pray you are never just another soul slain, these words are starting to blur so for now I must go, but first there is something I would like you to know, I have so much love for you even though it may not always show, you changed my life in more ways than you will ever know, but it looks as though the tide is beginning to rise, I guess I've never been good at goodbyes, so please let not a perfect vision escape your eyes, don't ruin the ending let it come as a surprise...

One in the morning and my mind just won't stop, replaying the memories from my climb to the top, as i reached the peak i closed my eyes and let my mind drop, watched as it took flight into the open air, now when they look into my eyes they can't seem to find any traces of my soul there, dealt a hand that I've never considered fair, dex and insanity labeled the perfect pair, i look at my life and i am filled with a feeling of utter disgust, looking at all these people not knowing who i can trust, only with hushed whispers is this beast discussed, and you wonder why i say this **** is a must, i could probably live without using it as a crutch, but over the last seven years i have buried so much, an intergalactic being walking around so out of touch, I'm absolutely obsolete, I'm completely incomplete, in a downward spiral with the heavens at my feet, praying that when i go that we will finally be able to meet, but i see hells winds beginning to blow as i slowly feel the heat, met death at the door and asked him to take a seat, please listen closely because this is something i can never repeat, something always brings me back to this cold dark place, wishing i could be just another passing face, someone that will be easy to replace, God i hope that is the case, only because they have all been through so much already, chain smoking trying to keep my hands steady, after you departed my heart felt so ******* heavy, so of course when death came the first time i was waiting and ready, he caught me off guard the second time, they screamed as i flattened a second line, i wish i could explain this mind of mine, but i really don't have the time, wouldn't even understand if you knew the places I've seen, lost my mind at just sixteen, can't justify the things I've done, the last seven years spent denying I was on the run, and don't you know that since we met you have been the only one, each night praying that she doesn't have to bury another son, but I'm looking at another eight, on a daily basis defying fate, thoughts of that trip life gave that stone a second date, if death is inevitable then why wait, six grams have me wondering if you are waiting at heavens gate, abusing life not knowing when I will go, even in the darkest of nights my mind will glow, that doesn't mean I haven't been to the bottom though, because I've been lower than low, I've had that bottle to my temple wanting nothing more than to let it blow, this addiction is worse than they will ever know, just praying that my eyes don't let it show, the trip comes so fast and the pain leaves so slow, abusing life because I may never know tomorrow..

She had music in her soul
A heart made of gold
Her future, a fairytale waiting to be told

He had a heart that was oh so cold
A soul that seemed centuries old
His past, a tragic tale never to be retold

Her eyes were ever so bright
They resembled the stars at night
A life where everything seemed so right

For years he followed her guiding light
From the lowest low to the highest height
But you know what they say about the deception of sight

Now he is covered in invisible scars
Nothing more than reminders of his journey through the stars.

Her eyes,
A turbulent sea.
Her hands,
A saving grace.
Her heart,
Anything but unbreakable.
Her love,
My only true desire.

I did it to freeze the flame, did it to ease the pain, i did it till I went insane, all just to forget a name.

Watch as the stars fall from the nights sky, listen as the moon begins to cry, believe as the world continues to lie, they say true love can never really die, that if its meant to be you dont even have to try, now the sun is up there all alone, lonely in the sky they all once called home, the feelings that have grown, the ones that aren't shown, hear him groan, as his soul begins to moan, I am climbing a ladder that is forever higher, now my arms begin to tire, falling towards the pyre, born a lie died a liar, heat from hells fire, perfection is something no man should admire, because after all its the real feelings that we fake, the connections that we make, the hearts that break, everything we learn after the last mistake, the things that our hearts can take, and endless supply of joy, a girl that fell for a boy, if this isn't it then love must have a decoy, watch as I spin the earth only to destroy, whats more is the fact that its silent as I do so, not a single soul let go, but I had good intentions though, the thoughts come slow, but the knowledge so fast, swore on my last, three letters after I have passed, staring at my past, wondering how long this trip will last, watched as it crashed, couldn't believe my eyes, syrup to silence the cries, lies to cover more lies, a mind that pries, a soul that never dies, so just look at this world through my eyes, tell me you could handle that, that you could come back from flat, you would gladly welcome the black, as long as you didn't have to ever go back, believe me I've been there this whole time, just me and this mind of mine.

The days are dark and the nights so **** long, where the hell did I go wrong, this temptation is so far beyond strong, but that life will be the death of me, gave it so much but I swore it wouldn't take the rest of me, wouldn't you know I gave you what was left of me, you were my heart the breath of me, but I guess that just wasn't meant to be, I guess you'll look back and realize what you meant to me, all these thoughts are breaking me down mentally, it was a cold November night the first time I met death, after that I started abusing each and every breath, I only did it because I didn't know how much time I had left, and when it comes to heartache I just can't cope like most do, doing things I know I'm not supposed to, I just can't explain how it feels losing someone you're close to, looking in the mirror I can't believe what I see, surely this isn't me, it just can't be, what happened to the bright blue eyes that I used to see, now they are dull grey and empty, a tortured soul yearning to be free,

Don't know how I made it this long in this condition, seven years from one decision, I know you don't like to listen, it looks so easy but it isn't, there's so much hidden, so much you'll never know, they've been through enough so there's so much I'll never let show, I'm afraid I can't keep it hidden though, the years have taken there toll, the tears continue to roll, another late night stroll, I'm sorry for all the time I stole, I honestly thought you were the one, you made me turn around when I was about to run, you took my hand even though you knew everything I had done, but you were as heartless as they come, made me contemplate making her burry another son, faced everything I had ever hidden from, one day I'll forget that part of my life, but not tonight..

At a young age I fell in love with the stars, I dreamt of making a home amongst them, but deep down I knew that they would always be just out of reach.
Then the day came that our paths crossed, the first time I looked into your eyes I saw them, the very things I had spent my life wishing for, I saw hope, a future, so much endless possibility, I saw the stars.
But that view wouldn't last long, I never listened when they told me of your wicked ways, how you would use me and leave me lying broken on the ground after you had what you wanted.
Never would I have imagined things ending up the way they are now, I was so certain I knew how it all ended, I was just so sure I was right.
I put everything I had into loving you, but that was never enough for you was it, I lost myself in those stars, I lost myself in you..

It used to be the demons under my bed
Now they're the demons in my head
Constantly demanding to be fed
Eating at my sanity till it's gone
Every last shred..

Writing with an aching thumb, my hand is beginning to go numb, head pounding like a drum, but my thoughts continue to run, writing through the night until I see the morning sun, frost covered limbs, but it's melting as the sunrise begins, everything seems so clear when the darkness ends, childish sneers turn to devilish grins, the start of just another day with these demons that I call friends..

The piano sits in a dark corner crying, the violin screams as he lay dying, it appears as though his heart is no longer trying, what happened to the hope it was supplying, left somewhere on a distant moon drying, who can be blamed for such an act, foolishly thinking the love was an undeniable fact, never once realizing the feelings she lacked, following the pain it is so easily tracked, the source of it all rests in one place, and you thought your heart would be safe, thoughts of changing my life came just a little too late..

Sometimes i wonder who you would have been, would you have led the world out of darkness or lived a life of sin, your death was paid for before your life even had a chance to begin, not a day goes by where you don't cross my mind, searching for sanity knowing that its something i will never find, don't you know i left so much of myself behind, not a second thought as i continued to climb, closed my eyes as i crossed that line, slowly tearing myself apart over time, you would lose it all with a single glance at this mind of mine, sanity is something i haven't known for almost ten years, looking around at the addicts and madmen that are my peers, bloodshot eyes leaking tears, believe me i understand why this addiction has become one of their biggest fears, at sixteen i started living life according to those Tripp laws, devoted my life to that beast without pause, praying i didn't meet its claws, young and reckless living with no real cause, how can i look to the future when i can't even see past my own flaws, **** i remember when this trip **** was just a weekend habit, but at the first sign of trouble i just had to have it, watched my sanity slowly slip away but these helpless arms just couldn't grab it, i used to pray for death every single night, figured it would be easier than that approaching fight, leading a life of sin death only seemed right, went right back to the darkness after i saw that light, lost all hope of changing my life, caught my reflection just the other night, **** that was such a sad sight, looking into dull gray eyes wondering when they stopped being so **** bright, why is death such a familiar sight, why aren't you here by my side tonight..

Thoughts of those last thirty six, death and reality a perfect mix, labeled dex the perfect fix, life and death what would you pick, so many grams it was sick, three after the first eight did the trick, walking under a forgotten moon, looked to the sky and whispered I'll see you soon, strangers and loved ones filled the room, nine followed by a mental boom, when it rains it pours and this a mental monsoon, whats death to the dead, thoughts of leaping over the edge swimming through my head, open my eyes and I'm laying in bed, roll over and let the trip begin, a past filled with so much sin, but I say I'm more than the person I was back then, oh but then again, I guess I will find out when I reach my end, sadly I think death is my only real friend, at least he doesn't have to pretend..

Sinking deeper into oblivion with each passing day, I never imagined life turning out this way, felt my heart growing cold as i watched you walk away, told me you didn't want to hear anything I had to say, so many happy memories on replay, but the smiles were out numbered by the tears, the hopes replaced by fears, speaking on the love but slurred speech is all she hears, slowly losing myself as a downward spiral nears, who the **** do you turn to when you've been cast out by your peers, when I said I found my future I meant you, but I guess we ended up how we were meant to, but what the **** do you do when everything you love turns against you, how do I find the strength to make it through, honestly I know I can survive without you in my life, but I fear in order to do so each dark day must end with a tripped night, knowing all to well that each trip has the potential of becoming a one way flight, in my darkest hours you were my only source of light, our future gave me the strength to survive the fight, I was ******* crushed when I discovered the love wasn't real, contemplated tripping just so I wouldn't have to feel, wondering if this heart of mine will ever heal, death approaches and offers to make a deal, I close my eyes as he begins to speak,

"please understand that without me your future looks so bleak",

he places a hand on my shoulder and makes my heart leap,

"it seems that the constant abuse and neglect has made you quite unique",

"you are far stronger than you can imagine even though you feel so weak",

I tell him I'm a lost cause as I push his hand from my shoulder,

"I have seen the actions of an addict grow bolder",

"even now I can feel your touch becoming colder",

I'm nothing more than a twenty year old addict with a mind slightly older,

with that he turns and tells me I must go, what was your deal that much I must know,

"it appears that that never really mattered"

a mental boom as the silence was shattered, I look to my left then look to my right, but not a single soul is in sight, then I see a distant flickering light, looking down I see a one way ticket for a fatal flight, is this temptation something I can continue to fight, or is my story nearing its end, I wonder if my heart is to torn to mend, and honestly I know I can't bury another friend, that's why I swore I would never let another person in, the pain can't be felt if it's never given the chance to begin, I rarely speak so just look at these scars if you want to know where I've been, or just read these tragic tales of desperation spilling from this pen, I'm afraid my heart can't survive doing this again, we could have created a life so perfect, a beautiful obituary depending on how it's worded, this monsters demands were so loud but I guess I'm the only one who heard it, I destroyed my heart only so you wouldn't have another chance to hurt it, there's nothing left of the life we built, you destroyed it all and I accepted the guilt, counting petals as dead flowers wilt, vivid pictures of a deranged mind form as this ink is spilt, thoughts of becoming just another faded face, only because I just don't feel like I'm meant for this place, so maybe one day we can meet somewhere without time and space, I just wanted to say to say goodbye just in case..

Wondering about my path in life, wandering through the thick fog of night, approaching a being that is blinding bright, reaching out I can almost feel the light, then it is all snatched away in an instant, now they wonder why my kind stay so distant..

It was a cold february night when our paths first crossed, ever so evident are those scars left by the lives lost, the last seven years spent avoiding those thoughts at any cost, lungs void of air, so much pain I will never share, trip without a single care, look to my side and you will surely see death there, living this kind of life he knows to stay near, life isn't worth living if you know fear, so I shed those thoughts as I reach for the peak, so many grams I refuse to speak, looking over the edge with my only thought being leap, a demented vision of the future has me deprived of sleep, looked upon as a monster because death and insanity is the only company I keep, take a second look and you will see that my flaws run so deep, addicted beyond all belief, trip to avoid the grief, broken promises and shattered dreams litter the path of my past, mental and physical scars from the last, only a few grains of sand left in my lifes hourglass, just waiting on those to pass, you were not my first love but you are surely my last, never knew time could seem so fast, your life will eventually shatter when its made of glass, sadly I know that firsthand, sixteen when I made my first stand, life should have been my only demand, but honestly death is all that was planned, Falling through life not knowing where I will land, this monster watched in pleasure as we said our last goodbyes, tears smudge the ink as my pen cries, nothing more than a hollow being as my soul flies, six for the rise, life is bigger than me and thats words from the wise, only darkness will remain once we sever these ties, its beginning to feel like this is something I can't ignore, so when you see me avoiding eye contact dont ask me what I'm doing it for, no one knows what life has in store, a feeling of emptiness like a lion losing its ability to roar, a caged raven whose only thought is to soar, most of my heart lost during the war, so thats what these grams are for, a ******* monster but good intentions lie at the at the core, but sadly I dont think I can take much more, so please dont cry when I walk through that door, this just means you will no longer know the pain I cause, quietly I whisper I love you then take a brief pause, knowing this addiction has always been one of my biggest flaws, I can hear this beast I've created as it sharpens its claws, one last smile as it begins to devour my soul, I know the last few years have taken their tole, you deserve happiness and I'm sorry I couldn't fill that role, when you said goodbye it left an undeniable hole, so I just tripped and tried to play it cool, I just didn't want you to know death was my only goal, a life without you isn't a life at all, so when I'm gone just add my name to that wall, then watch it crumble and fall, I wanted to tell you this myself but you ignored my call, just know I dont blame you at all, keep your head up smile and stand tall, wipe the tears from your face, maybe one day we can meet somewhere without time and space, but I wanted to say goodbye just in case..

Celestial eyes containing galaxies unseen

Love bliss and everything in between

Stitching a heart together seam by seam

Dull gray eyes reclaiming their gleam

One lost so long ago

But one day soon it will once again show

One day soon they will once again glow

Surely she must see she is the cause

This she must know..

A hand falling just under the side of fair, looking down seeing only a book of matches there, eyes wide shut as it crashes unaware, white knuckles gripping a pen as this ink flashes with flare, no second thought as life clashes with despair, shedding this earthly body leaving my soul bare, in the final moments of our life together I realized what it all meant, nothing left after all that time spent, the tears the suffering begging you to repent, I guess I always knew I was someone you would grow to resent, now I'm just ashes in the breeze, never knowing how it was ended with such ease, I hear them screaming their pleas, but I can't turn back now it's to late, I've never been one to believe in God or fate, never believed our life was predetermined on an earlier date, but maybe we are never really in control, maybe we are all born into a role, now I'm asking myself what that means for my soul, is there more to me than I am capable of seeing, tears fall as the masses begin fleeing, just another lost cause not worth freeing, just know that I loved you with every fiber of my being..

Long before I met you I felt a longing in my heart, I mistakenly called our first meeting the start, the start of something I didn't quite understand, I will never forget the time we shared or the places you touched, but one day I will forget your face, one day I will hear your name and draw a blank.. One day

I've written of the things I've done, about all that time I spent on the run, the fears I have hidden from, and the pain of losing some, but thats only the bad part, you've never heard the story of how love invaded my heart, or how excited I was to play the father figure part, I've explained that tripping was labeled my demise from the start, but have I told you how amazing it once was, back when it was pure self exploration and not just for the buzz, about the nights when I looked down on the world from outer space, with a giant grin on my face, feeling like I had finally found my place, I know the rain comes after the sun, the second comes after the one, a ******* animal after the **** I've done, but a tiny light will always be brighter than any night, and if its true love then its worth the fight, a meaningful smile means it must feel right, always remember that you can pass during any night, so live every second in flight, journey through the stars, live beyond the scars, take that trip to mars, if it makes you truly happy you need no justification, death is forever life is just a vacation..

I awoke in a jungle no man should roam, years spent trying to find my way home, looking to my side my heart sunk as I realized I was alone, what happened to never leaving me on my own, another trip as I ignore a ringing phone, only because I know what's waiting on the other end, a bright future turned
to could have been, loves decoy turned out to be nothing more than a friend, tattered remnants of a torn heart no seamstress could ever mend, another scar as another trip is about to begin, I only walked away because I knew you wouldn't condone all this sin, and I hate lying when you ask where I've been, so instead I close my eyes and tighten my grip on this pen, and let loose the monsters within..

How could I forget them cold winter nights, those long bitter fights, those potentially fatal flights, lifeless body beneath florescent lights, preacher reading my last rights, **** now isn't that a sad sight, now tell me everything will be alright, I have to go when death comes so **** what you tell me about life, so many times you told me to take my heart and hold it tight, to never put it in the fight, I never meant for them to see what I was doing to myself, living for the end and nothing else, after he left I stayed on that pharmacy shelf, slowly watching my mind melt, stay gone so the pain can't be felt, six for the trip there, three more to get me in the air, nothing can compare, the heart I can't share, the pain I can't bare, dilated pupils and a cold distant stare, addiction and death labeled the perfect pair, tears streaming lungs void of air, and I'm not even at the peak, arms out as I reach, completely disregarded that speech, standing at that podium had my heart weak, tears began to fall before I could even speak, if I told you about my struggle would you even listen, fake smile because I know they pay attention, mind in a dire condition, why do you think my future is something I rarely mention, because honestly I dont even know if I'll make it there, saw the badlands so I had to take it there, just make sure they have my funeral and wake there, I cried til it hurt, begging with my knees in the dirt, asking what the **** is my life worth, why did she decide against birth, why couldn't I control this curse, questions that have me deprived of sleep, on the edge thinking just leap, made promises I knew I couldn't keep, never could comprehend what they said, to many fatal memories swimming in my head, looked down on for the life being led, this beast begging to be fed, six years marked in red, the key to insanity inked over my heart, destroyed before you could even start, sadly that tore my ******* life apart, couldn't cope with the pain, soul exposed in the rain,, never even had a name, my life labeled a ******* shame, partly because I treat everything like a game, tripp til my body is forever lain, losing your sanity leaves nothing to gain, addiction is a beast no mortal can tame, reckless as **** as I speed down memory lane, fleeting prayers whispered in vain, I could stop but why, let my soul leak as I let this pen cry, six to let this mind fly, nothing short of bliss, if you care about life you wouldn't live like this, I have heard that ever since we were kids, **** we were just kids, so my vision of a family was artificial and fake, I knew a life was something I wasn't ready to create, but it **** well wasn't something we had the right to take, that wasn't our decision to make, tripped just to avoid the heartache, so **** quiet I could hear that heart break, handed my life over to this addiction just a short time later, another six months gone then I lost my saviour, young reckless behavior, just a nudge right now would push me over the end, when i was just 17 i lost a very close friend, and ever since then life just hasnt been the same,  thats the biggest reason i had to make a change, i just couldnt cope with the pain, even on the brightest days it can still rain,

Have you ever walked hand in hand with death, watched your life flash by as you took your last breath, knowing that the darkness is all that is left, can you imagine losing faith in humanity, trip as I slowly slip further into insanity, mind laying on the vanity, shouldn't be able to know what that feeling is, but I've been gone since we were kids, i see them judging my life like they did his, it's a sad thought believe me, these days all they see is him when they see me, six to the mind just to be me, mind screaming please free me, heart screamed out please dont leave me, but that was so long ago now wasn't it, back before I fell in love with this ****, before my mind took that trip, pay attention or life will leave you behind, but thats something the insane dont mind, I speak for my kind, got to hell and just pressed rewind, do it all again if I had the time, stop looking for something that you won't find, words from the wise taught me tomorrow might not come, so i never stop at just one, six for the run, looking back wondering if there was something I could have done, thats a pointless life to some, but coherent thoughts are rare where I come from, permanent ink for the ones who didn't survive the fight, I couldn't understand what was going through his mind that night, so it was six straight to the mind as I boarded that flight, running out of time as I began wondering through the light,

Memories of late night rendezvous at the park, now we're no more than strangers in the dark, when you look back at your life will I have left a mark, because you were the only thing holding my life together when I wanted nothing more than to tear it apart, if you've seen your end where do you even start, will I just be another faded memory gone with the breeze, can you tell me how the ******* replaced me with such ease, screaming to an empty sky death take me away please, I wonder if you know that you will always have my heart, don't you see it  was yours from the very start, looking to my side I can't believe what I'm seeing, tears fell as I watched you fleeing, you looked me in the eyes as you lied and destroyed every fiber of my very being, honestly I know I can survive without you in my life, but to do so each dark day must end with a tripped night, knowing all to well that each trip has the potential of becoming a one way flight, in my darkest hours you were my only source of light, thoughts of you and the life we planned were the only reasons I had the strength to fight, with a pen in hand the future was ours to write, but that was before I discovered all the lies hidden just out of sight, to be honest I almost decided to join him the very next day, I'm an addict that's prone to self loathing and heartache what more can I say, I know i have only myself to blame for my life going this way, I knew the chances I was taking all to well when I began this journey, but I never even imagined you being the one to burn me,

I remember when we first met, you were so pure and i was full of regret, even from that first night my heart was yours you just didn't know it yet, i fell in love on the spot i just couldn't show it yet, a connection that formed so fast, completely erased the pain from the last, you accepted who i was even despite my past, burned so many bridges without a second thought, each day thinking how lucky i am for what I've got, each second together spent wishing more could be bought, but then you were caught, they watched as we fought, they said you could do better than someone stuck in the same spot, i gave you everything from my soul to my heart, handed it over thinking we would never be apart, little did i know you had been lying from the start, i don't even know who you are anymore, but then again i guess i didn't even know the real you before, you let me build our life on lies knowing exactly what was in store, now I'm back to wondering what the **** love is for, this has changed me as a person and that's something i just can't ignore, feeling the pain radiating from my core, stuck between turning my back or walking back in the door, bloodshot eyes spilling tears on the floor, no matter what you will be my last, even if our time has passed, starting to feel like i did right before i crashed, this will surely bring tears that i know, what the **** would you expect though, i waited eagerly as i watched you grow, knowing it was worth it because one day our love could show, dull grey eyes that no longer glow, so many lies that i don't even know what to believe, don't you know it would ******* **** me if i decided to leave, a life without you is something i could never conceive, i gave you my ******* soul Macie and this is what i get in return, you would think after the life I've had that i would learn, I've been in your shoes so i guess this time it was my turn, don't ******* act like it is now because before this my life was never your concern, just remember that you get what you earn, and to feel the flame you must first burn...

Bears lions tigers, thieves swindlers liars, your soul burns to feed hells fires, but thats not widely known, sorta like the feelings not being shown, a trip to the other side on my own, told me if I respected life I would leave it alone, but this addiction has grown, can't even hear my soul moan, a king being overthrown, what it feels like anyway, waiting on death any day, I'm a lost cause is what so many say, just a nod and okay, followed by whats the next play, and did you know the last called just the other day, told me I could be saved if I would just pray, hung up and threw that book away, I guess I should stop because this isn't making sense anymore, passed out with my soul covering the floor, woke up to death at the door, asked if I knew what was in store, I'm sorry if this is a story you've heard before, I truly do not mean to bore, the vast emptiness in my eyes is something they just can't ignore, I remember when this trip **** was nothing more than a key to unlock the doors in my mind, came stumbling back but sadly I left myself behind, maybe its something I will one day find, but til then its one tripped night after another, for my past sins my future self will surely suffer, started searching for death right after we buried my brother, I know one day my memory will be gone like yesterday, tomorrow isn't promised is what I've heard many say, but I just keep abusing life anyway, waiting on death any day, the root of this madness is quite simple if you would just look, just another page in yet another book, under the weight of the world you never shook, on that cold november night my idol isn't the only one death took, because I was right by his side, told him I was always along for the ride, even after me they still won't decide, the nights I cried, all the times I lied, and after all this time I still haven't tried, but we both know thats not a truthful line, but I swore I would never surrender mine, but I was at such a dark place at the time,

December 11, 2012

Maybe her smiling is really you telling me you forgive me. Maybe one day we can meet face to face in a place without time and space. I love you, whoever you would have been.

Sometimes I wonder if I just didn't deserve that blessing, found myself on the line to insanity just pressing, all these worthless things I'm stressing, I guess this is my way of confessing, I wanted that soul more than I wanted to live, but when the time came I had nothing to give, I know that there will never be an excuse for what I did, ****, I was just a kid, so my vision of happiness was artificial and fake, I knew a life is something I wasn't ready to create, but it **** sure wasn't something we had the right to take, after that my life felt like one big mistake, I still don't know how I made it through those nights, so many fatal flights, gram after gram before each of the fights, I want to tell you something that no one else will ever know, remember that cold February night that seemed to move so slow, that's the night I chose to let go, I couldn't handle always feeling so low, so gram by gram I prepared myself for the worse, woke up the next morning cursing this curse, why the **** did I survive, they said divine intervention was the only reason I was alive, so now the darkness is the only place my mind can thrive, a year later I found myself back in the same place, doubled the dose just in case, I turned the music up and looked myself in the face, I wrote you a letter and put it in a safe place, I found it just the other day, looking back I don't know how I survived living that way, I remember crying not knowing what to say, I started falling apart as you walked away, six months later in a cold dark room strapped to a bed, you would go insane if you knew what was going through my head, thoughts of being better off dead, that's why I got those marks in red, one for each year I made it, knowing before to long I will just be another memory that has faded, to my kind normality has always been hated, doing whatever it takes to evade it, tears streak down my face as I think about all the birthdays that will never be celebrated, looking at my life I just ******* hate it, the potential wasted is something I am constantly reminded of, looking her in the eyes wishing I could somehow show some kind of love, she deserves better than I can ever be, wondering if I'll ever know free, so many unknown doors and I found the key, used to use just so I could see, seven years later and it is still consuming me, but I'll never let them know how bad this **** has become, why do you think I've spent the last six years on the run, I wish I could go back to when I would just trip for fun, now each night I wonder if I will make it to the morning sun, or will death finally punish me for everything I've done, only time will tell that tale, so until then I'm gonna trip without fail, till my body is cold and frail, slowly building my casket each trip is just another nail, these days my eyes seem so hollow and pale,

I'm writing my name in the rain streaking down the window, opening my mind just to feel the wind blow, scattering amongst the sea as a lost albatross, signing this obituary as sincerely your final loss, I heard a rolling stone gathers no moss, so I trip so much I can't even remember the last time I was sober, I think it was late oh seven on the last day of october, right before we found out your life was over, but that was so many years ago, so many tears ago, pyramids lost along the last show, belonging to only a mind they will never know, watch the storm grow, they said only a madman would venture into it though, trees topple in the fierce howling wind, a tear no seamstress could ever mend, but yet here we are again, don't you know even from the beginning I knew you had to be more than a friend, I never imagined you were just the beginning to another end, wondering quietly as it begins, words nothing more than a simple outlet, a mind I still haven't figured out yet, conquered would be an out stretch, little to no belief, searching for any type of relief, purity is all I really seek, trying to turn over a new leaf, but its just out of reach, blind to those who speak, well beyond the days of simply being unique, now something more like a tripped freak, here take a peak, tell me what you see, surely this isn't me, if not than what could it be, a being desperately trying to remain free, but at the same time carefully planning life number three, lets stop for a minute in time, can I share something on my mind, examine this thought and tell me what you find, how is it that I find myself on my third, most only get one and thats the last thats heard, a final farewell and not another word, divine intervention is something that never occurred, or am I just not seeing this right, maybe I was just blinded by deaths light, they said I shouldn't have won that fight, that I shouldn't have survived that flight, but they dont know that my mind didn't make it out that night, a couple scars in black ink, six years gone in a blink, a madman the way I live on the brink, I trip to keep the pain at bay, I write what I can't say, dex third eye blind because its the only way, after you left I just couldn't find a reason to stay, started down a dark path right after your service ended, a heart that is beyond being mended, thats just another thing I shouldn't have attended, all this pain was never intended, thinking back on all the times I pretended, all the monsters I've befriended, gave my soul just so my life would be extended, and you have the nerve to call me demented, waiting watching to see if i was offended, do you think this is the first time I've been labeled as such, an intergalactic mind so out of touch, six more as I wonder what is to much, went from a childish phase to using it as a crutch, so these days it seems like a must, and please just know that I say that with so much disgust, I hate that this drug is the only ******* thing I can trust, a cause labeled so unjust, fatal flights until I'm ashes and dust, after I'm gone these words are all that will remain, I wonder what they will remember when they hear my name, will they smile and rejoice or shake their heads in shame, I just hope that you never know the feeling of this pain, that you never have to venture into the rain,i pray you are never just another soul slain, these words are starting to blur so for now I must go, but first there is something I would like you to know, I have so much love for you even though it may not always show, you changed my life in more ways than you will ever know, it looks as though the tide is beginning to rise, I guess I've never been good at goodbyes, so please let not a perfect vision escape your eyes, don't ruin the ending let it come as a surprise..

I awoke in a jungle no man should roam, years spent trying to find my way home, looking to my side my heart sunk as I realized I was alone, what happened to never leaving me on my own, another trip as I ignore a ringing phone, only because I know what's waiting on the other end, a bright future to could have been, loves decoy turned out to be nothing more than a friend, tattered remnants of a torn heart no seamstress could ever mend, another scar as another trip is about to begin, I only walked away because I knew you wouldn't condone all this sin, and I hate lying when you ask where I've been, so instead I close my eyes and tighten my grip on this pen, and let loose the monsters within..