It sneaks up on
It makes you miserable
It pushes away your friends
It pushes away your family
It will drive you crazy
It make you think your not worth anything
You can fight it but it always wins
You can run from it but it will always catch you
You don't even want to get out of bed
You don't want to eat
You don't want to carry on
Medication just numbs it
You will feel like a zombie
It can make you cry
It can make you angry
It can make the best of us doubt
It can break you
It haunt you
Its a child
Its a mother
Its a grandfather
Its your brother
Its your sister
Its your best friend
Its you but most of all
Its me
Its the person in the checkout lane who looks like their world has ended
Its the man that has the tears in his eye
Its the teenage girl who holds her head down
Its grandmother who was at one time a joy to be around
and this disease will eat you
It will bring you to your knees
It can take your life
It is called Depression

Usurping feelings of disappointment hit me like a sea of daggers. These thoughts uncontrollable. My doubts hold me back and I am scared. Your thoughts of her. They hurt. They cut me like a knife. Am I not enough to keep her out of your head. These doubts make me feel like I am not good enough. Will I ever be? I cry on the inside every night because I love you so. But my fears weigh on my shoulders like heavy mountains. Will she always be a third wheel in your head. Will she consume your love again. Please don't push me out like you did once before. For if I lose you I lose my world. Please don't let me drown in these sea of doubts. For they will **** everything that you made good. Please leave her in the past and move forward with me. Let me feel that you love me and pull me out of this fog of doubts. Make them all vanish. Ease my aching heart.......

I'm drowning and I can't find the surface
The more I fight to breathe the harder it is to do so
The more I struggle the closer I come to death
I try and I try to reach the surface to see the blue sky but the more I fight the further I sink
My life is being pulled from me
My soul ripped away
The more I snort the further I go
The more I shoot up the closer I am to death
The more I use the more I need
**** coke and pills are my life
I pushed the ones who loved me away
I don't see the pain I'm causing them
I look in her eyes and I don't see her pain
She knows I need help but I keep using
She sees my addiction but I cannot
She loves me but is letting me go
What is my excuse
Why do I continue to **** myself
So many whys
So many questions
What would I see
If I could see myself in someone else's eyes
Would I like the person staring back at me
Would I see a strung out addict
Would I see a lost soul
So I'll snort one more perk
I'll smoke some more **** and
I'll shoot up some more *******
Because now they control my life



(this poem is about I guy I used to date we remained friends and his addiction was the inspiration behind this poem. Drugs and other substance abuse can really take a lot away.)

I feel as though I'm losing my head
I cant breathe I can barely feel
I'm lost in a fog and I cant find my way home
I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore
I don't know who I am
A part of me is gone and I cant get it back
One part of me forgives you
The other part wants you to suffer
I deserve better and I'm worth more than you think
I have no regrets nor If given the chance I wouldn't take it back
Although I'm hurting I will get over this and become stronger
Then you will see exactly what you missed and You will think back
and speak these words "Look at what I let slip away."

(Most of my poems were posted on my blogspot account which I no longer use)

You black my eyes
You break my bones
You burn me with your cigarettes
You kick when I'm down
You throw me into walls
You beat up my mom
You call me names
You tell I'm worthless and you wish I was never born
You choke me
You slap me
You feed me feces
You make me beg for my food
I'm just a baby
What did I do wrong
Why do you hate me
I'm a defenseless child
Do you feel more like a man
When you bruise my fragile body
Do you feel like a man
When you're shaking me
Does it make you feel better about yourself
When you see me broken
I'm a gift from above
But yet you treat me like I'm a mistake
Does it feel like I'm speaking to you from beyond
My premature grave
Maybe I am
Maybe I haunt your dreams
Maybe I'm the voice inside your head
Maybe I'm that guilt that eats you everyday
But don't worry you will get what you deserve

(This poem is about some of the horrific acts of abuse I read/seen on the news. It is so sad what some of these kids go through before their young lives are put to a tragic end.)

You like to call me names
So what. It's not like you got much going for you anyways
You make fun of my breast
Do women with big breast pose such a threat
You called me a Owl because my glasses are thick
Who cares, what makes you different makes you amazing
You called me a lesbian
Because I'm not the town *****
You call me a nerd
Why because you're jealous that I can actually read
You single me out
But that is okay. I'd rather be alone than with a bunch of losers
You call me ugly
My beauty must make you cringe
I'm not athlete but at least they treat me like
I'm a human being.
No I do not have a clique who needs fake friends
anyways
Yes I have insecurities they make me feel alive
Yes I have imperfections but who doesn't
The Ugly Truth is that you try to be something that you're not
When a intelligent and smart woman  just so happens to come along
You ridicule her and try to make her feel ashamed
But this is one woman who is proud to love and be herself
So go ahead try to bring her down
You're only making yourself  look like a idiot

Who Am I
That is a good question
Well I'm nothing too special
and I'm nothing too great
I'm just simple
Who Am I
I'm just a girl
I'm not a high matience Barbie
I'm not a slouchy Tom Boy
I'm just your down home Kentucky Girl
Who Am I
I'm a girlfriend
Who loves her boyfriend very much
and would give her life just so he could live another day
Who Am I
I'm a daughter
Who tries her hardest to make her momma and daddy proud
Who Am I
I'm a sister who keeps all the ***** little secrets
Who Am I
I'm a aunt that is the best in the whole wide world
Who Am I
Simply put I'm just me
Toni

I'll never forget the day I met my Macy cat.But a little kitten she was.An outcast amongst her feline siblings.Like me amongst my social peers.She was a bit scrawny and a bit odd looking too.Then and there I knew we were pals.Shy and timid like me.My Macy cat knows all about me.She probably knows more than her human counterparts.My best friend through thick and thin.My Macy cat is always there for me.All my secrets she will keep.When I'm sick she will never leave my side.She listens to me when I talk.She cheers me up when I am down.Why have a dog when I can have my Macy cat.

I was just a young girl
Carefree and high spirited
I was just a young girl
When a man took my pride
I just a young girl
Blaming myself
I was just a young girl
Who had no choice
I was just a young girl
Who seen his face every night in my dreams
I was just a young girl
Who would never forget his name
I was just a young girl
Who would never forget his face
I was just a young girl
Who would never forget his touch
I was just a young girl
Who got it all taken away
I was just a young girl
Whose mother blamed her
Just so you know
I didn't have a choice
He took all from me in just one night
I was just a young girl
Who hid it all away
I was just a young girl
Who rose from the ashes
Like a phoenix
With wings of fiery red
And a heart to move on
With the hope to trust again
Now I'm a woman
With nothing else to lose

A lonely old man sits in a lonely little park thinking about his wasted years. Thinking about the cruelty of wars and the blood shed he helped cause. Looking back at his young adult years he wonders why he hurt his wife. Thinking back upon his kids  he asks himself why he neglected them so. Now you see this man was once a hero of sorts and had stories longing to be told. Now he is a washed up has been. He wonders why he turned to alcohol to numb his haunted memories. The wife and kids he never noticed left him years ago while he never blinked an eye or tried to stop them. Alone for years he has been. But his inner demons prohibited him. Then he got the news the worst news that a man can get. This old alcoholic has cancer and days are limited. The doctors say it could be months or even weeks before his clock stops. They say the cancer has progressed and treatments can't cure it. Looking back on his sorry life he wishes he could have been a better husband and father. But most of all he wishes he doesn't have to die alone. As I'm passing by I notice him setting on that bench like a sign or a omen just waiting to be read. I go over to say hi to him and as I reach to shake his weathered hand I realize that he has passed away. The only mourners at his funeral are a few little sparrows. Some people say it was the alcohol that killed him others believe it was indeed the cancer but I believe what took his feeble life was the loneliness he had endured for years.

How I long to be free
Free to fly against the turquoise skies
Free to soar with the doves above the clouds of purest white
How I long to leave all this behind and dance on the ocean
How I long to be free and wake in the greenest of grass beside my everlasting lover
Free is what I long to be...........free..............
Free from the pain and the ever consuming thoughts
Free from the chore of living in reality
Free from the responsibly of worries
Free from the past
Free from the present
Free from the future
Just free.............

Once many months ago there was a lonely soul who needed a friend
Once many months ago you gave up the hope you would find someone who cared
Once many months ago you sought to end it all
And there she came. A girl with eyes as green as leaves on the summer trees.
A girl with the heart made of the purest gold
She was as sad as the gloomiest weather.
She too was in need, in need of a friend.
Soon the friendship was inevitable.
Late night conversations and so many secrets that were told.
She became your best friend, and you hers.
Soon she started throwing herself away and selling herself short.
And you....you were engulfed in another.
Soon your feelings were made clear, but she was stupid, thinking she didn't want a relationship.
Feeling hurt and jaded, you said things that wished you hadn't
But little did you know she missed you. She couldn't understand what she had did wrong.
Many weeks passed and fate would have it you came back into her life.
Bearing apologies, but she had already forgiven you.
And soon enough the friendship blossomed into something beautiful.



(In my blog this poem was called "The Story" but I don't think that title suits it. So here I'm going to leave it untitled)

Last night I seen you in my dreams.
Your smile vibrant and your eyes as green as emeralds.
Your voice as soft as a whisper.
You speak to me.
You tell me you love me and you can't live without me.
The day I met you was fate.
The day I fell in love with you was my destiny.
My heart is yours alone.
My soul forged with yours forever.
I'm yours always.
The winds of change are blowing fear not for they are good.
They carry my love where ever you shall go.
The raindrops that fall are my voice and they carry the message that you are not alone.
The sun shining on your shoulders is me smiling down on you and the moon in the night is my soul watching over your dreams.
For I love you now and until eternity.
Forever with you is where I shall be

The Angels open their arms and God smiled upon you that cold wintery night when you were taken from us in the blink of an eye.  We mourned your death we cried our tears. Losing you made us realize just how precious life is. I didn't know you but you knew me. You looked my way and I turned my head. Your friends knew you as Aaron but I knew you as "that one kid." Looking back I wish I had spoken just one simple sentence. Asked you "How was your day?" or politely smiled back. Ah yes if I could turn the hands of time I supposed I would have taken the time to have gotten to know you better. But alas I am too late. You were called upon to spend eternity with God whom you loved so much. As I sit here listening to the chirping of the birds I wonder if you forgave me for being so cruel. For taking your kindness for granted. For not giving you a chance. Aaron I am sorry it took your passing for me to have realized just how big my ego is and I am sorry that it took you leaving this Earth to say that I'm sorry to you. I just wish I wasn't too late.