I get the growing sense
that words are within my soul
yet I keep them hidden
a secret
even to me.
The front of my mind
seems an abyss
and the words I find stirring
much deeper within
perhaps it'll churn
and then stumble out
with no control
perhaps it'll flow like water
which ever the outlet
Im certain of this
that words
are within my soul.

Flat lined on the hospital table
Spiritual ER hardly stable
So blind, unconscious,
like some show on cable
I saw myself laying there
Dying and disabled

I heard the machines
The beeping was declining
Nurses rushing
"We’re losing her doctor
She’s not even fighting"

See, in reality I was smiling
As the world went by me
While inside denying
Too much garbage I’d been hiding

Hurts which I thought were buried
Oh the disappointments they varied
And so too much baggage I carried
while myself & lies were about to be married

unforgiveness was the altar
And bitterness the ring
Unbelief like a witness
Disobedience like a wedding theme

Because somehow my heart of flesh
Had turned to stone
Like I had turned my back on the truth I’d known
Too many wounds
My scars that showed
I had enough
Like the prodigal son, decided to hit the road

I couldn’t save myself even if I tried.
My vitals were dropping
as I held onto my pride
Vitals like hope,
And the desire to keep living
My knowledge of the cross
Felt like a guilt burden

Because I hated my own helplessness
What a failure I had felt
I surely failed God
Just like I had failed myself
I self loathed and pitied
Feeling far from help
In darkness, gave up on myself
And death was the result.

But In the spiritual emergency room,
Like they're about to call time of death
The Doctor rushes in and says
“I’m not done with her yet”

Defibulator named love
Shock waves of truth
Loosening the grips of death
Destroyed deceptions noose
A second shock of love then came
Courage filled my veins again
Like oxygen revitalising my brain
Like an anesthetic relieving the pain
One final shock
A breath of hope
Gasping deeply
my heart no longer choked.

So He excavated my heart
Right after an injection of faith
A painful process
But necessary to loose the chains
For darkness to be gone
And Light to be my robe
I was slowly recovering
As my life was being made whole.

So alive in His grace
A mercy filled report chart
I was given a new heart
Myself and my Saviour were no longer apart
Yet still came an even harder part
Rehabilation had to start.

King of all Surgeons
My counselor, so kind He said:
“You're healed, and delivered
But transformation is in
The renewing of your mind”

He said: I paid the cost for your life to be saved
Your life insurance through my own expense has been paid
No condemnation because you've newly been made
Because I heard every cry of help that you prayed

Let me explain:

I was rescued from deception
Set free through redemption
So now everyday He captures my attention
Asking me one simple faith question:

WILL YOU TRUST ME?

And every day I vow: Jesus, I do.

I looked at you
saw the pain in your eyes
and you couldnt hide the shame
how lost in a world of darkness
you were

my heart broke
into a million little pieces
my arms were just too short
you hid your soul too far

i see you.
i see your young hurting heart
how angry you are with the world
Only sixteen
But the worlds evils
leave no one free

Just dont stop fighting.

my heart literally aches
and my appetite fades

dont stop fighting for life.

dont stop believing in good.

I see you.
Even though you hide.

I see you.

I love you.

Just dont stop fighting,
for Life.

I looked at my white t-shirt today
I remembered.
I remembered your tears
like heart stains
As you lay in my arms
I remember how our embrace
Seemed to make the world ok
Like if we just layed there
and stayed in our bubble
we would be ok
and we were.
Today there are no stains anymore
no us anymore
but I remembered.

I felt a little lost entering 2013,
the same amount of lost I felt leaving 2012.
I just don’t get it, this thing called life.

I thought I was. Getting it.
But it still eludes me.
Maybe just a little disillusioned.

I seek truth.
To fight lies that always seems to threaten my mind.
But there still seems to be two voices.
There are always two voices.
And I hate that I always end up in that awkward middle ground.

Maybe this is everyone's struggle.
Thinking we're getting better,
Till something comes and knocks us down again.
Most of the time though,
I think, that something is me.
There is no one else to blame.

I feel a little disillusioned,
By the sense of purpose I felt.
I was so sure.
So sure that I was meant to do something specific,
something special with my life.
And yet the evidence of my life speaks volumes.

So there's a voice that beckons,
Telling me to push through,
Because there is indeed purpose in all the madness.
My own inner voice.
The voice of dreams and visions,
Of inner convictions and revelations.
Also the voice of those who believe in my potential.
Prophecies,
Words of encouragement.

And then there's the voice
The voice pointing, "Look at your life"
Is this the fruits of a child of God?
You're an ordinary person.
And not a good one at that.

The voice that reminds me of all the times I've tried,
And failed.
The voice that reminds me of prayers I’ve prayed,
Things I’ve hoped for,
And seen no evidence of.
Times where I chose faith,
And nothing happened.

It’s strange really.
This awkward middle ground.

How does one feel so confident,
And yet so insecure.
So wise,
And yet so stupid.
So strong,
And yet so weak.
So hopeful,
And yet so hopeless.
So sure of purpose,
And yet so unsure of the path.

Faith and unbelief do not co-exist.

So what is this?
Why is my mind always been tormented?
I know truth.
And still struggle to discern lies.
Until it’s too late.
Or almost.
The duality makes me tired.

I want no part in evil.
And yet my propensity towards sin just makes me feel bad.
And it’s as if scripture itself torments me.
See, I know God's standard is holiness.
And the plain truth is,
Often, I don’t feel good enough.
Like I just don’t make the cut.

The common Christian answer
Obvious and straightforward
Simply. Its grace.
God's grace and love that covers a multitude of sin.

I don’t think I understand then.
Because I’ve accepted this.
Truly.
And yet.
I feel like somehow if I really understood,
I shouldn’t be in this place.
Struggling.

My faith is being tested.
All the time,
It seems.
And I don’t always feel like I'm passing.

I know God's forgiveness.
But I also know He is a just God.
He doesn’t tolerate sin and disobedience.
I almost feel doomed.
I fear Him most of all.
And everyday I pray for mercy.
But I don’t want to just survive.

I realise that I have allowed the enemy's lies,
to infiltrate my mind.
And only the Word.
Jesus.
Truth.
Can conquer that.

I feel so undeserving.
I feel I have so far to go...
But I also know that I can’t fix myself.

Even though I feel like I'm not sure,
How to move forward,
as in the next step,
I’m walking blindly anyway

Hoping that He'll open my eyes to see.
Really see.

My heart is sore.
Disappointment and sadness I suppose.
But I don’t want to become bitter.
And I’m not.

the Truth,
shall set me free.

Though I saw your face,
Never could I have guessed
that in my heart today,
would be this friendship treasured - truly blessed.

High school was so different,
back then just passers by
then we found ourselves at college
occasional lifts, and the occasional "hi"

Yet somehow over time
Despite changes life does bring
We met again, a Sunday lunch
It was like I’d met my kindred being.

And ever since that day
I can only say we've grown
The person you would be to me
I never could have known.

I never dreamed of such a caring heart
Nor the happiness you'd bring
Sharing the journey with someone special
Somehow made my heart sing

You've been one in a million
Even though it sounds cliché
Its hard to find the words
to make you see what I’m trying to say

Basically my words are less
than my heart is willing to express
A joy its been, walking our mile
A friendship true - beyond worthwhile.

Mesmorised by Your beauty
Your radiance
Just one glance
Your glorious countenance
Your love weakens my very soul
I smile.
Your eyes burn with love.
Your Presence radiates
Loudly.
In splendor.
There is no denying.
You are my One, and Only.
Forever.
Forever Yours.