Today I felt sad at 5am
I wanted to tell you
The birds were beginning to shout
And the rising temperature of the sky
Matched that of my blood
As I felt myself cooking, stewing,
Gazing at the endless galaxies out there
Now invisible in this light trap.
Condensation dripped down the inside of the window,
From my nose pressed against the cold glass
But I made sure the sigh I exhaled didn't disturb the contents of this tiny box-
The door says 'do not disturb'
- And then I held my breath
Until the dust had once again settled,
A little thicker than before.
I tried to make myself dream
I thought up an expansive meadow,
Sat just at the top of a cliff
The grass greener than anything else
The sun dancing gently atop the wildflowers
And I imagined taking your hand-
running, screaming, laughing-
I imagined happier reasons
For my uncontrollable heartbeat, my rapid breaths, the clammy sweat,
Despite the fact that I'm actually shivering, swaddled tight under two heavy blankets.
I buried my face in the cushions
And turned on a light to ward off the dark
I put on headphones to mask the silence and the pounding screams
Of the tiny birds keeping residence outside my window.
If I had my own way I'd drown them out with my own song
The pounding of my dancing heels
Keeping time with the waves in my head
To fill this empty room
I wanted to tell you
But right now, you're somewhere else
Asleep as you should be
I tried to curl tighter
To ward off each stab of a high-pitched whistle
I made mental notes of songs I could sing you
Once I've escaped these walls.
Until then, tell those warblers to go taunt somebody else.
and in the meantime I'm just going to have to trust that I'll end up back in your arms, your beating heart a shield to the arrows which pierce mine upon each beat