Now, maybe we’re beautiful, but it’s hard to discern in the dark
Trying to leave our mark on this world, but the earth is harder than our bones
We feel so alone now, could we really be so alone?
I’ll light my last match for you, but the sulphur burns quick
It’s hard to illuminate the way out with nothing but burnt matchsticks
Still, the glimpse of your face was worth my last light
Turns out we aren’t alone at all

Still, the darkness sticks to our skin like oil, blackness hanging from our frames
I shout out against the weight, waiting for you to respond because I’ll feel better when I hear you
A glimpse, summer days sitting on a park bench and I see your eyes move
What did you see then? Will we see anything again?
Fighting back against the suffocating darkness of the world is tiring
Then your response echos through the ink, and we aren’t alone anymore

The smell of the sulphur, the sound of your voice, how did we end up here and was it a choice?
A somber decision made, looking for ways to escape the life that we had to face?
I contemplate too much, the devastating memories through which we **** and pick
So I go to the wall, turn on the light switch, 4:30 AM and neither one of us lifeless
You ask me what’s wrong, I lean in for a kiss
We aren’t alone at all

This is for my best friend
You were beautiful, and loved, you had so much left to give
I can't believe it's already been two years
No matter where I go you still find a way to make your presence clear
I still carry the weight of your life everywhere
Like whenever I see sunflowers I run to the spot they live just to see if you are there
When you told me I had a gift
I swear your face is scarred into the back of my eyelids because I see you when I sleep
I see you in my dreams just doing everyday mundane things or maybe smiling
When I got the phone call from Eileen, I dropped down onto my knees and screamed, bursting into tears
Realizing we are weaker than we feel or seem is pretty humbling
When people ask how I'm doing now, it's more an instinctual reaction to reply "well me, I'm just fine"
Blame it on an indifferent demeanor, or on an educational system that forces teachers to teach students to fill in bubbles and not use their minds
I guess they don't read what is said in between the lines
That I'm overwhelmed by the presence of your absence
Unanswered questions on repeat of why'd this happen, why it happened
When we all know I was far more reckless and less loved than you
I had a conversation with someone I love greatly the other day and we were talking about why I never feel like I'm doing enough
And it didn't occur to me that I can never do enough because now that you're gone I'm living for two
I love fully, my life is a vivid picture of possibilities and realized dreams of being of service to others in recovery from this disease
But vivid pictures stand in Stark contrast to the piece of my heart that you took when you left, now a hole shaded grey in what was once a beautiful place
Just like yesterday, I was speaking to a group of people in a detox and it was just a room full of people and they all had your face
"Live for yourself, don't live vicariously", a lofty idea hammered home through a million motivational speakers and yet
You don't really have a choice, because if you don't live through me in my mind you might not even be alive at all

Riding in a van, holding hands in the middle seat
Watching our feeling pour out through soft fragile boundaries
Ask me anything in the moment, Id share with you everything
Next hour, searching for words to explain the depths of my heart
But there were none, and we didn't need them anyway
Traveling to different parts of the state
But then again, what are the chances we would meet in this place
7 billion people and time is infinite, our carbon traveled light years from the collisions of stars
When I walk into the coffee kitchen, blue eyes striking and there you are
Our roads, where do they go?
For now, and for as long as we let them, we can walk down them as one
Holding your hand, middle seat, knowing I wasn't being judged on where I'm from
What I've done
I'm excited to see the beauty of the journey, to find out what we become

When I left, footprints depressed into the dirt on the side of the road
Soon to be blown away by the wind, or covered in snow
I knew I would never be coming back
I hadn't told anyone, with only a sweatshirt to cover against the biting cold
I didn't bring a bag because a bag signals a journey
I just started walking because I knew I had to go

I thought, and I kept thinking, and tears kept filling my heart
I didn't bring a bucket to evacuate the water, but it never came close to sinking
Because I knew I had to go for a reason, and wherever I ended up would be peaceful
And beautiful
And whether I found you there or not, there would be quiet
My heart needed the silence I knew would be provided by the forest and the snow
I didn't know where I was going but I knew I had to go

For all of the days I spent, counting down the seconds until the moment of my demise
The days I spent in the noise, just looking for love
But only finding blank expresdions in every pair of eyes
If I had known to just walk when I felt I needed it
To not forget the past, but not stay stuck in it
I would have left the chaotic scene so long ago
Because I've found beauty in the silence and the snow

I lie awake, some nights
Silent music in my head turns down such a sad alleyway, and it's dark there
But really I can be happy most of the time, I swear, just give me time
Preferably during the daylight hours
Protected from the memories that climb through picture frames on the borderlines of sleep
The smoke on the bedroom walls won't ever leave
And I'm so sick of my mind playing tricks
Letting me fall into playing the game
The one where I find myself guessing at things that won't ever be
I can be alright, at least most of the time
When I'm not, that's fine too, I'll get by and get through
But in the confines of bedroom walls at midnight
It's hard to lie and say I don't miss you