Timothy Kenda

Timothy Kenda Feb 2014

Letting go of the past is so much harder than it seems
When its ghosts haunt the air around you
And assault you in your dreams
Now I look into the future and nothing is how it seems
And I am slowly letting my life slip away from me

Like a Phoenix from the ashes I fought and rose again
And sat atop the highest perch grinning in the wind
But then I was beaten down by the weight of all my sins
Now the ghosts that were the enemy, well they are now my only friends

I've sat alone and cried, has it been months, has it been years?
Is the earth really dry enough to soak up all my tears?
Self pity gets you no where but my reality has become my fears
And the veil of strength and success has gone from black to sheer

One by one they left me, all the people close from time gone past
They marched away to live and grow until I was left at last
The only one stuck inside my prison oh my how time does pass
Now I sit with their ghosts inside the mudbrick walls as death approaches fast
I'm not strong in my convictions so I wont go out with a blast
And the research shows that from the time I was born my die had been cast

Living here in a foreign world, withering away in fear
Screaming silently in my head oh please come back my dear
But her ghost replies that she is gone and I can feel it near
The black hole of my future expands and everything becomes so clear

Without me the sun will rise and time will still move on
The tides will shift and happiness will reign whether I'm here or gone
A man should not have to suffer a life in which he doesn't belong
So he sits and waits for death to grasp him with its melancholy song
How could I have been so wrong

In the last few months I have lost everything dear to me. Love, my job, my family. And depression has such a grip on me that I am stuck, forced to inaction like a deer in the headlights. I just don't know anymore.

Timothy Kenda Nov 2013

La Dispute

I still remember how the distance tricked us,
and lead us helpless by the wrist into a pit to be devoured.
I still remember how we held so strong to this,
though we had never really settled on a way out.
I still remember the silence, and how we'd always find a way
to turn and run to our mistakes.
I still remember how it all came back together just to fall apart again.
My dear, I hear your voice in mine.
I've been alone here, I've been afraid, my dear.
I've been at home here. You've been away for years. I've been alone.
I breathed your name into the air; I etched your name into me.
I felt my anger swelling; I swam into its sea.
I held your name inside my heart, but it got buried in my fear.
It tore the wiring of my brain; I did my best to keep it clear.
So, dear, no matter how we part, I hold you sweetly in my head.
And if I do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead.
If I can't love you as a lover, I will love you as a friend.
And I will lay a bed before you; keep you safe until the end.

Timothy Kenda Nov 2013

Icons

Trapped in an obelisk built to contain only pure beliefs
We tore the icons down off the barren walls
We had no choice but to take our falls, and **** it all
We can't except anything less than pure defeat
We have been put here by our peers and our fellow man
The fact we don't share their beliefs doesn't register on their scale
Instead they would rather run and impale
Die as martyrs or at least try and fail
Instead, I am going to do all that I can
To make life better for everyone I know
In the end I will not let you die alone
No one here has to put on a show
Lets rip apart our hearts like hyenas in the dark
Caring about nothing because the future looks so stark
Then I realize that I have torn the Icons down
I realize that I have navigated the pitfalls that lie around
What happens when you fall, do you really want to know?
Do you want the description of the horrors that you're shown
When you make the mistake of speaking to soon
When you realize that you might have something to lose
And you retract your former statements and sing a different tune
Tear those Icons down but don't you leave them lying around
Ready to corrupt and distort without evidence or sound
Destroy the Icons so the future generations may live in freedom
Don't contemplate your mission because their total control is near
Their control is the thing that we most have to fear
And it's clear
We are at a disadvantage, easily manipulated and steered
Towards paths more self destructive than they originally appeared
It is the Icons that are to blame
The remnants of the old times that bring us pain and shame.
That is why we smash them into dust
That's why we smash them because we must
When we break the Icons we dig our nails into the crust
That connects each and every one of us
Don't ever lie down to rest in the chamber of prayer
Don't ever let you guard down while passing through there
Because no one there seems to care
So all of us now, let us riot on the streets
Let us show them what we need to feel complete
Let us ask them for what we really want
Let us seek what we desire and refuse to stop

Timothy Kenda Oct 2013

Mom

For every time you swore that I wouldn't make it
For every instance that scorn crept into every unsaid word
You never needed to disown me mother for I was never yours
I let you rip at the very stones of my foundation in your attempt
To assure my failure so I would know your contempt
But you failed, mother, because you are so blind
Without you I struggled but the way I did find
Even though there were times I didn't think I could take it
How do you sleep at night knowing that you have forsaken
Your only son; I hope it has taken
A grave toll on your hard black soul
I hope you rip at your bloodless flesh in your dreamless sleep
And torment yourself with a hate that's violent and deep
Let's both be honest here, though, because we both know
That you are glad that I am gone
But in spite of you I have struggled on
To build a life worth living, so I didn't end up like you
I can't even imagine how you live like you do
Every day cold and grey, every miserable hour the same
Every problem not your own for everyone else is always to blame
You can't even see how broken you have become
From you perch where you judge what others have done
I hope you see me far below, standing strong and tall
And remember that no matter what happens I refuse to fall
I hope fear creeps into the cavity of your chest
I hope it disturbs you every time you try to rest
And I hope it leaves you depressed, knowing I have risen
Knowing that you couldn't **** me when you thought it was a given
I am going to become something you have only dreamed of
Before your dreams disappeared and were replaced by fears
That destroyed you and rotted your core
And left you broken and unable to shed tears or feel anymore
I pity you, mother, for you are all alone
But I will never forgive you for the things you have done
What kind of monster are you, who could turn her back on her own son
You made me feel so worthless and incapable
You taught me that unhappiness is oppressive and inescapable
All you ever taught me has proven to be a lie
Planted in my head so that you could watch me die
But for every seed of doubt you planted that rooted in my head
I ripped them out because I would have rather been dead
Than forever incapacitated by the poison you applied
Only then did I understand that you had already died
I think of you every day, I fight against the memories I have
I can't help that at times they make me sad
But they make me want more for myself than what you said life offered
And I will fight for every inch until the day I die
I will fight for a better life because I know the reasons why
I am worthy and good and not a victim of your lies
I am loved and I love others, I am honest, I am good
I am everything that your sad existance never understood

Timothy Kenda Oct 2013

Dust and spit

We took our dreams and crushed them into dust
Stirred them up with our own blood and spit
We built a prison to hold our souls forever
We built it up with stones made from the mix
And if the walls ever start to crumble
We'll crush more dreams and fashion bricks
Keep our hearts locked in the dark until the end of time
Until we're forced to wade across the river Styx
Only when we are stranded staring back at shore
We realize it's too late there is nothing we can fix
We never learned how to let ourselves be happy
We lived a life that was filled with tricks
While others ****** the life right from our bodies
They swelled up with disease like swollen ticks
Good decisions and outcomes mostly escaped us
On a losing streak we made horrible picks
And we never learned our lessons well
As life passed us by we just chose to sit
I have worn down the leather in the soles of my shoes
Our bones have shattered like brittle little sticks
Walking forever down a dark and desolate road
The sad part is the path was mine to choose
Now watch me stack needles end to end
And attempt to balance on the top until I lose
My footing and come crashing back down to earth
And die alone with no obvious clues
Just a dark void left in the shadows of the earth where my soul once was
And a prison built of broken dreams to show I've paid my dues
Over and over again I have fallen down
The look of your broken heart shows me you have too
We are all stuck in our own prisons of spit and dust
We have watched it all disappear down the drain
I will show you my deep black sars if I must

Timothy Kenda Oct 2013

I thought I heard you

I walked by and heard your voice
I looked around but I couldn't find you
For every love that didn't mind you
I can't just wait forever and sit
In a place without you; it's just not a choice
But you weren't here and I swear I heard your voice
Filled with so much beauty and poise
That every other voice just fades to noise
It is such a shame that I am all the way over here
In a land where all the men are mere boys
Where insanity reigns and everyone plays petty games
Children don't have love, just plenty of toys
Nothing around here is as it may appear
But with you everything is so crystal clear
Not here, everything is hazy in this place
People act out of frustration and fear
The anguish and hopelessness is thrown in your face
I will not succumb to this misery, darling
I will find my way to you or I will forever be disgraced
I would forever be shamed
For though the distance is a temporary pain
Our hearts still beat the same
On mine you've staked your claim
And regardless of flames or the rain
Or the end of the earth due to drastic climate change
I am making my way to you to love you
Until the end of all of time because I am yours
and through the void you are mine
It's through the void that I hear the beauty of your words
And though you aren't here I am coming to you
Because a love like ours deserves to be heard
Where I am now is ripping at me; making me depressed
And you deserve nothing but the best and I am so blessed
to have the opportunity to love you like you deserve
So I am coming there and getting out of this place
So that I don't have to hear your voice echoed by ghosts in the space

Timothy Kenda Oct 2013

Torn away Never

It has brought us to this dark place
This dark void from which there is no escape
Oh my god if you could have seen your face
tearing itself apart at an incredible pace
As we were ****** into the black hole in space
A love like ours could never be replaced
And so with all my might I braced
Against the inevitable that would lay us to waste
I just hope we will be placed
In the afterlife together not catastrophically spaced
a million miles away from each other every day
I would weep with sorrow in every way
I couldn't live in the afterlife's tragic play
And I would fade away
without you, so please stay
By my side where no distance can separate
Our love that was designed by fate
Oh what a horrific time
That we had to go through in our minds
Just to find each other in the mistakes and crimes
To learn that we would be forever entwined
And its fine, the fact that we weathered all the storms
It made our souls stronger even if we had to mourn
And now my soul would be torn
If we were ever ripped apart by the waves
Oh my lover, I couldn't breath without you near me in the seas
And without you there would be no more me