Am I a friend, or someone you run to when you want to play pretend?
Am I a friend you treat like a doormat for your muddy boots to wipe so you can keep a clearer conscience to sleep at night?
I've cleaned up your act and that's a fact and since I moved on cant say I want you back
To all those no longer around it's been lit
You burned your bridges
Now there ain't no crossing it

At night I feel I never get any sleep
Real late at night, my thoughts don't make a peep
I feel I'm sick without remedy
From the top to my lower extremities

But it's okay because I'm not that weak
When I write these words to read they speak
Trying to reach a world beyond that
Like a drunk with a lean, you can call me cocked back

Loaded, already acknowledging I need a following
So I spit up these words instead of swallowing

These poems and my pride, I want to let it all show
I'm restless at night because I've been ready to go
Hoping the words in my vocabulary start to grow
But keep it simple stupid has always been my motto

I need to borrow a spoonful of sanity to keep away the vanity
and sustain my humanity I might just use profanity

But Nah, **** it, two tears in a bucket

It's been a minute since I've talked to my Father
he's got 3 other kids I don't want to be a bother

It's been a minute since I've lived in the now
Always thinking about when but never how

I got problems that only I can fix
It's been a minute since I wrote something like this

I don't get down I just get stressed out
some days I feel like I'm having a mental drought
or lack of capacity to handle the tenacity
This fast-moving life is a travesty
Unable to fulfill my happiness and that's blasphemy

But I digress, It's been a minute since I've gotten my thoughts off my chest and out of my brain
It's been a minute since I've been able to enjoy the rain
Feel each droplet as it hits and resets all my pain

It's been a minute since I've had a plan
Everything in my life I wanted to do I'm just saying
I've done it, but no I won't quit
I've got ADHD so I can't sit
Still, I know I won't stop till
I break the end off this quill
Or I make some money off this so I can chill

Hole in my heart
Not broken
Just falling apart

Every day I'm ripped to shreds
By the sound of the thoughts in my head

I don't tend to stress
I said tend, so please double check
To make sure my heart hasn't been ripped out of my chest

Some nights I'm a mess and I get to be
If you don't know where my head is check the directory
It's still there if my memory
Serves as good as my empathy
Generally, I don't talk about myself or my feelings
Most nights I spend in my head silently healing
Don't feel like any other soul is out there dealing
With the same issues I'm going through

Could this be true?
No one else in the world feels the ways you do?

That's silly let's get back to reality
To tell you why my hearts falling apart
This is the part
That comes straight from my heart
Here I'll start

To whom this may concern, check up on me and leave your comfort zone
There is someone out there that feels alone
that could benefit from you just hearing them out
A minute of your day might not **** you, but it might **** them
All this mayhem and disorder that's up in our minds
Are hard things to keep track of at times
So please be kind and rewind so we can come home

Back from those thoughts that held us for ransom
Times where we want to throw a tantrum
Sometimes we can't, then we phantom

I mean ghost, away from everything that makes us whole
Just to feel like we have even a little control
Of what goes on around us all the time
It's not possible so please give it a rest
Just say hi, or what's up every now and then
to try your best
Someone will appreciate you, should you put it to the test

Every time I put in more work I get less in return
Somehow I don't think this is a lesson I need to learn
Growing up has never felt like this but where do I begin?
I'm at a point where I ask myself why do I need friends if all beginnings have endings?
Could it be that these friends or myself are transcending  
Past the point of them spending
Anytime with me anymore, how do you know a friendship is ending
It feels more like a facebook friend request, I'm just pending..
I don't blame others for anything they don't want to do
It's just been a while since I've had a friend to talk to
When I reach out it feels like I'm asking for a handout
and everyone's got their hands full
Not one to call bull, but I need to pull
Myself from this hole in my heart that tends to make me miserable
Sometimes I ask myself why or what did I do to be like this
But the truth is I'm more than fine just confused by it
It being this constant narrative where it's me versus me
There seems to be no one around my immediate 360
I use all my strength each day to work the hardest, safest, and most efficient as I can be.
I'm not saying no one is but who is there to reciprocate that energy?
For those times I need to look up and someone needs to be my guide
For the times I want to run and go hide
I don't want to do this that or even the other
Sometimes I felt like I never had a Mother.
Mine loves me to death, she is the greatest and got me this far
Sometimes I ask why because even she doesn't have the answers I need and when times get this hard
I try not to dwell but I also dwell
Rare times where I trap my thoughts inside of this negativity cell
All boxed up filled with explosive emotions
On a good day enough to part seas and oceans
All I need is a checkup, not one from any doctor
Perhaps the ones that put it all on the table
that don't proclaim it's their final offer