Sometimes I can feel you holding me,
When I wake and I'm warm,
But I roll over,
And the bed is empty,
And the sheets are choking me,
I claw and scream for any sign you were here,
But the bed is cold.
And so am I.

I feel like you’re always behind me,
following me,
whispering down my neck,
crawling into my spine,
digging through my flesh.
How am I supposed to get rid of you,
when you’ve become part of me?

i dipped my wings in ink,
and painted the sky with my trauma,
now everything is dark and i wonder,
will i ever see the sun again.

And when i saw you again,
my blood ran cold,
and I haven’t felt warmth since.

You make me feel like me,
You make me laugh,
You make me comfortable,
You make me safe,
You make me love,
and that is why you terrify me,
I thought this part of me was lost years ago.

Did you mean to steal my heart?
My freedom?
My happiness?
Was the urge to much?
The need to watch me misjudge,
What I thought was love.

You stole everything I had
and ran.
I haven't seen you since.

I'm forever running from bullets
that have already hit me
so i run bleeding
my flesh tearing open
as the wounds that you left on my body
refuse to heal

I never was fast enough to outrun you,
I can still feel your claws in my ankles,
Like chains,
that I'm trying to cut through,
But I'm left tangled,
The pain beating through my veins.
I think I've gone insane,
Where is my brain?
Look at how I've grown,
Into this hurricane.

i remember the first time i injected it,
i swore my veins turned neon,
suddenly i was seeing ultraviolet,
my body melted into the earth,
the soil became my bones,
the whole world spun and glowed,
and i knew nothing would ever feel this good again,
and now when i inject it,
all i get is relief,
that i finally found something to stop my cold sweats,
my shaking hands,
my racing mind,
me.

the world just seems prettier with neon in my veins.

the world is easier to deal with when my veins are glowing.

The war drum in my heart,
Reminds me of the battle I have to fight,
Thump, thump, thump,
Passing the poison around my body.

I know you can feel it too,
I can see the burns across your skin,
A sign of my sins,
From when you gave a touch too soft, too gentle,
And it burns even more on those who just take.

I cannot remember to sound of an unmarred heart,
Or when my touch didn't scorn,
My worn down heart has forgotten how to beat,
But its starting to beat for you.

I'm not sure what is worse,
Watching you leave,
And feeling my heart twists with each fading footstep,
Or knowing that I'll wake with all your sweetness next to me,
To delicious to not devour.

"It's just a dance. What are you afraid of?"
She whispers into my ear.
I look into those damning, starry night eyes,
Feel the flames lick my body where her hands lay on my back.
"I'm scared the flames will burn too harshly, or that when the fire is put out all that will remain is the rubble of a broken heart."
I think to myself.
But then she slowly spins me around,
And I feel naked under her gaze,
And I couldn't care less.
The fear of never having you is larger than the burn you will leave behind.

I have been writing for years,
and recently I’ve been reading all my old poems,
and all I’ve realised,
is that nothing has changed.
Nothing ever will.

how could somebody's eyes,
hold so many seasons.

How cruel of my heart,
to fall for someone,
that is in love with another,
but to still love them,
as if they were mine to love.

i would give you the world,
but it is not mine to give,
and you don’t want it.

the idea of getting better scares me,
because i have lived with this pain for years,
who will i be without it?
is there a person even left saving?
or has the fire burnt me too much,
and now all is left is a corpse,
choking on the ashy embers left behind.

I don't think there will be a day,
where I don't think about you.
But I hope one day,
it won't hurt so ******* much.

Dances in the kitchen at 3:43 AM,
Water fights in the garden,
Kisses in the sheets,
Holding hands in the streets,
Listening to each others heartbeat,
Till we fall sleep,
Baking competitions,
And awful song renditions,
Late night stargazing,
Singing in the raining.
Love has never felt so sweet.

Hey.
It's been a while since I wrote to you.
I wonder if you are still listening.
I wonder if you ever were.
I miss you.
Sometimes I think I see you.
Or I hear you.
Like your ghost was visiting to remind me of you.
If it wasn't for the messages I would've doubted you were real.
But you were real.
You were here.
I loved you.
I love you.
But my love couldn't fly 3692 miles to see you.
Wipe your tears and hold you close.
And your ashes were whisked away by the sky.
You always did wish you could fly.
I think a part of me died with you.
I can feel the parts of me that have rotted.
But though my lungs heave and ache without you,
And my body is weighted with guilt,
I am happy.
I knew you.
I knew every part of you.
That was an honour I'll never get again.
I wonder what you'd be like now,
17 years old and finally free?
Maybe you'd be happy.
Happy with me.
Maybe.
This might be last one.
At some point I have to move on.
Sometimes it feels like I caught the bullet,
Of the gun you shot.
I think it's time I let it heal.
I hope things are good now.
I hope you are better.
I just wanted  to say I still think of you.
I always will.

Yours sincerely,
x

In amongst the debris of everything we created
And everything we destroyed
I know that I still love you
Even though your heart is still
And your body is cold
The memory of you will always keep me warm

I swear love was never supposed to hurt like this

I never thought I'd live to see the day,
where I would smile a real smile,
and say I'm okay,
and mean it.
Yet here I am.

I tore you apart,
and you are still offering me the pieces,
I ripped off.

i knew the moment you messaged me,
that my heart was on a noose,
and with every message you sent,
the closer i got to the edge.
i don't mind my lungs bleeding,
if they're bleeding for you.

if i give you my heart,
please don’t squeeze too tight.
it’s still healing from the bruises,
the last one left behind.

She was like a hurricane
And I so wanted to get caught up in the storm
To catch a true view of her beauty, all her horror
I wanted to feel my bones break and my heart fall apart from her love
Because it will be worth it
Oh god I loved her
But when the storm is gone
What is left?

it hurts too much to remember you as a person,
so now i remember you as all the words i wrote about you,
the words i wrote for you,
and now it feels your existence will be forever tattooed onto my body,
in pretty words and stanzas full of love,
when nothing about us was pretty,
and nothing about what we had was love.

“What does alcohol taste like?”

It depends on why you are drinking
Sometimes it tastes of love
Sometimes it tastes of regret

You whispered 'I love you' against my lips,
Your grip loosens on my hips,
And I can see you leaving,
And I'm left alone, lungs heaving,
Because I could never have enough of your touch,
The void you left is somehow too much,
I felt like I was flying with you,
And now I've crashed and I wish we never flew,
I'm not sure if I should thank you for the ride,
Or hate you because you ended it too soon.

I just want to be with you,
just hold you,
kiss you,
bury my head in the crook of your neck,
rest my head on your chest,
and fall asleep to the beat of your heart,
feel the warmth of your skin.
I just want you
but I couldn’t be further away from you
and the distance kills me.

you tell me to speak my,
whilst stitching my lips together,
and then ask why my screams are so muffled.

i am trying to get you out of my skin
by pouring you into these pages
but now the ink is in my blood
and i'm poisoned forever.

I don't think I can rebuild myself again
Not with tearing everything down,
And still the cracks will scream and shout
"I am still here"

Depression is like punching waves
You keep hitting and hitting
But the waves keep coming
You look up and see the entire ocean waging against you
Like god created a storm just for you  
And then you become tired
And then you start to drown under the never ending cycle of waves

It's sadistic,
but it helps to know you hurt too.
My heart pleads to curl up in your arms,
cry until I can't breathe.

But instead I kiss you.
I need a relief from the maelstrom in my head,
a release of tension in my chest.

I expect you to push me off,
tell me to leave,
but you don't.
Your grip tightens.
I guess you never thought you'd have this again,
have me.

I want to claw at my chest,
give you my heart and show you,
that the scars have already formed your name.
It's yours now,
it always was and always will be.

I know its tattered and bruised,
weak and unused,
abused and confused,
but will you keep it with you?

I know in the morning I will see my marks on your neck,
and want to rip off your clothes and start all over again,
or worst kiss them better.
This was a mistake,
but I don't regret it one bit.

Rain pours like acid from the sky
I let you crawl inside my chest
when you were tired and needed to rest
but then you clawed your way out
and now there's nothing but emptiness
A bird without a nest
My bones are heavy
My lungs heaving
It shouldn't be so hard to be breathing
but your absence wraps around me like a noose
Will your suffocating grip ever become loose?

The scars on my body
Lay like a map to the memories of you
I scratch and tear at my skin
In attempt to get you out my flesh
But the scars run deep into my bones

I tried to write a list of the things I wanted in life
and list of things I want to cut off with a knife.
I found you name on both of the lists,
As I continue to reminisce,
Your wrists that I kissed,
And the memories of you that persist,
And insists that I should just submit,
And let you in.

Maybe I should never have let you go.

Why do I feel shame for what I sold,
And you feel none for what you bought?

I should have known better than to put my trust into hands so ***** and then question how it became so tarnished

It's funny how I thought you were helping me to breathe,
When all you were doing was choking me.
And now that I've set myself free,
You say you don't understand why I had to leave,
And paint me as the beast.
Well everyone can see through your deceit.
Was my body just yours to feast?
Were these always were your intentions?
Or was it somewhere across the lines,
When your love that used to shine,
Became redefined,
And intertwined,
With something,
More serpentine.

I am no more than my flesh and bones
I am just a body
Let the vultures feed on me
Leave me to decay

I thought love was bruises and broken hearts
I was taught that pain was the point of it all
because if you aren't in pain
are you alive at all?

I thought i found a home in your heart
but it turns out it was only for rent
rent that i couldn't afford

Painted in suffering
Sculpted by regret
Our love was an art form
That we didn't appreciate

Please will you be my antidepressant
Numb my feelings
Keep the sadness at bay
Please will you stay

Please don't hurt me
I've been lost for so long
in a place with no sun
Please will you guide me home

Please don't go
When the flowers have wilted
And the summer grows cold
Please I need someone to hold

Please don't fall out of love with me

I place my hand on my chest,
Because my heart was the last thing you touched,
Before you left.
I never want to lose the feel of your touch,
Trying to burn this feeling into my skin,
I let you win.
I know you took all the summers with you,
So I'll wrap myself in the bleak winters,
And wait for your return.

I never wanted to let you go

Although i lay in the gutter
I still look at the stars
Oh how beautiful they are
Burning into the sky
Bleeding light into the darkness
Pure destruction
Pure chaos

The ghost of you is choking me
But I don’t want you to leave
So I’ll let my lungs burn and heave
Please let me try and breathe for you