I never thought I'd live to see the day,
where I would smile a real smile,
and say I'm okay,
and mean it.
Yet here I am.

when I was younger,
i envisioned a future of makeup,
femininity, pretty dresses and falling in love.
drinking, partying and running through the fields of youth.

but here i am,
crawling into my sheets
crying all hours
and nothing about me is pretty,
i am not loved
i am not running through fields of youth,
im running from them
and they were always faster than me.

God! You look so beautiful.
I wish I was a painter,
so I could capture your beauty forever,
I tried to paint you in my mind,
mould your sculpture into my memory,
but you have become distorted,
bleeding,
screaming.
My dreams and nightmares fight over you,
my brain was always good at twisting things,
and now I don’t know what the reality is.

I tore you apart,
and you are still offering me the pieces,
I ripped off.

I swear love was never supposed to hurt like this

I just want to be with you,
just hold you,
kiss you,
bury my head in the crook of your neck,
rest my head on your chest,
and fall asleep to the beat of your heart,
feel the warmth of your skin.
I just want you
but I couldn’t be further away from you
and the distance kills me.

How cruel of my heart,
to fall for someone,
that is in love with another,
but to still love them,
as if they were mine to love.