here i am,
writing poems full of love,
for someone who’s not reading.

It's sadistic,
but it helps to know you hurt too.
My heart pleads to curl up in your arms,
cry until I can't breathe.

But instead I kiss you.
I need a relief from the maelstrom in my head,
a release of tension in my chest.

I expect you to push me off,
tell me to leave,
but you don't.
Your grip tightens.
I guess you never thought you'd have this again,
have me.

I want to claw at my chest,
give you my heart and show you,
that the scars have already formed your name.
It's yours now,
it always was and always will be.

I know its tattered and bruised,
weak and unused,
abused and confused,
but will you keep it with you?

I know in the morning I will see my marks on your neck,
and want to rip off your clothes and start all over again,
or worst kiss them better.
This was a mistake,
but I don't regret it one bit.

today I felt sad,
so today I took a pill,
and my sadness turned into a dull numbness,
and sometimes the pill makes me laugh,
and either way it protects me from my thoughts that haunt,
but now it’s wearing off,
and I’m sad,
so I will take another pill.

and the cycle is never ending.

Karma chased me,
ripped off my legs so I could no longer run from my mistakes.
Karma burnt me,
and now I scream in pain for all the pain I've caused.
Karma hurt me,
but I guess I deserved it.

it hurts too much to remember you as a person,
so now i remember you as all the words i wrote about you,
the words i wrote for you,
and now it feels your existence will be forever tattooed onto my body,
in pretty words and stanzas full of love,
when nothing about us was pretty,
and nothing about what we had was love.

It's hard to think about my future,
When I'm trapped in my past,
Screaming for some freedom,
But no-one can help me,
I am the one with the keys.

the idea of getting better scares me,
because i have lived with this pain for years,
who will i be without it?
is there a person even left saving?
or has the fire burnt me too much,
and now all is left is a corpse,
choking on the ashy embers left behind.