some days i just bury myself so deep underground
it seems the dark is all that's there for me
you know how hard i try to be strong
but there are days where i just can't be
forgive me if i don't dig you out
but i am six feet underground
i will keep digging, say
i am not allowed to feel this way
but i cannot force that smile today
say,
it's best i go away, say
i deserve this for my lack of strength
i so often forgot that i am a tool to be used
i am just the shovel underground
i am meant to lift the dirt, not get buried

I will dye my hair red and blue and bright neon green
Tattoo flower petals over my scars
Rip up the flooring
To every house and every apartment
and every run down trailer I've ever lived in
Anything
Anything
To feel whole
And alive
I will reinvent myself
I will forget my name

We used to live down each other's throats, in each other's homes and now I'm lucky if we speak monthly and it hurts somewhere deep inside me
We used to talk about cartoons and books and nothing at all while we'd listen to music on your bedroom floor but now it seems you're caught up in more taboo entertainments and I'm caught up in my tailspin
I think the only thing that hasn't changed is the love for cartoons but we have kept none of the childhood spirit they used to bring, inspiring us to stay up all night hush-hush talking through your DS
I'm afraid that we don't quite fit together anymore, puzzle pieces bent at different spots so we don't quite work
I never expected to be out of place in your company and I'm so scared to talk to you and risk realizing that when they say Everything Goes Away they mean EVERYTHING and 7-year friends are no exception
I'm used to everything falling away when it's not ripped up from the roots but I guess I'd convinced myself we were two branches on the same trunk so the roots didn't matter
But here we are, old friend, here we are.

Over 18,100 words
Have not been enough to teach me
That you cannot force unwilling feeling into words
Lightning can't always become poetry
I am angry
And it lives inside me
Refusing to leave
My tired bones alone

if time keeps bringing us back together
lifetime after lifetime like you say
then time just must be out to **** me
cause oh god, you break my heart

I had a dream about us last night.
We went to the movies and bickered about snacks,
It was almost like a normal day
Except we were on the bus instead of the backseat of my mom's car
And you could still look at me without disgust in your eyes.

hold me close
precious thing
breathe me in
like fresh air
something that you've missed for years
something that you need
hold me close
hold me tight
tell me that I'm beautiful

lie to me

It's always so good until it isn't
And you make me so warm til you freeze over
I am left to traverse this paper sheet of ice to the other side of this lake
I remind myself that even if the ice breaks I can swim
But the cold makes my body heavy and unstable
I am uneasy on my feet trying to navigate you
To get to the spring of tomorrow
When the nightmares are less frequent and the silence less deafening
I am calling out to you but afraid to cause an avalanche
We said we'd do better this time
So why am I left barefoot on thin ice?

i used to be so sure of what i wanted
and you know i'd still jump at adventure
but **** ******* i just want love
i'd go against my nature, settle down
to have a familiar pair of arms to come home to
even if that home is rooted in stone
and i never get my chance to roam
**** ******* i'd give it up
to be with you for good in love

A certain kinda sadness that you slip right into
Like an old sweater, worn soft, once perfect for you
But now it just clings to your body
Too close
Suffocating
But it's your favorite sweater
Such a pretty shade of blue

Hello, my bleary-eyed conquerors of morning.
Again you have slain the little beasts that cling to your skin and weigh you down, urging you to dismiss the sun.
Some may not understand the war we wage,
But I see and commend your strength on this day.
Many battles have we lost to the weight of our thoughts,
To the repetitive rumbling reminders of the day's duties.
But today,
My Warriors,
We have defeated the dreary drag of depression
To fight another day.
Hello, my bleary-eyed conquers of morning.
I hope we meet again at tomorrow's dawn.

I miss you
Your warm existence
The way I could read you
Know your genuine smiles
I miss you
But I don't miss the anger
I don't miss you screaming at me
For not letting you die
I don't miss the blame
I don't miss the fear
But I hope you're okay
Still wish you were here
I will be here if you need me
Though I know this will just hurt me

One day I hope to feel
Not so lost without you, not so
Broken into pieces, scattered too thin across creation
My heart weeps to read your silk but it has been so long since you have written
I will stop checking, I will stop refreshing your page like something will materialize, some confession about that wild boy you decided to start missing
Like you'd suddenly grow new sentiment, years later
I swear I will pick myself off the floor
I won't see you in everything that smells like summer
One day I will move on
I will be okay without you

Yes I've taken my pills but they cannot tame
The violent thoughts that rattle my brain
There is no cure for the pressing desire
To know the taste of the barrel of a gun and retire
Some of my ills are the chemical kind
But worse are the demons inside of my mind
And therapy has never worked for me,
I fear it never will
And that I will live out all my life
Insurmountably ill

Don't ever let anyone make you feel like you're "nothing."
You are not nothing, you are everything.
Matter cannot be created or destroyed;
We are all SOMETHING,
Something incredible and constant,
We are a part of the beginning and end.
You are made of stars and oceans and canyons.
You are BEAUTIFUL.
You are INFINITE.
So when that boy with insecurity dripping with the sweat off his forehead calls you "nothing,"
Tell him "we are the same.
If I'm nothing than so are you,
So let's take these blank canvas lives and build
Because your atoms will be passed on.
So let's make a little magic for whatever we become
And they will be magic, too."

I often feel like the means to an ending
Filling in the blank, the wrong word with the right amount of letters
A shoulder to lean on, tremble though I may
And weak as I may be
I will slide easily into character
I will do my best to be everything you need
But what you need may never really be me

i'm like a dog running in circles round your feet
like you've come home again every time we speak
and i've been tailed tucked, waiting at the window
didn't even realize i was waiting til you came
and i'm running round in circles, jumping up again
making myself dizzy, giddy

a part of me will always be attached to you
and coming back to you will always be like coming home
i think these are facts
and i'm not sure how to feel about that

should've seen it coming from a mile away,
saw it coming but pulled the covers up over my eyes,
suffocating but reveling in the warmth
as if i could ever have anything good
as if anything good could last
i thought you were
forever
for real this time
i thought i grew out of **** like that
guess i'm dumber than i thought

Don't touch-
Don't touch the live wire don't touch-
Don't touch me don't touch me don't TOUCH Me
I am a Live Wire
I am made of fire and thorns
With lightning in my veins
And trembling in my hands
I will rattle unstable
Reaching out for a tether to the level-headed world
And wondering what it's like to not be made of
Fire and Thorns and
Fear and Anger and Electricity
Really, truly, I am soft
They say I Lash Out but I am soft
Like flower petals
Like down feathers
Like memory foam
You could press against me and leave imprints
But I will not let you hurt me
Don't hurt me
Don't touch me
Static Electricity
When I'm angry, or scared,
Cornered and baring my teeth
You will watch me,
Tense,
And not dare to approach me
So as not to be shocked
You will not hurt me
You will not touch me
You will not try
And I will ignite again

and it's the feeling of being alive again
of being inspired
i want to write everything for you
i want to learn how to turn my sour notes sweet
everything seems so bitter in the past
this is something new
this is all thanks to you
i will be in your arms soon and i cannot wait
i cannot wait to sit silently in the same room
i just want to be near you
you are everything in brights in color in music
you are the world as it turns
you are the sun that warms me
you are the adventure, the happiness i've been trying to learn
and i know we're tiptoeing on cut up skin, trying desperately not to fall into the chasm of old habits
but i've got your hand
we can make it i promise we can make it
we will take these broken pieces and build a castle, a kingdom
sentimental streets and loud citizens
so very human
you are the most genuine person i've known, you love completely, you smile a fire, you feel a windstorm
i haven't ever met someone so like me
i can be the high tide, the flashing neon lights with you
i can say i love you i love you i love you a thousand times
my chest warms, swells, i can cry from happiness and not from fear with you
and there will be times when we are afraid, i know, i know
but i know we will get through
this is too good to lose
so i will say, again and again,
i love you i love you i love you

I am not getting high in the basement with the best friends of my life
Or standing in the back a pickup truck, arms outstretched in a million lights
I am not throwing popcorn or laughing or smiling or feeling
I am crumbling and everything is wrong
So wrong
We are supposed to be living and loving and dreaming and feeling "infinite"
We are supposed to come back from our hospital beds stronger
But I am locked up in my room in the dark and it's 3 am so if this is where I should be then why does it feel so ******* lonely
I want to laugh so hard my stomach hurts
I want to listen to music too loud in the passengers seat
If nothing else I want to talk to someone other than my mother and my therapist today
I want to live I want to live I want to live

You crash into my heart again as our favorite songs mesh easily to medley
The ambiance of inky night accompanied by songs I listened to on repeat
And I’d think of you, think of you, think of you,
And I don’t want to think of you,
Not to the tune of Marry Me,
Not to the sound of songs to which I once wept with joy and warmth
I will sing along softly to I’ll Keep You Safe
Keep myself present through the white line fever
And I will try not to think of you
Like a reflex,
Like muscle memory

look at a pig
(the resemblance is striking)

y'know i really do try my best
and the crashes are a shock to my system
suddenly we're back here again, try to fight the wires in my skin, try to feel alive and real and human
i need you to be with me though this
please
when i am with you through everything
can't you stand by me this once

meet me at the corner like we're naïve again
before we were afraid of the dark and would rule night, again
let me climb over your wall and tap on your window
let's go run our kingdom
when the town is sleeping, we own them
the two of us, princes:
reckless and brave,
too mischievous and star-eyed
to be told to behave

one day i will stop writing
dead poems to dead lovers
but my feelings
have a tendency to hold on-
i read over memories of you
like scripture
because if i forget the pain,
the sentiment, too, is gone

i don't want a valentine
i want all-the-time
i want midnight late night laughing too hard to go to sleep
i don't want some gesture card
i want to touch your heart
let me breathe my intensity your way without you running away
hold my hand in the long dark hallways
i want your love forever and always

I read your name and it makes me a moment to register the word
Those letters in that string
Still tied, tightening, around my heart

FIREWORKS, STARS
I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING BRIGHT AGAIN
I WANT A SWEET SONG TO WRITE AGAIN
LOOK ME IN THE EYES AND TAKE MY HAND
LET'S CREATE A KINGDOM AND RULE OUR OWN LAND
WHISPERS AND LAUGHTER
SECRETS WE KEEP WITH THE HILLSIDE AND THE TWILIGHT
CONSPIRING WITH THE STARS
CARBONATION IN OUR HEARTS
MAYBE IT'S THE SUMMER, THE WIND, THE HEAT
THAT MAKES ME YEARN TO UNBIND THESE SHACKLES AND RISE TO MY FEET

imagine if you were born at the beginning of time
imagine if you had the whole beautiful world placed in your hands like soft clay, ready to and waiting to be molded
imagine that you were the first domino to tip, the beginning of the chain reaction

i think about this a lot
i think about the big beautiful world in all its glory
i think about the big beautiful world and what we've done to it

imagine that you could look up at night and see the stars before light pollution, before air pollution
imagine that you could see every animal that has since gone extinct
imagine every life and every glimmer in your hands, watch them die faster than you can keep track of
would you do anything, everything to prevent it?

we are just here
we are just... here
we created society and money and the concept of purpose
hand to the throat, grip tight, contribute to society
you owe corporations for the air you breathe
it is up to me to decide if you are worth basic necessity
burden
free-loader

imagine
you could just
live

it's always too much
and it always overflows
I am so afraid

Something's gone
Ripped out of me sleeping
Someone put me out
And the smoke is filling my lungs

You are in the passenger seat of your best friend's car. Souls you love so, so much are with you, howling like wolves to the radio from the back seat. This is your pack all together. You feel connected, like a single string is tied to each of your hearts. The windows are down and the city is asleep as you fly down the highway, but the music and spirits are high. An unimaginable number of stars swims in the thick black inky sky. It's midnight but you are not tired and you have no where to be. You can sleep when you need to; for now, you're wide awake and buzzing, swelling, about to burst with this feeling. The pack howls along to songs about this, this very moment -- About experience, about connection, about raised voices and pounding hearts. This is the feeling of being alive. It is all you need, and all you've ever known.

I promise
I'll try
to reprogram myself
not to love you anymore,
but i don't know where we stand,
or what's allowed,
or what will push you further away from me,
so tell me what to feel.
ive always said id do anything for you.
say the words,
I'll turn away,
but tell me how it's gotta be
because i don't know if i can keep it up,
loving you wholeheartedly, halfway,
putting all my effort into repression, uncertainty,
only honest when i spill my soul into words you don't read -
you won't read this.
listen.
i love you to the very tips of my fingers
but i don't know if it's okay anymore-
just, please.
tell me what to feel.

I'll cradle the nights
you'd think they'd be less long and lonely with all the stars by my side
but the stars are friends and I'm afraid to reach to the sky again
reach up, let the moon brush my fingertips
I'll care for the nights
nurture them with dreams and sighs
let them drink up the wist
I'll handle the moon
take care of the sun for me

oh i adore you
and so again i gush
i am never more comfortable
than when im
wrapped around your finger
but i have this habit of loving
ten thousand percent and giving
everything i have and i just
love and love and love my heart out
it's so easy to make you
the center of my world but baby
sometimes this is a solar system where
you're the sun and i am out here,
revolving around you, but cold,
so far away

Rage surges through my body like electric currents
And I am flesh and bone not meant to control it
Forgive me, I'm about to break
I might shock you with my uncontrollable sparking
I do not want this electricity
It makes my dearest, my golden afraid of me

I get stuck on one word and cannot finish my sentence until I have said CANNOT enough times that it feels like the word has settled on my tongue
The sound chases itself out over and over and over and  over and over and over and insert 'over and over' again
I rapidly flap my bare foot and thank the universe that I am breaking down down down down down down down down down down down down in my room room room not not outside

im doing it again and i crumble
take it, take it, take all of me
throw my heart at you, pour out my being
i try to reclaim myself with distance but only succeed in isolation
i say "i can't do this" like this is my purpose
like i am nothing more but a resource to give with no source to replenish
i hang onto the tiny fractured pieces of myself and constantly get cut on the shards
i make promises like a death sentence
i say "i can't do this" and crawl back into my cell away from everything i need because
i am needed
needed and given and taken and used up
and i need
but when i need i am grovelling, overflowing, and still trying to give with nothing left of me
somewhere along the way i convinced myself that i need to be needed
but i've been serving purpose all along
i exhaust myself with being needed, with putting myself forward even when i am not asked for
i need to be able to need
i drain myself dry of affection, passion, compassion
i will not eat for days, i will wear my binder for days straight
i will put everything away for you like a guardian
like i could ever be anything but a broken thing with a mask
trying to fluff up my chest to seem large enough to take care of anyone who needs me
i have been walking on broken legs and i think they healed wrong
i have been tearing out the same stitches over and over again, bending over backwards, contorting myself
i am so afraid to speak in anything but metaphor because i don't want to shatter this, show my underbelly, cave in to my own weakness
i don't want to say i need more than this, that is how i get broken, that i how i am discarded
i don't want to show my marred skin and remind you that i am bleeding, too
i don't want to be anything but a shelter for you
i will continue you to tear myself apart in chunks, crying
take it, take it, take all of me

A silent sort of sadness
Quiet, deadly depression
Weighs me down, anchors me deeper
Dragging me into the dark syrupy ocean
That I created within myself from emotion
And it's surrounding me, drowning me,
Filling my lungs and coating my insides
Too much of it touching my skin to feel it within so I'm
Drowning numb, giving in to sleep
Adding to the secret scar collection I keep
Waiting for the tide to pull me to shore
Or waiting until I can't breathe anymore

i don't know why i write so much
mediocre words jumbled together in a desperate need for expression i suppose
sometimes i wish you'd sit down and read my spirit right out of me
and maybe i'd finally feel heard, seen
*this is a cleansing
my scars and soft spots bared to you
i curl in on myself as the world blinks innocently
this is a cleansing

Sitting here
I contemplate taking the razor to my stomach
Trying to carve away all of this
Trying to escape my body
In reality
I know they'd say it was suicide
But I only want to be
Everything I'm not
I only want to be
Beautiful