I feel like I've failed some sort of test
Like I've already lost
Allowing myself to need
Is just waiting for the other foot to drop
I am here to serve
Seen, used, and not heard unless spoken to
And that has nothing to do with you
But it is my reality
The moment I am human is the moment I am no longer amusing
The moment I am left behind
I need you I need you I need you to allow me to need you I need to be allowed to bend I often break and that is so often the breaking point but I don't ever want to lose this i don't ever want to lose you but this feels like losing, trying to cry silently because I'm so scared of disappointing you, of disappointing you by panicking about disappointing you, disappointing you by-

I am trying not to be but I am so afraid I am so afraid I am so afraid
I am so much I am too much I am too loud I am ten thousand miles an hour I never want to lose you but I know I am a thunderstorm I am the loud sudden noise we are both afraid of I am the inevitable heaviness and I am so afraid

I can't help but still feel unlovable at my whole,
At 100% of myself
I am an overdose

It is 3 AM and I am so blessed to be next to you
But I can't help but wish I could make time go faster faster until we are both awake again, reluctant to move, warm and close and I will slow it all down, slow motion so I never have to leave your side, never have to get back on that plane and fly all those miles away from you and your warmth and your presence

I do not control time

2 days remain
And there will be glass and time and distance between us
But hold me for now

We are large chests on large bodies
Bodies like valleys
Bulging hips and shoulders too wide
We still make ourselves small, try to hide
Because we are not the pretty boy flower princes you say we should be
Nor the perfect picture of masculinity
I wore a sparkling Cinderella blue skirt to my senior prom,
Paired with a button down and a bowtie because *******, I'm gonna be me
Even if I cannot shatter in your hands
And there are days when I stare at the mirror for hours wondering why I look so wrong
Why I wasn't born the way I was supposed to be
But **** that, this is my body
I am my definition of man regardless of yours
I am not your Token Trans stereotype
And I do not have to "pass" at anything, my identity is not a test
I do not have to press the air from my lungs every day to be valid to you
*I know who I am
I didn't ask for your point of view

today is one of those days where my heart beats too harsh, too heavy in my chest
where my skin is a cold and barren wasteland and my chest a cavity
earthquake fingernails, itching to scratch, pick, pull skin and hair
i can hear the gunshot ring in my ears
i can feel the world cave beneath my feet
the walls close in and i wonder how i can be so
nothing and everything all at once
the silence, the scream, and the whispers between

and it's the feeling of being alive again
of being inspired
i want to write everything for you
i want to learn how to turn my sour notes sweet
everything seems so bitter in the past
this is something new
this is all thanks to you
i will be in your arms soon and i cannot wait
i cannot wait to sit silently in the same room
i just want to be near you
you are everything in brights in color in music
you are the world as it turns
you are the sun that warms me
you are the adventure, the happiness i've been trying to learn
and i know we're tiptoeing on cut up skin, trying desperately not to fall into the chasm of old habits
but i've got your hand
we can make it i promise we can make it
we will take these broken pieces and build a castle, a kingdom
sentimental streets and loud citizens
so very human
you are the most genuine person i've known, you love completely, you smile a fire, you feel a windstorm
i haven't ever met someone so like me
i can be the high tide, the flashing neon lights with you
i can say i love you i love you i love you a thousand times
my chest warms, swells, i can cry from happiness and not from fear with you
and there will be times when we are afraid, i know, i know
but i know we will get through
this is too good to lose
so i will say, again and again,
i love you i love you i love you