the parts of me that i hide from most people are the parts i need you to see
see me needy, desperate, scared
see me holding onto you like i'm afraid you'll float away if i let go
see me at your feet, see me curled against you, see me needing your affection like i need oxygen
i am not simple, i am not easy, i am not low maintenance
i am not indestructible, i am not strong
i need you to see me needing you
i need you to understand
because i'm not good at asking
but i need the reassurance
i need you to want me for me
i need you to need me because i need you
i need you to hold me please just hold me
tell me you're never gonna leave me tell me you want me tell me i'm good
i will sing your praises forever my angel but please
i need you to see this
i need you to see me

I often feel like the means to an ending
Filling in the blank, the wrong word with the right amount of letters
A shoulder to lean on, tremble though I may
And weak as I may be
I will slide easily into character
I will do my best to be everything you need
But what you need may never really be me

The weights have made their home in my bones again but I feel like I don't have the right to drag my heavy feet
The sun is bright, right outside my window which I crack slightly to let in the breeze
And I breathe the fresh air but it won't reach my lungs
I double-knot my shoes so I won't trip over myself but they still keep coming undone
I try to ignore the thickness of the ink in my veins
The slow drone of my own heartbeat
The thoughts that invade once again

it sinks in when you're gone
the ink wells up again, floods my veins
and i wonder if i will ever really be happy
or just a parasite
feeding off of you
i say i love you and i mean it
i say i need you and it stings
alcohol in open wounds
so afraid you will turn away
and i will be plunged into my ocean again
freezing cold and drowning
when i never learned to swim

I wish I could build myself perfect for you
I'd have the prettiest eyes you could get lost in
I'd make myself strong enough to protect you
I'd make myself everything you need
But here I am
Underwhelming
And my eyes are black
And I am soft to touch

how come the people who hurt us were so close
and you're so ******* far away?
i danced with the devil in the city
but i just wanna hold your hand
we don't need any music if we've got each other, and i don't need to dance
i just want you close to me
the one good thing,
my darling understanding
i just want you close to me
but you're somewhere by the coast
and i'm stuck here in the middle
demons can sun with me by the poolside
i have held my manipulators close
but i can't look you in the eyes without cameras and screens between
and the world seems to be laughing

when we are finally close enough for you to see them
there will be many things about me that you will inevitably hate:
the way my leg shakes when we are trying to sleep, or trying to cuddle, or trying to watch a movie;
the way i am always moving, always tapping my foot or touching my hair, like a moment of silence and stillness is impossible, like the anxiety that inhabits my brain has branched out to possess my entire body.
you will either love or hate the way emotions come over me like a crashing wave,
rocking back and forth when i am uncomfortable or side to side when i am happy,
waving my arms with excitement, repeating and repeating and repeating myself, or the doorbell, or the passing car, or you.
i am a nonstop wind, a room with multicolored lights blinking to varying unheard rhythms, music in my head that only i can hear, rising and flying and falling and crashing.
you say i could have anyone and i wonder if you have ever spoken to me before,
really spoken to me,
noticed the way i grin when i am sad and laugh when i am angry and cry when i am happy.
you say i could have anyone like you haven't seen me living outside of my body, thoughts somewhere in the stratosphere,
like you haven't seen me thrashing and wailing and bruising my skin.
anticipation to meet you aches my bones but i am so afriad
you will meet me like you've never met me,
blinding sun and pitch black and blaring laughter,
all fidgets and fire alarms;
i am so afraid
you will see me, living caution sign, and run.