We play our game
Electric connection, power lines for veins
I'm on my knees, I'm at your feet
You can walk all over me,
I'll be your footstool, your side table,
I don't care,
I'll do anything for your attention
Throw love and money and gifts your way
Show you art, writing, anything for praise
Dedicate a thousand songs to the memories
I'm such a sucker
You're not even playing me
I'm playing myself
This is solitaire
Some ****** card game and I don't have the right hand
I'm chasing my tail to amuse you
Make a million excuses just to talk to you
Drink up your one-word answers
It's my own fault, really
This isn't "our" game, it's my problem
Imprinting and holding so tightly,
Desperate to have you by my side
So you're my star, my angel –
When will I cut the ****?
This isn't healthy
I shatter every time you get bored of me
Crumble before your eyes like my spine just left my body
Too afraid to tell you that it's killing me
Because you're here, now, and I'm so scared to lose you permanently
At least when I play my game you come back to me
*(I don't blame you
All I ask is please
Don't say anything
You don't really mean)

i am tired of feeling this way
& tired in general,
wondering if this new therapy will really help me
and if i process these memories what happens when I experience more?
because I will experience more.
I have a habit of being left behind.
the vibrations switch from hand to hand.
she says I might dream about it –
I don't wanna dream about it –
I don't wanna think about it –
don't wanna feel it.
I don't wanna feel it anymore.

I'm so exhausted of trying to stand on ground that constantly trembles,
shakes with tremors like my hands
like when I'm anxious
like when I think of you
I'm so exhausted and my legs are about to give out
I am crying, clutching onto anything I can for balance
and the earthquake grumbles to me
says to give up
says I was always going to fall through the cracks

I wanna read your mind
look into some crystal ball, see all your thoughts
I am not good at deciphering meaning or feeling
every word blazes neon, colors flashing
I can't make it stop or slow or clear to see a color I could find meaning in
I sit cross-legged on the floor and look up at the neon lights
the rapid blinking raises my heart rate
I should look away
but I am determined to read the sign

I'll cradle the nights
you'd think they'd be less long and lonely with all the stars by my side
but the stars are friends and I'm afraid to reach to the sky again
reach up, let the moon brush my fingertips
I'll care for the nights
nurture them with dreams and sighs
let them drink up the wist
I'll handle the moon
take care of the sun for me

stop take a moment and think
take two steps back
step out of your head for once if you will
do you think, are you arrogant enough to think
this is written for you
into your skin
for your side of the distance?
step back out of your head
selfish, self absorbed
playing games
look at yourself
do you really think you're worth the time?
do you really think you're worth the thought?