Tell me I've gotta learn to take care of myself somehow and I'll tell you I don't care
I fully intend to run away to college and maybe starve or maybe never take my pills or take all my pills at once
Let my life build up around me and drown in it drown in it drown in it
That's all I know how to do
Play in oil and light close fires
Burn up, burn up, burn up

Someday I hope I get to the point where I can be alone for a full twenty four hours without thick syrup flooding my chest, weighing down my heart
It hasn't been a full day and I can feel the overflow as it climbs higher in my throat and chokes me
I sputter for breath, burrow deep in my blankets, and try to escape the lonely

if you find me somewhere along your way, let me know
i think i left me behind somewhere
back on that path, in that past
somewhere between the shopping carts and the street lamp and the long, long drive that lead me here
i'd look to find me, too
but i don't think i've ever seen me before
so i ask you
if you find me somewhere along your way,
let me know

when will my mind stop force feeding me thoughts like poison
like 'im not worth your time'?
when will i mature enough to leave all that behind?
im not sure ill ever ever take a step free of this tether
my mind keeps me ******* here alone
trapped in thoughts, i'm on my own

Erase her curls and hazel eyes and smile
Pour thick black paint over every time I have said or thought [REDACTED]
Whiteout the sound of her voice
Laughing
The sound of her voice
Haunting
Dissect my emotions and pull out the quick anxiety that set in at that concert where I first realized she wanted away
The hurt I felt when she first shut me out
The hopeless loyalty
Take back the drunk texts from that night
And the anger when her boyfriend responded instead
Because can't I get any ******* closure
Pack it all up
The hurt, the summers, the memories
Light it on fire
Watch it burn
Try not to breathe the smoke
Pray the thoughts are gone for good

I don't know I don't know I don't know
Clawing at my head
Picking at my skin
Blood under my nails
I wish I could just know where we stand
What you think of me,  
What he thinks of me,
Does she think of me?
Do they still think of me?
In everything we are and have been,
I struggle to find my place.
*(Maybe I cannot find it
Because I have none here.)