wren cole

wren cole May 2016

drop

my heart drops again into my stomach,
rattling around things inside of me,
rousing a rising nausea.
like a malfunctioning elevator.
someone show me how to fix my emotional hardwiring.

wren cole May 2016

To My Father.

Here, I lay down everything,
Everything you took from me,
Every missing piece I need that I will never have.
Here's every time you made us move so you could keep your habits.
Here's every time I had to leave a "home" when I thought I finally had it.
Here's every breath of cigarette smoke that you pumped into my lungs.
Here's every time you drank yourself stupid and every drug you've ever done.
Here's all of the family vacations we never took.
Here's all of the birthdays and milestones you missed because you just didn't bother to look.
You can have back every stupid meaningless thing you've tried to buy my love with.
You can have back the anxiety you gave me from all of the times you drank yourself shitless.
You took the childhood I was supposed to have and then you asked if you were still my dad.
You didn't pay child support, let alone raise me,
So no, I don't forgive you for the hell that you gave me.

My childhood was thoroughly ****** by my drunk druggie smoker can't-stay-in-one-place father. Also my ****** brother but that's a story for another time

wren cole May 2016

My Childhood Missing Pieces

She takes the hand of the bright-eyed girl beside her
And declares they've been best friends since first grade.

I think back to myself
And I can't even remember
My first-grade best friend's name.
I can go through the list of people I miss,
My dearest of friends from the past,
But when your life is ripped up from the roots every year there's no chance for a friendship to last, so I
Feel these little broken pieces:
Parts of childhood I missed.
The chaos that my father made has somehow come to this.
I can't believe I didn't see you turn sixteen.
I can't believe how many friends I had to leave.
I wish I had a steady past,
A memorable, nostalgic memory,
But everything came and went so fast
And now, I guess, it's only me.

She's known her best friend since first grade.
To whoever you were, now are, out there,
I wish I could've stayed.

Just watched a song tribute a girl wrote for her long time best friend's eighteenth birthday. Not for the first time, I felt my heart get heavy with the longing for a normal childhood. I've known my longest friend since 5th grade and even then I had to move before high school.
I wonder who my best friend was in first grade.

I dedicate this to Cheyenne, Elysa Star, Sharon, Libby, and of course, Merit.
I wish we could've grown up together.
I miss you all.

wren cole May 2016

ideation

If I were dead
I wouldn't long to be alive
Until my chest aches and I feel sick
Obsessing over the time I've wasted
Over my broken glass childhood
Which should have been innocent and bright
But instead stained my rose-tinted glasses black
And I haven't the energy to seal the cracks
If I were dead,
I wouldn't be made of broken glass

wren cole May 2016

baby

you called me baby, and
i started crying again
because i wish you were here
i know in your arms my demons wouldn't stand a chance
once again i find myself wishing
i could've been everything you needed
and that I could've found the courage to say
i love you a million times over
because it's true, baby, it's true

wren cole May 2016

powered on like a switch, split second hit of violence

DEMONIZE ME, MY DARLING, AND I WILL BECOME YOUR DEMON .
I WILL SIT HERE ON YOUR SHOULDER, DIGGING MY CLAWS INTO THE SOFT SKIN OF YOUR NECK,
DIGGING FOR THE NOT-SO-SOFT MUSCLE UNDERNEATH .
I AM MADE OF FIRE AND LIGHTNING,
I WILL BURN YOU UP.
I HAVE TRIED TO KEEP MY PATIENCE
BUT NOW I'M JUST FED UP.
COME, MY DARLING,
A LITTLE CLOSER,
SO MY VENOM LIPS ARE BY YOUR EAR,
SO MAYBE WHEN I SCREAM YOU WILL FINALLY ******* HEAR.

wren cole May 2016

×9:53×

Harsh words whispered across my aching, tired body
Weighing, tying me down
Ebbing away my precious supply of energy
Until I can only stare blankly at the texture of my ceiling