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Aug 2014 · 225
When You Go To Church
heather leather Aug 2014
When you go to church, they say that you must bring your bible
So she brought her Jack Daniels
When you go to church, they say that you must dress modestly
So she wore tights under her two inch skirt
When you go to church,  they say you must have faith
And because she didn't have any she brought the closest thing she had to faith;  her old records
When you go to church, they say you go to be saved but that's obviously a lie because it was already too late for her
She went to church to visit an old ghost she called Mother
Her mother would have her New Testament
And would be wearing a long skirt
And had more faith than the size of the U.S.
When she saw her, her mother would cry and make her feel worst than she already did
That was what the Jack Daniels was for
And her mother would say her skirt was too short and she would argue she had tights
Then in the late of the night, when she would try to sleep and couldn't she would put on her old records
When you go to church, they say you shouldn't be afraid
Obviously "they" had never met her mother
Aug 2014 · 269
I Don't Know
heather leather Aug 2014
The thing is that I don’t know
I don’t know if I’ll ever find somebody who will understand me and forever love me
I don’t know if I’ll end up having my own family and if I’ll live in the big white house with the picket fence

I don’t know if I even want that
I don’t know if I’ll end up an author or a therapist or a doctor
I don’t know if I’m okay, and to be honest I don’t even know the definition of okay
I don’t know if I’m a good friend; I don’t know if I deserve good friends
I don’t know if anything I do impacts anyone and I don’t know why I think and feel this way
I don’t know if I’m going to stop writing all of a sudden and delete this

I am very confused because I. Don’t. Know.
I don’t know if I even have the right to know or if this stuff is reserved for the future
I don’t know if I love or if I don’t and I don’t know what I’ll do if yes, it turns out that I do love.
I just don’t know
I don’t know so many things and I don’t know how I feel about that
I don’t know if I’ll ever live down my regrets and I don’t know if this confusion will ever end

I don’t know if I’m beautiful or even remotely pretty
I don’t know if my friends and parents only say this as an obligation
I don’t know why it matters if I’m pretty or not
I don’t know why I’m so insecure so many times
I don’t know why people who are beautiful say they aren't
I don’t know why I’m thinking so much about what I don’t know
I. Don’t. Know. So. Many. Things.

And I’m okay with that.
Jul 2014 · 295
abandoned stories
heather leather Jul 2014
To tell the truth I don't think that I ever really loved you
And God that sounds horrible
but its true
I think that I fell in love with the feeling of love
if that makes any sense
I fell in love with my heart pounding and my blood rushing to my veins
and that wonderful sensation of elation that happened when I saw you
I fell in love with being loved
And God that sounds horrible
but its true
I fell in love with the short poems you'd send me and in all honesty,
I fell in love with your words
not you
I think that I loved you
but I was never in love with you
if that makes any sense
So, why, do I still feel agony when I hear your name?
Why does my head start to pound when I see you?
After all,
you were only one of my abandoned stories
with a beautiful start
and as always--
a tragic ending
Jul 2014 · 340
Maybe
heather leather Jul 2014
Maybe
Just maybe
if I weren't so broken
and you weren't so naive and clueless
then maybe we would've been friends

Maybe
If you had taken the back seat in the corner next to mine
instead of the front row
and if I had payed more attention and actually cared
then maybe I would like you

Maybe
If my life wasn't as ******* up and yours filled with things other than math
and if I had lifted my nose from a book every once in a while
then maybe I  would notice how you stared at me

Maybe, maybe, maybe
there are too many maybe's and too little time
Jul 2014 · 293
Untitled
heather leather Jul 2014
If you were hoping to fix me,
it's a little too late

and if you thought I would be the girl that ended up being the best thing ever in your life,
well, sorry to disappoint.

and if you thought I would fall head over heels for you
I don't believe in that type of love

And if you think I'm morbid
*just wait and see
idk...don't really like this one
Jul 2014 · 577
Blind
heather leather Jul 2014
they said that everyone else but me could see the light
that held faith, and love, and hope
and i told them
*then consider me blind
Jul 2014 · 729
An Ocean Full of Diamonds
heather leather Jul 2014
She was drowning in an ocean full of broken diamonds;
each shard sharper than the other
cutting into her creamy skin and filling the ocean blue
with a velvet red

But she didn't feel anything,
her body was paralyzed by fear and her lungs exhausted
Yet she wasn't thinking of how young she was
Or all of her hard work
She wasn't praying like she thought she would do in her final moments
because there was something more important than all of that to her
She didn't care what her funeral would look like
Nor what the tombstone would read
She didn't care that she probably had a minute or two to live
In her final moments all she was thinking was

Will you remember me?

Some things fall apart and can't be put back together

Don't let them destroy you, you're better than that

I'm sorry I broke our promise

It wasn't your fault

I never told you, but yes, you are beautiful.

I love you

She had drowned in an ocean full of broken diamonds;
*his eyes were the sharpest, and cut her the deepest
"Right before everything went black...you wanna know what the very last thing that entered my mind? You." --Dear John, Nicholas Sparks.
Jul 2014 · 314
Back Pain
heather leather Jul 2014
I hate when they give medicine advertisements and the announcer says "depressing" as a side effect,
Its not just them saying it,
Its the way they say it
As if it was nothing compared to back pain
As if feeling worthless wasn't that big deal compared to a migraine
As if hating everyone doesn't matter as long as you don't have allergies
As if hating yourself isn't important if you don't have a fever
As if crying every night is totally fine as long as you don't have knee pain.
Well, what if knee pain wasn't the only problem? What if there is something worse in your head that's messing up your body?
I hate when they give medicine advertisements and the announcer says "depressing" as a side effect,
Because the announcer says it in a way as if wanting to hurt yourself and feeling alone in an hallway full of people, and drowning in an ocean full of pain was nothing compared to
*Back pain
It really annoys me.
Jul 2014 · 27.4k
Insecurity
heather leather Jul 2014
I know that insecurity isn't pretty,
*which is how I also know that I'm not beautiful
I don't even know. I saw a poem on how a lot of girls fake insecurity to ask for attention and I agree that it's wrong; but then I thought what about the girls who are actually insecure? So...yeah. Am I explaining myself right? No? Oh well, I almost never do.
Jun 2014 · 2.4k
Excuses
heather leather Jun 2014
“Are you OK?” “Yeah.”
Not really, but you wouldn't understand

“How are you feeling?” “Great.”
Terrible but I can’t tell you because you’d ask why

“Where’d you get that cut?” “Rollerblading accident.”
That’s always the perfect excuse

“Is there anything you’d like to confess to?” “No.”
Yes

“Do you regret anything?” “Yeah, going ice skating.”
Being born.

“Have you felt sad lately?” “No, I’m really happy.”
I feel sad all the time

“Why were you crying?” “Just finished a sad book.”
You don’t want to know

“What book?” “Looking For Alaska.”
The book that told the story of my life

“Are you sure you’re OK?” “Definetly.”
*Definitely not
My first poem like this. I don't know...but it's really hard for me to like any of my poems. Thoughts?
Jun 2014 · 219
Poetry
heather leather Jun 2014
The thing with poetry is when I start
I can’t stop
It’s as if everything I've tried so hard to keep in
Comes tumbling out
And sometimes I admit to things that
I didn't want to
And most times I can’t deny the truth
because it’s written onto paper
With every line comes my undoing
And little by little
I can feel myself breaking away from the ties
That I am bound by--
slowly I am becoming my own person
The thing with poetry is when I start
I don’t want to stop.
(h.l)
Jun 2014 · 231
Honestly
heather leather Jun 2014
Honestly thinking about it,
I didn't always tell the truth
Like when they teased me about you and I lied and said
I'm over you
Or when
You had stared right in my eyes and poured your soul and I lied and said
I'm sorry I don't feel the same way

Looking back on it, when it came to you
I almost never told the truth
The truth held things I wasn't ready to admit and
I still don't think I can
But
I think it would have been better if I had been more
Honest
Jun 2014 · 182
Run
heather leather Jun 2014
Run
I like to run
Not because it helps me think
Or it helps me calm down
Walking
Gives me too much time to think
About all the ways the world is ******* up
When I run
All I think about is
How the flowers seem alive and the cracks on the sidewalk are
Actually beautiful
I like to run
Because when I run
The world that is drowning seems to have finally taken a
Breath
And I’d like to be apart of a world that breathes every once in a while
So one day
I’m going to run.
(h.l.)
May 2014 · 342
Happy
heather leather May 2014
She was supposed to be happy.

Since she got good grades and had friends who cared and about 260 songs on her phone.
So obviously she had to be happy right?

Wrong.

She existed and tried to survive and put on a smile and told funny jokes and didn't care what others thought.

She was supposed to be happy, and sometimes she thought she was but there was always that piece of her that just wasn't.

She tried at least
Lies.
Pure lies

But who cared, right? She had real friends who were there for her and a bright future and about 260 songs on her phone.

She was supposed to be happy.

She wasn't.
May 2014 · 220
Until Then
heather leather May 2014
He was just a boy.

Nothing special. He was just the boy with the dark brown almost pitch black eyes and the soft hair. He was just the boy who only listened to books because he couldn't stand reading.

Nothing special.
Except.

He was also the boy who knew her favorite Starbucks flavor and had amazing taste in music and made her heart race. He was the boy who  listened to all her favorite books and ran track and spoke two languages and was too good for her.

She didn't deserve him. That much she knew.

So when he talked to the other girls and held hands with someone else she didn't complain. She just silently cried herself to sleep and lied and said that nothing was wrong, if she says it long enough-maybe it'll be true.

Maybe.
Hopefully.
Probably not.

Oh well.

She knew there was someone out there who would make her smile and laugh and maybe even fall in love and forget the dark days. She wasn't worthless, that much she knew.

Until then, she wasn't giving up hope. She was done crying.
After all,

He was just a boy.
I Don't Even Know. Sometimes I just write and I have no idea what's happening and then things like this happen.
May 2014 · 344
Ashes
heather leather May 2014
I like to think what we had wasn't a mistake
That it was Good While It Lasted and there is nothing to Regret
But that would be a lie
What we had was bitter and full of
Resentment
We were limiting each other, and we knew
It
Yet there was a twisted sort of love that unraveled and found its way to my heart and when it was over it broke me and brought back tidal waves of emotions; all bad.
I hope you're happy, and I mean that with all sincerity
Make no mistake, I hate you, I really do.
Like when fire slips its guard and kisses water and it becomes all consuming and it diminishes and soon leaves only
Ashes
Ashes and pieces and bitter resentment lies in my heart. I was blinded by hope and tortured by faith.
Still, I hope you are happy, I truly do.
Make no mistake, I hate you, all that ever was in my heart burned and turned into
Ashes
I am only a shadow of the girl I used to be and I owe it all to you.
I hope you are happy.

— The End —