i need to stop setting my frail body alight
to keep you warm within my reach.
when you cant even be bothered
to hand me a blanket at night.

if you look up the definition of love,
a deep affection for someone or something is the result youll get.
but love is more then that,
its tears
its pain
its fighting
its screaming.
love isnt beautiful
love is a war.

if i have to stand in the pouring rain waiting for you, so be it.
but you better bring a **** umbrella its getting cold.

i find myself doing things we once did with him.
and it makes me realize how much of an impact you caused me.
i cant get away, i cant stop thinking of things i said to you that i have now said to him.
youre stuck in me.
youre trapped within me.
and i dont want you to be but its quite a comforting feeling.
i guess i like the fact that i remember.
im not sure
you tell me

for it wasnt you who broke me.
the only fault found is on my own hands.
i broke myself trying to love you, not the other way around. and i do greatly apologize.

i love you more than you know,
and i hope you realize that before i lose you too.

i cracked a smile and told a joke
just to make you happy.
even though my heart was breaking
and my legs were weak.

i can build up any wall and you'll break it.
im gonna start making them out of steal i guess.

i hope my absence brings you the peace my love couldn’t.

heart torn in two,
and all i can do is mourn the thought of losing you.

when will i ever be loved
be held into the early hours of the morning
be kissed with the passion of a thousand suns
be sung to with the sweetest melodies
when will i ever be loved.

i try my best to write my emotions into simple phrases, constructed of beautiful rhymes and rhythms.
but if im being honest my head is full of raging fires and hurricanes.
yet,
the only part that makes sense is my love for you.

i sat, staring blankly into the stars of the unknown.
imagining your arms wrapped around my chest tightly, imprinting my skin with your touch.
trying to feel the remains of your lips pressed against mine as we fall deeper into lethargic slumber.
envisioning your angel sweet voice drifting through the room, only to come back to my ears in a soft and simple i love you.
and so i sit, staring blankly, wishing you were here with me.
but soon my love, soon.

i find myself longing to remember the day you fell in love with me,
rather than the day you fell out of it.

you can come home to me,
when you’re ready.
i left the gate unlocked for you

i go home and weep for you
i rot away in your clothes desperatly trying to get your scent onto my skin
i rewatch our videos trying to engrave your voice into the ridges of my skull
i place my hands the same places yours resided, trying to remember the way your hands felt against my skin

everytime i look at you my heart breaks a little more

yet ill continue to spill my reservoir of love for you.
ill dump it in your darkest places,
spill it in your brightest
ill make heeping piles of hearts, broken and mended.
all for you.

theres a road, i always drive past. full of cars, trees and bushes.
the wind always rustles and the trees always shake.
but the part that stands out is a little red and yellow playground.
stained by shoe souls, and childhood memories.
memories of a first kiss, a first fist fight, a first song, a finale hug.
a tiny playground, surrounded by woodchips and empty sonic cups.
lay abandoned, scattered with past memories.

your absence still hurts.
even after you dug holes into my heart and tore my ligaments apart.
it still hurts to roll over at night and not see your smiling face besides me.
your absence will forever feel forced and fatal.
but it’s what i need.
even though this absence is killing me.

“is it better to speak or to die?”

i’ve pondered this question.
turned it over in my palms, took it apart and reassembled it.
every way i view it,
it is better to speak.

why live your life, if not to the fullest?
why hide within yourself and let what you want pass by?

speak.
and do not speak only when death makes it’s inevitable march towards you.

speak like it’s your last day,
every day.

the world is spinning,
fluorescent day dreams riddle my head.
butterflies land on my hands and speak to me in the most calming voice,
"breath my child, breath"
the deeper the breathes the more they come, singing and dancing on my fingertips.
im safe in the arms of these hallucinations.
theyre warm and soft. like his skin.

as i smell the crystal snow laid in lines across my bathroom counter, i cant help but remember you.
its as if the toxic fumes filling my head are full of your laundry detergent, letting you ever so lightly lay your hand on my shoulder.
telling me youre here, as i hug this straw in my hands. the way i wish i hugged you.

im addicted to you.
so please, give me a taste of your lips.
i cant live through these withdrawls.

i stand in the bustling enviroment.
surrounded by people whoes stroies ive never heard,
never will hear.
rolling wheels and harsh voices fill the filtered air.
hushing mothers, and their crying children.
i stand in an airport, surrounded by crowds ive never known.
wishing to hear a simple story, a little tale.
to know the place i stand

the feeling i get when i look at you, is so overwhelming i fail to describe it. but in this poem my love, i will try.
just for you.

my dear, youre soft like summer rain.
your heart patters again the cage that is your ribs.
knock knock knocking for the right one to find you and mend your broken pieces.
my darling, youre peaceful like the ocean.
your arms hug every inch of me.
blooming flowers against my moonlit skin.
my love, youre gentle time springs wind.
your voice blows beautifully crafted cords into my ears.
drifting angels voices into my head.
my sweetheart, your comforting like the trees.
your smile brings me home each night.
allowing my heart to jump into the arms of yours.
my love the words i wish i could write to you fail me.
but i promise to one day put them all together.
just for you.

forever chasing after something uncatchable.
forever tripping over my own two feet.
pitiful.

youve held me in the darkest days
kissed the screams off my lips
held my shaking hands
glued the cuts on my skin

youre simply the best.
my heart and my soul
my love <3

all i know,
your heart is mended with mine.
your dna resides in the bottom of my stomach.
youre mine.
and all i know,
im yours.

i am nothing in my soul if not obsessive,
and i know intense love will always lead to mourning.
and now what am i supposed to do?

ive always told myself "i can do this on my own."
i can draw the blade and pierce it through the ones in my way.
i can watch their blood pool beneath my feet, and feel no remorse.

but my hands are stained crimson and there are tears in my eyes.
my hands search, not for a blade but, for you.

i do not want to stain your clothes with my past,
but i need you like the air i breathe.

i cannot fight alone.

"Do you love me or do you need me" i asked with a tear rolling down my cheek
and with a wicked gleam in your eyes, you said
"figure it out yourself"

this years curtain call is coming shortly,
and i still wish i could spend the winter months holding your hand.
you know how cold mine can get.
yours are always so warm.

I find myself listening to classical music,
its not as angelic as your voice but it gets the job done.

you always called me angel
so maybe its my time to spread my wings and fly

I bought the legos you promised you’d build with me years ago.
Laying in the dark of your room, we promised it would be our first big set.
Built together.

I will leave the last piece off, incase you ever wish to fulfill that promise.

i got you a present this year,
one i’m sure you won’t receive.

it will sit beneath the tree, wrapped up pretty with your name scribbled in your favorite brand of pen,
waiting.
it will wait until you’re ready.
until you’re able.

maybe it’ll wait until we forget eachother, and it will slowly fade away.

maybe it won’t wait much time at all.

but for now, it sits underneath falling pines,
untouched.