i think its so unfair that you read what i wrote. you saw me say i love you online, but not to your face. don't act like they're the same.

feeling this out and i might be able to write it out before its too late
and i hope i make you feel like this

trying to figure out
how i fell in love
when i was so fenced in
and thought that i was all alone

i built these walls exactly 8 feet tall  
the only one who knew the combination on the wall
the gate wouldn't open unless you broke it down  
and my tears were enough to make you drown

but then it rained
it rained so hard
i was in the pool when the thunder rung
and next the lightning,
it was all the same

i opened my eyes, i was robbed
for my walls were all gone

i guess
you did help me here and there
but you brought up this and that
and the time difference set us off

but theres more to life now
and we cant figure it out
this isnt a movie
or the next episode

and im not sure if i should feel bad because i guess i didnt earn this

taking a little time to myself
hope ill find you in my process

thinking about the time
i saw the curve of your thigh  
turn into something heaven sent
but i dreamt it away
just cause i couldn't stay

and i would be with you
but i got better things to do

wondering if, i can make something so seamless turn reality into a dreamland

thats enough of the talk about it
instead of the being about it

youll never know if you dont try
and keep trying
and if you fail over and over
while people succeed the first time

maybe your just a rare breed
that will make it in time

all the words, punctuation and periods cannot describe the constant feeling of laying on my back and the hoping that i can get back up.
this lack of spine seems to be unfortunate because im not sure if i mold to everyone whose ever past by me. this bone structure doesnt seem to be fairing me while with nothing to work on except the dead weight.

but i thought i thought differently, and saw this sideways when it was right side up laying on its side

if this is a stream of conscienceless then i have to give myself a break
if i keep bending ill just end up out of sorts
and i know i can do this
but i keep coming up short
i have to follow through and finish what i started
it'll lead to something better
thats where my heart is

im ******* ****** and i dont even know it
feeling so emotional but i dont even show it
and if i could get you off my mind
i shouldve couldve wouldve of
but nothing beats the times when i thought youd show up
instead youre too busy liking him
so i mind my business once again
never getting what i want  
just slowly nodding off

and i think you would be more interesting with me
but what do i know
i cant even spit out a word
so soon ill ******* choke on the adjectives and the verbs
nothing new to describe her
except that i maybe kinda love her or maybe im just lonely so ill shut the **** up

sweating out the messes of last night
i wish we kissed but i dont know
you swam around in circles
like an angel floating in my mind
why the **** do you like him and not me

am i alone, am i even here, how do i shake this feeling

i wish you noticed me, but i dont know how to say it

messing up.
this time it might have been a deeper cut.
i was left with scars down my arms, that i thought i could cover up.

i left my zone.
i left the love.

and of course the poem was about you

and suddenly im back where i was before
and you hit me harder than it was before.

im back only for a minute
love to talk even if its just
to get there

its rough like
the edges between us
these words dont flow
but they spill out sideways
and dont miss a thing

watching too many things
pls dont waste my time

the frosted glass becomes clear

and this is all you'll ever hear from me again

i see you scrolling past me
and i see you talking about me
like you know who i am

like you know where ive been

like you see what i see

but you cant even take the picture, imagine the issue or realize the situation

what a waste of that perfect vision

the average becomes the normal and the normal becomes the fantasied. the everyday took to long to grab my attention and I was left on the side of the road. The side that was in the sun, it burned my skin to a crisp and I was only left with the ashes. The ashes that represented the normal, the everyday, the fantasy that I can never get back.

if you dare bring it back, thats unheard of. if you leave it as is your a traitor. something to be ashamed of, you better fix it.

"imma head over in like 10? Are u home yet?"

"lol thats how he sounded w me too"

"Okay when will you know officially?"

"And at first it was more like “first read reactions” but I wanna read it again and actually come more constructively"

"That is not mine"

"Okay nvm I’m at ya house and wanted to see if u wanted to walk!!"

"Hey guys just wanted to let you know that I’m at urgent care at the moment trying to see what’s up with my body I just wanted to give you guys a heads up that I might not be able to make it tomorrow"

"Can we post those photos yet?"

"let’s GO"

"i love it so much so far, like i feel like this fits me so much which i’m actually happy about"

"Perfect! Talk to you then"

the more you know

the less you feel

and the more you feel

the further you go back

into the light

but its so bright

and I burned this house down

moving state to state
room to room
life to life


i wanna go back home

writing in a public space but
hidden behind my screen

no one knows what im typing
and it feels exciting  

like

im doing something bad
in the back seat with you

but your far away now
and my screen is all i see now

falling in loops and doing the same
is just as toxic as what you say

enough if ands or buts
im tired of all the foreplay
get straight to the hurt
and tell me what you regret most

am i the one who drove you off track
is that what i do

you paved the path ahead of you
put in the work
you learned what you had to

i came in and i took from you
is it me?

but maybe everything really isn't about me

crying and laying on my side
watching the city pass me by
i could be living my best life
instead ill stick to these lies

you can tell when its real.
and you can tell when its fake.

maybe both are ok,
you just have to know what you're going for.

when I was younger i fell in a cactus
i had spikes up to my toes and in my ears
i covered myself in glue to get them all out

when im lonely i find myself doing the same
falling in loops
and waking up with your hand on my back

cut, copy & paste all over my body

why is this how it tastes

off topic and out of line
I thought that was the last time
but you were the source
and I was the

nevermind

I think I got off track but I'll bring it right back
and youll go ahead and say
you were first

but I influence you and you dont even know

so stay in that box and stay on track

when everything you want is coming together
and you couldn't imagine it any other way

this is what life is like
on the inside

don't worry baby you are home now
my arms wrapped around you
i hope you feel my warmth and take from my strength
as you move on to the next one

this one will remember you

everyone knew his name
and they tended to prey
but we prayed for him and
we adored him

but did we lead him astray

did we take away his every day  

when this was his last we talked about him
his soul will stay the same

i can't believe I feel like this
and ive been doing so well
yet everything is so glitter and gold
until its nighttime and the demons come out to play

no one sees it
because everyone has forgotten
about what it used to be like for me

but there is no going back
or either side
id rather fall down
then retrace my steps
back to you

not from the guilt.
but from the light.
it glows from all around.
and for some reason.
i cant stop thinking about you.

you never really know what home is until your gone
and you never really know what right is until you make it wrong

i know you dont want me to do this
and you want to see me fall so hard
i never recover

i could never though
too high up
im on a whole another level

just know that i might
because this grass is greener
and the moon is in full bloom

pulling my tides aligned
my life is lined up
the 26th floor
is too low for me forever more

Here on the floor, packing up boxes and taping up my memories. I have to move back. I have to leave this behind. I don't want to though. I can't imagine being around the same people with my old life. I'm not even sure if this new life is more or less, but for some reason my old life seems so foreign now I'm not sure how I can relate anymore. There is still a lot to do but it feels different now. Before my city was a light, but it seems to be dimmed by the great New York. But I mean...what did I expect.

blood
flows
to
my
head

it swells

it makes me bleed

grab the gauze
and wrap me up

this one is bigger than before

i do anything for you

the truth is

i cannot ignore you  

the truth is

im all out of games to play

the truth

is just a lie now

if the saint is the sinner
then who is this angel on my shoulder
telling me to not look back

i have a headache from
the horns growing out of my head
but i look back
and you're there again

the sinner and the saint
a killer deal

they couldn't wait
they took me in
and sold my soul
to buy you

and i was left with a prayer
that one day I can be whole
but we both know that it doesn't work that way

is it an act
or are you real?
you're a character
i wrote
yet i don't remember
writing myself in

ok so i am actually literally really totally

going to make a film

like actually truly make ! a film.

how do u do that

how

literally
how

big room
no one home
you want it
so go get it

big lights
all boast
talking loud
not moving tho

thats a no

i dont care
biggest day ahead
not as big as my ambition
and your determination
and you fight
and you play
but whatever
we dont care

the king of the cul de sac
she stood
the party music played loud
the camera zoomed in
the lights went off
the day really just began
and as she looked in his eyes
she felt
nothing

dodging the titles
and the thoughts of you and
the memories that you killed and the
person I used to be
next time you call
please know better than
to try and be straight forward
with me, nothing like this is ever
real

face to face
face to phone
phone to dreams
is this my reality

curled up on the couch
my life changed
slowly than fast
but i don't want to be here anymore

i thought the city would change me
give me back me the pulse that
used to run through my veins and straight into
your soul

but i cant believe I ever even considered you

SETTLE DOWN

everything you do
can be summed up
to letters and numbers
and awards that they give to you
because you're better than them right?

but i guess it really isnt that hard
i get straight A's and laugh after school at the park
but never to your face

we keep that part locked down
and my writing this poem just shows that
we really are the same

thinking that you know better
you know you do
holding on close
before we let it all go
name on the guest list

but not on my sleeve
never-less my heart

i wouldn't even know you were trying to get in though

hold me cold
dead in the eyes
lost in my soul

heating up in the sunlight
the bright light is so loud
it rings between us  
and makes us feel at home

i cant believe
that i get to live the life of a creative

nothing could have blessed me more
than being able to pick up a camera
and to frame a moment
in any way i see fit

or to pick up a pen
and bring words to life
a way that no one else can