now that
we both know

it suddenly
seems
more sad
more lonely

too real

i think about you
shamefully
when
most likely
you're not
thinking about
me

i think
you don't want me
but
you're too **** to admit

that this was just
something
you saw as a game
because
i'm
not
real
to
you

i know that
i just broke your heart
and i'll admit
that mine broke all over again
even though
it seems to have been breaking
over
and over
for the last 12 years.

i will say
that
each time
it got a little easier.

i saw your tears
heard your voice
with desperation
you
trying to grasp
the end.

for your first time.
and for that
i am sorry

what is
the point

this question

haunts me
every day

why should i
bother

does my suffering
matter

and
the answer
determines
the future

every
single
day

i looked for you

every morning

i sat in silence
waiting for a sign

doing what i can
to hear you
feel you
pull you in

just
give in