The first people to bring you down are often the ones who should uplift you—your parents.
I thought they would understand me, my situation, my hesitation. But instead, I felt pressured.
Pressured to apply for a job when I wasn’t ready.
Pressured to move forward on a path I hadn’t chosen for myself.

Every step of my life has been dictated by necessity, not free will. I took the board exam not out of passion, but because it was expected. I reviewed for it because it was required.
And now, I wonder—when will I be heard?

I think back and realize that the dream I once held—to become a psychologist—never unfolded the way I planned.
Maybe life has been unfair to me. Maybe I have yet to taste the freedom I know I deserve.

My sibling was granted the freedom to choose their course and school without hesitation, while I remained bound to the same institution I had attended since kindergarten, taking up BSEd Education.
I never demanded more, knowing that a psychology degree was expensive.
But when my sibling pursued Radiologic Technology, there were no second thoughts—our house was rented out, and we moved to our farm just so they could study.

The issue was never about the course or the school. It was about privilege.
A privilege I was never given by my parents. Perhaps if I had chosen my dream course, I would be a doctor by now.
I recognize that I had some privilege, but it was never the same as theirs.

Yet, I never complained. I learned to live on my own, to survive in the dark without waiting for anyone.
No one knew that I was already drowning.
They were the loudest pain in the room—present, visible, acknowledged. While I was the quiet one bleeding— ignored, unseen, invisible.

They call me __
They call me bobo—dumb
Tanga—stupid
But that is not my name
That is not who I am

They call me lazy
Kawatan, butbuton, liar
But that is not my name
Do you hear me?
That is not my name

They call me *****
****
Home-wrecker
*****
But that is not my name

They call me beautiful
They whistle when they call me
Hoping I’d turn my head
Hoping I’d notice
Hoping I’d respond

They call me hers
They call me as if I were property
As if I belonged
As if I could be owned
Stop it

Stop labeling me
Stop shrinking me
Stop trying to define me
Stop trying to cage me
I am not yours

My name is Ayna Denisse
I go by Neng
My boyfriend calls me Love
I go by my pen names
yndn, eynden, Eindeinne Moon

So call me that
Call me that, because that is my name
Call me that, because that is my truth
Call me that, because that is who I am
Call me that, because I decide

I am not your insult
I am not your judgment
I am not your amusement
I am not your property
I am not your story

Call me what I am
Call me who I am
Call me by my name
Answer to me
Or step aside

Because my name
My voice
My truth
My power
Cannot be erased

I am Ayna Denisse
I am Neng
I am Love
I am yndn
I am Eindeinne Moon

Say it with me
Say it loud
Say it proud
Because that is my name
And it is mine alone

ilysm, imysm;
I know you know that, I hope you won't forget that
yatoofm, moaol
(you are the only one for me, my one and only love)
you are my 13, my everything
my peace amidst all chaos, my best friend, partner, lover embodied in one
Icwtmy, Iwhyln
(I can't wait to marry you, I wanna have your last name)
No matter how long it takes

Roman numeral III, bae, drop it like it's hot
Life is meaningless without you right by my side,
You are that little kick of darkness in my bright and sunny life.
If this world was mine, I'd choose to be with you
Hold your hand, pull you out from the crowded room
Make you smile and laugh or giggle a little every time you are feeling blue
You are my baby panda, my clingy and needy lover
What would I do without you? What would my life be without you?

The only factual information I know is,
God will never let someone else take your place;
He will never ever let someone else come in between us, to separate us.

Because I chose this life, to be your permanent love in this life.

For your information, my eyes were never sweet to look at.
You might get scared, so don’t you dare look at me like that.

Oh, my dear, sad black eyes—
They can light up the moment I see you again.
But don’t expect an apology when these sweet, innocent eyes
Shift into the fierce gaze of an eagle.

The devil tried to harm me, but he couldn’t reach me. So instead, he went with Plan B—brainwashing my cousin’s empty, lifeless mind to ruin my reputation and fracture our relationship.  

Go on. Dare me. Challenge me. Are you sure about your decisions? Did you really think I would break the moment my bond with my cousins was shattered? Think again.  

I can live without them. In fact, that’s perfectly fine because at least I’m still whole. What matters most is myself, so why should I even worry, right?

You should be worrying about yourself, instead because,

Everyone already knows the kind of person you are, and they’re all on our side now. What you’re doing right now doesn’t define us—it defines you. Your actions speak for themselves, and they paint a clear picture of who you truly are.

There is nothing I can do about it now
Go on, give it your best shot
Hit me with your worst case scenarios
You thought so, I might cry, nope.

Why are you so assuming? So your arrogance can actually get you somewhere after all.
Instead of using your brain, why did you use your intimate area?
Maybe that itch is too hard to scratch after all

Oops, how about your future daughter-in-law
She was untouchable, I never even laid a finger on her
I never even talk to her if it is nothing important
I only converse to her when I am bored
Too sad, she is never important on my daily life

They all **** up my energy
They keep draining me

I'm not mad, just venting out
I spread no hate or evil deeds, just ranting out.

I freed myself for a day, cleared my schedule for you
Yet you are not cooperating with me.
Tch. It does not always work that way. I hope you know that.

I gave contributions out of my partner's pocket
Just to contribute for this event
But it made me feel like I was the one at fault
I never told you to carry all the burden of spending too much beyond your means
But later on, I lose the interest to go on and attend the event
To let everybody know, you're the hero
You try to showoff because you contributed a lot

I hope you should know that
I cannot contribute more than what you expected me to give now
Is it too much to ask? A peace of mind is what I needed.

Why does everyone avert their gaze the moment our eyes meet? Do they sense something lurking within me—an inner demon, perhaps? Or is it that, in facing me, they realize I am neither saint nor devil, but something else entirely?  

I am a soul reborn, a human renewed. I turned away from deception, abandoned falsehoods, and embraced the truth. And maybe—just maybe—that priest saw it too.  

Did he sense a demon in our midst? Or was he standing before something far greater? He never flinched, never dodged our silent battle of wills. Perhaps, in my presence, he saw not darkness, but light so blinding it threatened to consume him—so brilliant it exposed the shadows within his own soul, leaving him unable to tolerate me at all.

Perhaps he forgot—forgot that I am, indeed, a being of duality. Light and dark, saint and sinner, fire and ice. But the difference between us?  

I chose the good side. 
Or maybe because when light enters a dark place, it forces a reaction. That explains it. When you look my way, I never hesitated for a second to look at you, straight into your eyes, looking for a loophole into your salvation or groundbreaking, then I smirk and you look away.
 
Why flinch? Why avoid my stares? Satan is among us, but it is not me you're looking at, maybe because he was what you were looking for, you heretic buffoon!

And maybe that’s what unsettled him. Not the presence of a demon, nor the radiance of divinity, but the sheer reality that I stand at the crossroads of both—aware, awake, and unwilling to be swallowed by the darkness he hides within himself.

You were so quick to judge last night,  
singling me out from the crowd,  
asking about my boyfriend’s faith—  
as if his beliefs could seal my fate.  

I said, "No, he’s not Catholic."  
And without a second thought,  
you declared my life in danger.  

So swift was your verdict,  
yet you never even asked what he believes.  
Tell me—are you certain I’m the one at risk?  
Or have you simply met your match?

I guess my poems no longer excite me
to write another one and post it once again.
I'd say goodbye to my childhood house that I lived in for 25 years.
I am saying goodbye to my room whom I gave so much memories to.
I am leaving this neighborhood and never come back.

unlimited talks, adding or subtracting words

ooh, do you know what you are
what I saw in you
You felt like the cockroach of the sea—oh no!
You are the cockroach of the land—black, white or brown
I might be ready to squish or stomp you up, but still, whatever I do, it still keeps you alive, awake, kicking and enthusiastic

But truly sweetie, what defines you? A disgrace to the community—and that mouth of yours is a disgrace to my family as well

Let's save these dramas for ourselves now, shall we?
The worst is yet to come
I'm not done yet, the show is not yet over
I'm just warming up, I might go over next for the exciting part

You made me hate you—despite that, I pity you!
For all the cries and the untold stories
I pity you, not for your experience—but for how pathetic you are to gain or earn my trust
I helped you, listened to your pleas
But this is all you gave me in return

Your presence, existence—is nothing but a social scourge
An epidemic, an illness, a pest, an addiction, that even any medicine to cure cannot prevent it
There is no such thing as a remedy for an incurable disease like yours—An addiction you bring is never tolerated

That even your efforts and intentions are even questionable
Maybe you were a broken record—repeating lies and spitting spew into me
Well, I breathe in and out the fire of the level of your innocence

Well *****, don't look down, I am not there
Look up, heads up now, front and center
Look into my eyes, let me see your sincerity

Maybe you forgot, even if you keep denying it
The truth is always there, ready to be found when I am effortlessly not looking for it

Let's establish some rules, yes
For this staring game, I am all in
Lay all the cards on me, deck it now and let me tell you your future
Time will tell, yes, along with it, comes your fate
A shadowy figure, holds its scythe and wears a black hoodie while its hood is covering its face is now pointing you
It says to be a grim reaper, your time is up, old lady
Pity or not, you will experience an awful hell of a death

But, I don't want to scare you or burst your bubble
God sees the truth, but waits because He knows when to attack

I keep silent, revenge is for Him to do and not mine
I might forgive you, for my peace of mind
I might forget you, I hope so
But never what you did to me

It caused me hurt and pain, wounded scars of my unforgettable battles never won
It caused me trauma—got mistaken for something I never did

Labelled me as a thief, what else can you give me? Is that all?
Give me your best shot—bang me with the problems and issues you cannot handle well
Well, I handled worse

Reveal to me the ***** linens of my past—I am no longer afraid
God knows me well, dear—but you don't
God knows me and my whole life well—you just saw my life in highlights,  reels and teasers but never my whole story
I got used to it by now, I dealt with things on my own
Faced my demons and ***** on my own
Is there anything I cannot handle well? Even If I look at myself in the mirror, I saw my brave reflection who is now courageous enough to face the imperfect world

Oh pity! How about you? Your experience is much more pitiful than mine
So, you keep exposing my ***** linens, well, don't worry about it, let me expose yours too
Too sad, you married a narcissistic man, you are such a weakling when both of you ran into an argument
But oh boy, you loved the thrill when we have a feud, right?
You had an introvert ******-up son with his ****** girlfriend with mommy issues
A social climber, a leech to **** off your wealth
Oops, you are not even wealthy, right? Your American husband is only the one  supporting your ******* in life, right?
Don't make me push the buttons too much to expose your *****
So that you can still redeem your head, when you walk to town.
Your opinions of me are invalid, only God's criticisms are valid

I chose to walk away, white flag is waving now
But honey, I learned—to choose my battles and you are not one of it
Never worth it.

What pushed you to do it?—trading our imperfectly perfect family to your comfortable life there
Alright, It will be alright
I just wanted to redeem my peace of mind back
But you keep pulling my last strings

I didn't mean to curse you or have my hopes high
I still prayed for you—to see the brighter side
Since it is always greener on the other side
We don't need to be bitter with anything that's been going on here

I never stole anything—just like how you accused me
Maybe your mind was too shallow—too in deep to not understand that there is a huge difference with the unbiased, baseless information and a research-based with proofed information

I thought you were a liberal arts graduate, but your mind was never too liberal
You messed with the wrong gal, pal
But I might just let it slide for now
Because I just want to be a good girl for now—but not for long, mate
Even my kindness has an expiration
So, for now, I would just tolerate your ****

But bad move, you reacted in such a bitter way immaturely
When you made a stupid decision in your life, we helped you
I know, we know, help is never a two-way beneficial process
But when we made a stupid decision, you reacted in a rash and harsh way

Guess who is a rabid dog now
I chose my battles wisely—I react when I want to, but this, is never a wise decision to agree with in the first place

When you and your narcissistic husband fought like cats and dogs—he threw away your things out in the streets
You dialed my mother's number and called her, asking for help
My mom helped you process tour documents, just so you could be with your American boyfriend when your annulment was approved

Now, you look at us like we were so capable of ruining your life, of wrecking havoc to your belongings
We would not do such a thing to you—but you hurt my mother's feelings, you know
I hope you would find it in your heart, one day
My mother is imperfect, but what you said harsh towards her, might leave a scar for us not to trust you once again

I am praying earnestly that, one day will come
when you will be deported or if your American husband will die
or if you want to come home here in the Philippines

While your son was no longer there for you, since he only used and manipulated you
We were there before, but we can no longer promise to be by your side once again

Like I said, you cannot find trust in the same person twice.