Azzanette: Poems

#70

Azzanette May 2018

#70

I can feel myself falling
So slow I don't notice it
So fast it makes me dizzy
I don't know what's happening or how I feel
All my sense disappears in a second
It only takes one smile, one touch, one kiss
Suddenly I'm under your intoxicating spell
Staring deep in those big eyes
And all my walls are torn down
I feel the peace I crave when you're near
You take all the old pain away
Then fill me with passion until I burn
It has me feeling like I'll never get enough
Makes me abandon my rules with recklessness
I'm terrified, but I can't help myself
You'll break me and make me cry
I know you will
Cause when there's fire you're bound to get burned

I was right

All I Have

Azzanette May 2018

All I Have

The days drag on.
Each one harder than the last.
Each one taking a part of me.
Now I have nothing left.
Nothing left but my own reminders.
Show a smile.
Give another laugh.
Make a joke.
Say you're fine.
Just a little while longer.
All these things I have to tell myself,
Or else I'll forget to live.
Though it's not much of a life.
Just a show the world sees.
Just a show I put on until I'm alone.
Then comes my reality.
The darkness that spreads through my soul.
The grief that overcomes me.
The tears that flow until I run out.
The desperation to feel anything but this hurt.
The hope for numbness to come back.
Such a grim life,
But its all I have left.
Everyone has left like they said they wouldn't,
But I'm never alone.
The dark hole that commands my life is by my side.
Through every heartbreak, it never strays from me.
It stays always and embraces me with its pain.
It's all I'll ever have.

Dad

Azzanette May 2018

Dad

Don't say it.
I can't hear it.
I won't be okay.

Don't take me back to my pain-filled past.
Back to that little girl pretending to be asleep out of fear.
Back to my life being changed forever, night after night.

Don't make me think of the absence.
Think back to that foolish teenager happy for a second chance.
Think of the heartbreak caused as I was disappointed over and over.

Don't say it.
I can hardly think it.
Tears falling down my face.

Just a word.
Made of three letters.
Just one syllable.

How can a word cause so much pain?

Hate

Azzanette May 2018

Hate

Hate
It trickles in slowly;
Subtle like a robber in the night.
It fills my body until I can feel it vibrate in my bones.
It makes a stranger look back at me in the mirror.
I hate me.
I hate her.
But most of all, I hate you.
Hate
It takes over me.
It threatens to bubble up at any mention of you.
It makes me want things I never have.
It ruins my life.
You ruined my life.
I hate you.

I'm Gone

Azzanette May 2018

I'm Gone

How can you say those words to me?
The ones that break my heart and soul.
The ones you know will **** me every single time.
How can you act like everything is okay?
Like we're the picture perfect family.
Like our life isn't crumbling down over us.
How can you make our life seem so great?
Faking all the love and happiness on the internet.
Faking all the support when you call me your rock.
How can you not see you're losing me?
That with every mean word, my happiness is fading.
That with every time you put me down, I'm drifting away.
How can you think I'll take care of you forever?
That I'll keep lying to you and say everything is okay.
That I'll keep telling you all the things you need to hear.
It's too late.
I'm gone.

Memories

Azzanette Apr 2018

Memories

Memories haunt me without mercy.
So many memories of you running through my mind.
The way you'd look down at me with those big eyes;
the same eyes looking at her now.
The way you'd tell me I was your everything;
the same words she's hearing now.
The way you'd do such sweet sweet things to make me smile;
the same things making her smile now.
The way you'd go in my arms when you needed comfort;
the same way she's giving comfort now.
The way you'd kiss me hard and desperate after every fight;
the same lips pressed against hers now.
The way you'd touch me until I was desperate for you;
the same touches she's feeling now.
Memories are all I have.
You were mine, but now you're hers.
Memories are all I have now.
You're gone and you're not coming back.
Memories are all I'll ever have left of you;
driving me insane until I'm gone too.
Memories are all I have left of who I once was;
someone I'll never get back.

My Sun

Azzanette May 2018

My Sun

I was lost in a cold, dark place wandering around, never quite sure of anything or anyone.
  Then he came into my life so unexpectedly,
making me question everything I felt.
  With him came so much light in my life,
like the sun coming out after a rainy day.
  I tried to pull away and stay unattached;
the only way I know how to protect myself.
  I was so afraid of getting hurt I almost missed out,
but he pushed his way through all my walls.
  With every smile, kiss, and sweet word, I fell deeper,
until there was no denying the truth.
  I didn't know how deep I was in until it was too late.
  Now he's all I think about and everything I want.
  I tell my heart to stop needing him so much,
but the time to not care has passed.
  He's already ingrained in every part of me,
and I need him as much I do my next breath.
  I'm scared to death he'll leave like everyone else,
but I can't help but come alive with his every touch.
  Deep down I know I don't deserve his love,
but I'll take it as long as he gives it.
  I'm in way over my head and I savor every moment of it,
because ******* this boy is my happiness.
  I love him.

This Game Called Life

Azzanette Apr 2018

This Game Called Life

She was never lucky in life;
her broken heart proof of it.
I watched her break time and time again.

Saw her hate directed at herself;
the only victim around.
My weak arms the only comfort she'd ever get.

Watched her try to drink the pain away drink after drink.
But the only product was her inner demons screaming;
unleashed by the alcohol running through her veins.

The drive her to the brink of madness as she falls into their traps.
She walks around like a zombie;
a fake smile plastered to her face.

If she could just see all the love we have for her,
but she only sees false faults and unworthiness within.
That's the way the world beats down the unfortunate.

Slowly killing their chance for love and happiness;
laughing at the struggle to just get through the day.
They shatter into a million pieces strewn across the ground.

We watch our loved ones as they fall to their knees just wishing we were enough to help.
But no one wins in this game called life;
least of all those poor, lifeless souls.

For my mom who IS enough.

Untitled

Azzanette May 2018

Untitled

Was it all a game?
Did you ever love me?
Did you ever mean what you said?
So many promises.
"Forever and always baby."
"We're getting married."
"It's just a break so I can find myself."
"I still love you and I always will."
"I just don't want a relationship."
So many ******* lies.
Did you know you were breaking my heart?
Did you know you were adding onto my pain?
Did you know you were stealing that last bit of light in my soul?
You had to have known after everything I told you.
"I feel so hopeless and empty."
"I've never felt so alone."
"I just need some answers."
"Please just give me a reason."
"Be here for me like you promised please."
So many pleas that fell on deaf ears.
Do you care that you broke me?
Do you even notice that I'm gone?
Do you ever think of me and wonder if you made a mistake?
I guess not, because you're still gone.

Untitled

Azzanette Jun 2018

Untitled

They asked me today why I let you break my heart over and over again. They asked me why I let you treat me so badly and still begged you not to leave. I stayed silent.

How could I make them understand that I'd rather bear the pain from your love than the emptiness of your absence?

Untitled

Azzanette May 2018

Untitled

You say how happy I make you, but I'm still scared.
How happy will you be once I open up?
Will you still want me when you see my flaws?
Will you judge me when I tell you my mistakes?
Will you leave me when I've become too much?
How can I trust you when I've never had love from a man?
Can you make me forget all the bad before you?
Can you show me you're not the people who've let me down?
Can you prove I'm worth something to you?
I hope you can, because I can't help but fall.

— The End —