Natalia was mean to me,
I was 11,
I was 13,
Teachers said to stop flirting,
I misplaced ideas of what that meant,
I am 32 and Natalia is married with 2 kids,
Is it supposed to mean something,
Aging emo,
Codependency was never cute,
But at least they made some good records,
The records I am making were
Best broken bottles setting scenes at 8 am
Sober and spiritual,
Non chalant locked in battle
With too much chalant,
Writing letters that transform and terrorize,
Just to get the cathartic release,
Putting those letters back in the ether box,
They were never said,
But they were,
With glances and bad motives,
Harping on that embarrassment you felt,
After shouting into that flooded storm,
Yes,
This is loneliness,
This is the late night doom scrolling,
The early morning speed dates of pictures and one word pick-up line,
I should be further,
I shouldn't feel this,
******* crazy,
Misguided meetings,
Modern motivation through justifications,
I'm definitely going for the meditation not the manipulation
I accept my feelings after dizzying candlelights and a shouting mind,
But just because I accept feelings,
Doesn't mean that they don't ****,
"Who knew sobriety would make you so suicidal."
I guess only the ones who made it far enough to feel those unaccepted feelings,
The sun still rises,
Better come up with a better pick-up line.

I've idealized you,
Making something false true, Thrown into a stew, Of falsehoods that feel new, I would have given the moon, But now I must look at the reflection in the pool, And admit I was a fool, So off my chin I wipe away the drool, To forever love something ideal, So how will I know what I feel is real?

I did it again,
letting myself fall in,
before learning how to swim,
learning by now should have come fast,
but looking at my track record of the past,
I failed,
Meeting you again after the years swam by,
it was a beautiful lie,
that I was hoping rang true,
after only talk for a few days of talking to you,
I watched the walls fall into my hearts blue,
why was it so easy?
to let them fall,
but your smile made my heart stall,
like a tripped up teenager again,
I wanted this to be real, this beautiful sin,
I could have been less cheesy for truth,
but it came naturally like kissing in a phone booth,
and it spilled out in ways I hate,
saying your beautiful too early instead of late,
this sick feeling for someone I hardly know,
guess its time to go,
and start placing the bricks,
so my hopeless romantic side doesn't show.

I saw him at the bar,
ordering the drinks that I order,
he's spilling drinks with my friends,
but I keep drinking alone at the bar,
he danced and said things that made 'em laugh,
I say that they aren't laughing with him,
but I keep drinking at the bar,
he smiles and waves and I think I'm gonna puke,
I fill up the sink and my head tossed in,
look to the left and see him again,
head in the water too,
I think why does he look like a clown,
take my head oot of the water and see,
a reflection of a clown staring at me,
I take another drink at the bar alone

I'm done trying to write,
So I'm going to write.

I kept searching through a
catalogue of memories,
And soon-to-be's,
Trying to find some great metaphor,
Or situation to use,
But it became borderline self abuse
Trying to find non-cliche *******,
But I'm done trying to right,

So I'm going to write -

'I miss you'
and well, the real question is
Who the **** wouldn't?

Your eyes hide a lot kid,
And that's what makes you frustrating
I can't tell if they are clear or fading,
But I kinda hope I never learn
So it forces towards me to discern,
If you really choose comfortability
That's ok lady gaga because your poker face
will never outpace your smile

That smile gives away more than your eyes,
The sudden urge to not when you know you're speaking beautiful lies
It shifts when you need to look away
And it's because you have to wear it every day
It's easy for someone to miss
the subtle ways.

And you, you're as subtle as a chainsaw,
To the people that actually see you.

It's quiet in Phoenix,
Ain't no cars driving down,
Even the crackheads are tucked in,
It's only midnight,
And birds confused,
Sing far away songs,
The crickets forgot what day it was,
And wont stop a chirpin,
Old texts and dogs barking at tumbleweeds,
But there isn't any wind,
A plane makes more noise than my mind is,
And that's alright,
Air conditioners blast their melody,
While the lone car,
Confused at which street to take,
I say outloud, "I guess none of us really do."
The loneliness is fading,
With streetlamps wondering what's it's job,
Don't worry,
Just keep doing what you're doing,
The porch light dies,
And what's left,
Just them dogs,
And the crickets,
Goodnight Phoenix.

I waited,
at times I debated,
feeling like a teenager aboot to go on their first date,
I had work the next day but didn't care if I had to stay up late,
it was going to be the first time I saw you,
and nothing was going to stop me,
it was an electricity that I couldn't put down ,
and my breath was gone as if there any need for air,
I saw you
and I couldn't help but stare,
the night was slow but gone to fast,
like trying to remember a face from your past,
I need you is all I could muster to say,
and I won't call tomorrow a day,
how could I when I won't be able to see your smile
brighter than the sun,
so I will keep tonight inside my heart but never oot of sight,
I'll say that I still have walls, but that is a lie,
Like headlines written in the night sky,
of my life,
you have become permanent.

You asked me why we couldnt have met ten years sooner,
and asking if maybe you should go,
but I say no matter what I know,
I'll love someone I cant possibly be with,
you virtually hold me tight and tell me,
"it's alright"
I wont let go and I want you to know,
even if I am naive,
I dont want you to leave,
I want another text saying, "Its ok"
it will be ok even if we dont want it to be,
I danced with fire and I kissed the ice,
I'll say it thrice,
I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
but it wont change the miles,
and it wont change the mean whiles,
just dont let go and everything will be ok I swear,
because as a sweater I'll wear,
your messages and your love,
and be comfortable as the sunrise begins to show its face,
on doomsday