She is my best friend
The one girl who has always loved me and never left me
My side kick in crime
We stalk the cold streets at night
She has held my hand she has wiped my tears and
She has kissed me on my cheek endless times
Showing up at her doorstep ****** and crying
Had another fight at the house
She never judged me
She is there for me an I am there for her
We know no different
From punk kids to young adults
We still howl at the moon
When were drunk and not giving a ****
She is my best friend
The one I can count on when things in life
When things in my life don't seem right
I am her best friend
I have held her hand I have wiped her tears and
I have kissed her on the cheek endless times
When she is feeling lost and hopeless
She gives me a call
I fly I run I transport
I'm there
We are best friends til death do us apart

I see you in pictures of days long gone past
I see you when my eyes are shut
Whether a place a smell or a song I see you in my mind smiling bright
At night when I'm blessed enough you visit me in my dreams I tell you about  my adventures  my happiness and my sorrows
Sometimes you appear just for a quick grin and warm embrace
I look into your soft eyes I stare at your face I miss your ear to ear smile
I want to cry scream yell shout smash just breakdown
Questions left unanswered things you didn't get to accomplish
A future he didn't get to live a life not fully lived
An age he didn't make it to
The plan was to grow old witness our lives progress
Watch our children's children grow
Soo many things left undone untold
I will forever treasure the memories we shared together
Whether we are happy mad or sad in our hearts you will never be last


A 2009

She doesn't deserve the tears that fall from my swollen bloodshot eyes.
I don't deserve the overwhelming burning pain I feel in my chest.
I wanted so badly so desperately to believe that this time it would be different.
I thought she was sincere when she held my hand.
What happened to " my heart to you?"
We use to spend endless hours together, nothing else mattered.
Now it has become a vast empty space, nothing seems to fill this void.
Nothing but lies when she spoke of sharing our lives.
I hoped it to be true, but here I am standing in a puddle of sorrow feeling lonely and blue.
Disappointed in myself for holding on to false hope.
She made me believe in her, but all my heart does now is bleed for her.
She doesn't deserve the tears that fall from my swollen bloodshot eyes.

Eight years ago this weekend
My innocence was stolen
My childhood had been lost
I had been robbed of the one thing every girl can call her very own
Nothing pure left except the tears on my pillow
A unknown
A figure in the dark came by force and took it all
Took the only real thing I can call my very own
No longer a fresh blooming flower to offer
Only fifteen years old with an every girl teenage dream to give it to my chosen future lover
Broken dreams
My innocence stolen my childhood lost
Taken by a figure in the dark eight years ago this weekend

I feel like death is standing over me
A half filled glass of tequila, the worse killer
I tried drowning out my sorrows
I took a dive in a half filled liquor bottle
The sounds the images the memories will not drown, they've learned to swim
I cant drink quick enough
I am like a fish out of water
I gasp for a drink as I struggle to swallow a fresh breath of air

A 2013

The joke was on me all along
I was blind to the signs and deaf to the reasoning cries
Yet I can not become numb to the pain you have inflicted on my wounded big heart
A fool for wearing it on my sleeve for all those to see
It must have caught your deceiving little eyes because you came and took it by storm
You ran fast with it in your hands
You thought you would try me out and take me for a spin
It all happened so quick the I love yous and want to be with you
I should have known they were just empty words coming from your red hot lips
You are the snake in the tall grass
You slithered your cold blooded self into my heart only to rip it apart

Little sad girl please don't cry anymore
You are young and pretty, don't you see?
The sun is shining and the birds are still singing
The world has not stopped living and neither has your little big heart
Listen carefully and you will hear your heart is still beating
Little sad girl dry those big beautiful eyes of yours
They are making you blind to all that will make you smile
The flowers will always bloom
The sun will rise and the sun will set
The moon will brighten up the night skies with a bit of moonlite
Little sad girl please take a closer look at what we call life
I know it can seem rough but that's what makes us strive
Little sad girl look at the world and smile

I run and hide inside a place I call my head
I stay for hours in the surrounding walls of my mind
Escaping to a forrest of random scattered thoughts
that float in and out of space
For each one I capture I make there cage a blank sheet of paper
A display of words forming sentences created by my thoughts
Go ahead and take a peak
You found this old journal sitting in my room cluttered amongst my books while I wasn't there
Even though it clearly said in bold black letters Do Not Read you went ahead and turned to the first page
Instant break of a unspoken trust
My feelings, memories, moments
My thoughts, dreams, emotions
My love my loss my heart break
These were my private things and not for you or anyone else to read
The only thing I can honestly call my very own
My innocence my childhood the only thing a young girl can call her very own was stolen was taken a long time ago by a figure in the dark
This is all I had to call my own

Instead of focusing on the negative aspects of my existence,
Why not highlight the positive?
I have a good paying career that I continue to strive in.
I have a warm safe place to rest my head.
I share a home with a young woman very dear to my heart.
I am well taken care of by her.
I have food I have a car I have clothes and fair health.
What more do I acquire? It seems sufficient enough.
I am not mean spirited I am not cruel to others.
I treat others with respect.
I am caring and compassionate.
I have friends that love me family that loves me.
I have a dog who adores and loves me unconditionally.
There is large amounts of goodness I overlook because
I am too focused on the bad.
It is easy to lose yourself in the darkness but
There is always a flickering light to show us the way back.

Thank you for nothing because that is exactly
what you did for me nothing
Except leave this burning hole in my chest
that causes me pain every time I take a breath
It has become a constant reminder
that most of us will always live in pain
**** it hurts but I will not cry
I hate that I let you steal all the light from my once bright life
Its been nothing but cold and dark
Since then I have been struggling to find my way back through the blinding darkness
Crawling on my hands and knees I don't want to get up and continue to fall anymore
Sad to say that I feel safe on the cold wet floor

A 2013

It makes my heart skip a beat every time were in the same room
Not a hi not a hey how you doing
Nothing but the shrug of a cold shoulder
She struts she taunts
She really must think she's hot stuff
All I want to do is **** on her already lit fire
How dare she say she misses me after she took it upon herself to simply nonchalantly dismiss me
I never meant a **** thing
She carries herself around like queen b
I must of never realized that I was just a mere peasant in her heart break kingdom
Never one to beg steal or borrow I thought I could do without

A 2013

From one girl to the next nothing seems to change but her face and name
Their all the same with their hair makeup and fake fingernails
They deceive without remorse mislead with false hope
Fill my head with their lies
Always coming to me with their fake cries
Their quick to flip a switch and turn their backs
Good at playing the part
Nothing ever took place
I'm nothing but their ***** shame
Straight girl was never really that way
In the public eye she's all about the boys and guys
Behind closet doors she wondered about the girls
I make it easy
We play hard and fall hard
Straight girl was never really that way
Quick to flip a switch and walk away

she might have broke you
cursed at you
put her hands on you and harmed you
physically and mentally she tried destroying you
down that dark road you lost a piece of who you were
im here to tell you that i would never do you any harm
i want to help you find your way back
find that once bright light you had in your life
she might have told you were worthless
but to me your more than worth it
she said you could never do any better
i want you to know that you found someone better
i am the last person that will make you cry
if anything i want to dry those beautiful sad eyes
you ask yourself why, what did i do to deserve such cruelty
its not your fault, you are not to blame
she was sick in her twisted ways

At first I was upset
At first I did want to cry
I could feel the salty tears wanting to form in my eyes
I swallowed hard I held it down
I wanted to apologize but then I thought why?
A thousand times she has hurt me
A thousand times she has made me cry
I was not about to apologize for finally speaking what was on my mind
I had lost my voice but it has returned
I want to shout hear my roar!

Your wounded but I don't think you are broken
The scars your wear are invisible but they are there
At first glance I would never be able to tell
Your walls are up
You have hidden your fragile heart behind barb wired barricades
Its okay, I am in no rush
Ill patiently wait for you to let me in
I promise I am here to stay

I felt my heart break into a million little pieces each one carrying a feeling a memory an emotion
I could not catch them quick enough
I felt a sucker punch to my stomach
I couldn't breathe I gasped for air yet I do not want to be alive
I felt my tears forming in my eyes
I felt them stream down my rosy cheeked face like a flowing river in the summer
I felt my body shake and crumble
I am no longer the brave person I once knew anymore I have become lost

I grew up knowing I was different from the rest
As far back as I could remember
I knew I couldn't change it
I knew I wouldn't change it
I accepted who I was who I would be
That from the beginning mattered most
Everyone else's approval would have to wait
One look at my appearance said it all
It was never very well hidden
A contributing factor for when I finally said it
It came easy like a ***** roar
I came out and stood out
I would forever be proud

My best thoughts open doors
While my worse thoughts shut them trapping me inside
Il take the light il take the dark
On cloudy days I beg to be numb
When it does occur
The empty numb feeling swallows me whole
I am quick to cry an ask to feel something more
I do not want to be numb because
My best thoughts open doors
The light pours in and I can feel the rays of the sun kiss my skin

Two girls two hearts two different lives
I do not want to break any hearts
I do not want to ruin any lives
I can't say one is better than the other
But I know I love one more than the other
They both have my heart but I can only have one
Trying to do without my selfish ways but
All I can do is think about myself today
I want to say **** love but I need love
I need her love I need their love
I am lost because I can only have one
I am not one to break a young woman's heart
Things get real and one has to break apart
It is not just one heart but both our hearts breaking apart
I am not very smart when it comes to this thing called love
I use to play hard but I know I just fall hard

At a young age I discovered every child's nightmare
When I was born I was going to be put up for adoption
Growing up after I found that out
I told myself to be better than the rest
It was always repeating it in my head
I didn't want to be my mother's regret
Too much pressure for a kid only going on ten
I tried my hardest to be the best
I wanted my ma to be thankful she kept me instead
Now a days I feel I like I failed and I'm just like the rest
In her eyes I feel like I am a hot mess
All I ever wanted was not to be her regret
It hurts to wonder if she really feels this way
After all these years she isn't aware that I know the truth
I wish I could tell her that I am not failure
But my actions speak louder than my words
I never intended to be this way but I stumbled along the way
Still making a recovery
I guess i have to accept that I could possibly be my mothers regret

I feel drained of life, like who pulled the plug in the bathtub?
Just like an empty tub I am an empty shell of a human being
with nothing left to offer any longer
Where has all my love for life gone?
I use to be a soaring bird with beautifully colored feathers
that shined bright in the golden sunlight
I've lost my color I've lost my shine
I feel as if I'm becoming a ghost of the past
I'm dark and grey, a flightless bird
that now sits on a perch with broken wings a broken heart and broken dreams

When I arise in the early mornings
I eagerly look forward to writing several curious stories
When I go to bed at night my active mind runs wild with new poems
I have all these wonderful ideas
I can not put them on paper quick enough
I tell myself I need to invest in a tape recorder
I find that when I am driving in my car
I have some of the best creative thoughts
I can not get it all on paper quick enough
If I did not write I would be done with
My closet is full of skeletons but amongst all them there is stacks of paper and pen
Notebooks and journals from way back then
When I die I need them to know I existed

Next month its my good friend muddbutt's death anniversary
I remember when I first met him
What a first great impression
With each passing visit he became a closer friend
From a brother to the end
He is now an angel flying in the heavens
A victim to a gruesome hit and run
He was taken before his time was up
But in this life god takes god gives
I hate to question why
Never any answers only tears in my eyes
They say not to stand at their grave and cry
We had lots of good times
Swimming at red rock diving off rocks
Hitting up girls to come and hang out
He was always one for an adventure
I miss him everyday and I wish we had time for one more muddbutt adventure

She hides her crying face behind her cold and shaking hands
She hides in pain she hides in shame
She doesn't want the world to see her this way
Begging to the night skies that someone would wipe her falling tears away
She closes her weeping eyes and dreams of a time when she use too smile so bright
What happened to all the sunshine that once beamed in her eyes?
Her once infectious laughter has become a whimper in the darkest of shadows
Where is the little girl that use to play in her sundress on the most rainy days?

Your Passion is much like a burning fire
Hot to the touch and fueled by love
I only hope I can give you enough and so much more
Because you deserve more than this world
Your kisses are hot on my lips
My body temperature rises
Third degree burns when you touch my body all over
Forget a cold shower, I love the way it burns
You make my blood flow, I can feel it boil
But not out of rage
More like your red hot passion
It sets me on fire
Blood, sweat, and tears
I love the way you make me feel
When you whisper I love you in my ear
Our love is like a burning fire
Hot to the touch and fueled by our endless love for one another

In this all too small world of ours, some times two individuals as hard as they try
Are just not meant to be
In our situation this was the case
I truly felt like the odds were against us
I hate to admit it because in my sick mind I wanted it to work out so badly
But the sad truth is that it was beginning to become toxic
Toxic to the feel toxic to the touch toxic to even just the thought
We were drowning in our love sickness
I am still struggling to breathe even now
My **** heart is to big for my chest
It has since then become swollen with emotion
I am treading water in a pool of sorrow
I hate to play this broken hearted card
but this is the hand I have been dealt

When I say something sweet hoping it will touch her guarded heart
I panic when I hear no response
When all I see is her empty blank stare
I hold my breath
I almost wish I could take it back
I think was it too much?
That's the problem with my wandering thoughts
I sit and ponder
I dwell
It's not that I am insecure but I am afraid of loosing her
A four year crush
My one true love
The idea of us seemed so much safer

It might not carry much with it
But I still believe, I still feel "my heart to you"
And for me that will always carry a feeling
That night in the naked darkness of my room
Legs interlocked nothing else mattered but you an I
And not even the stars were as bright as your beautiful big brown eyes

As selfish as it is we shouldn't be angry at the people we love for taking their lives.
Their pain was too great that nothing could help it.
I feel like that sometimes.
This God awful emotional pain that feels like it is eating away at my soul.
Nothing can fill that void of sadness similar to a black hole that swallows what little happiness I  have.
Not all the money in the world could buy me happiness.
The girl of my dreams not even the girl I am in love with could save me from my darkness.
My ma, my real life superhero could not bring light into my dark life.
Why go through life feeling this way?
It is an invisible pain that no one can see or touch.

This is what I have been patiently waiting for
Here is my second chance
I can not let it slip through my nervous hands
Not this time
I am going to do it right
I will not fall into temptation
I will not commit any crimes
I will do it right this time
She is the love of my life
I want to hold her hand
Kiss her beautiful soft lips and never say goodbye
She is the love of my life
I would be a liar if I said I was not scared
Scared to bare my soul
Scared to give her my all
But I am falling head first
Praying that she will break my fall

It's a sick love affair
An abusive relationship I ******* beat her
It never fails she is always there
Telling me begging me saying babie just one more won't hurt
But it does I should have known better
Most call it alcohol but she calls me her one love
Just like the bob marley song
I rather smoke a blunt but she insists I have another shot
I take her by the handle
I put my thirsty lips to the bottle
Down goes another
She has me ****** up because in the morning my head pounds
A sick love affair my girlfriend can't stand her
She becomes upset when she catches us together
She is my other lover but I'm trying to end it with her
Both jealous of each other
I know who I want and its not the bottle
I use to love her but I can not any longer
**** that love affair
I want my real love sober and alert
Tired of those foggy mornings
Wondering how I got home
Too scared to answer my phone
I rather hide behind close doors
I want to be done with those
**** that love affair I am telling her its over

I look forward to her sweet love an affection
she is better than any drug I have done
she is the greatest natural high
I never want to come down
I fein for her 24/7 I suffer from withdrawals
I can never get enough of her
my family and friends don't understand
they call it an addiction I call it a love affair
she is the beautiful girl I dance in my dreams with
she is the special girl I share my secrets with
she is the intelligent girl that helps solve my problems and tame my inner demons

She Doesnt see it but i hurt too
Everyday its a struggle to keep a fake smile plastered on my face
like "hey everything is okay"
When the truth is im breaking down on the inside trying to hide my tears and all my fears
Im broken and there isnt enough glue or bandages in the world to put me back together
She had become the mold that kept me all together

All my tears are gone and all my thoughts are lost
This is me turning numb
I am not a failure but life has failed me
Mentally drained emotionally rotten
There is nothing left of me
I desperately want to be forever happy
But unfortunately for me happiness is only temporary
I am physically free but my mind remains a prisoner of misery
She must enjoy my company because she is never without me

My heart is heavy with emptiness
I can't promise her change I was born with defects
to save her the grief I told her I won't stay
Why put ourselves through this awful game
It's not that I don't love her but I always hurt the ones I love
I rather not waste her time and make her cry
I'm not worth it and only I know it

When she smiles, the way she does
when she looks at me
I feel warm inside
all those same  butterflies arise
and I feel myself becoming lost in her sunshine

She danced outside under the light of summers full moon
Her majestic body slowly swaying to the soft music playing on her old kitchen radio
Her bare feet in the grass and the earths damp soil in between her paint chipped toes
Beads of sweat formed and trickled down her beautiful brown face
A gentle breeze swept through the summer night and through her flower patterned dress
What a lovely sight for sore eyes
A fallen angel from heavens grace dancing to the soft music playing on the old kitchen radio
Adored by all she had not a care in the world

The dagger you have left in my ****** broken heart
Has become the sword in the stone

Too many secrets to whisper into your wondering ear
Best stored away behind sealed lips
I promised I would never tell

My voice is there I just forgot how to use it
all I had to do to escape
to express is utilize paper and pen
I get my point across better this way

We are all beautiful creatures
dancing in open fields
With flowers in our hair and stars in our eyes
Dancing to forget all our sorrows
Lets live lets love lets all be one under the hot rays of the sun

I skated, i went fast I went hard
I went crashing I was pretty ******* intoxicated
I thought I would get a drunk in public
I ate **** at the intersection
A lost drunken cause
Road rash and scars
Each one has a story of its own
I'm becoming grown
But I'm still that same kid they have always known
I'm a little older but I can't say I have gotten any wiser
Drunken and scarred
One look at me and you would think I've lived a thousand lives
I've seen too much in my lifetime
Dead bodies in river beds
Who is responsible for a homeless man found dead?
Society doesn't care I guess nature did them a favor
I was almost lost to a speeding car in the dark
Under the tires I went screeching brakes
I made out alive and here I am living on borrowed time

When it is time to finally let go
When it is time to forget her and move forward
I know it can sometimes hurt
But it doesn't compare to the pain she has already caused
I am getting better I am becoming stronger
I had become so lost in her fake love
I can now see her for who she truly is for who she truly was
I fell in love with the girl I hoped her to be
I fell in love with a girl that never existed
But I am getting better I am becoming stronger

Let me read just one more poem
Then I'll turn out the lights and go to bed
Just one more poem
They inspire me they move me
They make me want to cry they make me want to shout at the moon
But let me read just one more
Then I'll turn out the lights

In the past, I did my fair share of twisting the glass pipe in between my ***** fingertips
Countless bottles pressed to my cracked red lips
White lines disappearing into rolled up hundred dollar bills
I swallowed nameless pills
But you know what, **** those thrills
Nothing but cold sweats and body aches
Headache kills
Disease filled vices I thought I needed to help me get through the crisis

Take it all
Take my heart
Take my love
Take my soul
I don't need it anymore
These are the things I can live without


A 2013