A rose
Given to a lover in a time
Full of joyous happy days spent together
All the while she watches the beautiful symbol of love
Wilt on her window sill
Memories come flooding back of him.
And all they love they shared together.
Months pass by
He is no longer her's.
She hides the rose from her right.
New lovers come and go
Just as the seasons pass by
She finds it one day,
Crisp, fragile, and aged
Time has not hindered its beauty.
Once more she is reminded
Of the love that died.

I am writing this now, in some early morning hour, because sleep evades me.  I’ve been awake so many hours that time itself has little meaning anymore. I quit. There's no other way to put it. I just give up on trusting the human nature, on words, on promises, everything. Promises, once perceived as a sign of trust now erode away into hallow, empty lies that stab at my heart. I believed them. I was actually stupid enough to believe all those sugar coated words about caring, and guiding, and family. It’s all lies now. The soul of my being, everything I know can now be called into question. I can trust no one, everything’s a lie. I'm not sitting here writing some pretty little suicide note. I’m past that. I’ve grown up to see you can’t always take the easy road out and I’d sure feel sorry for the living soul that my black spirit would haunt.
For all you novice readers this can easily be taken as a story of heart-break; in an all-so cliché girl loves boy situation. But for those of you who can read into my words that I am spelling out so bluntly, I apologize; for I am once again telling my little sob story to anyone who willing to listen.
To begin this lovely tale you must know I've always been more comfortable when in the company of guys rather females such as myself. Whether it be the drama soaked lives or the shallow personalities all dressed up in makeup, I'm not sure. But I've always found guy’s emotions to be more reliable than girl’s. But hey, after recent events I'm beginning to question my own judgment; maybe I can really trust no one other than myself. Anyways back on track.
As in most situations of such heart-break and defeat, this tale begins with the typical boy likes girl story. Skipping over all the heart-warming details this relationship ends, like every other. The only difference this tale offers up is that their friendship remains in-tact. Not the awkward I’m-just-saying-this-to-make-breaking-up-easier friendship either. A real one. Time passes, they become best friends, and ah, another problem arises. The boy is unhappy being alone. With this knowledge in mind the girl searches for a mate for her best friend in an attempt to make him feel complete in ways she is unable to. Love. Through searching for a relationship for him, the relationship grows even more and the girl learned to feel safe and secure. Something she hasn’t felt in a long time. This brotherly love shown to her only drives her more to make him happy. Finally a girl is found. With a bit of help this boy and girl fall for each other and the friend, me, watches happily from a distance. The boy is happy. The girl is happy. I am pleased with my actions; I have successfully helped another friend. But hey, remember this is reality. Of course it cannot remain this way.
The boy starts acting different towards me, all obsessed with his love, but I ignore this knowing that all relationships have their puppy-love stages. He promised he wouldn’t abandon me, he promised he wouldn’t hurt me again on purpose. I believed him, but he lied.  Time passes and patterns don’t change. This boy, who I once thought was different in every way, is acting like the rest of society. Losing him. I'm losing another friend. Again, this time is different. I've put so much faith into him, my trust, secrets, dreams, fears…everything. I thought he genuinely cared. I start acting strange around him, he only grows more distant, so I put on a mask and hide my true emotions. He’s happy why ruin that. I don’t want to lose him, I don’t let him see. Time passes. He asks her out. They are happy. He tells me this gleefully and I feel my heart-sink, putting on a mask once more. I can’t do this anymore, he is gone.
I wrap my mind around this and once again taste the bitterness of karma working in reverse. What have I done wrong now? My thoughts expand. What have I ever done? Memories come flashing back, all the similar circumstances, the sting, the pain. I try to breathe but I feel the cold truths stabbing at my heart.
‘Everything is just peachy’.   I hate that phrase, but use in my messages to see if anyone can see I'm not acting myself, see past the mask. They cannot. I vent to two close friends. The first ignores my cries and tells me about her trivial problems and the second proceeds to show his immaturity, for he does not understand my strife. I cut myself off from the world and cry hot burning tears into my pillow, muffling my sounds in the plush.
People only care when they need you. They are kind in their time of need but when their own lives are running smoothly and they no longer need you they leave you. Does anyone ever check to see if you’re okay? Of course not, this is reality.  These revelations are not anyone’s fault. It’s not the boy’s, it’s not the friends’, it’s not the media, it’s not society, or even one definite cause. The only reason this story was told was to set the scene so you understand the premise of the initial spark for these thoughts. These events, that cause such pain, arise from a part of the human nature that I try my hardest to avoid, self-centeredness. Now I don’t mean the self-centered actions you’re thinking of. No. it’s far more complex than the shallow-thirst for popularity. It’s the tendency to worry about one’s own problems and not another’s. When you have all you want why worry about other people? This natural course of human emotions ceases to sicken me, as I now realize I am the victim of such actions. No, I am not some self-praising idiot; I admit that I have hurt others this way in the past. But from my point-of-view I have a pretty compelling case. Everyone just wants to be my friend right? Others call to me in times of need and then abandon me, calling it friendship. In the past I haven’t realized it more or less because there was little bond between myself of these people. After years of repeatedly getting my kind acts thrown back in my face, I choose to give in.
This last series of events has forever changed me, and now my eyes are open. Today I am done trying, and I am giving in to my human nature, becoming a self-centered person, free of everyone else’s burdens. I quit. Open up your eyes and see who you can call your true-friends. See past the illusion. Please, wake up, your dreaming again. But see, I don’t have the ability to dream, for I was always awake.

Pain
A single word
Short and sweet like the events that
Precede the emotion
An emotion
Invisible to all eyes
Except the one it is home to
Eyes that are as blue as the ocean
And as captivating.
They have to be mysterious
Deep, dark, and elusive
Eyes the
Window into ones heart
Not mine though.
My eyes lie
Deep enough to drown
To drown the emotion in
Dark enough to hide
The tears that rain down
To wash away the pain
They lie to save others the
Pain, of bearing my blue memories
Eluding others
Who are too blind to see the tears
Hidden in my dark hue

The essence of one's soul
Soothing, cleansing,running
Freely down the cheek
Allowing one to release feuding
Thoughts held inside.
A sign of weakness
To the outside world
Even though everyone has to sometime
Alone in the dark,
Crying to herself
As she tries to forget the pain.

An eternal hunting ground
Of memories
Fresh with the day's discoveries
Thrown all around
Buried in the depths
Only when being orgnaized
Are the puzzle pieces found.
A fragment here
A shard there
Broken dreams hidden in the mysterious shroud of
Splattered blue
Only when the messy discard of thoughts is organized
Can the door to the future
Be formed
From misellaneous thoughts
Collectively pointing down the right path

The sun setting in the East
Sparkling silver lining spread
Across the edges of color
Layering the clementine sky
Creamy daisy,
Heating up to orange,
Then the red-hot center.
Cooled only by the expanse of salty spray
Allowing for the mellow shades of
Rosy pink cheeks
To flush the clouds,
Then shy away into a lavender
And sapphire night sky
The iridescent shimmering
Lunar bliss.

The summer moon glistens white rays,
After an endless day of sweltering heat kissed the Earth
The sweet scent of thick cut grass flows in the breeze
As dancing fireflies and adventurous souls travel in the night
The music of the stars fills the young heart with visions
Of different worlds far across the oceans in the east
Filled to the brim with warm internal thoughts
With only a smile upon her face to prove it
Her heart races as she longs
To see everything under the sun
Hand in hand with her lover

Swirling, dancing emotion drenched
Hues
Licking the pure unscarred ground
Behind them a trail of unmistakable
Blue
Falling raining
Splashing sound
The only noise to be found
In the colorless room
A dash here
A line there
Her story told through
A swift movement of the hand
An expression of the mind
Silence of the tongue

Coming to an end
But hey all good things must
Short and memorable like a song.
Even after it's over the words
Echo in your mind.
Leaving you wishing you could hear
It once more.
to fall asleep with your
Headophones on, that one song on repeat but
No matter what you do
Deep in your heart you know
No other song can satisfy the cravings
You cry
Alas it was a song on the radio
Streaming through the hazy summer day
A name you never caught
Looking back with longing
You hope to find that song once more

Gray and faded
Cold crisp edges
The crunchy of fallen leaves under our feet
The only warmth found here is a
Chic charcoal coast fastened with bulky brown buttons
My milky vanilla bean coffee
And your hand holding my own
A shy smile given to me as you glance over
And brush the hair out of my face
That had been misplaced by the cold winds
In that moment
The clouded skies and birds heading south
The foreboding winds and icy water filled with fallen gray hues,
Even the scent of my favored drink
Escaped me as time froze
In the dark world around me the only color i found,
Was deep within those espresso bean eyes.
Captivated in that moment, I couldn't move
As his soft lips embraced my own
Oh sweet satisfaction.
Just as i went to kiss his back
I shuddered awake.

I asked if it was night
and he replied ney
he untied my blindfold
and showed me the day.
The dead leaves around me
contrasted the sky
but amongst them appeared and adorable guy
He asked for my hand
a date would you please
I froze and said yes
may love set us free

I lay there,

Hand entangled with his

And we watch

As the specks of light go in and out of visibility,

Too this day I question if,

They really are just masses of fire in the night sky

Or passed on souls smiling

On young lovers such as him and I

White dust seems to come in with the breeze

Slowly as first then we watched

As the moonlight danced in the wind above our heads

Time began to freeze

He gazed down at my head resting on his chest

Soft hands moved golden hair out of my face then

A gentle kiss is shared

Though the night was cold

I could feel the spark in my heart

Warm every inch of my being

Although it could’ve just as easily

Been his arms wrapped around me

I open my eyes

Regretting my very actions

Alarm clock blaring

I try to forget the dream I awoke from

And just as I went to kiss him back,

He led me to the grass and we watched as the stars

Dance above our heads.

My eyes grew weary and I lay my head on his chest

And listened to his hearts beating

The more I listened to his

The more I wish I hadn’t

Trusted my own

He was broken, like I had been not so long ago

We stood up and he left me,

Just as I had left the boy who chased me down on the beach

At this point I don’t know what to feel anymore.

The moon is gone, but the twinkling stars gaze down on me

Making my tears glisten in the grass beside my head,

At least he won’t know I'm hurt, he doesn’t need the guilt.

I lay there drained, saddened

My heart has no power left to pick me up

So I lay under the stars

And fall asleep to the universe whispering in my ear

I wake up dazed and confused wishing the hazel eyed boy

Was back at my house

Holding me

Making me feel secure

He does come back

But not in the way my heart longs for him to

His broad smile unravels the desire for a friendship

I can’t say no to his simple request

And numbly talk to him

Though it burns me so

We talk as good friends do

And he returns home

The numbness doesn’t pass

As I talk to a newly acquired “bud”

We discuss the wavy haired boy in great detail

My new friend tells me stories that make my head spin

I feel like I didn’t know the boy at all

Guess people change when you see them in the light

But my heartstrings tug at me once more

I remember his gentle side

And I find myself fighting against these stories

Trying to convince my mushroom friend that the other side

Of the boy exists

But the icy truth grips my emotions

As I realize I can never call him mine again.

My mind freezes up once again and I feel the numbness return.

I try to carry on talking to the smiling boy as if the stories I heard

Had changed nothing about him

But cannot

I look at him from this new point of view

But love him still

Because now I know he really is just human

Not perfect

But strong enough to live life with his imperfections

I am greatly comforted at knowing these things about him

But am continually attacked by the

Fact that I can’t call him mine ever again

Though I’ve told myself this repeatedly  

I blindly follow my heart,

Trying to win him over once more

The universe tells me I'm just going to end up getting hurt

Pursuing a lost cause

But I reply simply that getting hurt is part of the adventure

And the universe smiles

Allowing me to chase my desires

The sun peeks through my window to a new day

It’s not the end, it’s a new beginning

At first the light burns, from being held in the dark for so long

A voluntary imprisonment

Because that’s what I thought love was

The white light starts to warm up my soul

I smile upward knowing,

This moment was a sign of approval from the universe

I’m finally doing something right.

I go for a run and feel the country breeze run through my hair

I miss the ocean, the place I left to find myself

But now I have found myself

I can smile without the pain

Of missing the one I loved hiding behind my teeth

I confuse myself and continue on running

I don’t want to start over again

I don’t want to repeat the same pain I endured, only

A few short months ago

Why risk getting hurt?

I tell myself never return to the sanctuary again until I’m sure I'm ready

Little did I know the universe was listening to my thoughts,

And disagreeing with me

“Running away, making it to the beach, it was all an adventure

Where’s that sense of adventure that used to spark your heart?”

It died I told him, along with my heart itself

And the breeze brings in a storm as he laughs

“Part of the adventure is not being prepared.”

I return home again and once more sleep, safe and secure in the place I can call home

And the storm passes over

I won’t allow myself to return to the ocean

But a dip in the pool is close enough

All the friendly faces

This is my second home

With that thought I smile

A boy lets me go ahead of him

And lets me jump in the water on his word

Deep under the water I think back and let out too much air

Because I surprise myself,

I felt that tug of adventure seeping back into my heart

I get scared and sprint away from the feelings

Bury them on the surface, contemplate them in my mind

“No, no, NO!” I don’t want this happening again

But he’s so cute!

My mind plays tug-a-war with itself as I play it cool in front of my friends

Hiding my insecurity around him and get lost in a workout routine

The more I try to hide it the more I realize that I can’t lie to myself

So I try to see him

And the universe sends another storm

I was angry at first because I was trying again like he wanted me too

But then I realized I also had to wait

And so I did

Mulling over my thoughts I feel like an idiot as revelations occur in my mind

The sanctuary is not a place,

The sanctuary is not a boy

The sanctuary is my ability to create passion in another’s eye

It is part of me

This thought scares me and I'm glad the universe made me wait

I’m glad the universe made my heart break

All those endless nights I spent

Creating rivers with my eyes

I’m glad for the fear of starting over

And I'm glad he made me return home

Because without all this happening I would’ve never found myself

And I would’ve never returned to the sanctuary

Or found it in the first place

While bearing this in mind

I smile up at the white moon

Then get kissed by the boy who’s making me start over again.

And just as I had thought all my problems were solved

He dropped me

The smile fades from my face

And that glistening happiness leaves my eye

I was wrong

Laying there with my face in the sand I deal with the pain

What else is new?

Bitter thoughts returned, “I told you so” they sneered

I wipe the blood from my hands and the sand from my eyes

And re-organize my thoughts

How could I have been so careless?

He had a hungry heart but an empty mind

But all I saw was someone willing to hold me.

Guess this place really was just a fantasy told,

To those stupid enough to believe it

I walk alone along the water’s edge and throw stones

As tears start to burn my face and cloud my vision

Once again I find myself laying in the sand thinking, looking, wandering

A heavy sigh takes away the burden of my past love

As I tell my story to the ocean

It sways and crashes as usual

I laugh at myself for expecting a response

No one hears me anymore

So I try again this time talking to the moon

As I finish telling my tale

He hides his face away behind the clouds leaving me in the dark

Again I laugh

No one cares

But saying what has happened, hearing myself talk

Helps ease the pain

I hear the sound of quick feet behind me as yet another boy approaches me

In my unstable mood I tell him everything

Finally what I’ve been waiting for,

Pity, sorrow, someone else who can relate and give me security

As he goes to wipe the tears from my eyes I apologize

And start running

Leaving him in the same pain I'm feeling

I'm sorry but it’s too soon to start again

As I deal with the guilt of causing someone else pain

I start a journey

I realize I’m not ready to be on the beach

And I must **** up my pride and return

To the place I left, in my haste to get here

I was wrong

I was blind

I come through the front door expecting hatred and get hugged

I was loved

Why would I throw that away?

I cry at my lack of inexperience

And lock myself away in my ocean of a room

Return to the thoughts

Return to the memories I tried to run from

And embrace them

Look for the universal meaning for their occurrence

Then I sleep

The iridescent moonlight glistens on the wet sand of the shore

Cold, salty water licks at my toes as I walk

My legs resist moving as they cry out in pain from running

But I ignore the discomfort and continue on my way

My legs are used to running

I’ve had to run for as long as I can remember,

Away from all the pain and rejection in my life

Other times I’ve had to returned home

To the same hate and lack of understanding thrown in my face

I’ve always had to stay there because I had nowhere else to go

But this time it’s different

This time I’ve run farther than I ever imagined I would,

To a secret place only a lucky few will ever find

I was told about this sanctuary

But never truly believed it existed

Unrealistic, like a dream, I was certain I would never find it

Yet here I stand on miles of beautiful beach, far away from home, alone with my thoughts

So far away that no emotions can cause me pain here

A cool ocean breeze makes me shiver as I finally regain my breath

Waves crash only a few feet away from me

Salty air sprays in my face

I glance up at the moon and stare for a few moments before continuing on my way

A hand slips into mine and I whip around in shock

The moonlight shows me an angelic form

Soft brown locks blow in the wind as hazel eyes stare into my own

My heart starts beating faster and faster

I am dazed, confused, tripping over my own words

Love, but it can’t be

A mistake surely…

For no one has ever loved me

I try to speak but white crashing water takes away my words

And leaves me with my thoughts

I have been running all my life, and I have found the sanctuary,

But how is this boy leaving me feeling more complete

Than I ever was lost in my subconscious?

My thoughts are broken

His hand leads me by the water’s edge

A cloud of logic returns

“This can’t be real” “You don’t deserve him”

Words of reason begin racing through my mind

And he stops once more

His hand neatens a piece of my hair blown by the breeze

My heart beats again faster, faster, and faster yet

And before I realize it he has left me with a kiss

The words “catch me if you can” linger in the air

A smile creases my face, the first genuine smile I’ve had in a long time

I ignore my thoughts and listen to my heart,

As I chase down the handsome boy that has left me questioning everything

I slow down and loose his tracks as the beach ends

I am left alone with palm trees and sand dunes

My thoughts catch up with me and I panic

And just as I begin to believe this all was fabled up in my mind

An unseen force tackles me to the sand

On my cheek kiss after sweet kiss

Until I can bear it no longer and kiss him in return

I feel my life flash before my eyes

Every memory, every last painful memory is relived

And I bury myself in his arms to hide from the pain

I am left bewildered, wondering why I am so saddened

Then it cuts me like a knife

But pain runs deeper than cuts, pain is in the mind

I realize I have never felt such sincere compassion before

Not from friends, family,

As this new sensation runs through my veins

His strong arms carry me away from the shore

Another revelation occurs inside my racing mind

The sanctuary isn't my beloved shore

It is found within him.