When I'm feeling frail
Or even full of anger
The pen meets paper

Even if its a few words
Or just a measly scribble
It makes all the difference

Maybe it's the quiet
The solidarity
A time to reflect

Could it be the escape
Into my dreams
And creations

Or is it simply
The smell of the ink in this cheap pen
That feels like home

I'm scared to pick up the phone because if it was you I couldn't get someone to lie and say I am in the shower.
If it was you I would have to decide if I wanted you the truth,
to ask you why it got like this
It scares me that although I seem so sure that I'm okay to ignore you, that I don't need you,
it still bothers me that you haven't talked to your daughter in over a month.
Did you even care at all or did you just feel obligated because I'm one of your kids?
Are you just occupied with other people now, so you don't have to go to me?
And I can't call you
because I like that means you've won.
Proving that I need you or something sick like that.
That I caved first.
But I won't.

All of this is so broken
All of it.
And no one wants to cut their hands trying to pick up the pieces,
it may never get any better.

I don't even like the word never! Yet it seems so appropriate because I don't like this at all.



No
                     NO
                                           Stop this heavy hurt.

Or at least.....
                          *call your daughter

Oh little one
How you close your eyes
You sleep so sound

Not bothered
By outside noise
You can rest

You worry not
Of foolish things, like me
Your heart has peace

Sleep, Sleep
Oh how I wish to be like you
Little one

The songs of my heart
The words of my soul
Inside of me is
A whole other world

One page of a novel
A second of a movie
I tell you so little
You don't really know me

You could walk in my shoes
And see through my eyes
but still you could not feel
The things I feel inside

I'm hurting, Lord Jesus
   But you bled more than I can know
I'm foolish, Lord Jesus
   But you payed for my mistakes
I'm angry, Lord Jesus
    But you are the King of Love
I'm restless, Lord Jesus
    *You give my soul rest

Brick by brick
I've built my castle
These stones as cold
as my poor heart

These walls as tall
as my hopes once were
Now they dwell
deep in the trenches

On scarce occasions
when trespassers roam
The gates are locked
and I'm safe (and lonely) inside

I was lost
I felt scared
Seemed liked no one else cared

In my own skin
I felt ugly
Hated every part of me

Fed deceiving lies
Thirsting for perfection
Tried to fix my body
Ended in destruction

Lonely in a
D
  o
    w
      n
        w
           a
              r
                d
                      s p i r a l

Needed to be saved

a quiet in my head, the words are left unsaid
and sting on the tip of my tongue
the tears have dried and salt stains my bruised cheeks
I don't want to eat
I don't want to see
my eyelids fall and I descend into a dark hole
the looking glass into my soul, with a blood-stained lense
I struggle for air, my veins are stretching ready to tear
I don't even care
take this pain far away, let me go to my escape
I need a pause -- an extra five
I'm struggling to stay alive
my back lies on the cold ground
I don't hear a sound

It scares me
the thought of a boy
like you
and a girl
like me
I'm scared
I don't want anyone to love me
I get uncomfortable
because my thoughts are
just daydreams
but with you it
could be real
Maybe that's why we always
pick the wrong ones
     stupid girls
we're just afraid of true love
why?
I couldn't tell you
I feel it
but I don't know what it is
Everytime we talk
I'm waiting for something
to go wrong
but you're just so wonderful
It scares me
but at the same time
I think
          *this could be love

Lord I know you've got my back
When my dry ground begins to crack
*you send the rain

Her we are tonight
The moon is shining bright
My worries out of sight
You're holding me so tight

As summer turns to end
This place has been our friend
  It has a scene to lend
And love's around the bend

Your fingers through my hair
The secrets that we share
A sweet kiss if you dare
I love how much you care

As moon on water glistens
We sit here and just listen
The earth will sing her song
And we will join along
And sing it
*Love love a gift from above
Earth earth oh what are you worth
Without love love love

Time
Giving birth to space
Time
I wish I could erase
Time
An undetermined pace
Time
The trouble we create
Time
Time
Its all mine

99 bottles of emotion on the wall
they're all full to the brim
sometimes the get shaken up
but they seldom get opened up and poured out
except when dumped on the pages of this notebook

Sitting
Thinking
My heart is sinking
Tracing fatal lines across my mind map
And I'm hitting a lot of potholes
because no one ever tends to these rough roads

Its been this bad
Once before
It scares me to think I might be going that way again
It scares me to think of the mess I'm in
It scares me that's it's all come so fast
It scares me to think how long this might last
I'm empty inside
And I cannot hide it
Weeks ago I could not stop smiling
Now I'm barely crying
Has all emotion left me
Except this ache
This ache deep inside
It makes my muscles shake
An people stare
They're worried
I may seem angry
It not your fault
I am really sorry
I'm trying to be happy
Tomorrow I need to talk about this
Or soon
I can't sleep
You ask if I want Tylenol
But pain killers won't **** the type of pain that's killing me
Oh please
If only I could have a good cry
To let some of this escape
I can't stay awake and I can't sleep
Why does this always cut so deep?

With the scars on your skin
With your soul wearing thin
All the places you've been
I love you still

With the hurt in your eyes
With your fear of goodbyes
Every time that you cry
I love you still

With your delicate heart
With your mind torn apart
I will never part
I love you still

With your aching soul
With your empty holes
When you're losing control
I love you still

With you life turning black
With you wanting you back
When your heart starts to crack
I love you still

With a smile that fades
With the choices you've made
When your hopes float away
I love you still

When the mirror
Tells you lies
Every time you
Turn and hide
The Lord is still
By you side
He wipes the tears
From you eyes
When you hurt
On the inside
When you're lost
And can't decide
When you're scared
You're terrified
Trust the Lord
He'll be your guide
His arms are always
Open wide

I was lost
I felt scared
Seemed like no one else cared

In my own skin
I felt ugly
Hated every part of me

Fed deceiving lies
Thirsting for perfection
Tried to fix my body
Ended in destruction

Feeling lonely
When I was among friends
Always tired
But I slept so much

A vicious cycle
A downward spiral
I needed to get out!

Oh Lord you saved me
I was ready to give up
I Turned away
For so long

I came back
But you were there all along
My mistakes
Your saving grace
You are my new hiding place

Sitting in this warm house
I look out the window that keeps me safe inside
I look through to a snowy paradise

Man, it looks beautiful...
from in here at least
but the grass chokes beneath the suffocating snow
and the glittery ice on dead trees weighs the branches down.

From inside this season is a pleasant scene,
In reality, tragically beautiful.
Nature's remnants shrouded by frozen precipitations.
     How can each single unique snowflake band together to push cars off of roads?
     And seal doors shut?

Winter you are real,
     A crazy gorgeous, yearly event
with the power to make us slow down,
                                                   or stay in.

Winter you are a force to be observed and not challenged.
Sometimes you freeze us,
but you always look spectacular.

If my poem stopped too soon
its because my page ran out of room...
when I get to the end I have so much trouble pushing onward

I hate you
For shaping me
Into everything I never wanted to be

Want to get rid of it
But somehow I can't
Maybe tomorrow
I'll do better
Maybe tomorrow
I'll stick to it
Maybe tomorrow
Maybe
Maybe

I'm stuck in a mess
And I can't find my way
Maybe today
I'll get help
Maybe today
I'll tell someone
Maybe today
Maybe
Maybe

I've decide to get better
I just don't know how
Maybe now
You will see it
Maybe now
You can help
Maybe now
Now
Now

I saw you tonight
And it's been awhile
It's nice to see you
And that beautiful smile
You light up the room
And smile straight at me
I wonder if you know
What you do to me
Just sitting beside you
Makes me believe
The world isn't as bad
When you're here with me

It all stays bottled up inside of me
Sometimes it leaks out my eyelids
streaming out down my cheeks
Sometimes it seeps out through my pores
when I wake up in a cold sweat

You say it's all darkness
It's all anger
all hate
You say it's so loud
you can't concentrate

So did you forget
All the good
the laughs
smiles
And fun

What about me
Do you care at all
How could you quit this
You're too strong to fall

Just remember the blessing that surrounds your soul
See the Lord has given you
what cannot be stolen

I can't say that 'h' word
because if I did it would say more about me than it would about you

Don't you dare do this to me
just when I started to break free
To think that it is no big deal
I'll tell you what, this just got real

When the trials of your mind reach a darker kind
and your soul is exhausted
When you feet fill with lead
And you can't get out of bed
When the things you did best
Matter less than the rest
And you can't do anything right
The Lord will renew your spirit and enlighten your eyes
He will lighten your burdens and loosen your ties

I hope you trust
I hope you love
I hope you accept
The gift from above

I hope you believe
I hope you rejoice
I hope that you make
The very best choice

I hope you care
I hope you pray
I hope you thank Him
Every day

I hope you are strong
I hope you are pure
I hope you have patience
I hope you are cured

Thank you God!
Thanks for Jesus!
thanks for the earth
You put beneath us!

Thanks for the sun!
And thanks for the stars!
Thanks for your plan
And just who you are!

Please help the sick
The hurt and the weary
Please dry the eyes of those who are teary

Please keep us safe
Inside of your hands
Please make us strong
And help us to stand

Amen

If they knew
If they saw
My heart pink and raw
Would they stand in awe?

If they saw
If they read
All the thoughts in my head
Would the truth stain them red?

If they read
If they knew
If they saw


If I shared...


no

        no
                    
                 ­ *nobody cares

Stumble, Fumble
               My stomach grumbles
Fleas, Trees
               I'm weak in the knees
Cough, Scoff
               My clothes falling off
Try, Cry
               I'm starting to die
Let, Regret
               It's as real as it gets
Pry, Thighs
               I was full of lies
This, Kiss
                A new life's what I wish
Whole, Goal
                But I'm out of control
Fly, Sigh
                *This is my good-bye

Why don't you date?
  a question I hate
Why can't you see
it's not right for me?
My heart is too young
  yet already been broken
I hang on to every
word you have spoken
But I'll fall so fast,
hit ground so hard

The shatter of a million
pieces of my heart

What if you knew
What if you read these words that my heart has always wanted to say to you
What if you saw
The all of my true feelings
Uncensored and raw
What if you understood
Why the outcome was bad
But intentions were good
What if you read all my words then looked me in the eye and knew me and hugged me
and old we grew…

You are my hope
When I wanna give up
You are my strength
When times get rough
You are my guide
When I am lost
You are my light
At times of dusk
You help me see
When I am blind
You build me up
When words are unkind
You give me sleep
When I need rest
You guide me when
I'm taking a test
You hug me tight
When I am lonely

You are the reason
I get up in the morning
Your spirit fills me
And I know what I
Must do
I must be more like you

You left, I cried,
You lived, I died
You stood I fell
Your heaven, my hell
Your smile, my tears

I am a poet and this world will never know it

I'm giving up sleep
my thoughts are too deep
Can barely last the day
don't let me sl
                              i    p
                                         a
                                               w       a
                                                                 y

When it's cold and dark
your embrace lights a spark
inside my soul
and warms me up

When I've lost all hope
and don't know how to cope
It's your arms
that hold me together