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It's funny
how
something so simple
can seem so
complicated.

When the tide kisses the
shore,
do you ever think
why?

Maybe it's because
I love you.

Maybe it's from the
love
you gave me.

Or maybe it's because
you left me
without saying goodbye.
astride the pale horse

into the devasted inner sanctum of the mind-less city

she was there in the barest cloak of filthy rags and clinging children

she said   "25 cents if you want me here, 50 cents for there
and a dollar for  the primal opening"

she smiled...her broken teeth glistening obscurely in the obsenity

--

we

-----

the one eyed one legged child crawled on and into the alley
begging the garbage cans to yield  him some food

the refuse was swirling around the feet
of all the refugees

the pale horse moved on

the rider had no choice but to go along

----

we have no choice

-----

astride the pale horse we move along
her lines on her forehead
are not the cause of stress,
they are waves that overlap
the constant ticking of her thoughts
waiting for a disposition; a tsunami
to sweep through her mind

burnt by the sun,
a touch to her skin pains her
leaving her vulnerable and subdued
all she wants is the sensation of rain
to cleanse the skin of discomfort
leaving her pure

wind rattles her bones
(or what is left anyway)
and catches her last breath
her body becomes fine particles
that are then swept up by
a soft, warm breeze
(she would rather die from the force of nature, than die by humanity)
fog
you,* so brutally honest,
when i know you're just
bitter
in fact misunderstood,
your thoughts
litter

you, an observer,
believing you know each crack of
me
but my lies have blinded
what you think you
see

you, self-destructive,
a loaded missile
ready
but desperate for sleep
and a soft, beautiful
melody

you, a curled chaos,
trying to be
hopeful
for something,
for someone
blissful

you, like fog,
eventually faded
away
part i.

my room
clean, precise
ready
a navy dress
dainty, floral
like a little girl
loved

landing lights off
scuffle of feet rushing
silence
in this serenity
i am chaos

soft music soothing
a specialised playlist
could this be an anymore
cliché way to die?

i listen to time
awaiting a moment
sent by a rhythm

02:00
hold on
32 pills
34
or was it 68?
it doesn’t matter

02:30
what future?
there is no war
it’s all in my head

stop
what
no
need
thoughts
out
dizzy

‘help’

part ii.

what were you thinking
are you crazy
stupid stupid girl
how many

why

I don’t know
not anymore
but it will be fine
I will go to sleep

no fuss

agitation
irritable
useless
annoyance

what had I expect

strangers in the room
my room
but the only stranger
was me

I had known nothing less

voices?
did they tell you to do this?
I laughed in my mind
how cliché do they think I am

no it’s just me

part iii.

numbness and weariness
overwhelmed me
bitter bile rose
a long day ahead

name?
address?
birth date?
what made you do this?

over and over again
ringing in my ears
as I answered in the numbness
I had become

a barcode being scanned
not being looked at once more
I fought the urge to lie
well not completely

ward 14
darkness
panic
blankness

part iv.

drip drip drip
awoken to a beat
my heart or
the machine
I wish I knew

awoken to regret
a coward
a shadow
always

light shining
outside
I have become an outsider

ironically

part v.**

her scars.
trailing down her arms
I wonder
how long would it take
for her scar in her mind to heal

I make suicide look normal

her screams.
rattled the bones in my body
she was
an unravelled mayhem
in pandemonium

her shouts.
were more like pleading
between herself
and whom appeared
a fragment of a nightmare

her crying.
lasted for hours
all through the night
when she stopped
it was only the crying that stopped

I was the intruder

there was a silence in ward 14
I wanted anything but a silence
to think
think
think

looking at her sleeping form
I wonder
what she wanted to forget
but no
silence is louder than words

I was told I could go home
I should have wanted to
but there was a safeness
a safeness like me
security from outside

as I walked away
the weight of eyes
made me sink into a guilt
that I dare not look back
at ward 14
let me sleep
in a deep slumber
until the pillows suffocate me
until the bed envelops me
how kind

let me sleep
long enough
so I never awake
to burdens
of a restless mind

leave me be
so I never hear
another cry
echoing echoing
in the brain

leave me be
an undisturbed state
not in vain, nor pain
but rather,
sane
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