I am half way in.
Alarms ringing
I should run
Save myself from you.
My feet stay planted even as I look toward the exit.
I am stuck.
Afraid to step forward.
Too intrigued by the fire to step away.
Stuck in the middle.
Waiting to come to my senses.
Or for you to close the gap?
Stuck.
But, not forever.
I will run.
To you or away.

This is where we say goodbye, again.
It is a familiar place but cuts the same every time.
The last kiss before you go is always the hardest. I give it and the moment our lips part I crash into you again.
I am not ready for the last.
My sorrow is unkind but it is more real than ever.
You pull back and beg for mercy yet cling to me.
Your thumb tracing my jaw as your dewy eyes. admire.
"I'm coming back." you say.
I bite my tongue before I hurt you with my uncertainty.
You repeat the words because you can feel what I didn't say.
I wonder if I will ever be free of you.
I wonder if I will ever let myself love anyone else.
Someone who doesn't leave quite so much.

I was folding a shirt when the familiar sound turned my head downward to the vibrating phone on the table beside me.

You. Why? You're supposed to leave me be.
I don't have to answer. I stare at it as it rings.
He will give up or leave a voicemail telling me why he
would do this to me.

Slide to answer. A swipe of a thumb and I'd be connected to the only man on earth I have loved.
I slide because it's ******* you.
It's you.

Seconds pass but they seem endless.

I speak your name. First with a question mark and then on a sigh as  I can hear your breathing.

You ask to see me.
I can only say your name again.
This time as a plea for mercy.
Release me.

I have to go I say and you say my name now.
Also a plea.

Goodbye.

I stare down at the screen then sit the phone back down where it was and I fold my clothes.

Will you come anyway?
**** me, I miss that face.
****. I want you to come.

But, don't you dare come.

They hide in families disguised as brother, father, uncle, nephew.
You see them at holidays, shoot the ****, and hug them good bye. until next time.  
Never knowing, until you know.

When you know,  the sickness swells.
The rage.
The end of obligated love.

Then you see them in family albums and you want to cut them out but it's your child they are holding. Big grin.

Family should be a safe place yet it usually is not.
Dark secrets.
Misguided shame.
Time to kick the door wide open and expose them for what they are.

I’m so tired

You come in looking the way you do
And I’m renewed

You smile and in those lines I see the years spent laughing
I forget about the tears

Your wide lips part
And I forget my name

I forget everything

Nothing is as important as crashing into you.

I’ve always loved you more than I’ve ever loved me.

You hate to hear it.
You tell me I’m everything.
Then you hop on a
plane.

Most of our years are spent 2,184 miles apart. I can and have loved you from further.

I’ll love you till my last breath.  
But, you ask too much of a lover you see in hotels and back rooms

You know me by heart.
You know my sense of humor.
You know what I dream about. My fears.
What I carry with me.
The guilt.
The trauma.
You know me inside out.
You  barely know me at all.

Your voice pours out my speakers. Poetry sang for anyone to hear but meant for me. I hear them. Every song new and old.

They are promises you swear were never made.  

Always were. Always will be.

I wonder when you’ll let me go.
Will we be doing this dance into our 80s?

Or maybe I should learn some self respect and stop taking your calls? Stop answering the door.
Stop running to whatever destination you ask me to come to.
If you can’t be kind enough to stop loving me.

You lift my hand to your mouth and press.
All is forgotten and I’m yours again.

Poet. Painter. Star. Man. *******. Best friend.

Soul mates.
I’ve watched your mouth say such things.
Silly things.
If true then we’re  ******* this life time up royally!

I want to know you
What makes you tick
What makes your body hum
I want to explore every contour
The curves and edges
I want to know the real you
uncensored
Your thoughts
All the weird
All the fear
All the brave.
I want inside jokes
I want the ability to read your mood with one glance
I want you
All of you

So many times I have been the envy of others.
"You're so lucky" they say,

There's been many times I have wondered how I got you.
Why you'd want me, let alone love me.

I don't feel lucky.
You have crushed me.

They can have you.
I am done.