I watched you looking for me.
From high above I witnessed that line between your brow deepen as you chewed the corner of your mouth
then  you made an effort not to.

And, then you scowled at your phone.
chirp
I lift mine from my pocket, smile and reply
"Look up."

You look left then right and your honey hued eyes land on me.
Decades of smiles had formed lines and I got all 4 rows.

We play our games. Do what old friends do.

Hours pass and we are finally alone.
In an oblong shaped room a thin door separates us from them.
We can hear them trying not to be loud or put on that they are listening.
Will they wont they? They want to know.
We always do.

Is there any chance in hell? You ask.
I hesitate because yes is the death of me and no is impossible.

For once you keep your distance allowing me to breathe.
My body aching I can already taste you.

I tell you what it takes and inquire about what you need.
We sit on the tile floor against opposing walls.

I watch your long fingers fidget with a loose thread on your pant leg.
I close the distance and sit legs on either side of you.

It's the anniversary of the first time you touched me and I wanted to be touched again.
It had been so long.
No other touch mattered.
No one sees the real me like you do.

See me now, I say.
Your eyes heat and fixate on my lips and finally you touch me.
large hands cup and pull me unto your lap.

I wait for the crushing of eager mouths, the violence in our passion for each other.
Instead I get your head on my *******, you breathe me in and then out.
Your arms around me tight now.
My tears are hot.
You hold me there.

I press my lips gently against your scalp and remove the elastic band from your length of hair.
I then realize it's the band you stole from me years ago.
The one I see on your wrist often when you're in the world I will never fit in.
Then, my stomach turns. I do not fit because you dont make the room.

You're now freeing me of my jacket. Your lips gently pressing onto every inch of newly exposed skin.
The snow is building up on the ornate window behind us.
I'm not at all  that concerned.
I'm only worried if I will survive you this time.

Your teeth skim over flesh and bone, a threat of pleasure too intense for a thin door to conceal.
I lay back, now exposed, unto cold tile with gold leaves.
The corner of your mouth raises as you remove my boots and then kick out of your worn converse.
I watch you pull your shirt off over your head and then praised the gods I don't believe in for your abs.
On your knees now you roll leggings down. I lift and you moan at the sight you so love.

You cross my ankles and hold them in the air.
You watch my face as your thumb caresses swollen folds.
I whimper as the torture continues.

No!
I want to touch you!
I want to be close!
It's been too long since I have tasted that mouth.
I protest.

Shh.
You end all argument as your fingers slide in.
Slow at first and then hard as I arch up off the tile.
There's nothing to hold onto and no way to muffle my screams but to bite my own fist.
Wave after violent wave hits me and I go under and am content to drown with you.

I love you so much
Al lot more than I love myself.

You leave me heaving on the cold floor and I can barely see as I attempt to come back to the surface.
And then that mouth.
A rip tide takes me back under.

I can reach your hair now. There is so much of it.

I sing your name over and over as I arch and moan.
When my body goes limp your mouth moves upward kissing hip bone, stomach, breast and then neck.
You are above me now, I can feel your eagerness against my wet thigh.

I love you,
The words fall off wide lips before they take up mine.
You  enter.
Sweet and gently you stroke my hair and cup my face.
We drink from each other as you move in me.
My hands stroke the angles of you the strong back and up and over to cup your muscled little ***
and press you deeper in me as I raise my hips to take in more.
The air rushes out of your lungs as I grip you tight inside and beg you to ***.
You reply by nipping my bottom lip and dive faster and harder into me.

I’m no longer sure where your hair and mine begins and ends, We have so much of it and I try to pull yours back so that I can see your eyes.
Its as if you can never quite believe the intensity of us.  Years and years and we remain on fire.
You  let out a moan and then silence it as much as you could by biting my shoulder.
I don't think it worked, Hon.
A good 40 people heard you *** inside me.

We lay there on this cold pretty tile now.
Aftershocks of pleasure course through my body and I long to reach over and touch you but cant collect myself.

What have we done to ourselves, again?
Will it be different?
It has to be.
I cant say goodbye again.

Little White house on the corner
Where two presidents meet

Not much to look at
yet it holds so much history

Nothing most would be interested in
Just a little girl's horror and shame

There in a room papered with puppies and kittens  
I, a child, laid in an ornate daybed

I should had been safe
I wasn't

I have not returned in so long
yet I also have never left

I sit
parked
strong and fragile
where two presidents meet
remembering the things better forgotten

But, one cant forget what shapes you.
All anyone can do is be better than where you came from
and hope that any child that may now sleep in
the house on Roosevelt street
is safer than I ever was.

I hate this place.
I hate the cold.
Hate the drawer that keeps getting stuck.
The sink that drips.
There's nothing here for me.


The next place will be better.
Maybe this time I will go to the ocean?
Live an inherited dream.

Pack up and go.
Leave winters behind.
Flip off my landlord that doesn't fix ****
and go.

My girls, the pup, kitty cats, and me...
Me.

No matter where I go I will be there.
My problems are packed along with the sheets and dishes.
There's no place I will be okay.
Unless I am okay with me.

I sent a relauntant "yes" after letting you sweat for awhile. It wasn't punishment but I hope it hurt.
Then after what felt like forever there you were. It hurt.

I'm still shocked by how tall you are. Even after all these years. You wore the old cardigan my cigarette burnt through 9 years ago. It was closed and an old band shirt poked through it. Your hair a bit more gray curled on end. My mind wanted to linger on the ends and I had to order it to stop and concentrate on putting one leg in front of another.

I walked toward you and then veered toward the passenger side of the car to avoid the awkward hug ex lovers pretending to be friends do. **** it if you don't follow to reach over me and open the car door. I turned my face up toward yours and my eyes locked on your mouth. And, again that hurt. Like physically hurt my every cell.

"Thank you for seeing me." Your mouth said. I only nodded as you shut the door behind me and tried not to watch you walk around to the drivers seat.

You were in my town and so I guided you to the nearest interstate. And, then we didn't speak. I saw your hand on the gear shift between us, your long fingers twitching. I knew you were eager touch me. I knew you were afraid to.

You were the brave one. Giving my knee a pat and asking me about the kids and dog.

And, then we were there. Your large hand on the the small of my back,
We entered a world more suited to you. A hotel with five stars in it's advert. Nowhere I could be without you. We went through the motions. You politely speaking to the woman at the desk and then returning to take my hand in yours.
My hands always feel small in yours. Our fingers link and your thumb caresses me as it always has. Like the day we met. When you lingered too long in a handshake. You led me to the elevator.
And, as we reached the top floor you had the audacity to lift our entwined hands to your mouth and skim your lips across my knuckles. You ******* *******. Don't you dare remind me I am yours.

There was a few thousand mile long steps from the elevator to your room. We couldn't get there quick enough but were too cool to run. You opened the door and I walked passed you to the large window that over looked a familiar city but I'd never seen it from a place like this.

I felt you come near. I can always feel you before we even touch. You gently pressed your lips on my bare shoulder and I swear my dead heart came to life. For a second I almost forgot you were the one that killed it.

No. I turned and  looked up into the face I and so many women loved. I was prepared to be a *****. To yell. To cry. Instead I tore at your clothes.

You hissed more than once as I sank teeth and claws into long lean muscle covered in tattoos. You said my name. Begging me to stop. To listen to you. To let you tell me how much you missed me. I'd heard all this ******* before.

I left you there to hide in the bathroom. I looked at myself there. Naked in a bathroom nicer than my apartment. My face was flushed my chest blotchy and red.
Finally your words came through the thin bathroom door.

"Please. Let me in."
It wasn't locked. But, I said nothing.
The door opened slightly and then more. My blue eyes met your honey brown in the mirror.

You came to me wrapping your long arms around me and kissing my shoulders and neck moving my length of copper as you pleased. I felt my defenses crumble.  I was helpless to what we are and always have been.   I, then watched my own mouth gap open as your talented hands slid down. I melted into a puddle onto cold granite. My cheek pressed against the mirror your fingers slid between wet thighs and you slipped into me from behind. Filling me. I can only scream and moan as you get to speak. You ******* *******.

"I love you. Oh my god I ******* love you." You cry on repeat.

That's somehow less romantic as you pound the holy hell out me after crushing my heart last time we were alone.

Hours of this and then you have the ******* nerve to hold me, caress me, and kiss the top of my head? I hate you. I hate myself for this.

After I have ****** that beautiful bottom lip enough I may tell you how much.

*******, Rock star. Let me give you yet another hit single.

You will not sink me.
No no no.
Call out all you want
I will defend what is mine.
I'll sink you before you can destroy me.
You will see.
You will learn.
I'm not that easily sunk.
I say this too soon as my lips reluctantly part.
You've sunk my battleship
The pieces then fly red and white into the air to then rain down upon us.
You stare down at my clenched fist amongst the many ships once in order
Once in line.
And, I ask the question that hangs in the air
How can we be friends when your strategy is to destroy my fleet?
You say it's just a game.
Just a game?
Just a game?!
Am I some sort of loser to you?
I leave you to clean up the tiny plastic pieces of our relationship.
Your last words ring in my ears.
Eat a Snickers, Man

Somewhere between the next city and the last we lay
Entwined in hair
And spit
And sweat
And ***

You reach for me
My body instinctively responds
Magnets we are.
Your fingertips dance playfully up and down
The curves of me.
I laugh and forget for a moment
You leave.

You always leave

I can't wait to fall asleep because when I do you are not across the country. You are with me in the places we once were.

In that hammock by the lake making up fake names for stars.
On that bench outside the Ice cream shoppe watching people and licking the sticky from our fingers.
In dozens of hotel rooms and arenas against the closed door, Your wide mouth hungry and brutal. Your hands greedy and knowledgeable.

In dreams the complications are gone. The goodbyes not said. The hurt isn't there.  

In dreams are where you say the things you haven't when we are wide awake. The things that could fix us if you really wanted us to be fixed.

Sometimes in dreams it is just your face. Those amber eyes on me. So intense filled with hurt, need, and desire.  That mouth so wide and ****. It parts and art pours out. I know what it can do. I know how dangerous it is and yet always arch up toward it. The smile sometimes more of a smirk because you know how pretty a man you are. And, when that smile is full a double row of smile lines appear across that face i know so well. In a full room all eyes fall on you but when we are alone that smile is just mine. In dreams it doesn't fade. Your voice doesn't shake. The promises are never spoken so could never be broken.

Alarm clocks are a cruel reminder that we may never have that again. We may never be able to fix us. Because, it takes more than pretty words from your too pretty mouth to make the real things last.