Yiska sees
the key turn
in the lock

of the door
of the locked
ward; watches

as nurses
come and go
and the key

turns again
to lock in.
To escape

from the ward
one would need
to time it

for the split
minute of
unlockedness,

but one then
has to run
past the door

left open
to freedom,
if only

for a brief
time moment
until some

overweight
nurse gives chase
bringing you

down like prey.
Yiska knows;
she tried it

to her cost
and bruised hip
and grazed knee

the other
depressing
escape day.

I could slit the thin knife
along the inside of my arm
get the right artery
and SPLATTER
blood like some
Biblical flood,
Yiska says.

I sit beside her
in the locked
ward's lounge.

It's warm, cosy
and she's toying
with an idea
but no knife thin
or otherwise.

Just her thin
red painted
fingernail
moving down
the inside
of her arm.

I watch intently.

Will she scratch
herself a slit?
I muse.

Her pink nightgown
sans belt
opens up as she
uncrosses her legs.

Glimpse thigh
pass my eye.

Slowly slit it,
she says,
open up like
a red flower.

The red fingernail
makes an indentation,
but no slit.

Her other arm,
bandaged,
has a recent attempt
of slitting-
some guy
from the male ward's
razor blade borrowed-
should have seen it spurt,
she says,
as I gaze
at the bandaged arm,
shot across the room
like a line of red,
*******, the guy said.

Yiska fingernails
a line deep as she can,
pressing down hard.

Slit you ******* nail, slit,
she says.

Through a gap
in her nightgown's fold,
and legs moving
here and there,
I spy a sight of ***** hair.

I look away;
see the emptiness
of her deep eyes,
where a soul
or mind is wounded
and silently cries.

Miriam
begins her
*******

in a tent
at base camp
in down town

Malaga
2am
party done

boozing done
the music
for dancing

turned off now
and she says
she's not here

the fat dame's
not come back
to the tent

so what now?
Benny asks
shall I stay?

well I can't
have good ***
without you

she replies
are you sure?
Benny asks

sure I'm sure
she replies
enter in

and zip up
the **** tent
so Benny

zips it up
and begins
to unzip

and undress
watching her
shed her clothes

best he could
in half light
from moon's glow

and stars' shine
what if the
dame returns?

Benny asks
she can make
a *******

or *******
Miriam
says to him

naked now
her soft ****
hanging there

inviting
him to stare
he listens

to the wind
blowing hard
against blue

stretched canvas
come on then
come on in

Miriam
says to him
so he did

his **** ****
rising up
and then down

capturing
the moon's glow
not too fast

she utters
keep a pace
keep it slow.

The loud shush of the steam train shush shush and grey steam turning white shushing out from beneath the train and out of here and there of the huge black dragon and O the power of it Benny says sitting beside Lydia on Kings Cross Railway Station on a seat aged and discoloured watching the steam rise up and upwards and breathing in the smell of the train and steam and she sits with her small hands together between her knees poking out of her white dress with blue flowers her small hands pushing out of her corn blue coloured cardigan her fingers pressing against each other fingertips on fingertips will this train go to Edinburgh? she asks will this train go to Edinburgh? I think so Benny says Ill ask he says and leaps up and goes along the platform and seeing a porter with a trolley stops him and asks the porter glad to rest for a few moments eyes Benny and says yes it does and takes over six hours or more and seeing the boy standing there eyes hazel and bright and the quiff of hair why are you thinking of going? the porter asks smiling revealing a number of teeth missing no not today Benny says noting the absent teeth of the porter or rather the teeth remaining and trying to count the teeth but the porter closes his mouth and smiling walks off with his trolley so Benny walks back to Lydia on the seat yes it does the porter says six hours or more to get there he says thats a long time Lydia says longer than I sleep or my big sister and she can sleep a long time especially if shes been out until the early hours- her mother calls it ******* but Lydia knows nothing of what it means and never bothered to ask-he asked if am I going to Edinburgh and I said not today but it seems exciting to think we could go just get on the train without anyone seeing us and sit in a carriage on our own and if the ticket collector man comes we can say our parents are in the dining car and he might go off and we could go to Edinburgh Benny says smiling at Lydia and she looking at him taking in his grey sleeveless jumper and the white shirt and blue jeans and do you think we could? she says were only nine you and me and Im sure the ticket man would think it odd we were alone while our parents were in the dining car and we were sitting in the carriage alone Benny looks at the train and the steam and the powerfulness of it and says lets get nearer lets get as close as we can and she says all right but not too near Daddy says not too near ok Benny says and they walk as near to the train as they can sensing the powerfulness of the train all the more and the smell of it filling their lungs and been says isnt that great? yes it is Lydia says and reaching out to try and catch some steam but it flows through her fingers and even as she claps her hands together the steam escapes and goes on its journey upwards what do you think? Benny asks Edinburgh today? just us he watches her standing there beside him thin and pale and her hair lank and straight and her eyes peering at him its along way she says her eyes getting larger her mouth opening to a wide oval six hours or more he says although we could sleep maybe sleep until were there where to sleep? she asks rubbing her fingers together nervously wont we get hungry? she asks we never brought food or drink and Ive no money left to buy any she says looking at him wanting him to say it didnt matter they would find food some place but he looks at her and says we can sleep in the carriage our heads against the seat backs or lying down on the seats and food? she says what about that? he looks at her maybe I can get some from the dining car someone might leave things he says rolls or butter you never know what people may leave do you think we could? she says moving closer to him wanting him to say yes of course we could its going to be all right but he looks at the train and the long carriages filling with passengers and the windows having faces looking out at them and says maybe another day when we have some food with us and bottles of drink  and a change of clothes he says got to have change of clothing I havent much to change into she says Mum never gets it done in time some days and I have to wear clothes day after day we can plan it he says make sure it goes to plan with food and clothes and drink and money I can get some Benny says be better then we can go to Edinburgh then like it is on the billboards she looks at him feeling he is right and she does feel it would be a bit of a risky going today without a change of clothing especially knickers she needs those she muses not sure of how much clothing she might need depending she supposes on how long they go for and where to stay once they get there where to stay that is the question she asks herself and she takes Benny hand in hers and says yes another time when as you say we have food and clothes and money and drinks he nods and rubs her hand and says its long way off but we will go yes we will she says excitedly wanting to go that day but yes we will wait to go some other time and they look at the train as it gives out a huge shush of steam like a ******* dragon and they stand back as it gets louder and more powerful and a guard with a green flag waves it wildly and the train huffs away shush shush it goes steam rising and outward like grey white snow.

Miriam said,
come sit beside me,
I don't want those
hippy types next to me.

I sat next to her
in the base camp
canteen in Sans Sabastion.

They beg people
for food or money,
she said,
I've come on holiday
with money I've saved.

Maybe they've run out
of money before the end,
I said.

Drugs more like,
she said,
they're that type,
you can smell it
on them,
especially her,
she stinks of drugs.

I made no comment,
I didn't know the couple,
nothing to me
what they did or didn't.

The hippies walked by
our table;
she was long haired,
blonde, thin,
had some long coat
and it was hot out,
but she wore this
long coat and saggy jeans.

He was similar,
but taller and had a beard
like a young Marx,
and tired eyes.

See what I mean?
How could she sleep
with him?
Like sleeping
with a dog.

They walked past
a few tables
then sat up front
and ate from a bag.

What are they eating?
Miriam asked.

No idea,
I said.

Looks like bread,
just bread,
she said.

I walked up to the table
where they were sitting
and said,
what are you guys eating?

Bread, man,
the guy said, bread.

What's wrong
with chips and burger?
I asked.

No money, man,
no money, he said.

Here have a meal on me
and handed him
some money
enough to buy a meal
for them both.

Hey,man,
what's the catch?
You want to sleep
with my lady?
The  girl looked at me.

No, just a gift,
no catch,
I said and walked off
back to my table.

What did you give
them money for?
Miriam asked.

I had money
and they didn't,
I said.

That's their fault,
she said,
not yours.

I don't see fault,
just need,
I said.

You're too soft,
she said.

Maybe,
I said,
but if I'm ever in need
I hope there's someone
out there will buy me
a meal sometime.

She said nothing,
but ate her burger
and chips,
looking at the hippies,
thinking God's knows what.

After a while
the hippies rose
and bought two meals.

The hippy girl
looked back at me
and smiled.

I didn't fancy her,
but I was glad
she was about to eat,
maybe put on
some weight.

I looked away
from her
and sat and ate.

I have only just finished
making Mr D's bed
in the old folks home
when Sophia's there
by the door
arms folded
her eyes searching me

it was close thing
yesterday night
she says

I look at her
wondering how
I got out of her place
with her parents
looking at me
in such a way
and I felt it
was close as close
as being caught
as being caught can be

how'd it go?
I ask

she closes the door
of the room behind her

you cannot come anymore
while they are out
must be
when they are in
she says
standing by the bed  
making me wonder
what the hell happened

what did they say?

she looks at me
then at the bed
good ***?

not now
I say

no
she says
last night before
they come
and spoil it

yes it was
I say
thinking my *** days
were over
the way her father
looked at me

I stand up
and move away
from the bed
and move by her
to get to the window
and open up
to let in fresh air

you come again?
see parents?
she says
they give you
benefit of the doubt
I say you
my good Catholic boyfriend
she says
coming to me
by the window

I guess
I say
when?

not too soon
but you come
she says her Polish accent
driving through her words

but no ***
I guess
I say

she shrugs
and moves close to me
and says
we see
if not there
maybe here
in one
of the old boys' beds?

no not here
it's too risky

risky at my place too
she says
putting her arms
around my waist
her breath on my skin

what if old
Mr D comes in?

he not come up here
in the day
I talk with him
he say too far
to come
he stay downstairs
in day time

but what if
someone else comes?
I say
trying to move
out and off

who come?
she says

she kisses me
then a bell rings

look must go
morning break
coffee or tea
in the staff room
if we're not there
they'll think something
and then
God's knows what

ok
she says
moving away
and so she goes
and I am hot.

Who is the boy?
Sophia's father asked.

Sophia looked at him:
the greying moustache,
dark eyes,
short,  
but solid build.

A friend from work,
she said.

Her mother walked
in the background
never interfered.

What's his name?
The father asked,
examining her,
eyes searching
her features for signs
of lies or deception.

Benedict,
she replied,
good Catholic boy,
nurse.

The father
walked past her,
then circled her.

She thought of Benny
having nodded
and spoken briefly
to her parents then
had left the house.

Good ***.

Miał dobry ****,
she said to herself
in Polish,
pretending she was
talking to her father.

Not dare.

Good Catholic?
Her father said,
he come to the house
and no one to safe guard
your honour here?

We talked; had coffee,
she said,
thinking of the safe things.

Those outside
may think otherwise,
he said.

Who?
Sophia asked,
sensing her father
walking behind her,
as he did when
she was a child,
then WHACK WHACK,
he did to her as a child.

Now he just walked
around her, hands behind
his back.

Neighbours see
these things,
think what they think,
he said,
in front of her
staring at her eyes.

Those who sin, see sin,
she said,
holding herself firm,
eyeing her mother
in the background,
no words,
not a sound.

This Benedict,
he likes you?
The father asked.

Yes, he does,
she replied,
thinking of Benny
******* *******.

He must consider
how it could looks
to others,
her father said,
not come while
we are out.

She nodded,
looked at her feet,
wiggled her toes.

He may come while
we are here,
her father conceded,
eyeing her firmly,
walking away,
hands behind his back.

She breathed out
relieved
no whack
whack whack.