Why can't I tattoo
"I'm sorry"
on my forehead

trudging, I move along
time hesitates not a moment
the frantic beat
causes disarray within
tick, tick, tick

inadequate; alone
fears forms:
shiny, sticky palms
short breath
knotted throat
nothing in; watch out
don't cry, you baby
wait! I'm not finished yet!
tick, tick, tick

left behind
a step or two, trailing my peers
in the distance, I see them
sometimes, the dust from their steps
fills my lungs
and empties me of hope
to catch up
to reach Good Enough
to jump onto the train of contentedness
tick, tick, tick

Is my race less than?
Is my fight inferior?
Time ticks on.
Others charge forward.
Frozen, I fear.
tick, tick, tick

the absence pangs me
the separation aches in my chest
your touch
your smell
empty, I sit;
fragmented
your voice
your eyes
waiting, I wonder
waiting, I wander
object permanence escapes
Is this it?
Have you left me?
security untaught
regulation gap
desperate cling and
misunderstood intention
the cyclical mess
I can't undo

Let's have a do over.
Try again.
Let me start over.
Let's go back in time;
rewind.
Let's be friends again.

i want to stop by
i want to laugh
cry
help me
listen to her
good things
bad things
God things
craft things together
eat together
work together
HW together
drive together
memories
pictures
TEXTS
calls
love
love
love

the same.

Timidly, I let my feet touch the ground
With hesitation, I embrace the day

Your words are like acid in my open wounds
Don’t you see them?
lines of shame
veins to drain the evil within
mirrors of toughened tissue
that had no other choice
jagged attempts

you pour into me
sugar sweet, now bitter
it stings
stop hurting me
my heart
aches
i hate you

don't leave me

some moments can only be described as
"aha" paired with a deep sigh of relief
or
"hmph" followed by a whimper of distress

precious memories of time that
can only seem to be reciprocated
with a guttural noise

"mmmmm" as she falls into
the arms of another who loves her

"aaeehhhhh" as ice water
satisfies thirst by the noon July sun

moans in childbirth,
yelps of fear,
grunts of rage,
whines between tears

swoosh as the end draws near

words run
they leave
just like everyone else
and yet,
I ponder
with words:
wordless beauty

incessant confusion
left wondering
waiting for love
looking, lacking
physically present,
emotionally absent
arithmetic prison
reputation upheld
in front of
jealous outsiders
searching for substitutes
held in the arms of another
irreparable only if unwilling

even so,
we dance

sensitive extreme
third degree feeling
raw; infantile;
pathetic;
it hurts to breathe
it hurts to be

life burns
like the noon sun on my white skin
like barefoot patters on the rooftop

but you,

your contact is a cool sizzle
your touch is a drop of water on the hot stove
your hand on my back
soothes the swirling, spinning
chaotic tangles of thoughts

I'm a puzzle
& you're the missing piece

Please, Mrs. front row goer,
You needn't explain yourself to me
good deeds don't replace the creed,
and excuses fall dead on my ears

mother of a mother
needed or needing to be needed?
RSV, stay away, OK, but
recognized servitude?

unempathetic to your need
for validated humility,
leaving the listener unsettled
sit and be sermonized

There's a way to be good again
Look to the rugged cross,
the empty tomb,
our Risen King

feathr'y
flowy
fluffy
flouncy
floating in her feath'ry, flowy tutu
layered pink, fluffy, flouncy; sous-sous

I reflect critically.
Is this skill crucial?
Do you think?

Ballerinas are robust.
Are your toes calloused?
Do you dance?

***** lips that've been caressed,
This is your Sunday best

tattered denim, ***** plaid;
This is his Sunday best

too-short of a sundress hanging on an inked shoulder,
This is her Sunday best

sobbing, screaming, squirrelly;
This is their Sunday best

tear-stained eyes and a wrinkled blouse;
This is my Sunday best

glissade, tours jeté; poised and powerful
pirouette, sous-sus; humbling finesse
agility: deceivingly immortal
classsic elegance to encompass

enveloped audience, alluring physique
grande jeté, fluid grace, moving mystique
clean sauté arabasque; lissome wonder
sharp, precise, polished; she moves without blunder

pink, satin slippers
strong, poised, graceful pirouette
kinesthetic art

lost
vision
perspective
identity
labeled; boxed in; trapped
Who am I? Who am I?
words offered and rejected
Was I ever really found?
questioning Providence, sov'reign plans
hopeless, worthless, careless, less, less, and less
heartbroken, loving eyes watch me stagger
rudimentary fundamentals
Sunday school rhymes, 'tis precious now
oh, take me back to the start
teach me again my name
Who am I? Who am -
free and redeemed,
forgiven;
now I'm
found

tucked in tight, eyes wide and bright
squirrelly in anxious anticipation
counting sheep endlessly
laying still to no avail
tomorrow, filled with presents and cookies and Grandma's cookies
tomorrow, "Oh boy! I've waited all year for this!"

...and the snow drifted peacefully to the ground.

She crawls into bed with her husband's snoring head
the day she tarried away: cooking, cleaning
modern day Martha
doubts arise, has she done enough?
Is the table set just right?
"Oh me, oh my! I must've forgotten something!"

...and the snow drifted peacefully to the ground.

She inches wearily to her lonely bed
she slips into her nightgown, red
lying awake, her chest aching; empty
tomorrow she'll be able to forget
if not for an hour, at least a moment few
she wraps herself in her Savior's embrace and closes her eyes

...and the snow drifted peacefully to the ground.

...as every Christmas wish was being fulfilled.

moseying or marching; I'll make it through
even if I have to do it without you
tarry temporary; watch me, I'll fly
trying 'til I'm dying; I'll touch the sky
looking past the dark and up ahead
etched & wounded; woven scarlet thread

you leave me - without a word
full of shame, living crypt
naked, empty, stripped
the next morning - blurred

hold me like old times; dreams deferred
abuse unreported; wrists ripped
you leave me without a word
full of shame, living crypt

investment and love, confidence spurred
careful tread, but into your arms I slipped
now your love comes with fees; shipped
but I, your little bird
you leave me without a word

wrap me gently
in the folds of your embrace
keep me safe
protect me from invading lies

enemies of insecurity
marauders of my solid foundation

from the gentle touch of my sensitive,
morning skin
to
the depths of my guarded,
bruised heart

you blanket me
safekeeping sanctuary

you insulate my broken shards
you restore a safe place
for me
to break
down

the warmth of your enveloping arms
the fullness I find in your hold
the love that sings me to sleep

with a soft smile hanging on my lips

chaos dances dizzily within her head
grand plié, her countenance dips
spotting her lover, pursed lips
gracefully swirls 'cross the way, smile filled with dread

maintaining composure, her sentiment bled
eyes that hide a story, emoting only through her hips
chaos dances dizzily within her head
grand plié, her countenance dips

spotting her pirouettes, instead of tears shed
her mind wanders and reality slips
bold persona assumes her person, off the scripts
quasi-confident, the stage she tread
chaos dances dizzily within her head

the words which nourish my fainting heart
'tis so sweet the rhythm of your voice
faring up and down
drifting with me on good days

catching me on the way down,
down, down - I sink into
the words which nourish my fainting heart
'tis so sweet the rhythm of your voice

I close my eyes and feel
your breath on my cheek
as I turn to discount your sincerity
you reach for me, with
the words which nourish my fainting heart

slavery, abuse, oppression
call it what you want
I'm trapped, imprisoned by your lies
I cry out; no one believes me

call it what you want
torn; protect you out of obedience
I cry out; no one believes me
torn; protect myself for what I'm worth

torn; protect you out of obedience
but you never fight for me
torn; protect myself for what I'm worth
I'm bruised, but not broken

but you never fight for me
this is my anthem
I'm bruised, but not broken
slavery, abuse, oppression

together paradise,
nearby connection;
distance vanishes,
real-time embrace;
coincidental timing,
inarguable intersection;
fated misfortune,
mutual blessing;
soothing aura,
blissful homecoming;
affectionate cradle,
passionate possession;
fervent assertion,
warmly pursued;
together forever,
resurrected relation

unprompted proposal.
official assumption.
sweet surprise.
not asked.
not bribed.
not coaxed.
+
not hushed.
simply loved.
bad timing.
Almighty appointment.
=
subtle reminders.
frequent tears.
positive impact.
two-way street.
what if.
why now.
questions abound.
relentless trust.
emotional orphan.
family embrace.

spindly limbs, midnight hair
little girl, sitting on the steps
disappointed, what's wrong with me?
Daddy, dance with me

far from your strong arms,
my heart dances with danger
those boys aren't men
Daddy, fight for me

take me back
love me, though I'm broken
I can be whole in your arms
Daddy, tell me I'm yours

wandering, running
finding an identity
a nomad for love
Daddy, teach me how

day dressed in white
he takes her wedded hand
light falls on their shoulders
Daughter, will you dance with me?

He wraps her as his
for the last time;
redemptive dance
Daddy, now I'm his

What else did you miss?

lucky you're mine
wrapped warm
safety possessed
in your arms

hold me close, bound to your breast
forehead kiss
sets everything in place
in your arms

the world can't touch me
words can't hurt me
forget the pain
in your arms

release the worry
act that shows
you're a man of your word
in your arms

arms, arms,
arms of acceptance
of security, of love
in your arms

terrestrial representative
honest acknowledgement
locked in love
in your arms

captivate my senses
reign them in
sure foundation
in your arms

formerly wounded
empty
alone; but not
in your arms

elevated,
sure,
complete
in your arms.

loved,
healing,
confident
in your arms.

secure,
free,
redeemed
in your arms.

belonging,
protected,
place to be
in your arms

me
in your arms.

squirming worms
rotten apple brain
psychotic terms

disguised stable & sane
sorry infestation
good looks maintain

proceed with hesitation
pink ladies disappoint
one bite and cessation

outward promises at their breaking point
inside, a terrible surprise to avoid

foundation of sand
all or nothing, bet on him
hopes high; reality hits

cynical abstain
grasp hope in power of Him
whose dominion reigns o'er all

invisible & amoebic
your love for me was strategic
it engulfs my fragile heart and -
provides tidal security

roller coaster of highs and lows
invisible & amoebic
right turn, a lucky shot; strength ebbs
turnaround, drop a hat; strength flows

inevitable waves of in-
consistency rock my small boat
invisible & amoebic
lucid thoughts, unable to surface

Lifeguard! I'm drowning, but let me
tread, kick, fight; as I lose my breath
gulp of fantasy: I wash up
invisible & amoebic

flowy, fancy and frolicky vibe
I'm on top of the world!
confidence furled
full support, no hint of a gibe
a certain move through your thick brain, imbibe
my cocoon I've uncurled
heritage whorled
natural elation, no Prozac prescribed
Yet, twirls come to a halt
my smile fades as you drone on
It's all my fault
learning forgone
emotional assault
I'm done, you won

you hold my heart
and then listen as I pour it out
you erase my doubt
feel close, when we're apart
you counsel me well
offer when you see a need
and you know how I bleed
gentle direction, no need to yell
whispers of adoration
your fingers caress the line
of torment before your life touched mine
multi-faceted vocation,
dodecahedron love,
sent to me from above

raised to listen to the boys in blue
shoot straight, the straight and narrow
protect and serve, even the sparrow
respect, honor; intimidating crew
sirens squeal, lights flash
license, registration; rehearsed line
unfastened belt, unheard as I opine
"No buckle? Ma'am you're gonna crash"
the belt that caused my stomach to rip?
the belt that killed by grandfather?
Why should I bother?
but thanks for the tip
free to choose what matters most
'cause in the end, we're all toast

unconventional, to say the least
on Sunday, love your neighbor
peek out her drawn shades, secret belabor
not in nature, nurture's the blamed beast
preference, peculiar;
she's stuck in her ways.
cover stories will guide her days
both victim and defendant, scared for the future
together, we're stronger,
and petty we fall.
to love my black soul, but her skin appall
bizarre assumptions grow longer
to feel, to know, to look beyond
eccentricism; How will you respond?

cold, in the ground
memories lost,
morning frost.
groggy sound
intriguing resound.
familial contact tossed
layaway, high the cost
no fireplace recounts abound
one of five
inexplicable tragedy
attempt at Gatsby
his history contrive,
implore, answers fragile
the handful uncovered - ghastly

child's pose, crumpled like a rough draft
can't curl up any tighter,
she burrows within her protective shell

she begs aloud for reprieve
from the air she breathes
the depths of her soul cry

sutured sadness manifests in untamed tears

the atmosphere is weighted;
with effort, she fill she fills her lungs
with life

silent, stagnant, stale.
permanent, powerless position
time won't stop; she falls behind

running in place, motion averted
the fight within her is gone
her whimpers interrupted --

with a knock

his arms, safe and secure,
gently lift her weary soul
dawn breaks

tiny, blue frame; dented and worn
weak whisper, fragile heart
means that allowed, a quiet trust to born
silent cries, a retrospect start

impossibly ignored, bold change
you first, a timely trade, pre-arranged
confident, commanding; one-eighty in stride
elated; awaiting the destination of this ride

strip me naked, deteriorating worth
bruised and broken, perfect porcelain façade
hidden degradation, Holy love unearth
vulnerable prey, inescapable ****
mended by the Healer, washed clean in rebirth
loved completely, though ***** and stained and flawed
allure unimagined, inconceivable  
wed in white, pure, beautiful, receivable

anticipated return, He's coming back
in victorious glory, He holds his bride
with Him, restoration; there's nothing I lack
when the notion of grace settled in, I cried
hesitant, yet desiring your closeness
timid, wrapped in your gentle arms, I confide
many times I tried, my head won, and I stopped
teacher of trust; I, as Your own, you adopt

pivotal point.
crucial chronology.
momentous moment.
determining decision.
essential epoch.

gnarled like teeth, twisted IV and  
no thought common sensical, but
skewed thoughts burning calories
hospitals, helping hands
ignorant to this:
emotional,
physical,
I am
sick.

bitterness, resentment, and envy
looked upon with disdain unmatched
crippling lack of confidence,
plagued with a jaundiced eye
security gone
incompetent
feelings now
haunt me
help

calling me, ensuring our safety
worried, affection unequaled
and this wasn't the first time
"better safe than sorry"
unparalleled bunch,
forever friends,
genuine
unmatched
love

I wish I could decipher you
insufficient explanation construed
words may fail and logic falter,
the account I'd never alter

a beautiful culmination
purposed, intricate summation
as poetic as a psalter,
the account I'd never alter

transcendent, pleasant mystery
exquisite, written history
content, soaring past the vaulter
the account I'd never alter

I wish I could decipher you
the account I'd never alter

wrapped in your embrace, fears erase
sole act of vicarious kindness
naught benevolence, sincere face
from you: security, guidance

uneasy apprehension, stilled
acceptance of endless madness
fatherly void, pleasantly filled
from you: security, guidance

nostalgic'ly nestled; hidden,
serene poise, sharing my sadness
dismal submission: forbidden  
from you: security, guidance

wrapped in your embrace, fears erase
from you: security, guidance

slithering snake, clenches your throat
wraps mind, squeezes life from your veins
energy enemy, bitter bloat
daunting journey, lurking shadows

constricted, conflicted outcast
unable to free from the chains
worn down from life's toll, heavy past
daunting journey, lurking shadows

forbidden to fail, forced to eat
crying, trying, relationship strains
internally free, dinner feat
daunting journey, lurking shadows

conquered mind war, truce to take care
bare me, scary, all that remains
victorious I rise, baptized
daunting journey, lurking shadows

sensitive, internally torn
wrist, red and worn
delicate heart,
temptations start

beautiful blade, rescue me please
slicing with ease
purposeful heed
one thing I need

staged compassion, patience worn thin
imposed chagrin
desperate cries
sigh, blood red eyes

you saw me grow, I'm not lucky
please set me free
hating mealtime
wipe second slime

I want a stomach that works, please.
easy to tease
supposed to be
helping me, she

cries out, eating experience
I'm serious
not in my head
mealtime I dread

and I'm the particular one
when it's my problem, shoulder shun
disregarded, obsession mute
sister quarrel, deeper dispute
please help me, I can't control it
long to be free, not throw a fit
full perspective, issue minute
sister quarrel, deeper dispute
love, despite my longing order
when found secure, no disorder
different when it's - you - refute
sister quarrel, deeper dispute
and I'm the particular one
sister quarrel, deeper dispute