no more
thinking
rest your head
and move on to the next
day
we all make mistakes
but we all make choices
and i want to make new choices
i want to surprise myself
i don't think i ever have
this opportunity is here
make it happen
make it count
you're on

i want to be nothing
that seeks nothing
that seeks everything
aside from you
in me
to be
the whole of myself

Trying to wrap my head around
your mistakes
and why you did
what you did
but the answers aren't coming
and she keeps singing
"you know, we could be great"
but if i'm taking inventory
you were never a sanctuary
but *******, you were so sweet for a couple months
but i know myself
and i could wallow in the small moments of good
and have it all overlook
what hurt you have caused
and **** it
I don't want to love you anymore
I don't even think I do
it's just that nights are hard
and with idle time, comes an idle mind
but you just can't be what i think about anymore.

i'm not ready
for another's headspace
and all that it takes
to love someone so hard
i see you lady
i see you and i want so badly to want to see you
but i just don't
lying next to you
is an effort
that i'm sure i could get at with practice
(as with most things)
but i have no patience now
the last girl who had my heart
has left me
scarred

i'd like to remember you
in the greatest light
how perfect your smile was
how firm you touched me
the way you laughed on the basketball court
the nights we made love and meant it
your rants about gardening
your voice lifting when you spoke confidently
your lips as you would recite every lyric to Lil Wayne
your mind as we would lay side by side
how warm your skin felt against mine
our mutual love for the secret Mexican spot
your blue, blue eyes
how soft they would stare at me
for a time
and god, i loved that time
you hated your hands
but oh, i loved them
you owned me
i was your map
for a time
and god, i miss that time
when your words breathed romance
and i felt drunk off what you were giving out
and you gave, and you gave, and you gave
and it felt insane
it felt free
it felt like i was in love

oh, i want to remember all this
and not your striped underwear on the floor
to the left of you
her legs tangled in your sheets
your head, cowered
eyes hung over the drapes of shame
we all felt
in different ways

don't make this the last thing i see from you
you decide that
you show me
if you want to

looking back
i remember the first day
you and i hung out alone together
it was early in the morning
and it was all for you
you, wearing your faded black levi's
along with nervous energy
running through your legs
into mine
i felt it
all the while
your green hoodie containing it all
in
i could hardly believe you were allowing me a shared space
at one time, i thought i was the luckiest girl
you gave me the People magazine that had haunted my entire childhood
good god, what is childhood
but wrecked hopes and defeat?
You captured it all perfectly between your teeth
and the gasp i let out when i opened your gift
but now god, what is now
but frustrations and held in sighs?
When i loved you, i wanted to die
when you loved me, i wanted everything

late night
up
making love to his voice
and his voice alone
but i am alone
realizing that we are done
your timid actions
i once deemed sweet
now seem young, spilling out deceit
and i now lay
in our defeat
more in my own
we took in our prime
when i thought i loved a saint
i was merely a fool
reciting out your lines
as a means to control
what out
comes
and i can only be humbled by this