we were a scenario that does not exist
it never did
you got intrigued
left your old for a new thing
then got caught up in that wave for a bit
and aw, we were fools because i thought it was bliss
fast forward
to your shrugs and lines
you'd recite
just to get through the night
and i played a part in it
no blame in this
just an honest view
of how you left another and another
that equals two
on to the next
you're so **** good at that
but i don't envy
what you're getting yourself into
darlin, it's not worth
what you're losing
but you got the visions
that i don't see
and i'm not one to fight for what's not worth it
or beg and plead
for a woman with a soft backbone
and careless inflections
no, i don't think you're a bad person
but i don't think you're good for me
and that's a shame
but i'm done dwelling
on what we almost had
no one ever won at that

This is how nights are going to be
Now
Without you
Better get used to it

dark skin
light heart
you always had a way of making me feel
completely invincible
you still do
even if i don't speak to you

Not looking for casual ***
that's too easy
too easy
leaves me empty
this modern day truth is not made for me
i refuse
i'll stay alone forever if it's gonna be this way
nothing is sacred
everyone is everything
and nothing
and we all say we "love" each other
to new strangers
before we even know their middle names
or how they look like when they lie
or how their father's voice sounds like
(and i have heard your father's voice-you called him just so i could hear
him-it was a Sunday. Do you remember?)
where we value meaningless moments
over loyalty or truth
and i could have been so devoted to you
but naw, you didn't want it
but enough about you
you
you who was
you who never will be
you
you
you
i can't pretend and try to minimize you
you will be what i write about for some time
you will be a story i longingly tell someday
but you won't be the only story i tell
and you aren't the love of my life
because who knows what that even means
modern day love
is
temporary
hostile
withdrawn
withheld
forlorn
complicated
without­ directions
or foresight
tamed
forgotten
unorthodox
a given

and all i want
is forever
unyielding

i'm aware that you and i see things very differently
yet we feel most alike
in many ways
you and i could be the same person
at least that is what we used to say

now i've heard you say that a number of times
certain choice words you would use to describe me or "us"
now you use upon new strangers or old haunts
and i keep that in my mind
each time reminding me
of that timeless cliche
"actions speak louder than"...
i don't even allow myself to finish the thought
because i'm tired of cliches
i'm tired of the obvious
i want to be wowed
i want someone to come over and blow my mind
i'm ready for it
i thought i had it
but it came up short
she needed to part ways
in her mind it all makes sense
so i can't knock it
so i don't
instead- i just invisibly shrug my shoulders and
look up

oh, the way that you used to look at me
i hid behind the pillar of futures unknown
you gave me your bracelet from your right wrist
in the bathroom
within seconds missed
my chest, a closing in drone
heavy sighs my darling
you were such a heavy thing

spiraling down
we both went down
and it was beautiful
until it just was not anymore

but for a few months
it was bliss

she was right
when she said
that she doesn't like to save love letters
or even nice notes as gestures
maybe "right" is not the right word
maybe "smart" is the better choice
because while she can walk away
and see through it
i'm left with dozens of screen shots of our old romance
and how romantic she could be
i don't dare look at them
they stay, haunting my photo albums on this computer screen
but i refuse to indulge
because i'm afraid of how they'll hit me

so, tonight
i will start something new
possibly
maybe
i should

new choices
in not loving you
or rather learning how
to not love you
and to nourish
these feelings that were what you used to call
"sacred"