gentle
i was not gentle with you
in moments,
i can
and i am
but this place has me wondering at times

i want my thoughts to align
with my actions
and that is something i've been wanting to work on darling
whether or not you continue to stick around

i am feeble
and frantic
and pure
but manic
fleeting
and granite
loyal
but tantric
easily moved
yet stagnant
in this resolve to love
holy
but caustic
loving
yet nothing
chilling
and all consuming
but
pure, pure, pure

stand still
over the windowsill
where my love for you was left
"you" meaning multitudes

i can't let this happen again
where my head gets lost
drowned
sinking
swim

SWIM
because you have to
because you've so much left
because you are the only one who will force you to

This last year was so easy to forget my work ethic
it was so easy to give up
but I'm building
i've been building all along
sometimes, i forget it

but it's during these times
the Universe plays it's tricks
and reminds me
sometimes, not so gently
but enough

i don't get ya sometimes
i'm trying

it's in small moments
when we are honest with one another
and i wish these small moments
lasted longer
so that we could actually grow from them
rather than just mind **** each other

i want to know you
i want to adore and endure this
i want to learn you
i want to love you
i want to understand how easily you change time
and your mind
and your glance

you asked me the other day if you think we are compatible
i haven't been able to shake off your question
because i never once doubted that
but by you asking, it shows you have

and i have nothing to say about that
other than
it's just sad.

the easiest thing
would be to retreat
back into me
in the parked van
outside her doorstep
crying endlessly
for someone that just won't come
and who will never
again
pounding my nervous fingers on the steering wheel
trying to have you come back
but you took your medicine
and now you're sound asleep in your bed
and i am up, writing all night
high
g o n e
but it's the easiest thing
only having to answer to me
because my words and thoughts turn into feelings
and she just can't handle them
i can hardly handle them myself
i ****** up by reading her work
because it hurt
but it is just that
her work that i admire
intimacy
only creates illusions
and it is the only reason i can't read her words objectively

tonight
was not the night
to see your rant about love at first sight
and i told you that
and i am human for that.
for that, i do apologize.
the reason
so many reasons
is that i felt that for you
and for some time
you told me you felt it too
for a time
you told me many things
things i thought you believed
things i believed as well
and i don't doubt your truth
it's thriving
it's pouring out of you
and many times, it is beautiful
but other times it is difficult to see
because i know
there is no room for me
yet maybe we think
there could be
i want there to be
because i do feel that what i've been feeling for you
all along
was geniune
and it's my truth
now spilling onto you
that makes you not pick up the phone
when i call
to try to tell you
exactly this

Staring at the holy hands of the one woman i have truly worshiped
the only one who deserved it
I know I do not have it
And it had been 5 months since I saw her but at the mere sight of
her small self
those ears i adored
her arms that i knew so well
my chest broke in half and i had nothing to say
everything to say
but it’s not the appropriate time
good god- now’s not the time
so i held the words inside my throat
and stared at the sky while you were talking to your new roommate
about the brand of cigarettes you now smoke
and i remember always hating that you smoked
because i wanted you to live the longest life
because you were my favorite person
because in many ways, you still are
even though we hardly know one another
we will always know the major details
how our loyalty comes out during the important times
how we view cereal as a meal
how you know the stupid things i do to try to impress you
when i hate trying to with anyone else
yet we don't know any of the small details
like what each other had for breakfast
what our last t-shirt purchase was
or when we last cried
that is, until tonight
and there you were,
going on about how American Spirits are now a thing of comfort for you
and my mind can't help but wonder
what it is that you need comfort for
but tears are welling up in my eyes
so instead, i stare at the sky
and try to block out your speech with stars and unseen things

not going to do anyone
any good
being in love with someone
who does not want it