every note, a reminder
of you
every note, a reminder
of why i have to leave

_

wait for it
that's what we say
when we don't know what to do with pain.

_

if i could undress your thoughts
and disregard your arms for armor
we could go there every night
we could go there every night

if i could undo this love
would i want to
(as armor)
we could go there every night
we could go there every night

understand that things got lost
understand that i got lost
understand that things get lost
understand that i got lost

__

in this moment, i don't exist
make me forget
holding my own hand
just for the sake of it
this modern truth
was not made for you
_

father, make me new
just like your used to
take me blindly
forced to understand you
and you can have what's mine
you can have your time
take me blindly
forced to understand
you
you
you

if you have a chest then you should
******* feel it
I'm not a wall, blank slate either

i don't envy these grey areas
it fills the gaps of space of where I could be loving you
instead, we're all going to deny the facts
and wallow in our sins
and wallow in our half-truths

projections of what we think is proper devotions
holy hymns, I am summoning you
to act out
and turn me out
where I can feel nothing but your absence
can you feel me now?
can you tell I'm not telling the truth?

I was always waiting
for marion
for love
can you always hear
what it is
what i am missing

tell me you're alone
tell you i'm your friend
tell you loneliness
is better in the end

when time is nothing but fleeting
and you are nothing but faith to me
to me
to me
to me
i rally my head around what's said
to me
to me
to me

sometimes, don't you wish you could just
disappear
disappear
disappear now
(2)

I wring my hands of this
I wring it all
Shake my head in anger
Shake it off
If you're looking for a savior,
well, aren't we all?
I'm still looking for repair of what's been done years before.
And I stare at the world in different tones
And I swear, sometimes
I just don't know.
Would you forget, would you forgive, would you  go?

And the night leads back to you
But I work too hard for someone to matter
that doesn't matter
And the night leads back to you
But I'm so tired of thinking about you

As long as it's not in your hands
I'll wait for it
As long as it's not in your hands
I'll wait for it

Ever since my Father died, I have felt a lack of awe.
I stare out before me and feel close to nothing.
I want to fix this but I'm not sure how or if there is anything tangible to "fix".
I have dreams where I see his face so clearly- I see his life laid out in layers and I try my hardest to piece it all back together but I'm too slow at the pace.
I am trying to understand what this world means without you.
It is perhaps the hardest thing I've had to do.

It was 4:30 when I got the call.

I knew immediately.

Father,
were you finally at peace?
Last night when you fell asleep, did you know what you'd do in the morning?

The darkest parts of you make up the whole of me.
I've known this my entire life.
I will sleep inside this grief and mourn you everyday.
You and I were more alike.

2 hours later and this does not feel real.
The space between us exists as it ever has.
And I just hope you know how truly loved you were.