Like a loopy bumble bee
filled with carefree
wanderlust
buzzing through the spring alone
Until I found you
my bullheaded
Scorpion
With a structured and
grounded, practical heart
that became my
welcoming
honeycomb ❤

From a cheeky smile
to swollen eyes
able to change from a loud
carefree soul
to a silent volcano
able to erupt any minute
able to form friendships eagerly
but drop them suddenly

A social lone wolf

Viewed by my right brain
as lively, intuitive, an old soul

Viewed by my left brain
as questionable, bipolar,
and deeply morose

All in all
just an alien to myself

A prism of light and dark
with many different sides
stuck in my head
balancing on the edge
between sanity and insanity
all hidden by this
dimpled grin

This steel knot in my throat is suffocating
the life out of me
keeping me from speaking my thoughts freely
letting them accumulate inside
like an infestation
of confusion
and frustration.

My thoughts are whirring
in and out of my ears
I’m pulling my hair
and breaking these glasses
in replace of my voice box that is lacking.
These gnawing parasites are stuck
in my growing pale
limp body
the darkness has spread and
the angels have died
I want so desperately to tear off my skin
and rip out this heart
so maybe then
I could have a fresh start.

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

Your eyes are mirrors of
the blue ocean sea,
and I'm drowning with
every look,
you take of me.
Your stature is tall,
and you have a look of
pride,
but your heart is soft
and gentle,
which drives me wild.
Such delicate skin,
and a soul warming
smile,
you bring peace to my
fierce spirit,
I hope you stay for a
while.