there is one benefit of crawling out of the darkest depth of ones personal hell. Surface level seems pretty ******* awesome.

I feel closer to whole an entire person when you are gone
And you have not called for so long
That your voice the way it is now seems to be fuzzy.
I don’t have to sit in the room with the way you stopped loving me.
I think my love and my hate co exist to create this place of empty distance.
Kind of like the look I see on your face when for a second you see a glimpse
Of a reality you do not want to see in me.
I can not live in the pain that she perpetually pushes
Me in so I chose to walk form her.
Gawk all you want hell turn your nose up
Like you know whats better whats right
I don’t know whats true for you
But my life has never been so black and white.
So perhaps you aren’t seeing enough or more probably
Your projecting your deep need for a perfect ending on me
And seeing as every one sees that she cannot and will not provide
That for anything living dead or in between
All hostile glances lead to me.
The one who was ****** over in the first place.
That makes sense because clearly I have so much control over what she thinks,
Or does or loves for that matter.
If I did don’t you think I would have made her love me again?
Its to gross a truth to swallow and even harder to spit.
I'm not saying whoa is me pity party just stop giving me ****.
No wonder I no longer miss you, seeing you
More often puts a knot in my stomach and bad taste in my mouth
Than those salty tears when empty stare and lies spill out,
floating around filling my ears.
This is the truth I swallow day after day and the very thing
That mother tries to sweep away. You make me
A little sick like kristianna just someone I’m nice to to keep the piece
And then I go home happy I can finely sit and breath,
Escape from the intangible stink of someone who lies to me and themselves
We are nothing but a scab you ripped off
For so long but has finnaly settled into this
Hard disgusting crater of a puckered scar
That I’m so thankful to have it seems perhaps in it’s own way divinely inspired.
Like the rough faces of the grand canyon or the
Raw nature of a sun flower,
the dual nature of the awe inspired
like a pretty new baby at a funereal .
I don’t see myself ever wanting a thing from you.
Not again not a hug a hello or a smile,
I am fine to always be away from you.
I feel closer to whole an entire person when you are gone
And you have not called for so long that your voice the way it is now seems to be fuzzy.
I don’t have to sit in the room with the way you stopped loving me
perhaps we should stop playing the game and just call it.
you win again a hundred to ten,
If you were bigger you’d a bought it but you stole it.
To much to risk a gamble but you rolled it.
Glad it played how you planned keep my heart
I don't need it you broke it.

I wish it were simple enough that I could cry
And stamp my feet at it,
let my eyes catch fire and my chest implode
To the beating of my agry fist.
Make there way the easy way,
but
I no more know there is a way
then I know there is a purpose.
Everything is a half shadow dripping from the elusive
And enigmatic nature of the unknown.
And you can not scream or stomp
At the silent,
Or the invisible,
You cannot pound your fist over a shadow,
You can’t bellow at the top of your lungs
Over things that reside under your own skin
And wreak havoc between the walls of your own head.

   If you have accompanied loneliness
   A little longer than bliss
   i have to remember your feeling this
   hell, you can sit here with the rest
   of us to attest
   to the greatest wall of them all,
              for a generation raised on the temptations
              of instant gratification,  
              throwing fits over adds
              aired on there favorite stations,
              we were never prepared to deal with
              overwhelming  alienation.
                        ­        I want to scream over
                                oceans of silence
                                not cheap ways to appease
                                desires  born
                                out of isolation
                                look into the pain of your eyes
                                and screech my defiance.
                                find a real friend in alliance.
                                in all the fast race days,
                                welling in pressure and change
                                          were forgetting our ways to find
                                          a person and stay.
                                          every one cries, screams and pleads
                                          every ones dieting and fighting
                                          wanting the exact same things
                                          every ones to busy walking away
                                          too look at each other
And whisper
"I want you to stay"

I think you said it my heart beats hard in my head the raw edges of the hole in my chest aches like fingers submerged in frozen wake. Single syllable that makes me weak in the knees . Single word that brings me to a harder place where my heart would bring me to the floor I would sob until I couldn't any more and I was lost in unrequited love locked in all my pain. My chest constricts head rolling over feelings mixed at the thought of feeling safe with my guard down with sharp syllable like that being thrown around. Did he just call me? No he didn't say..

Its in the smell of you t shirt,
Its on my sheets,
It lingers on me.
Your memory.
Captivating, entrancing,
Thoughts of you dancing in space,
The rise of your cheeks,
When your smiling at me.
The set of your face.
The look in your eyes.
The set pace you take,
As you take stride
To walk away,
when I said goodbye.
And your arms moved from around my waist,
Memories, and the heavy weight,
Of missing you came
To take its place.

It’s in the smell of your t shirt,
It’s on my sheets,
It lingers on me.
Your memories.

I wonder how you see me
Through your long lashed eyes,
Closed ones, open ones, dark ones,
Slanted ones I wonder how
You see me under your own light.
I probably look a little fragile
Like porcelain before the kiln,
Like maybe I have never known a thing about
Whatever it is you think living means,
I’ve watched glass brake,
Under the hand of my drunk father,
I hate Christmas, and not because
No God exist either,
I just hate being sad over earthly things,
Hell on earth.. Christmas same **** thing.
If money is power than I’ve never been anything.
I’ve been stolen.
You don’t even know what that means.
That’s ok because when it gets down to
It you don’t know much of anything.
Whatever you are viewing,
Unless you ask you have no idea how
I’m just too **** human.
You haven’t understood a single fiber of my being,
Optimism and naivety, seem to me to be,
To similar in making and
Each as tragic in there breaking,
Even if you looking and I’m speaking,
In bits and pieces
On a page like puzzle pieces,
There’s a lot I’ve left unsaid,
Everyone’s blind you’re
Never going to see me,
Unless you reach out to feel me.
Then you’ll know I’ve been burned
Have vitrified and
Don’t give a **** what you've seen with those pretty eyes.
I made me a perfect version of myself,
I’m someone’s favorite vase ,
And I look gorgeous on the shelf

At some point I became a ghost
In my own house,
Just a shadow dancing past closed doors,
hurt feelings swelling under old scars,
like a bursting seem, holding back broken dreams.
Picking the wounds off and leaving
The skeletons in the closet
Where they belong.
I would love to feel, but it’s been too long.
Old friends fall in the backdrop silently
Somehow they have become the walls.
You’re the only one who not hiding
The only friend to reach out and feel me.
The only thing encouraging breathing,
I guess most people don’t speak to ghosts
I guess most people don't see me.

Blue eyes and soft air bathed in the soft grasp of Sun rays, captured by the memory of yesterdays. You carry the word in your tiny palm. Your immense courage the substance sustaining my persistence. The irrevocable auroras centered around your little smile all of life glowing in your glancing eyes. You are moving even in your deepest slumber, just remember it's never over I am always falling more in love with you. When your older I hope you remember all the yesterdays and at your core my little darling that you are the summer.

I was counting on you hellopoetry to engage my mind.

Feathery blond hair and watery blue eyes
That glow like sun reflecting of the bottom of a pool.
Sad orbs humbled by the way life has treated you,
Now that your older , a year or two, you have slowed
To a calmer calculation of the ugly world.
You hold your head up like you need to see,
Not like you are
too proud,
and you speak,Only when you need heard not just
To be loud.
And you see more with your soft glow than
I could ever share
out loud.
We speak more between shared looks
Caught between quickened glances
And a slow pace than words shared
At face to face or hostile stances,
More in your actions
Then in an element more fake, you take
The hard things with me, without a blink
Hesitation or the loss of sleep.
I trust you more than anyone ,anything,
And you trust me the same, I think,
I thank you for being Stone with a soft face,
The strongest and fast paced, the calmest
And well placed, thanks for being the one I save,
And being my little brother  still ,
Long after your old enough, big enough to ****
My fragile dreams.
It seems between you and I nothing changes,
I’ll probably never have you read this , same way we never say it,
Promises are better kept before the day their stated.
But I’ll be what you need,
And today's beast we’ll slay it.

Its like the sound of glass breaking,
Like fingers cold and aching,
Of frigid air that bites,
Like my chest is open,
Where a part of me is missing,
The wound bleeding and hissing.
The raw wounded edges,
Are hidden and put to ease,
By the tainted bandage of numbness,
The numbness that thieves,
Every moment of happiness,
The sharp edge to my pain.
And one day after a day,
A day and a day,
I wake and suddenly I’m drowning,
In the wake of my fears,
Its all consuming, overwhelming,
Terrified through my tears.
And panic wells up in me,
Like hot acid shooting through me,
And it fills up my chest
And my body is shaking,
As it steels my breath,
As I fall to my knees,
And the pressure keeps building
Like a bomb in my chest.
Every breath that I’m taking,
Faster-faster-faster
I-need-to-catch-it-soon…
My lungs lurch as I close my eyes,
Because I’m sitting in a shifting room.
I clamp a cold hand on my hot mouth.
My lungs heave.
My brains telling me airs escaping me
But I know better, I’m gasping.
And I see that’s more air than I could possibly need.
And I’m dizzy, I tighten my hand.
I bite down hard and hold back, until stars fade.
And my existence, everything that I am.
I put into taking only one- single- breath.
All of me praying I can slow down the next.
And hold it.
My lungs lurch a little less.
The pain slowly eases inside my chest.
I shake less intensely,
My body starts listening.
And I take a breath.
That one simple beautiful breath,
Holding me up in the ocean
like an orange life vest.
And I lie panting and covered in sweat.
With tear covered eyes,
Grasping at my aching chest.
Still alive and living with the stress
I just almost died of loneliness.

Every argument is the end of the world.
It is without doubt the crumbling of everything
Wonderful in your current existence,
It just is, end of thought no sense in resistance.
My words are fire bringing you down down
To some personal hell, I’m astounded
That you have found this, so simply to be your
Honest truth, I have little patience, I hate this
And you become inpatient when I’m laughing
At the time you’ve wasted, and I don’t feel bad
For finally saying the things neither of us look forward to facing
But its better than letting all this stuff chase us,
But its not us is it, its only me how dare I
Slow down long enough to confront anything
Surly once again I have brought about the inevitable end,
And why would I go out of my way to ruin
Such a beautiful thing, I guess I’m just mean.
Isn’t that what you said?

We look at mirrors he says
We watch our own expressions
Play in the reflections of their eyes
Measure our feeling in anothers  reciprocation
Desperation in the realization
You feel pain well under your skin,
You experience ache and temptation
Differently
You think
Pensively
You introspect conceding
The distance between your being and
The things you see playing  on the face in front of you
Maybe
The same
No,
You blame them,
You blame everything
on yourself.
You just want the one moment when
Humanity can exist in cohesion
And you can realize yourself
And everyone will see it.
And for once you will see them.
The same.

I keep trying to wrap my head around
The aching in my chest
I keep second guessing all the people who loved me best
And perhaps why I’m crying and feel
My soul unwinding,
Is my hearts been trying to
Get the attention of the two girls who had me
In a dark world, regardless of what was happening
Now think me pathetic and time has shown
That I don’t really know
If I was out grown , or
If after pain I came to think space
Even in darkness a nice place,
Regardless I miss feeling like
I belong and I try long and hard
But there are few people
Fewer places to call home,
And in the distance in the dark
I just wish I had you in my arms.
In arms that have yet harm
My throbbing heart ripped out my chest,
And laid bare to rest on your strong fingertips,
A risk I cannot fathom in a time like this
But non the less it happened,
And you make me happy,
In ways I never thought I would again
I have the best lover my best friend.
And I cry when your leaving
But don’t fall into thinking your thieving
Away my happiness, your smile
Dear is why it exists.

He picked at the edges
For days over days
Until he tore me open
And everything inside me spilled
Red in blind rage
Dripping with everything I never said.
Hid inside lines slipped under the tip
Of my fumbling pen.
Pooling in trembling fingertips
Misting eyes and dampening lips
That hadn't spoken in so long
They gushed
From the dam I broke
**** I’m broke
I’m broken, I've found my edge
Don’t you know loose ends
and nervous hands
Lead to unraveling?
You are maddening
Soak me up, or I will run down the pain
Continue traveling toward something real
Like a rain drop hurtling down toward earth
And I won’t hurt half as much as I do
When I’m near you.

See me? My little nose,
My brown hair,
See me there, my pale skin,
Like porcelain
Speckled with kisses from the sun,
See me there my gray blue eyes,
Shining like the summer sky.
See me there is that me,
That smiling face,
Existing twice in time and space,
is that me?
That face to used to be safe…
Is that me? Am I that face,
Repeated too often,
To clear to mistake
So you think that’s me?
My heart is breaking,                                  ~~~      ~~~          ­                                  
Behind my face....                                         (o)  |   (o)    Behind my face no one sees me.  
my voice is  S     A       I        G    .....               :   ^    .      Behind my face I cannot be me.                    
                        H     K      N                              :   =           From my face I pray you free me.

I call you and you are upset.
You tell me how I make you feel,
Head reals and steals a beat from my chest.
Words mid flight killed by the silence
Of your end of the phone you,
Hung up.
I call again and try to explain and tell you
That we are both to blame
In this terrible mess,
Both to blame for our empty chests.
I just wa...
You hung up.
I dial hand shaking heart quaking,
Do not hang up again I am trying to
Say the things needed to be said.
And I remember how every effort scares you.
You say my words are not worth a thing
And then i realized
You are still...
Hung up.
silence
not
a
thing
has
changed
I  miss you.

Shifting words
I keep thinking
I'll find a way to say
All these things
That elude
Articulation
Sy sy syllables
Slip away
Before I have
A chance
To say
What you need
Trapped behind
An illiterate mute
Like me.
Wish I was blind
So I couldn’t watch
As you sink,
Drowning in
The violent waves
Of screaming silence.  
Can’t think anything
And as you turn away
Heart broken,
I realize noting spoken
Will compare
To the damage done
By a silent stare.

You are the color brown.
It’s silly but when you say
It’s cuz I’m brown huh,
I’m smiling for another reason.
You are open to the summer sky,
Free feeling like my favorite season.
The ground under stumbling feet.
Ready to catch me,
Your stable reserved soft so warm.
You are all around me,
Awe inspiring astounding.
Leave me calm and centered, and heart pounding.
You’re the heat, flickering in front of me.
Flames fluttering, spontaneous,
the smell of musk, earth and sweet smoke,
Swirling, and taking me in.
Words unafraid to be spoke
You spoke then,
Whispers of the truth,
You know I’m broken.
Coals warm and glowing.
It’s the words you give to me,
No it’s the subtle sway in your walk,
It’s the sincere sound of your voice,
That one look when you talk.
No none’s lost in gest ,
Its that feeling I have deep in my chest.
When I cry , and you don’t reach,
Because you love me.
It’s in the way you never called,
Hopped in the car to get me.
Let it be said I can’t know
What you feel, but I know,
That you love me, I can’t begin to know
What you gave in hopes
that right now I’d be happy.
If I could say one thing ,
And have you know that I mean it.
Whisper one truth in the hopes that you’d see it .
I never chose him because you weren’t worth it.
I would give you my heart,
But half has been engaged,
Now I’m lost in myself choked by the haze.
And I say it again,
My choice was made for me,
I cannot win;
I guess I’ll just say,
You’re just barely more
than my very good friend.

It swirls it twirls,
Everything blurred by that one baby girl.
Blue eyes glowing, her blond hair catching the wind.
I hold her hand, say her name,
Watch her grin her silly grin.
Her body sways while the music is playing,
While they play through the day while
Suns shining, the day is unwinding.
We’re in the car
And as we approach I hear
This gentle crying;
A part of me is dyeing.
It tears my heart to pieces.
I want to give her what she wishes.
She whispers, with teary blue eyes.
“I wish time would freeze so you would be mine.
Don’t go stayyyyy with me.
When you’re gone I miss you,
Don’t leave don’t say goodbye.”
Her little lip quivers,
I’m so sorry I have to go..
All I can do is lean down and kiss her,
She is my youngest little sister
And I already miss her,
Her screaming in the morning,
Stubborn demands, her tiny fingers
On her hot little hand
her blue eyes glowing,
Even her quivering chin.
The red truck pulls away,
She’s about to live her life
And I’m about to miss it.

In the dark, the cold air breaths,
And sends a shiver down my back,
In the dark my best friend leaves,
And I’m afraid she won’t come back,
In the dark my heart is marked,
And my sister turns away,
In the darkness I realize,
That I don’t want to stay.
In the darkness I found a light,
And you made my happiness clear,
Your whispered breath and broken smile,
Gently bring me here.
In the dark, your arms are open,
Your skin it cast off light.
Your voice so deep and sweet to me,
Says that I will be alright.

Falling in love is easy
Apparently I am inherently designed
To fall with my head over my heels.
It has been said I fall
Gracefully

I fell in love with deep confessions
And soft whispered conversations
That painted the inside of my mind and
Interior of your truck
And filled our favorite parking spaces
beyond capacity

Then things got interesting
Because when
We explored each other
we did it  safely
Comparing every metaphorical scar
And the depths of our tenacity.
Exploring the carnage that existence in this world
inevitably leaves behind
We changed each other’s minds
We sought each other’s faces in the same urgency
We fled from our fears.
For years
You showed me it is possible to lend the ones you love a little space
While denying them distance.
You are a persistence I aspire to.

While you listened I found a lot of things
In those beautiful brown eyes.
Some things I can’t explain
Some designed
to change the way I conceive my name ,
Made in innocence and in complete sincerity
To make me find a bit of clarity
on what I’m worth
And what I deserve
I was falling
And you called with arms open
Speaking patience through your somber eyes
Suddenly soft spoken,
In all these years you refused to let circumstance
change what we had always been,
It was in the claim of best friend
And the way you never flinched
At my weakness never scoffed at my fears even when we both know
They were always so different from yours.  

It emerged slowly,
As I fit under your arm,
Under your palm when you wiped my tears
In quivering voices in urgent phone calls,
In the constant rebuilding
When I was lost you refused to lose me
Surly this should cost me something,
But it continued to cost me nothing,

You confessed I pay you in my smiles
You made me think I was beautiful
Because you complete me..
And I have never seen something
as astounding and breathtaking as your face
I could trace it all day
My handsome man
stay
My very best friend
You so often lend me your sanity
Even when your disappointed
Even when you are mad at me.
I promise I will always try with all I have to offer
To give you what you have given me.
Even when you falter
even when your whispering
"Tearani I've lost me."
just know your home
and I'll never leave you falling.

she found an inspiration, where no one saw the light, she lay down next to it, feeling that its right, She whispered softly like the wind the gentlest of breeze, she saw it in the straying light and swaying in the trees. She lay beside the water, glistening like gold, it was lighting up like fire, above the moon was full. In nature words are often heard when looking through the night, they ushered her to written word, She'd ignite in silent flight, toward unknown destinations. This is where she realized through the testing of her patience, she saw herself inside the woods, the shade, the light, the trees, she herd her voice sway through the air, her voice gave life to breeze. She saw her hopes and aspirations in the facets of gleaming wake; she saw her empty desperation and the pain that darkness takes. She ran to silent shaded woods to clear here bothered mind, but she only need look into herself to see what she must find.

This ******* thing
Gripping, ripping tearing,
Worse screaming reeling abused and wailing,
This thing grasping at
My patience. I hate this.
Can’t take it,
I want to make it all fall away,
But I’m so afraid that when,
I escape from this blanket,
You have  carefully placed, tight
Against my angry face,
That you will be nowhere,
Gone like the sound of
The words you say but do not mean.
Fabric tightens.
Now I cannot scream.
Forgive me
For now I am gone.
Forgive me
For I cannot be what I was before.
Forgive me for my inconsistencies
I cannot be sure of anything
Anymore.
I am so angry.

If I could have captured you
In that moment and made it stay
Make it the truth, make it the way
I felt you with .Then maybe,
I would get to sit across from you,
And trace your face with eager fingertips
And reside here in your presence and listen
To the somber hum of your voice
Slip off your lips,
And maybe I could say it all,
By leaning over
To take your kiss.
Perhaps it is as it should be.
And you were always meant to sway
All the way around me,
To silent to be satisfying.
Than I’m still glad that in some sick way,
When I close my eyes,
I feel you have found me.

Call after me as I hurry down worn and withered road,
Cramming hands in pockets to hide them from biting cold,
Call after me as I’m walking quietly down the halls,
I've left my friends and family beyond abandoned walls,
Call after me my future friend walking from place to place,
I spend all day out and about with not a conversation face to face,
So call after me in the garden, in the school, my town, my life,
Call after me when my face is blank and it appears i'm rather shy,
Call to me from where the reverie lies deep within my mind,
And just wait and see I bet we’ll be great friends in given time.

I am smiling
Because I should feel like crying.
But I don’t.
I am smiling because in my head
I tell myself you’ll be there for me
But you won’t.
I am smiling
Because I’m tired of crying,
But I feel like dying and I needed
Someway to cope,
I am smiling

Have you never been in love before?
I felt your breathing tremble, much like my own
You sway into a feeling you have never worn
And I wonder if you even know
What your falling under if
You know the reason you are warm
And cold
And vibrating
At a new frequency and why
After all this time you are seeing me
In all these colors you have never known
If you think I am showing you things
I have never shown
When really I’m the same I just
Lie differently in your new gaze
And I’m just a bit fuzzy in this new haze
And I wouldn't trade it
I just want to know if this is the first time you felt
The light on your skin and basked in the glow
If this is your first time in waters so warm.
I’m watching you stumble into grace
With the wide eyes of a small child
In a new space
And  it becomes clear as you draw near
That you have never loved before.

You say that people are always pushed into what they are
by the people around.
Nothing moves you like the members of your town.
we lean to fit right. And if we can’t
We brake.
There are the high tracks,
and the low tracks that’s just how it is.
There’s no time you don’t know it.
its true among kids.
You know when you are different.
I remember it, but It doesn't quite fit.
I was to old for my age, to aware of my pain.
But I had friends who smiled when I said something funny,
Who wore all new cloths, had daddy  n’ mommy
I suppose they saw me see myself differently.
And they agreed that they were not so different from me.
I never split it down the middle only vertically.
It wasn’t the kids with or without the money
that meant a thing to me.
What would happen when you defined,
You by yourself, and not on so much by
Your family and wealth.
The ones that were like me saw that I had a chance,
That I was a person and  had choice were to stand,
I blossomed in a strange place between,
The kids without money and kids with new things,
And all throughout life I’ve had all kinds of friends.
There are high tracks and low tracks
And both of them bend.

When I met you,
your tiny face was peaking from the side of the grand bus seats that towered over us.
Hiding in a row of castles.
Your brown eyes telling of the smile hiding behind the tinny knuckles of your gripping fingers.
Instantly sizing me up
like you thought you were taller than me.
I just wanted to know your name,
We were best friends in ten minutes
I felt I had always known you.
We were all so young that you my sister and me all sat together
in the same seat.
That seems like it was so long ago.
The first time I left you I was the fourth grade.
We had a whole collective of other friends we had made.
But you were always the best
Because you never cared about your dress or your hair
Just like me.
And I knew you were afraid of slugs
And I never told anyone ,
not a single one
Of our secrets because they were only our own..
For years you were the only best friend
I was lucky to know.
And when I returned you held on to me
exactly like you had never let go,
In high school boys came and went
And I would sit while you cried and tell you all the reasons I loved you,
And sometimes you did that too.
And somewhere along the line
You cut me out.
A few years  have past and I still don’t know why ,
I still think of you and yeah, I cry.
But I hope you found yourself.
I hope that  understand and,
I hope you smile often
As often as you can,
I hope your pain subsides
And you think of me fondly, honestly
I will never understand.
But I think that that’s ok.
All good things come to an end
they say.
I guess I never believed....
I just couldn't comprehend
..a time...
when
I couldn't call you
my
very
best
friend.


And I miss you.

Hope lies,
It flies to new places and dies.
Disguises the things you want
With dimpled cheeks eyes wide,
They cry, lids flutter sigh.
I see it there but it’s still not mine,
Just out of reach, just beyond my grip,
Fleeting from my fingertips.
Silent whispers fill the air,
Tell my failures I feel them there,
A sudden heartache,
Fear of doom,
Confessions given
To an empty room.

Hold myself together, to afraid to fall apart.
That sound that weeps upon me, the sound of a tearing heart.
I hold myself together , to afraid to see the sight.
I close my eyes and dream through another wary night.
My heart has been forgotten abandoned in the rain, the worse to come from one so young is the tears that fall like rain,
and worse than the empty sorrow is leaving her alone.
Although I know the pain, its worse to see her own.
I hold myself together so she wont fall apart,
I’ve seen the sight before ,like a poison in your heart.
I scream in pain , but all in vain it never goes away.
I wake up in the morning feeling the same way.
I search in desperation, I fight to find a light ,
but its hard to find a little dot in the grate abyss of night.
We wander down into the deep no sound is herd no thought to keep.
The feelings build upon the stage ,through my tears and heart they play.
I hold myself together to afraid of losing hope.
I hold myself together because now its all I know.
I hold myself together so I can trust myself.
I need to believe in someone even if theres no one else.
I hold myself together because she’s by my side,
If she wasn’t her with me I think there would never be a light, there would never be a hope of day , no thoughts of laughter none of play, no reason left to fight, I would Surely sink away into the endless abyss of night.

Hush , freaze, pause, breath,
Hold onto what it really means,
Even if it means it’s changed,
Even if it’s changed every thing.
I think if I blink I might die again.
I think if I breath it will be the end.
But my chest is so so tight
That air can't find it's way in.
Restart my brain restart my heart,
And think of it and spin
The hardest part of all of this
Is knowing how it ends.

Just so you know the world would go on if you left.
But it would never go on the same.
There would be an empty sorrow in air
whenever I heard your name.
I would fall so distantly from light.
The happy thoughts I had at night.
I would be left holding onto empty memories,
Where a smile and a friend that meant everything should be,
The way you always make me whole,
And listen to every word you’re told.
The way you care holds me together.
As far as a friend goes I couldn’t have found better.
Your little brother hops around tracing footsteps on the ground.
He will never find another, like the steps of his older brother.
Without you he would be lost, like me he needs your light to see.
I don’t think I could find the words to make you know
Exactly what you mean to me.
How can I tell you what you mean?
A caring word, the way you smile,
The way you make the days’ worth while.
But that’s just a little of myself you are the world to someone else.
I know you think it wouldn’t matter.
But no other thought could make me sadder.
Than a person like you lost to the world,
You wouldn’t make the world stop turning.
We both know that’s true.
But you would make a constant yearning,
A screaming gap, with someone as rational as you,
It’s strange for me to see.
How you don’t know that the world needs you like glue.
At least that’s true for me.
The world would just keep spinning
And I would come unwound,
You, my friend I promise the world needs you around.
It reminds me of my home sick days
In the car when we drove away,
You may feel so small to the world,
But to a few you’re what holds us here it’s true.
You’re the home I want to come home to.
To afraid to be taken away and too afraid to leave.
I will not leave so my only fear is you leaving me.
The world would not end, I just wouldn’t see.
I wouldn’t come home, and I wouldn’t be me.
And so much….
Would be lost to the world.

There’s no need to cut me open,
Sit still for just a moment  
and I will show you my scars,
If you want to see them,
You can compare them to yours,
Our stories
Are very different
And I’m not going to pretend like to know me
You have to always be my friend,
Take me for whatever it is you wanted to
and
Stay as long as you wish
And leave when you don’t.
Show me what you want to let me know
And see what I have to say
Don’t give me empty promise

Do not promise me you’ll stay.
And I will learn something of you and
Find something in myself,
Maybe even something I couldn’t find in anybody else

And I will be grateful
But I will miss you when you’re gone
And soon enough another lonely
Will finally come along
And look at me and see themselves.

And I will say quickly before they cut me with there tongue…
There’s no need to cut me open,
Sit still for just a moment
and I will show you my scars,
If you want to see them,
You can compare them to yours,
Our stories
Are very different
And still very much the same,
If you question if you’re crazy
That’s a sign that your still sane.

Are you looking for validation?
Are you looking for the truth?
Are you looking for a person
To guide you on the way,
Are you looking for a promise
that someone here will stay?
Are you even asking questions or
are you just floating along
Blaming your surroundings
For the things that go all wrong?
I would like to know the answers
To all the questions I can ask
And of the ones you’ll answer
Ill paint the pictures of my future,
And Ill illuminate my past.
And in this grand adventure
I’ll make your answers last.

So just know
There’s no need to cut me open,
Sit still for just a moment  
and I will show you my scars,
If you want to see them,
You can compare them to yours,
Our stories
Are very different
But we are all the same
We just call our daemons
Very different things
And know in our disclosure
Ill never say a name.

The best thing
Is waking up to your rough fingertip tracing so lightly on my face,
That I lose my place and wonder if I’m even really awake.
The best thing
Is the color of your eyes when the light from my window pain,
Is dancing on every line of your perfect symmetry.
And the best thing
Is waking knowing inside I’m singing for your smile still,
I thrill at being so close I can touch,
The best thing is never having enough,
And the best thing is having you here
when I wake up.

Tearani I want,
To know the difference
between I am and not I .
To find myself at water’s edge
and not afraid to dive,
I want the words to fly free and un afraid,
Sore high into summer sky,
Echo on a broken wall,
And fill the holes inside.
I want the essence of a poem
Of everything I am,
To swirl and float and feel
Everything I can.
To fallow whitened water
Like ink ran off a page,
Be placed its destination
To create a mark that says,
Nothing of possessions,
Not of that I own,
But exactly how you mean to me,
And to be not afraid to be alone.
And I’ll say everything I see my friends,
Exactly how it is, until I feel everything,
See everything, and this
Is the Tearani I thought
Wide awake and far from sleep,
This is the Tearani I decide to be,
Pulled out of simple dreams.
This is the Tearani behind and ahead
And hear it’s said in simple time,
In clever joke, witty rhyme,
Close ties and smudged freedoms,
Tearani knows if they don’t need me,
There wrong,
And no god knows I need them.
Only the Tearani I want.

Sometimes the day after the night I don't sleep.
With eyes wide, my heart beats, with angry lines
Across my face,
looking like my crinkled sheet.
I can't think about anything.
Can't think....
So I spread my heat on the lines
Of one crinkled sheet of notebook paper,
A page that looks, I think
A whole lot like me the day after the night I don't sleep.
So I can reflect on what it is that day I wan't to be.
I guess today I am a scribbled
Poem on notebook paper,
Most normal people
Might through away.

Its something about who you are that draws me in I think.
You are my best friend, you stand on shifting sand
And even then I’ve never seen you to scared to swim.
I’m lost in this strange mix of brokenness and pure bliss,
Stuck in a twist in your open eyes and innocents.
You come alive over and over again and I hope
I can stay here in a place where I can see you,
Look into you and actually see you, its how I know
In the under tow I’m still real and have not drown,
I shudder to think when you’re not around.
But you… there’s something real about you
And I pray to a god who doesn’t exist every **** day
That for the rest of my life I can wake and think
I got to play some kind of role in making you smile
And keeping you safe, helping you grow
and getting to say,
I cant always keep you with me, but I can keep trying.
I can try to stop crying long enough be tough enough to wish you luck
Before you go your way, I hope you smile at least once
Every **** day, the big one that looks like the sun’s rays.
I wish I could just say you took my heart and ran away.
But really no one ever does especially not you.
Truth is you were the only one to ever make me brave enough
To look at all my broken dreams , reassemble bits and pieces
And tell me I was brave. You gave me sanity like air
In a void space, gave me your tears in a dry place,
You lent me your hand when I was bound
let me loose and help me search until I found
something to smile over. Your more than I could have ever known,
the only bandage to stick onto old wounds
and make me better. And I know better than to say goodbye
Or look you in the eyes when I'm about to cry
So see you later dear ,
Keep your heart whole and your head clear.

I am undone,
The world says one for happy.
Happy says two for me.
Happy is wanted but still I am hunted
That all of the world disagrees.

Please find me here, my sweetheart dear,
Neath the drowning sea. You have held me here,
In the dark my dear, and the light…It lets me see.
The light at dawn with its brilliant gleam
Quaking on the swells.
The dark at dust so musky sweet,
Shows me to myself.

Its comforting to me, that I’m so drawn to the light,
And the darkness remains there.
Just out of sight, in silent promise of night,
Even if I only dream , at least I've dreamed the dream.
At least I was more than just afraid to see.

Under the wings
Of every bird
Of every color
While they fly away,
All missing one another.

All hearing empty things,
Under their burdened wings.
All wishing things were different.
All wishing to sing

Just one last thing
To the birds at the nest.
Before the summer leaves,
And they’ve all left,

Just to get one last chirp
Off their chest.

Hope is a big, intoxicatingly ordinary , dream on the      r            n.
                                                                ­                                       u

Will never be
For lack of trying
that I'm alone