Hope is a big, intoxicatingly ordinary , dream on the      r            n.
                                                                ­                                       u

You are a drink of warm water come to fill
The void in my chest, ease its ache for
A desperately needed hour of rest,

His red hair and charmers smile
Set fire to the things I said about
Being so void I was numb,
Seems dumb now as heat
Rushes through my veins.

I think of him and his laughter
The next night and every after.
And how his broad chest and long arms
Protect me from all the pains
Of complete maturity.

He  hurries to encourage me
To dance in the rain, and play make believe,
Maybe that’s how he got me to see
I could be happy, I could live in rapture
Created by captured moments of his touch,
Collaged out of memories of us

Like running across campus
Bare foot and key in hand,
Single piece of hair like superman.
Your hand in mine despite
Angry words misplaced and
The feeling of your chest
Rising and falling beneath my cheek.

Your eyes mean everything.
A Band-Aid across my brokenness,
Long desperate kiss
To fill my chest with butterflies
And play and bliss, no one means as much as this.
You are a complete twist ending,
To the way my life was spinning
And half my reasons to still exists.

If I am the mother to a million poems landing on def ears and
a single one grows slowly to learn your language than
I will surly transcend into a kind of euphoria
and swim in satisfaction.
If I am the mother to a thousand ideas
and none but one shall strike you
but it is so loud the ground you stand on trembles
Than I will cross the threshold of my potential
knowing I have finally listened long enough to say something undeniable.
If I whisper a hundred nothings onto notebook paper
and after a hundred years a single sentence means something substantial to a individual..
than I have done something innately  good
and larger than myself; a single mother to a million poems

Here in a strange world is a girl,
who lived in a town,
where everything was turned around.
She sat in the sky up on a cloud,
and said as she thought aloud...
why wouldn't it be strange to live upside-down?
where things don't fall up but always fall down?

Its something about who you are that draws me in I think.
You are my best friend, you stand on shifting sand
And even then I’ve never seen you to scared to swim.
I’m lost in this strange mix of brokenness and pure bliss,
Stuck in a twist in your open eyes and innocents.
You come alive over and over again and I hope
I can stay here in a place where I can see you,
Look into you and actually see you, its how I know
In the under tow I’m still real and have not drown,
I shudder to think when you’re not around.
But you… there’s something real about you
And I pray to a god who doesn’t exist every **** day
That for the rest of my life I can wake and think
I got to play some kind of role in making you smile
And keeping you safe, helping you grow
and getting to say,
I cant always keep you with me, but I can keep trying.
I can try to stop crying long enough be tough enough to wish you luck
Before you go your way, I hope you smile at least once
Every **** day, the big one that looks like the sun’s rays.
I wish I could just say you took my heart and ran away.
But really no one ever does especially not you.
Truth is you were the only one to ever make me brave enough
To look at all my broken dreams , reassemble bits and pieces
And tell me I was brave. You gave me sanity like air
In a void space, gave me your tears in a dry place,
You lent me your hand when I was bound
let me loose and help me search until I found
something to smile over. Your more than I could have ever known,
the only bandage to stick onto old wounds
and make me better. And I know better than to say goodbye
Or look you in the eyes when I'm about to cry
So see you later dear ,
Keep your heart whole and your head clear.

Will never be
For lack of trying
that I'm alone

I call you and you are upset.
You tell me how I make you feel,
Head reals and steals a beat from my chest.
Words mid flight killed by the silence
Of your end of the phone you,
Hung up.
I call again and try to explain and tell you
That we are both to blame
In this terrible mess,
Both to blame for our empty chests.
I just wa...
You hung up.
I dial hand shaking heart quaking,
Do not hang up again I am trying to
Say the things needed to be said.
And I remember how every effort scares you.
You say my words are not worth a thing
And then i realized
You are still...
Hung up.
silence
not
a
thing
has
changed
I  miss you.

You say that people are always pushed into what they are
by the people around.
Nothing moves you like the members of your town.
we lean to fit right. And if we can’t
We brake.
There are the high tracks,
and the low tracks that’s just how it is.
There’s no time you don’t know it.
its true among kids.
You know when you are different.
I remember it, but It doesn't quite fit.
I was to old for my age, to aware of my pain.
But I had friends who smiled when I said something funny,
Who wore all new cloths, had daddy  n’ mommy
I suppose they saw me see myself differently.
And they agreed that they were not so different from me.
I never split it down the middle only vertically.
It wasn’t the kids with or without the money
that meant a thing to me.
What would happen when you defined,
You by yourself, and not on so much by
Your family and wealth.
The ones that were like me saw that I had a chance,
That I was a person and  had choice were to stand,
I blossomed in a strange place between,
The kids without money and kids with new things,
And all throughout life I’ve had all kinds of friends.
There are high tracks and low tracks
And both of them bend.

I feel closer to whole an entire person when you are gone
And you have not called for so long
That your voice the way it is now seems to be fuzzy.
I don’t have to sit in the room with the way you stopped loving me.
I think my love and my hate co exist to create this place of empty distance.
Kind of like the look I see on your face when for a second you see a glimpse
Of a reality you do not want to see in me.
I can not live in the pain that she perpetually pushes
Me in so I chose to walk form her.
Gawk all you want hell turn your nose up
Like you know whats better whats right
I don’t know whats true for you
But my life has never been so black and white.
So perhaps you aren’t seeing enough or more probably
Your projecting your deep need for a perfect ending on me
And seeing as every one sees that she cannot and will not provide
That for anything living dead or in between
All hostile glances lead to me.
The one who was ****** over in the first place.
That makes sense because clearly I have so much control over what she thinks,
Or does or loves for that matter.
If I did don’t you think I would have made her love me again?
Its to gross a truth to swallow and even harder to spit.
I'm not saying whoa is me pity party just stop giving me ****.
No wonder I no longer miss you, seeing you
More often puts a knot in my stomach and bad taste in my mouth
Than those salty tears when empty stare and lies spill out,
floating around filling my ears.
This is the truth I swallow day after day and the very thing
That mother tries to sweep away. You make me
A little sick like kristianna just someone I’m nice to to keep the piece
And then I go home happy I can finely sit and breath,
Escape from the intangible stink of someone who lies to me and themselves
We are nothing but a scab you ripped off
For so long but has finnaly settled into this
Hard disgusting crater of a puckered scar
That I’m so thankful to have it seems perhaps in it’s own way divinely inspired.
Like the rough faces of the grand canyon or the
Raw nature of a sun flower,
the dual nature of the awe inspired
like a pretty new baby at a funereal .
I don’t see myself ever wanting a thing from you.
Not again not a hug a hello or a smile,
I am fine to always be away from you.
I feel closer to whole an entire person when you are gone
And you have not called for so long that your voice the way it is now seems to be fuzzy.
I don’t have to sit in the room with the way you stopped loving me
perhaps we should stop playing the game and just call it.
you win again a hundred to ten,
If you were bigger you’d a bought it but you stole it.
To much to risk a gamble but you rolled it.
Glad it played how you planned keep my heart
I don't need it you broke it.

The bravest thing
Is the way I look while i'm swallowing my pride, looking in your eyes while I try to listen to you like your not about to lie, because you have. But I have to to give you another chance, yes I am scared. I can't stay here but I can't bare the though of leaving without you there.

The bravest thing
Is telling you everything, even how i feel thinking you might leave me when i decide to say whats real at the price that it won't match with your ideal of "true love" you have high hung above my name. I can't change the way i think, ignore the way i feel i hope you stay.

The bravest thing
Is telling you what I see when you want to pretend that how you feel is all that's real, that everything's simple and can be ignored. But you are wrong and I tell you afraid you may forget the many ways I strive to say the simple things and that you are my favorite place.

The bravest thing
was when you looked at me and said I was worth everything every word every fight, worth every night you were up late irate with the way things play when we can't get a **** thing right to save our lives. When you told me again and again, most of all the way you tried.

Sometimes the day after the night I don't sleep.
With eyes wide, my heart beats, with angry lines
Across my face,
looking like my crinkled sheet.
I can't think about anything.
Can't think....
So I spread my heat on the lines
Of one crinkled sheet of notebook paper,
A page that looks, I think
A whole lot like me the day after the night I don't sleep.
So I can reflect on what it is that day I wan't to be.
I guess today I am a scribbled
Poem on notebook paper,
Most normal people
Might through away.

This ******* thing
Gripping, ripping tearing,
Worse screaming reeling abused and wailing,
This thing grasping at
My patience. I hate this.
Can’t take it,
I want to make it all fall away,
But I’m so afraid that when,
I escape from this blanket,
You have  carefully placed, tight
Against my angry face,
That you will be nowhere,
Gone like the sound of
The words you say but do not mean.
Fabric tightens.
Now I cannot scream.
Forgive me
For now I am gone.
Forgive me
For I cannot be what I was before.
Forgive me for my inconsistencies
I cannot be sure of anything
Anymore.
I am so angry.

My intuition flashes like a hot flair shot desperately into an empty sky
Where no one cast a seeing eye and I myself can only smell,
The charade a supernova a chemical shimmering sun
What seems to me to be the bitter sweet vapors of the powder of a gun
An empty thrill that builds atop  unspoken words that usher.
Beneath the glare and a quickened stare I take a liking
to the lightning striking, a sharp spike on the wrong side
of the mountain we’ve been hiking, to get that
Panoramic view of you I’ve been lusting so long after,
a ****** addiction for your airy laughter like
the parched summer air with wide banks cradling sensual water
Lapping at the sand, the firm grasp of a hot hand.
You still stand eyes blinking kiss me, mouth unmoving murmur miss me,
Heartbeat quaking behind the curtain of your chest yelling at me
To take a chance. Wearing silence so inviting I sense,
You’re a trap unset to catch, but you don’t know
You’ll love me yet. You step through the doorway,
I turn my head to my feet, I don’t need to see to feel
My intuition flashing like a hot flair shot desperately into an empty sky
Where no one cast a seeing eye and I myself can only smell,
the charade a supernova a chemical shimmering sun
What seems to me to be the bitter sweet vapors of the powder of a gun
An empty thrill that builds atop unspoken words that usher
Beneath the glare and a quickened stare I take a liking
to the lightning striking, a sharp spike on the inside of every vain
You’ve not a word spoken, and yet I know I will never be the same.

Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped T T
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped  r r
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped a a
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped p p
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped p p
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped p p
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped  e e
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped d d
Trapped Trapped .....................  Trapped Trapped Trapped
Trapped Trapped|      I           | Trapped Trapped Trapped  
Trapped Trapped|                   |Trapped Trapped Trapped
Trapped Trapped|       AM     |Trapped Trapped Trapped
Trapped Trapped|                   |Trapped Trapped Trapped
Trapped Trapped|                   |Trapped Trapped Trapped  
Trapped Trapped ---------------- Trapped Trapped Trapped
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped T T
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped r r
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped a a
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped p p
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped p p
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped e e
Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped Trapped d d

My day full of excitement, contentment,
I think it’s a blanket, warm and soft for me
To hide under and swim in, cloths my eyes
To breath and to forget how my head aches
And I feel faint of late, my day like the warm hands
Of the suns ray. And you are so far
I grin this year, you cannot take this.
I will not be thrown in the snow,
Or under your heavy tears, I will go
Where I go, and I know that this year
My day is my day finally I get to spend
My single day my way.

I wake head ache, highstrung,
Muscles week and pulse to strong.
I know soon my day will come.
My phone rings , it’s you ,
I hope that I’m wrong. And you tell me
To cancel my plans, you’re coming
On Friday, your sharing my day.
If we are both being honest you tear it away.
I have no choice, I have no voice.
So I will pretend to smile,
As you move the miles between us and
Take away my first, last, imaginary
Day that I saved in a heart shaped locket,
From the rain of all the disappointment
I feel because of you.
It’s my twin sisters happy birthday.
I have been invited.
And I have to smile and say
You’re so sweet,
And thank you.

Feathery blond hair and watery blue eyes
That glow like sun reflecting of the bottom of a pool.
Sad orbs humbled by the way life has treated you,
Now that your older , a year or two, you have slowed
To a calmer calculation of the ugly world.
You hold your head up like you need to see,
Not like you are
too proud,
and you speak,Only when you need heard not just
To be loud.
And you see more with your soft glow than
I could ever share
out loud.
We speak more between shared looks
Caught between quickened glances
And a slow pace than words shared
At face to face or hostile stances,
More in your actions
Then in an element more fake, you take
The hard things with me, without a blink
Hesitation or the loss of sleep.
I trust you more than anyone ,anything,
And you trust me the same, I think,
I thank you for being Stone with a soft face,
The strongest and fast paced, the calmest
And well placed, thanks for being the one I save,
And being my little brother  still ,
Long after your old enough, big enough to ****
My fragile dreams.
It seems between you and I nothing changes,
I’ll probably never have you read this , same way we never say it,
Promises are better kept before the day their stated.
But I’ll be what you need,
And today's beast we’ll slay it.

If I say it enough maybe you will get it.
“I Love you more than yesterday.”
If I say it enough perhaps you will see,
That” you are so good, so sweet”
And perhaps if I grasp at the edges
Of everything I can’t quite say, can’t quite frame,
Am searching for am sure remains,
I will convince you of these things.
If I say them enough they will be true to you too.
If I keep finding ways to say
“Nicholas
I Love YOU. “

The best thing
Is waking up to your rough fingertip tracing so lightly on my face,
That I lose my place and wonder if I’m even really awake.
The best thing
Is the color of your eyes when the light from my window pain,
Is dancing on every line of your perfect symmetry.
And the best thing
Is waking knowing inside I’m singing for your smile still,
I thrill at being so close I can touch,
The best thing is never having enough,
And the best thing is having you here
when I wake up.

I am smiling
Because I should feel like crying.
But I don’t.
I am smiling because in my head
I tell myself you’ll be there for me
But you won’t.
I am smiling
Because I’m tired of crying,
But I feel like dying and I needed
Someway to cope,
I am smiling

See me? My little nose,
My brown hair,
See me there, my pale skin,
Like porcelain
Speckled with kisses from the sun,
See me there my gray blue eyes,
Shining like the summer sky.
See me there is that me,
That smiling face,
Existing twice in time and space,
is that me?
That face to used to be safe…
Is that me? Am I that face,
Repeated too often,
To clear to mistake
So you think that’s me?
My heart is breaking,                                  ~~~      ~~~          ­                                  
Behind my face....                                         (o)  |   (o)    Behind my face no one sees me.  
my voice is  S     A       I        G    .....               :   ^    .      Behind my face I cannot be me.                    
                        H     K      N                              :   =           From my face I pray you free me.

Do you remember when I put my last dollar
In that vending machine?
And it didn’t give me my Dr. pepper ?
And you walked away and bought your lunch
And sat next to me smiling
to share your soda and make it better?

Do you remember how my lips hurt,
So bad and I slept so little that night,
Because I hadn’t bought my books,
And you woke up in the morning,
To early and rushed to save the day,
Saved me twice by taking me away.
Sat with me and kissed my tender lips,
And told me I shouldn’t bite them
When I’m stressed?

Do you remember holding me together
When I had fallen apart,
And then you sewed together
My torn and tattered heart?
When panic revved inside my soul,
You held it there at bay,
whispered sweetly in my ear
That I was worth the wait?

Do you remember what you said,
When I was crying on the floor,
Rain was pouring in my head,
When I said I couldn’t hold it up
For another second more?
You told me to let it go,
And that nothing was as important
As seeing that I could be happy again?
And then..

Do you remember taking me to my own Prom,
Because I felt to alone to go?
And I was all wrong.
And you held me up and looked at me,
And danced until for a moment I was whole.
Like I had never cried before, like I
Had always known, you would come into existence
The moment I needed you most.

Do you remember sitting under candle light,
Without a single word,
As I cried, and you cried in a house
So full where not a person knew, and
The only way to be alone was to fallow
Me to the bathtub where we cried
And I kept touching you,
To make sure it was true, that you were
Still there. That you were real,
And you really cared to follow through.

Do you remember telling me I was beautiful,
When you should have said I
Was damaged? I can’t imagine
Anything better then when
I stepped out of the bathroom,
Downstairs and you stared
At the broken smile on my face,
And your eyes were empty for a moment.

I remember no one knew, like you knew.
No one shows me like you show it.
And when you say someday you will find a way,
To let me know that you will stay,
To let me know the way you love me,
I want to wrap my arms around you,
And let you feel it from me,
All the ways you show me every single day.
Because I remember,
And I can’t believe I get to know,
That I love you, and you stayed.
And I remember.

If I could have captured you
In that moment and made it stay
Make it the truth, make it the way
I felt you with .Then maybe,
I would get to sit across from you,
And trace your face with eager fingertips
And reside here in your presence and listen
To the somber hum of your voice
Slip off your lips,
And maybe I could say it all,
By leaning over
To take your kiss.
Perhaps it is as it should be.
And you were always meant to sway
All the way around me,
To silent to be satisfying.
Than I’m still glad that in some sick way,
When I close my eyes,
I feel you have found me.

It swirls it twirls,
Everything blurred by that one baby girl.
Blue eyes glowing, her blond hair catching the wind.
I hold her hand, say her name,
Watch her grin her silly grin.
Her body sways while the music is playing,
While they play through the day while
Suns shining, the day is unwinding.
We’re in the car
And as we approach I hear
This gentle crying;
A part of me is dyeing.
It tears my heart to pieces.
I want to give her what she wishes.
She whispers, with teary blue eyes.
“I wish time would freeze so you would be mine.
Don’t go stayyyyy with me.
When you’re gone I miss you,
Don’t leave don’t say goodbye.”
Her little lip quivers,
I’m so sorry I have to go..
All I can do is lean down and kiss her,
She is my youngest little sister
And I already miss her,
Her screaming in the morning,
Stubborn demands, her tiny fingers
On her hot little hand
her blue eyes glowing,
Even her quivering chin.
The red truck pulls away,
She’s about to live her life
And I’m about to miss it.

that feeling, when your heads reeling
and you keep seeing, everything
that’s telling you to be something
other than yourself,
and you are so mad
that the **** clock still says
its to late
to be awake
thinking about EVERYTHING
But I do it anyway.

Just so you know the world would go on if you left.
But it would never go on the same.
There would be an empty sorrow in air
whenever I heard your name.
I would fall so distantly from light.
The happy thoughts I had at night.
I would be left holding onto empty memories,
Where a smile and a friend that meant everything should be,
The way you always make me whole,
And listen to every word you’re told.
The way you care holds me together.
As far as a friend goes I couldn’t have found better.
Your little brother hops around tracing footsteps on the ground.
He will never find another, like the steps of his older brother.
Without you he would be lost, like me he needs your light to see.
I don’t think I could find the words to make you know
Exactly what you mean to me.
How can I tell you what you mean?
A caring word, the way you smile,
The way you make the days’ worth while.
But that’s just a little of myself you are the world to someone else.
I know you think it wouldn’t matter.
But no other thought could make me sadder.
Than a person like you lost to the world,
You wouldn’t make the world stop turning.
We both know that’s true.
But you would make a constant yearning,
A screaming gap, with someone as rational as you,
It’s strange for me to see.
How you don’t know that the world needs you like glue.
At least that’s true for me.
The world would just keep spinning
And I would come unwound,
You, my friend I promise the world needs you around.
It reminds me of my home sick days
In the car when we drove away,
You may feel so small to the world,
But to a few you’re what holds us here it’s true.
You’re the home I want to come home to.
To afraid to be taken away and too afraid to leave.
I will not leave so my only fear is you leaving me.
The world would not end, I just wouldn’t see.
I wouldn’t come home, and I wouldn’t be me.
And so much….
Would be lost to the world.

Misunderstood please understand.

You hear, you think what you thought you would,
You remember what you thought before.
You close that door and think some more.
Remember the color of the emerald words I gave?
Do you remember the crisp noise of connections that they made?
Now do you?
Misunderstood.

You hear me through the speakers of your mind,
Little twists and bends and changes, you crinkle all my story pages.
You still remember what you felt before.
You close the door and feel some more.
Do you remember the scarlet words I gave you?
They gushed out of my torn heart like glistening blood?
NOW DO YOU?
Misunderstood.

All the noise running together in your head,
You try to open your moth to let some escape.
And when they pour out I sit down and take in the color.
Dear I fear that you could never really hear.
Emeralds ran into all the simple blue that’s you to blend into the scarlet.
Connections dissolved, you don’t, you
Misunderstood.

The words I gave are gone.
Your mind mixed hear and changed it there and turned it into brown.
I gave you all the beautiful colors of the rainbow,
But you would not take them for what they where.
You changed them, and held them together until it was all different
Until they where made all made the same.
Misunderstood.

This becomes the color of the truths you push away, and the words you mix around.
You find yourself spiting out this endless dingy brown .
I close the door, your spilling out onto the floor.
Keep what you have made I don’t want it, its yours.
Misunderstood.

Your not misunderstood, miss I’m to tired to stand.
Don’t blame the hand made reluctant to help ,
Your to covered with dirt for my brushing to help.
I know you , I love you , but I cannot make my miss understand.
I know my miss understood so I know that she can.

But she wont. I wonder why.
I have no patience to dote on you precious little feelings,
I’m so tired of the brown. Stop mixing colors, oh miss.
Until you make some changes I will have to leave you
Sitting and spiting on the dingy brown ground.
I love you miss I hope you understand.
*Mis I know that you did so Mis I know that you can.

I am undone,
The world says one for happy.
Happy says two for me.
Happy is wanted but still I am hunted
That all of the world disagrees.

Please find me here, my sweetheart dear,
Neath the drowning sea. You have held me here,
In the dark my dear, and the light…It lets me see.
The light at dawn with its brilliant gleam
Quaking on the swells.
The dark at dust so musky sweet,
Shows me to myself.

Its comforting to me, that I’m so drawn to the light,
And the darkness remains there.
Just out of sight, in silent promise of night,
Even if I only dream , at least I've dreamed the dream.
At least I was more than just afraid to see.

Hope is a hang noose, where I fall to my death,
Cold frosty fingers that clutch at my chest,
Hope is the blade deep in my back,
A wonderful feeling I’ll never get back.
The sharp tang of blood on the tip of my tongue.
Hard hurting feeling of a fast heart attack.
The destroyer and builder of things made to tall,
Hope is a building made ready to fall.
Hope is the sorrow I hold in my head,
Hope is that feeling they say keep unsaid.
Hope leads to thoughts like I wish I were dead.
Hope is made to create need for the healing,
Hope creates blindness in intelligent being.
Sometimes to hope means close your eyes and stop seeing.
Sometimes to hope means pretend that your being,
Sometimes hope is a wish, wish washy receding,
White water, ink written and bleeding,
Nothing can be as you see it, there when you need it.
felt as you feel it.
Hope is a hole in you saying I miss it.
An empty room, I want out,
A kiss on an angry mouth,
An angry child that pouts.
Hope is a dark hole in the darkness
to let yourself out.


[I am not suicidal this poem is a means of expression. I'm not planning on hurting myself]

Hush , freaze, pause, breath,
Hold onto what it really means,
Even if it means it’s changed,
Even if it’s changed every thing.
I think if I blink I might die again.
I think if I breath it will be the end.
But my chest is so so tight
That air can't find it's way in.
Restart my brain restart my heart,
And think of it and spin
The hardest part of all of this
Is knowing how it ends.

Its like the sound of glass breaking,
Like fingers cold and aching,
Of frigid air that bites,
Like my chest is open,
Where a part of me is missing,
The wound bleeding and hissing.
The raw wounded edges,
Are hidden and put to ease,
By the tainted bandage of numbness,
The numbness that thieves,
Every moment of happiness,
The sharp edge to my pain.
And one day after a day,
A day and a day,
I wake and suddenly I’m drowning,
In the wake of my fears,
Its all consuming, overwhelming,
Terrified through my tears.
And panic wells up in me,
Like hot acid shooting through me,
And it fills up my chest
And my body is shaking,
As it steels my breath,
As I fall to my knees,
And the pressure keeps building
Like a bomb in my chest.
Every breath that I’m taking,
Faster-faster-faster
I-need-to-catch-it-soon…
My lungs lurch as I close my eyes,
Because I’m sitting in a shifting room.
I clamp a cold hand on my hot mouth.
My lungs heave.
My brains telling me airs escaping me
But I know better, I’m gasping.
And I see that’s more air than I could possibly need.
And I’m dizzy, I tighten my hand.
I bite down hard and hold back, until stars fade.
And my existence, everything that I am.
I put into taking only one- single- breath.
All of me praying I can slow down the next.
And hold it.
My lungs lurch a little less.
The pain slowly eases inside my chest.
I shake less intensely,
My body starts listening.
And I take a breath.
That one simple beautiful breath,
Holding me up in the ocean
like an orange life vest.
And I lie panting and covered in sweat.
With tear covered eyes,
Grasping at my aching chest.
Still alive and living with the stress
I just almost died of loneliness.

Tearani I want,
To know the difference
between I am and not I .
To find myself at water’s edge
and not afraid to dive,
I want the words to fly free and un afraid,
Sore high into summer sky,
Echo on a broken wall,
And fill the holes inside.
I want the essence of a poem
Of everything I am,
To swirl and float and feel
Everything I can.
To fallow whitened water
Like ink ran off a page,
Be placed its destination
To create a mark that says,
Nothing of possessions,
Not of that I own,
But exactly how you mean to me,
And to be not afraid to be alone.
And I’ll say everything I see my friends,
Exactly how it is, until I feel everything,
See everything, and this
Is the Tearani I thought
Wide awake and far from sleep,
This is the Tearani I decide to be,
Pulled out of simple dreams.
This is the Tearani behind and ahead
And hear it’s said in simple time,
In clever joke, witty rhyme,
Close ties and smudged freedoms,
Tearani knows if they don’t need me,
There wrong,
And no god knows I need them.
Only the Tearani I want.

You are the color brown.
It’s silly but when you say
It’s cuz I’m brown huh,
I’m smiling for another reason.
You are open to the summer sky,
Free feeling like my favorite season.
The ground under stumbling feet.
Ready to catch me,
Your stable reserved soft so warm.
You are all around me,
Awe inspiring astounding.
Leave me calm and centered, and heart pounding.
You’re the heat, flickering in front of me.
Flames fluttering, spontaneous,
the smell of musk, earth and sweet smoke,
Swirling, and taking me in.
Words unafraid to be spoke
You spoke then,
Whispers of the truth,
You know I’m broken.
Coals warm and glowing.
It’s the words you give to me,
No it’s the subtle sway in your walk,
It’s the sincere sound of your voice,
That one look when you talk.
No none’s lost in gest ,
Its that feeling I have deep in my chest.
When I cry , and you don’t reach,
Because you love me.
It’s in the way you never called,
Hopped in the car to get me.
Let it be said I can’t know
What you feel, but I know,
That you love me, I can’t begin to know
What you gave in hopes
that right now I’d be happy.
If I could say one thing ,
And have you know that I mean it.
Whisper one truth in the hopes that you’d see it .
I never chose him because you weren’t worth it.
I would give you my heart,
But half has been engaged,
Now I’m lost in myself choked by the haze.
And I say it again,
My choice was made for me,
I cannot win;
I guess I’ll just say,
You’re just barely more
than my very good friend.

Its in the smell of you t shirt,
Its on my sheets,
It lingers on me.
Your memory.
Captivating, entrancing,
Thoughts of you dancing in space,
The rise of your cheeks,
When your smiling at me.
The set of your face.
The look in your eyes.
The set pace you take,
As you take stride
To walk away,
when I said goodbye.
And your arms moved from around my waist,
Memories, and the heavy weight,
Of missing you came
To take its place.

It’s in the smell of your t shirt,
It’s on my sheets,
It lingers on me.
Your memories.

Under the wings
Of every bird
Of every color
While they fly away,
All missing one another.

All hearing empty things,
Under their burdened wings.
All wishing things were different.
All wishing to sing

Just one last thing
To the birds at the nest.
Before the summer leaves,
And they’ve all left,

Just to get one last chirp
Off their chest.

I am just a shadow.
The real me knows how to say the things that matter.
The real me knows how to smile,
How to free laughter,
After the tears I dry I fix broken hearts.
I’m smart and I knew you.

But I am just her shadow,
Because you look through me.
Tears In your eyes always undo me,
And I cant think of what to say,
nothing matters more than this…
Helplessness
Hopelessness.
My shadow passes through hallways and leaves a trail of tears.
At the end I’m alone forget our earlier years.


Your pain haunts me,
More than you will ever know.
It haunts me and its always there.
A shadow to a shadow.
I find I fall further,
From the truth,
From myself,
As I change.
And I lose you.
And I realize as I call your names
Again,
Again,
Again,
That I am the same.
That I have not lost your names.
You have let go of mine.
While i'm searching you hide.

I am myself, not a shadow.
I dry my own tears.
I know how to say the important things
You don’t want to hear.
I can say the truth,
And what’s right.
And I’m right here,
Calling names after shadows.
Calling,
Calling,
Calling,
Everything about you hunts me.
The real me.
And I know I’m right.
Because under the weight of the world im still standing.
Solid, whole, real.
And as your shadows pass through me,
It seems suddenly the realization hits me,
That in one way
A shadowed you and a shadowed me are the same,
In one way.
I’m still all alone in a hallway.

You’re my slow breath, my fast break.
My earth quake when things need shaken.
When everything’s pilling up and taking
Me with it.
You take it and twist it.
And suddenly I’m dancing with the way you talk,
Keeping pace with the way you walk.
Thinking up lyrics, as I pick out side walk chalk.
And I draw my name , playing play ground games.
Like I’m ten again,
Like the world isn’t heavy because its not.
You hold it up and around me ,
Keep me swimming instead of drowning.
Lithe and light, loud and giggling,
Remind me what makes life worth living.
I see you and my head is spinning.
You’re my sunshine, my playtime.
You’re a silly sentence with a goofy rhyme.
Your that poem I write when I’m smiling to big
And things are to good to find sleep that night.
You’re a hug and a text, the most beautiful mess.
Of all the things you chose to be
you chose’em best.
Honest, your honestly the best thing to
Bring out the very best me everyday,
Every now and then when I’m pinned and I need you,
I just call and there you are.
My slow breath, my fast break.
Im so glad I met you , so glad I’m taken.
Taken by you, right of my feet and into the playground.
Not a day passes , that I don’t want you around.
Not a single day I don’t miss the sun.
Just to keep pace with the way you walk,
Hear the sound of your voice so excited to talk.
Not a day passes I don’t want to be where you are.
Not a sunny day passes I don’t think of the park.

Hold myself together, to afraid to fall apart.
That sound that weeps upon me, the sound of a tearing heart.
I hold myself together , to afraid to see the sight.
I close my eyes and dream through another wary night.
My heart has been forgotten abandoned in the rain, the worse to come from one so young is the tears that fall like rain,
and worse than the empty sorrow is leaving her alone.
Although I know the pain, its worse to see her own.
I hold myself together so she wont fall apart,
I’ve seen the sight before ,like a poison in your heart.
I scream in pain , but all in vain it never goes away.
I wake up in the morning feeling the same way.
I search in desperation, I fight to find a light ,
but its hard to find a little dot in the grate abyss of night.
We wander down into the deep no sound is herd no thought to keep.
The feelings build upon the stage ,through my tears and heart they play.
I hold myself together to afraid of losing hope.
I hold myself together because now its all I know.
I hold myself together so I can trust myself.
I need to believe in someone even if theres no one else.
I hold myself together because she’s by my side,
If she wasn’t her with me I think there would never be a light, there would never be a hope of day , no thoughts of laughter none of play, no reason left to fight, I would Surely sink away into the endless abyss of night.

Hope lies,
It flies to new places and dies.
Disguises the things you want
With dimpled cheeks eyes wide,
They cry, lids flutter sigh.
I see it there but it’s still not mine,
Just out of reach, just beyond my grip,
Fleeting from my fingertips.
Silent whispers fill the air,
Tell my failures I feel them there,
A sudden heartache,
Fear of doom,
Confessions given
To an empty room.

In the dark, the cold air breaths,
And sends a shiver down my back,
In the dark my best friend leaves,
And I’m afraid she won’t come back,
In the dark my heart is marked,
And my sister turns away,
In the darkness I realize,
That I don’t want to stay.
In the darkness I found a light,
And you made my happiness clear,
Your whispered breath and broken smile,
Gently bring me here.
In the dark, your arms are open,
Your skin it cast off light.
Your voice so deep and sweet to me,
Says that I will be alright.

Here in your arms I lie in a dream
But I am wide awake.
Looking through azure eyes you take,
My breath, my heart, its beat,
You take me to this cerulean beach
With warm sand, and sun siting lightly on my skin,
We sit both of us, Mellifluous,
The hum I hear so sweet while
Safe here on your naked chest.
So warm, playful and light hearted,
My smile and your laughters started,
Silly, sweet , witty ,
That electric tingle, when you lean to kiss me.
The feeling of you pressed against me.
Sheltered safe, secure and shielded,
From anything outside of feeling,
Outside of red lips pressed lightly
Against my skin, murmuring warm truths,
Before finding my mouth again,
Outside of the heat of the sun and
Swell of the waves,
And the feelings you give me
Day after day.
Right there in the azure eyes
Of this beautiful man I find,
Exactly what it is,
That I’ve wanted all this time.