If I could have captured you
In that moment and made it stay
Make it the truth, make it the way
I felt you with .Then maybe,
I would get to sit across from you,
And trace your face with eager fingertips
And reside here in your presence and listen
To the somber hum of your voice
Slip off your lips,
And maybe I could say it all,
By leaning over
To take your kiss.
Perhaps it is as it should be.
And you were always meant to sway
All the way around me,
To silent to be satisfying.
Than I’m still glad that in some sick way,
When I close my eyes,
I feel you have found me.

It swirls it twirls,
Everything blurred by that one baby girl.
Blue eyes glowing, her blond hair catching the wind.
I hold her hand, say her name,
Watch her grin her silly grin.
Her body sways while the music is playing,
While they play through the day while
Suns shining, the day is unwinding.
We’re in the car
And as we approach I hear
This gentle crying;
A part of me is dyeing.
It tears my heart to pieces.
I want to give her what she wishes.
She whispers, with teary blue eyes.
“I wish time would freeze so you would be mine.
Don’t go stayyyyy with me.
When you’re gone I miss you,
Don’t leave don’t say goodbye.”
Her little lip quivers,
I’m so sorry I have to go..
All I can do is lean down and kiss her,
She is my youngest little sister
And I already miss her,
Her screaming in the morning,
Stubborn demands, her tiny fingers
On her hot little hand
her blue eyes glowing,
Even her quivering chin.
The red truck pulls away,
She’s about to live her life
And I’m about to miss it.

that feeling, when your heads reeling
and you keep seeing, everything
that’s telling you to be something
other than yourself,
and you are so mad
that the **** clock still says
its to late
to be awake
thinking about EVERYTHING
But I do it anyway.

Just so you know the world would go on if you left.
But it would never go on the same.
There would be an empty sorrow in air
whenever I heard your name.
I would fall so distantly from light.
The happy thoughts I had at night.
I would be left holding onto empty memories,
Where a smile and a friend that meant everything should be,
The way you always make me whole,
And listen to every word you’re told.
The way you care holds me together.
As far as a friend goes I couldn’t have found better.
Your little brother hops around tracing footsteps on the ground.
He will never find another, like the steps of his older brother.
Without you he would be lost, like me he needs your light to see.
I don’t think I could find the words to make you know
Exactly what you mean to me.
How can I tell you what you mean?
A caring word, the way you smile,
The way you make the days’ worth while.
But that’s just a little of myself you are the world to someone else.
I know you think it wouldn’t matter.
But no other thought could make me sadder.
Than a person like you lost to the world,
You wouldn’t make the world stop turning.
We both know that’s true.
But you would make a constant yearning,
A screaming gap, with someone as rational as you,
It’s strange for me to see.
How you don’t know that the world needs you like glue.
At least that’s true for me.
The world would just keep spinning
And I would come unwound,
You, my friend I promise the world needs you around.
It reminds me of my home sick days
In the car when we drove away,
You may feel so small to the world,
But to a few you’re what holds us here it’s true.
You’re the home I want to come home to.
To afraid to be taken away and too afraid to leave.
I will not leave so my only fear is you leaving me.
The world would not end, I just wouldn’t see.
I wouldn’t come home, and I wouldn’t be me.
And so much….
Would be lost to the world.

Misunderstood please understand.

You hear, you think what you thought you would,
You remember what you thought before.
You close that door and think some more.
Remember the color of the emerald words I gave?
Do you remember the crisp noise of connections that they made?
Now do you?
Misunderstood.

You hear me through the speakers of your mind,
Little twists and bends and changes, you crinkle all my story pages.
You still remember what you felt before.
You close the door and feel some more.
Do you remember the scarlet words I gave you?
They gushed out of my torn heart like glistening blood?
NOW DO YOU?
Misunderstood.

All the noise running together in your head,
You try to open your moth to let some escape.
And when they pour out I sit down and take in the color.
Dear I fear that you could never really hear.
Emeralds ran into all the simple blue that’s you to blend into the scarlet.
Connections dissolved, you don’t, you
Misunderstood.

The words I gave are gone.
Your mind mixed hear and changed it there and turned it into brown.
I gave you all the beautiful colors of the rainbow,
But you would not take them for what they where.
You changed them, and held them together until it was all different
Until they where made all made the same.
Misunderstood.

This becomes the color of the truths you push away, and the words you mix around.
You find yourself spiting out this endless dingy brown .
I close the door, your spilling out onto the floor.
Keep what you have made I don’t want it, its yours.
Misunderstood.

Your not misunderstood, miss I’m to tired to stand.
Don’t blame the hand made reluctant to help ,
Your to covered with dirt for my brushing to help.
I know you , I love you , but I cannot make my miss understand.
I know my miss understood so I know that she can.

But she wont. I wonder why.
I have no patience to dote on you precious little feelings,
I’m so tired of the brown. Stop mixing colors, oh miss.
Until you make some changes I will have to leave you
Sitting and spiting on the dingy brown ground.
I love you miss I hope you understand.
*Mis I know that you did so Mis I know that you can.

I am undone,
The world says one for happy.
Happy says two for me.
Happy is wanted but still I am hunted
That all of the world disagrees.

Please find me here, my sweetheart dear,
Neath the drowning sea. You have held me here,
In the dark my dear, and the light…It lets me see.
The light at dawn with its brilliant gleam
Quaking on the swells.
The dark at dust so musky sweet,
Shows me to myself.

Its comforting to me, that I’m so drawn to the light,
And the darkness remains there.
Just out of sight, in silent promise of night,
Even if I only dream , at least I've dreamed the dream.
At least I was more than just afraid to see.

Hope is a hang noose, where I fall to my death,
Cold frosty fingers that clutch at my chest,
Hope is the blade deep in my back,
A wonderful feeling I’ll never get back.
The sharp tang of blood on the tip of my tongue.
Hard hurting feeling of a fast heart attack.
The destroyer and builder of things made to tall,
Hope is a building made ready to fall.
Hope is the sorrow I hold in my head,
Hope is that feeling they say keep unsaid.
Hope leads to thoughts like I wish I were dead.
Hope is made to create need for the healing,
Hope creates blindness in intelligent being.
Sometimes to hope means close your eyes and stop seeing.
Sometimes to hope means pretend that your being,
Sometimes hope is a wish, wish washy receding,
White water, ink written and bleeding,
Nothing can be as you see it, there when you need it.
felt as you feel it.
Hope is a hole in you saying I miss it.
An empty room, I want out,
A kiss on an angry mouth,
An angry child that pouts.
Hope is a dark hole in the darkness
to let yourself out.


[I am not suicidal this poem is a means of expression. I'm not planning on hurting myself]