I don't want to write about how you're destroying me in ways I still didn't know I could break, but you are. I still won't say the words, the words make it real. If I say the words, I'll have to do something about it. I won't. I won't ever leave you.

I love you, and because I do...I want you to find someone who loves you as much as I do—more, if possible. Because you can't love me, because you don't want my love, don't want me. But I love you more than anything, enough to let you go if you ask, enough to stay knowing I'll never be your person, enough to be your friend when it's killing me, enough to wish you a love that's legendary with someone you love back.

My friends say I'm building a bridge back to hell by getting back in touch with you, but that's okay.

If hell is where you're waiting for me, hell is where I'll go.

*Chasing something that died a long time ago.

You’re so close to the stars. i wonder if you can hear the secrets i told the constellations that one night i got lost on the roof trying to find my way without you. maybe you’ll get lost in the darkness up there and feel the way i feel when i get lonely sometimes. you’re going to cities I’ve never seen and you’ll be walking on roads my feet haven’t touched and in a way I’m jealous of the new air you get to breathe. the little intricate fibres that make up my lungs are burning with this constant northern oxygen I’ve been force feeding them. i wonder what its like to breath you in at 30, 000 ft above sea level going 600 miles per hour. i wonder if my lungs would burn out of blissful breathlessness for you. I wonder what jet lag looks when it's painted across your face. i hate being on planes, but I’m so curious about how tightly you’d let me hold your hand up there. until i met you i didn’t understand why people thought it would be so special to travel around the world with another person, because i’d always thought it would be better to be lost alone. but i get high off the thought of walking european streets with you.

It's scary. Getting too familiar with another person. Knowing just the right way to kiss them and when you've become so familiar with someone's ****** structure that your noses no longer bump and you just fit together. When you know their favorite places to be touched and favorite ways and how to elicit the best sounds. Slipping into their favorite position and simply knowing they like it the best without ever having to say it. It's ******* terrifying, mapping out the geography of their body with your hands and knowing the feel of their skin and every mark on it. Memorizing their body instinctively and naturally going to the things you know they like. Being able to tell, with your eyes closed, the feel of something as simple as the back of a hand or the expanse of a back and knowing it is them, that is their skin. Being used to their smell on you. Tracing over their face with your fingertips and being able to feel it beneath your fingers even when you're apart. Makes it feel like they're a part of you, knowing your body knows their body and some primitive or maybe too advanced part of your brain knows every inch of them, can remember the feel of them in the slightest moment. It's got me scared as ****. You've got me scared as ****.

The emptiest hearts,
Are the heaviest to carry.